bookofmirrors | Entries tagged with pdh

So, I went over to

keiracaitlyn's tonight for a PDH session. Although my major schedule change won't happen until October (details on this if/when I get around to posting about that), I've made some significant changes for September, which should allow me more "me" time.

In the meantime, though, except for that brief time I wrote about a week ago, and a few brief glimpses, I've been completely disconnected from myself, from the Universe... just altogether off-kilter. I had

lunenoire check my chakras a while back, and he said they were overall just askew, out of place, re-wired, etc.. Like I'd had to do so to be able to live my life the way I was living it. (Note: I was later told that I should never have anyone who lives with me check my chakras, because they're too close. I mentioned this to

keiracaitlyn, who said she would modify that to anyone I was involved with, which I figured would put two strikes against him in that vein, even though I was pretty sure he was right in his assessment, or at least pretty close.

keiracaitlyn said immediately after, however, that

lunenoire's skill level at that sort of thing pretty much exempted him from that rule of thumb. Nice to have one's trust in the face of well-meaning advice validated.)

Anyway,

keiracaitlyn confirmed that I was all over the map. She said that the only chakra that was working right was my throat chakra. Weird. She also said my 8th chakra was actually pretty good, too, but my crown chakra was deflecting any energy coming towards it. She also said I'd been grounding through my feet a lot. I was kinda surprised at this, 'cause on those rare occasions when I remembered and was actually able to ground, I'd tried really hard to do so down through my chakras. She said that usually one grounds through the feet unconsciously, when one is so desperate to get the energy any way one can. Well, yeah. That pretty much sums up my life lately. :)

So, she seemed to straighten out my chekras really quickly, which kinda surprised me. Y'know, I figured they were more fucked up than that, and would take a while. I suppose she's just gotten better at what she does. :) Then came the poking and draining part. I'd forgotten about that part. I must block that out. There was a few sore spots, for sure. There was several ticklish spots, mostly in my legs, and some that were a disconcerting combination of both. Anyway, after what felt like a really long time, that part was over. I had the usual "boxes" in my thighs (self-limitation), and a bunch of stuff in my abdomen, but I don't remember what that was about.

When she opened the portals, I could feel energy pulsing all around me, and it seemed to focus on my solar plexus area. At first, it actually felt physical. Like I think it would probably feel to have a flat taut stomach (which, y'know, I don't actually have). But I thought felt out of place for the session, so I concentrated on it for a while, getting a feel for it, before I could actually tell it was energetic. I mentioned it, and she said it was related to sadness - that I had a lot of sadness there that they were working on. I could definitely relate to that. All the issues with my parents (some of which had come up earlier today), as well as all the Katrina stuff. Yeah, sadness. When she opened the next set of portals, she said they were working on my kundalini, turning it orange. I asked what that meant, and she said it was about purpose, passion. (I couldn't help but think of a picture I have... a card, really... it's an artist that P&D sells, and she goes out and does all her paintings at once, as she's inspired, as they come to her, and then she doesn't paint the rest of the year... I can't think of the artist, and I tried doing a little googling, so I could link to it from here, but couldn't find it. I know

felislunae has some of her stuff - one I really want, in fact, 'cause it's got both a cougar and a golden eagle on it, so it's both my totems, and I know I got

elorie one of her things with a bobcat on it a while back... mine are at a friend's in Indiana, getting framed, so I can't just go look. (EDIT: This is the picture.) Anyway, the point I was trying to get to was that I have a card from this artist, with two cougars on it, and she had called it "Purpose and Passion".) Anyway, this was related to things that were things on the path I'm supposed to be walking, not all the stuff I'd had to focus on recently. She said that at one point, they pretty much just did a massive flush of shit out of me (puns intended, actually - mine, not hers). I mentioned that, unlike all my other sessions, I couldn't see colors. She said that, in her experience, people getting the really deep work done that I was getting, tended not to notice it as much as when they were working on other more surface-y things. Other than the general pulsing energy, and the stuff in my solar plexus, I didn't really feel much, although I was a little dizzy-like at the end, which I don't remember ever feeling before.

Getting out of the car going home, I felt sorta disjointed, but clearer at the same time. Like (well, JUST like) someone who had been out of alignment for so long that it felt more natural, so that when they were *correctly* aligned, it felt RIGHT, just foreign. Like I had to learn to walk again. I talked to

blckwngdorcl and

lunenoire (who, in the course of me writing this entry, has informed me that his totem is a skunk, so I will change his little icon appropriately - you saw it here first, folks!) for a while, and soaked in the tub. Usually, I just rub myself all over with the salt, but this time I felt like soaking. I could hear my heart while I was submerged. Much too fast, and it has a gallop, which I don't recall hearing before. Well, it's not like I've been taking good care of myself, boys and girls. That's part of why my schedule had changed. Actually on the way to the session, I'd been thinking about animals, calling around, seeing what resources I had, to possibly try to help out

lupaloo in her quest, and thinking about my own cats. Murke, right when

blckwngdorcl and I got married, had some "mast" cells on his head (which I'm pretty sure, but haven't bothered to look up, is just a better-sounding way of saying cancerous, or pre-cancerous, cells). We had them removed, and I was told by an animal communicator a while back that he'd had those, because he'd taken on my illness. And I've been having chest pains pretty much daily for a couple of weeks now. And Neg died of a heart attack. I'd say it makes me wonder, but right now, I'm having a hard time even thinking about that possibility. If it's true, I'm not in a position to accept that gift gratefully, with a mind to changing my life for the better. Right now, I'd be more in a position to wallow in guilt and self-pity. And maybe I need to allow that for a while, but... well, y'know, as brave as I try to be about facing my demons, I think I'm just putting that one on the back burner for a little while.

