bookofmirrors | Entries tagged with dream

I had a dream last night (er... well, night for me) wherein I was hanging out with a dear friend who I happen to be attracted to. We were having a good time, as usual, and it was getting to the point where we were either going to take our leave of each other amicably, or I was going to see if he wanted to go with me on some errands I was considering going on. The real-life background of our friendship was also true in the dream... that is, that he's been aware of my attraction for years, it's not something he's interested in pursuing, and that it's become somewhat of a lame joke between us which hasn't affected (as far as I can tell) the friendship; although my continued attraction to him is always a bit of an undercurrent, at least for me. Every once in a while, in real life, I'll bring it up briefly, the status quo will be reaffirmed, and we'll go on.

So, this also happened in the dream. I don't even remember how the sexual innuendo came up, but at some point in the dream, there was a situation where there was a comment that, twisted a bit or misconstrued could have been seen as sexual, and I took it there, as a joke. Later in the day, when I was bringing up my proposed errands and whether or not he wanted to go with me (I think he was leaning towards yes), I asked if he wanted to shower with me before we left. It was actually a casual request more than anything, but of course the undercurrent was still there. He demurred, at least partially because of that undercurrent. Which started us to talking about how I react sexually to him. I asked if I wasn't getting better, since in the past, our interactions almost always included a clumsy proposition on my part, which he always graciously declined. I stopped doing it over time, only bringing it up once in a great while, often in the form of a teasing flirt based on the shared "joke" of my attraction to him. He did say that yes, it had certainly gotten better over the years, but that earlier that day, when I'd made the sexual joke, that it had been a bit of an adolescent gesture on my part - think the only slightly more sophisticated version of Beavis and Butthead (and later Family Guy)... "Heh heh heh... you said 'lay'" or what have you. My initial reaction, while calm, was based on defensiveness. I started to say something to the effect of, in situations like that, pretty much everyone went there in their head when it comes to certain phrases (thanks to Sluggy, for instance, I can't hear the words "yippie skippy" without hearing "the evil" in my head afterwards), and I just spoke out loud what anyone would think. But even as I was saying that, I realized it was a defensive answer, and started to look at the issue more closely.

And somewhere in the midst of this particular conversation, I started to half-wake, so my waking and sleeping mind were both forming responses to this.

And I started to think that I don't think I've ever been in a long-term relationship that hasn't been somewhat adolescent in its approach to sex. My first long-term relationship, perhaps, doesn't count, since we both were, in fact, adolescents at the time, with everything that went with that. And, in retrospect, in some ways, it feels *less* adolescent than other sexual relationships (albeit that "sex" was limited to non-penetrative acts, since that was back when my virginity meant something to me).

My first husband was obsessed with sex in, perhaps, the way society in general is obsessed with sex, but he definitely took every innuendo to the nth degree, found sex around every corner, so to speak. And, to be fair, I was right there with him. It was a part of our typical interactions, our banter, to sexualize everything. His sex drive was higher even than mine, and in retrospect (and, looking back, I think I thought this even at the time) it seemed like he approached at least the *idea* of sex with a Beavis and Butthead mentality a lot of the time. Actual sexual acts were far from adolescent, but the attitude during the rest of the time was moreso.

My next long-term relationship was shrouded in secrecy, in that my "partner" didn't want the relationship publicly known (no, I wasn't the "other woman"... I was the only one, and we lived together, ostensibly as roommates, at the time). Adolescent isn't perhaps the best way to describe the relationship, but it's clear that we rarely approached our sexual relationship with the integrity of adults.

My current long-term relationship has a lot of adolescent elements, and they're almost all on my part. Many of my approaches to sex in this situation are almost juvenile. I can see where it stems from... after the initial fuck-like-bunnies stage, fears kicked in on his part (some of which I had an insight about a few days ago, but that's not part of today's discussion) and he closed his sexuality from me. It's been a constant struggle for both of us, and I'm ashamed to say that my reaction has been more like Peg Bundy's. Don't get me wrong, this is something we've both worked on, pretty hard, and with a lot of very adult discussions. We've both had some pretty good insights about the situation over the years. But, the fact is, in the face of what I perceive as rejection, I react in a less-than-adult manner. I hypersexualize situations, hoping to ...er... get a rise out of him. It doesn't work, of course, but my own fears make it difficult for me to approach the matter like a grown-up. He responds much better to my sexual advances that are articulate... but requesting in a clear manner leaves me vulnerable in a way I don't like, since the answer is still often "no". When I approach it from the Beavis and Butthead standpoint, I can pass it off as a joke, no harm, no foul - even though we both know I'm fooling no one.

It's a stupid way to go about it, and it's one we've talked about, and one I've been working on. The dream, however, brought it back to the forefront, and makes me think that there's a longer way to go to fix this than I've been admitting.

The other thing I'm considering is how I approach lovers. I don't *think* I approach lovers in the same way. I was running over this in my head as I was lying in bed trying to decide whether to try to go back to sleep or not, and asked myself what I *did* consider to be adult approaches to sexuality. Pretty much, it involves honesty and integrity, and expressing one's needs. And I'm pretty sure I approach lovers from this standpoint. But, in the light of this dream, I now kinda wonder if I also have some adolescent approaches to my sex life in general. I wonder if, and/or how, this comes across in the sexual act itself. I remember my first husband, after our divorce, said that he'd never been with anyone who abandoned themselves to sex the way I did. But I don't feel like I do that anymore. Certainly, his sexual experiences pale in comparison to those of the lovers I've had since then, so his opinion would be biased from that standpoint. But I do feel like I hold back now in ways I haven't in the past. I know that this is related to fear... because I perceive that my husband can't meet my considerable sexuality on its own terms, I've trained myself (subconsciously) to parcel out sexual response in "safe" doses. Even with lovers I perceive as being able to handle it, I can feel myself holding back in the same way, and it feels like I've forgotten how not to do that. I suppose the question is, is this adolescent? Is this "normal" adult behavior in a society that's as simultaneously sex-obsessed and sex-repressed as ours? Certainly, the people I've been lucky enough to call friends are much more sexually open than the general population, but hey, we all have baggage, right?

So, dear readers, past lovers, innocent bystanders... here's the participation portion of today's LJ experience. Because, while I'll ponder this myself ad nauseum, it's a bit hard for me to get outside of my head and my own experiences. So, I'm interested in hearing how you perceive me sexually in relation to what I've said. Do I come across as mature in my sexual dealings? If you've been a lover of mine in any capacity, how did I come across (no pun intended) as far as my ability to be in the moment and whatnot? Or anything else you think applies.

***I'm going to screen comments, mostly to get candid responses that aren't affected by seeing other responses. I'll probably unscreen them in a week or so, so if you don't want your response unscreened, let me know, and I'll leave it screened.

Current Location: 61822

BlckwngdOrcl bought a necklace recently. I could go look up the stones in it, and also write what the properties of them are, but suffice to say that they're meant to bring dreams/visions, among other things. He's been sleeping with it next to his side of the bed, and has been having what he's said are very strange dreams ever since.

What I haven't bothered to mention to him is that I've been having dreams, too. Nothing major... it's just that I'm remembering them in the vaguest of senses as I wake up in the morning, and that's something that hasn't happened in a long time.

Last night was different, though.

I was in someone else's head. I was both omniscient observer and participant, but it was not in the usual way of dreams. It's like there was a part of me that was one step ahead of the game, knew what was going to happen before it did, and it had the feel of having suddenly been placed inside a newspaper story; one that I don't recall having read/seen in waking life, and remembered just enough of for the next scene to trigger a thought of what happened next.

At the same time, I was the main character; a young girl, maybe college age... perhaps even home from college. There was a funeral, I think. At any rate, there was some reason why her family was all back home. I got the impression that this was the first time in a while that they'd all been together, and that there were 2-3 other siblings, and I believe all were sisters. It was hard to tell if the funeral was for our family, or for our neighbor's family, but we did go back and forth between the houses a bit. One of "my" sisters was making a list of all the things that we needed to get for the usual post-funeral potluck, and I remember it included a rather long list of wines. I know that the person who had died was male, and was either my father, or a father figure for the neighbors. I got the impression that "our" family and the neighbor's family were so close as to be indistinguishable; had a sense of running around together as children, in and out of each other's houses, all things done together as a matter of course, and our parents the same. The man who had died had money, and there was some speculation on what would happen with the will, as it was generally regarded that he'd been a stingy bastard in his lifetime, and not horribly well-liked. So, "my" sisters and I (and some other people that floated about) were over, planning, in our house, while the neighbor family was in theirs. The funeral was later that afternoon.