Anyway, after my shower, feeling kinda ...not fragile, really, but... delicate... There was a bit of a ...hmmm... can't think of a word. Discussion isn't right, nor is altercation... but something like when you have one instead of the other. Don't know if there's a word for that. Anyway, that took me a minute to adjust to, 'cause I hadn't been as connected to people in the past, so it was overwhelming at first, both to feel someone else, and to try to keep tabs on myself at the same time. It turned out OK in all directions, though, so that was good. Just something I had to adjust to.

I was planning on going to the pool tonight, but I don't really want to go alone. Not for fear, per se. But I don't want to be disturbed, and I'd like to have someone as Guardian.

lunenoire needs the sleep, and

blckwngdorcl isn't feeling well, so he's not up for it. I don't feel a horribly pressing need, so I can wait for the weekend. I'm also aware that Talyn has a pool in which I'm told some magical things have happened, and I might someday opt for that, instead. Anyway, it's on the agenda for "soon". So, that's pretty much it.

Oh, and

keiracaitlyn said my wings were blue, which was about safety and security. Yeah... that would be worry about financial security, in this case, I believe, although I could see if there were some deeper-seated issues about the security of my identity in general. And when I came home,

lunenoire said he could see my aura, which he hadn't noticed he couldn't see before, until he saw the difference. He said it was blue, but I forgot to ask him what a blue aura meant to him. Oh, and at the PDH session, she said there was something coming up for me soon... a revelation, an a-ha moment. I'll keep you posted. :)

Current Mood: PDHed

(cross-posted to

pan_dimensional)

After a few missed attempts at this particular PDH session, I finally made it over to

keiracaitlyn's place. After some chit-chat, I told her I wanted to work on boundary and prosperity issues, and we got to work.

Amazingly enough to me, just about all of my chakras were aligned just fine. She mentioned something about my crown chakra and another one which I don't remember being especially fine. Well, fucking cool. But (and please correct me if I get these wrong), my heart chakra and my solar plexus chakra were off to my left side and angled funny. So, she moved those back into place, and said that, where there were, there was this gaping void, about where my floating ribs are on my left side. She said that that was a location that was at a sort of crossroads of energy lines, but... damn... as I'm writing this, it seems like that whole part of the session is in a fog, and I can remember very few details about it. Which sucks. Anyway, it was a crossroads of 3 different energy things. IF I recall correctly, it was self-esteem/self-worth, anger, and ....dammit. Something I can't even take a stab at, and that's assuming the two I just guessed at are right, too. At any rate, she said that she was going to have to do some vibrational work on the area, basically energetic reconstructive surgery. That was kinda cool. Once that was done, she moved to the other side, and right about in that same area symmetrically, it was like there was a closed fist of energy. She said the whole thing (both sides together) was kinda like I was cut off from outside energy, and it was almost like I was feeding off myself, my own inner organs. And that perhaps the fist thing on one side was a concentration, whereas the other was the void. (Again, I'm not remembering this well...) Anyway, I had noticed that this session had very few painful areas. The vibrational stuff isn't nearly as painful as the usual methods. :) She got to my thighs, though, and I remembered how ticklish I was in that area, especially when she worked on it. She reminded me that this area was all about boxes, mostly that I put myself in. She commented that I had boxes around my boxes, and boxes around my boundaries. If I recall correctly, though, it was in a weird sort of way, something like I had boxes around how I felt other people's boxes/boundaries should be. Damn... I'm gonna have to start bringing a tape recorder. I've never forgotten this much. She also said that I had bands of energy wrapped just above and just below my knee, rather than up and down like they were supposed to go. I don't recall what the reason for this was, or if she knew it at all.

That was on my right thigh. On my left thigh, it was much less so. The energy bands in the knee were running just fine. Something about my right side being my power (dominant) side. Which reminds me, she said there was something about the energy in my left arm that made it look like the dominant side. However, the stuff in my arms/shoulders seemed more physical than energetic, which goes along with some numbness/positioning issues I've been having with them the past few weeks. Oh, and another thing about my left thigh... she said there were layers upon layers of things that kept coming up, but rather than lying one on top of the other, they seemed to be staggered, and moving up. I asked if it was toward the gaping hole from before, but she said that, no, it moved more down towards my back.

She said that I was draining really well, and that that was typical of me in a session, which I thought was pretty cool. She said that I seemed to really want to release stuff, which I'm all good with, 'cause that's kinda the idea, right? :)

I did feel pleasantly draining, not quite so much as in the past, but I could tell something was going on.