The houses both seemed to be estates, in the sense that each appeared to have a lot of land; woods, grassy areas, water, and "I" had memories of running through them as a child, playing with my siblings and the neighbors, having fun. I didn't see the other house very well, but the house "I" lived in was something like a cross between a brownstone and that kind of house that's typically stone on the bottom and white wood on the top, with brown vertical boards... there's a word for it, and I can't think of it right now. At any rate, there was stone, and ivy, and the house was old. Not unkempt, just worn.

One of the neighbors was a man, slightly older than me. He was more the age of my older sisters, and had brown hair and a round face, a little heavy-set, but in a way that seemed to deceptively hide some muscle. I got the impression he had just gotten out of jail not too long ago, or somesuch. I recalled that the reason he was in jail had something to do with something that had happened maybe 5-10 years ago, and that it had happened on our property, and that all of us had been involved to some degree or another, as was always the case with our two families. What it was, though, I was never clear on. I had been too young to really comprehend, and it was one of those things just never spoken of. At some point in the dream, though, he must have talked about it, because it came up later.

I remember that we had all gone over to the neighbor's house to help with preparations for the funeral, but that I left, alone, to go back to "my" house, presumably to get cleaned up. When I got done, the guy was there, and said that he had come over to get me, that we were supposed to be going to get the wine. I didn't think anything of this, and we left together. He was driving something like an SUV, or an old tan Suburban thing. We drove for a bit, and at one point, he pulled over, like something was troubling him, and started to talk a bit about the whole jail thing, referring to the conversation that had been had earlier. I told him that I thought he'd done very well with it; that he'd had a lot of really good insights on what went wrong, and had been very good at being able to say where each person in the scenario, himself and myself included, had gone wrong, and how those actions had contributed to his being in jail, and that he'd done a great job of keeping his cool, not getting angry, etc..

As an aside here, there were a few parts of the dream where I felt like I was intruding on the memory. One of "my" sisters looked like my real-life oldest sister, for instance, but it felt like a construct. During this conversation in the van, I knew the words were mine, rather than the person whose memory I was sharing. As omniscient observer, I knew something bad was about to happen, and I superimposed words that came from years of training, rather than the more awkward attempt that actually happened, even though she was trying to do the same thing I was; keep him calm. There had been something prickling at her awareness, too, but I got that sensation tenfold, and knew to act on it, whereas she was fumbling.

He had pulled over somewhere that kinda looked like a driveway, of a duplex or something, but it must have been something different, because a bunch of runners suddenly emerged, with numbers on their chests, like we'd inadvertently parked at the beginning point of a 10K or something. He had moved from his seat by this point, and was very close to "me"; he was leaning over me, and "I" was leaning back. I had a vague notion of how absurd it was that, amongst all these people, just feet from the vehicle, and certainly able to see in, that no one really saw us; propriety kept anyone from staring too long. His motions at this point had an edge of lust on them... and if I/"I" was just barely beginning to be aware of the tinge of madness, all they could see was two people, apparently lovers, about to get it on. Tasteless, perhaps, but not worth a second glance.

He kissed "me" then. It was more possessive than passionate, but I think it was one and the same for him. As her, I was inexperienced with this. I do recall she had memories of him flirting with her as a child, even though he was older than she was; something she'd only been beginning to recognize as a sexual attraction before he went away. So, while part of her/"me" was screaming "danger!" softly into her mind, there was a part, after all, that had thought about this for years, and been curious.

Somewhere during the kiss, "I" knew he was going to pull back and slap "me", call "me" a whore, blame "me" for the years spent incarcerated. I was starting to wake up, though, and I think I prevented myself from experiencing that, or else the conjecture was wrong. I was in and out of wakefulness at this point. For instance, I have no recollection that she was restrained in any way, but also no thought that it was possible to leave the vehicle. Perhaps it was more a mental thing. My cat came up and somehow made his way into the dream, and I had another moment where I could easily intervene to keep him from hurting my cat; it wasn't part of the actual memory, after all, and could be altered.

I was too awake at this point to really go back to the dream. And I honestly think I didn't want to. I have a reasonable amount of certainty that he killed her. I have enough distance from it that I hope that wasn't the case. I have enough objectivity to know that it *could* just be a dream. But there are dreams, and there are dreams, and there's a difference.

Current Mood: troubled

This was somewhat disjointed, but somehow, it worked in my head as something that flowed.

I was on some sort of vacation with my parents and my oldest sister, and we were driving around, like we were on our way back from the vacation, and we were stopping at all these tourist-y roadside stands, and buying the stuff they sold there. I got the impression there were things that Mom and Dad got from these stands every year, and they were replenishing their supply. In real life, I know they buy pecans every year when they go to/from Florida, and in the dream, they did get pecans. There was also a place where a guy had just gotten this huge batch of fresh chestnuts, and my parents kinda bargained with him, and he gave them this really great deal on them, and they were really pleased to have hit the motherlode of chestnuts, which was apparently on their list of things to get.

From there, either because I got dropped off on the way, or because the journey was ending, I ended up at a place that was kinda like a school, kinda like a summer camp. I was hanging out with a few people there, but there were a lot of people. One of the people there, more like he happened to be there than anything official, was David's son. We got to talking with him for a bit, and he seemed so sad and withdrawn. I'm normally shy around him, mostly 'cause he's really good-looking and a really nice guy, (and recently single!) and part of me would really like to date him. But this time, as he was sitting there, I couldn't take it anymore. "Jeremy, come here," I told him, and started massaging his shoulders, using not just my hands but my energy to try and comfort him. Sometime during this process, he went away. It's not like he left, he was just gone. The group of friends I'd been hanging out with were all still there, and they had been in a circle around us, and they would have had to move for him to leave. I commented with surprise on his absence, and one of the older men in the group said, "Naw, he's still here. Look." He waved his hand idly in front of him, and at the arc of his swing, I could see the energy ripple. I was surprised, but it made sense to me, so I set about bringing him back. I stood up and started channeling energy through my hands, holding them in front of me at about chest height. In a few moments, I was holding his hands in mine; they were stretched over his head, clasped together in fists, like he was stretching or something. From his hands down, he slowly started to re-materialize, and he seemed as if he had dozed off, and had no recollection of going away, or that he had done anything unusual. This happened a couple more times throughout the course of the day, and there was one time where, as he'd returned, I had sat behind him, my arms wrapped around him, feeling such love and compassion for him, and just wanting to provide a safe space for him to BE. I sat like this a long time. I remember thinking about what I knew of his father, and about his recent divorce, and thinking how painful all that must be, and really wanting to help him. I think I was about to tell him about Core, and how I needed to work with a client on my own, and that I'd be happy to work with him, and that I really thought it could help him.

I don't know if I was ever able to finish that, 'cause somewhere in that process, I think my subconscious mind focused on David, and suddenly I was with him, and we were driving somewhere. We had left a gathering of some sort, and I was driving him, and for some reason, away from it. In the dream, I don't think I was even clear on it. He asked if I thought we were going to Shepherd Center (a bit strange, since we clearly weren't in Atlanta, but it's a dream, so whatever), since I was driving this way, and I said I hadn't been sure, so I'd just headed that way. He did his usual calling me a fruitcake thing (affectionately), and I went to turn around. Somehow, in the process of turning around, we ended up driving into the town, and somehow, I was no longer driving, but pushing him around in the wheelchair (which is unusual, since he has a power chair), and we ended up in this store, and we had to go down some stairs. This older shopkeeper lady helped me get him down the stairs, since we had somehow gotten ourselves in a place where there wasn't any choice but stairs. This whole place was a little bit Little House on the Prairie-ish, with the people in the town wearing that kind of clothing, and everything looking a bit of bygone years. There was a little boy there, playing, too.

Next thing I knew, I was by myself in one of these houses, dressed like the rest of the townspeople, and there was this guy who had broken into my house. By now means I could see, he was immobilized on the floor, lying on his back. I kept thinking that, if he wanted to, he could have easily overpowered me and killed me and/or escaped. But he'd been caught breaking in, and was now caught himself. I was there with a knife, and was cutting various parts of his body in a matter-of-fact manner, as a means of punishing him. I remember that I was trying to do this certain cut that ended up fucking someone up for life. It was somehow connected to genito-urinary things, 'cause I got the impression that if I got it right, sex would be difficult, and the bladder would always drip a bit for the rest of his life.