When she turned me over on my back, she did a lot of work on my right thigh again, pretty much the same stuff coming up. She worked on my wings, and said my right wing did something she'd never seen before, shooting straight up over my head at an angle. No idea what that meant.

Anyway, when she opened the first portal, I remained lying on my stomach, but that was too distracting, so I rolled over. I watched the ceiling, looking to see what was there, and was pleased to note that I could, in fact, see the energy swirling around. It moved from bottom to top, sometimes in patterns I didn't recognize, but often in the shapes of birds, or eyes. A couple of times, it shifted from a bird to an eye. The energy was a sort of sickly mustard yellow color, which I personally don't particularly like, but I understand instinctively that, even though I personally associate that color with ickiness in general, it didn't mean that in this case. She came in to check on me, and I told her I was just watching the energy, since it was the only time I could ever actually see energy. She opened another portal, and I laid there for a while. The more distinctive energy patterns went away, and it was more like there was a haze between me and the ceiling. A couple of times, it was this pretty, sun-like glow. I think it was about that time I started feeling an upsurge of energy. When she opened the third portal, it started kicking in pretty heavy. (Note: I'm not guaranteeing these numbers -1st, 2nd, etc.- are correct... just how I remember them now) I think I've mentioned before the feeling I get most of the times when I start to try to meditate... where I suddenly feel an extremely disconcerting vibration throughout my body, almost like my skin is crawling. I described it to

keiracaitlyn when she came in next as being like that moment just before you shiver. Anyway, I started feeling like that, LOTS. Periodically, my body would twitch, as if trying to shake it out, but I tried hard to stay still, breathe through it, and just let it happen. Not sure if I succeeded or not. I think she may have opened another portal, which didn't help the situation. The last portal she opened, she said she heard someone singing with her the last 2 notes - a female voice. The vibrations continued, and only dimmed down a little when she clapped to hands to take down the grid. I sat up anyway, and took the peppermint bath salt (it had come to me that mint would be good at some point in the process, so I was hoping she had some). I mentioned that the energy was still mostly there. She said that she had stuck around after the last portal to kinda see what was up with that, and she said that it was them (my guides, I'm guessing) trying to communicate with me, but we just weren't quite connecting. Kinda like when someone wants to touch you, but you're just not quite ready yet. This made a lot of sense, and more and more so the more I thought on it. Plus, it just FELT right. Moreso than the astral travel thing someone else suggested to me. It would explain a LOT.

When I got out to my car, I looked at the time, and was very surprised to see that it was 9:00pm. My appointment was at 7:30pm, and I was about 10 minutes early, so I'm sure we got started on time. It had NOT felt like that much time had gone by. Anyway, I realized that to go home, take a shower, and come back, would leave

blckwngdorcl waiting for me for entirely too long, and I was just about at the right place and time to get to FedEx right about when he got out. So, I left him a voicemail to try and hurry out, and headed that way. On the way there, I found myself laughing out loud a couple of times. I may not have been able to hear my guides, but I could FEEL them. It was a delightful feeling. Joyous. Not alone. Wow. Luckily, I didn't have to wait long for

blckwngdorcl when I finally got to FedEx. Because he's fabulous, he didn't mind that I didn't want to talk on the way home, and he also didn't mind putting away and distributing the cat food when we got home.

I headed straight upstairs to the shower, and hopped in with the salt. I felt almost aggressive as I did so. I rubbed the salt harshly, all over, even in my hair. It wasn't that must-wash-evil-dirt-off feeling that I've had before (I think with my first PDH session with Ken), but more like my body saying, "Is that all you got? Harder! Faster!" When I was done with that, I rinsed off, and, without my typical cringing, turned the hot water all the way off, very fast. I was quickly annoyed to find that the cold water was a mere trickle, and reached down impatiently to crank it up. It was shocking and invigorating. I laughed, almost with a growl in my voice. Kinda in a "Yes, YES! Bring it on!" sort of way. I revelled in that for a while, and decided I wanted to come downstairs and type it out before I lost the moment.

And now we're going to R. Thomas. :)

Current Mood: energetic
Current Music: Household Noises

I have bruises! Hooray!

In general, of course, one should not be pleased about having bruises, but this is apparently a common result of PDH, so it's visible proof that it's working.

Thanks,

keiracaitlyn! :)

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Phil Collins - simplysakka is obsessed :)

I was going to post this in the

pan_dimensional but I suddenly realize I'm not a member of it. And I can't remember how to join. Hmmmm.... Can you do whatever it is you need to do to make that happen,

keiracaitlyn?

Anyway, to make life easier, I'm going to go back to my first entry about it, and do the long-overdue writeup of the second session, and then I'll talk about today's session.

Tuesday, April 29th, 2003

( First Session )

Sometime in May, around the 23rd, I think... I'm not interested in going and getting my calendar out of my car to make the date perfect.

( Second Session )

Today (July 16, 2003)

( Third Session )

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Music: Phil Collins from simplysakka's computer