There was another guy there, kind of a Sam Elliot type, and he wandered in as I was doing this. I asked if I was doing it right, and he said that no, if that's what I wanted, I needed to cut a different way, which he showed me without doing the actual cutting. The guy was lying there, scared and helpless, and trying to talk me out of it, but I was very detached from the whole thing. The older guy (not sure who he was, but I could tell he felt a sense of protectiveness over me... maybe just in that frontiersman sort of way... I don't think he was otherwise connected to me) took the knife from me, and did a little cutting himself, not in the way that fucked him up, but eventually dragged him up to sit on the couch. He said it wasn't working, and that the guy wasn't freaking out enough, and that we should change tactics. Apparently, the guy had brought his kid, maybe an 8-year old boy, along for the break-in. The kid, somewhat clueless of what was going on, was well-behavedly sitting in another room on a couch, amusing himself, as he'd apparently been told to do by his father. The older guy said it was useless to torture the man, that he'd get a better result hurting the kid. I think the only reason I wasn't appalled by this was that none of it seemed real, and I think that I was pretty sure he was just bluffing. There was a point where he allegedly cut off the guy's dick and testicles, and threw them aside. I could kindasorta see 'em, and the guy was pleading with the Sam Elliot guy not to show his kid, but he wasn't as frantic as I would have imagined someone to be after something like that, there was no blood, and the discarded genitals looked a bit unreal, like gummy candy, so I think I thought it hadn't really happened.

In this weird sort of good-cop-bad-cop thing, next thing I knew, I had the guy on the couch (again, not looking like he'd recently had his genitals cut off) and the kid was in the other room, sitting on the table his father had been, with the threat looming in the air that the Sam Elliot guy was gonna hurt him (although I had no personal fear of that). I was talking to the guy, trying to be calm. Somehow, I knew he was a single father, and I was trying to wrap my head around his way of thinking. I was saying something like, "OK. I can see that you really care about your son, and that, somehow, you thought that bringing him here with you while you broke into my house was the safest place for him, as opposed to leaving him to be cared for by someone else. But you can see all the things that have happened while you've been here, and it's NOT OK to expose him to that." By the end of my little soliloquy, I was ranting and pacing a bit. I was doing the "NOT OK" thing quite a bit. He seemed genuinely remorseful, and like he was really trying to get it right, but just hadn't thought things through, and/or didn't have a clue.

Next thing I know, he and I are in a pickup truck, driving along. Presumably, the kid is safe in the care of the Sam Elliot guy back at the house. I assume I was driving, but it was really hard to tell. The guy (who I realized looked a lot like Peter MacNicol) was talking about all the mistakes he'd made in his life, and how he'd fucked up this and/or that, and how he just couldn't figure out how to get it right. He was in tears, and the last thing I remember him saying was, "I just wanted to be a lawyer over in Monroe". I was sitting next to him, feeling really compassionate for him, and being fully aware of the whole Helsinki Syndrome thing, but feeling like this guy really WAS trying to get it right, and had made a lot of wrong turns. I could see the glimmer of the person he wanted to be.

That's about when I woke up.

OK, so, themes in this dream:

wanting to help someone in emotional pain/feeling compassion for them: sounds good, but could also be tied in with codependence
seeing the Higher Self in those people, and really wanting to connect to that, and let it shine: I didn't think in terms of the Higher Self in the dream, but that's clearly what it was, and I was wanting to do so from my own Higher Self place, and not from that place that tends towards codependency

Most of the other stuff, I can't really place. I mean, there's the idea of a prairie town, going back to simpler times, but that kinda goes without saying. Not at all sure what the first part of the dream really dealt with.

Anyway, this was the second morning I woke up with a dream lingering, and I thought I should write this one down.

Current Mood: groggy

The first part of the dream that I remember is being in what seemed to me like Warsaw (Indiana). I was outside, talking to my dad, I think, and Murke was with me. I had planned on doing a few things, but my dad said I oughta take a walk and indicated a direction I should go in. There was something specific I was supposed to do on the walk, but I don't remember what. So, I headed out, Murke with me. On the way to wherever it was we were going, Murke suddenly took off into some guy's garage, and leaped down a hole in the floor. The guy and I followed him. He had ended up in a room full of birds, and was in some sort of semi-open cage full of larger birds (pheasant-like, kinda), and was trying to eat a yellow/green parakeet. It got to the point where we had to get him to spit it out (he'd swallowed it whole, Sylvester-style). Anyway, that being done, I ended up starting a conversation with the guy and all the other people who were in this basement room. The guy was older, but all the other people were youngish. The conversation was a bit on the radical side. Turns out they were a group of people who were pretty liberal, living in an area that was predominantly conservative. The conversation ranged about several things in that vein. I remember at one point, someone told someone else not to sit so close to a particular window/ledge, and there seemed to be a warning involved, but no one thought much of it. Later, when I got to talking, and was sitting in the same place, and had gotten up, one of the women there looked back into the screen of of the window and said something like "Oh, that's not good". For some reason, this got everyone's attention, and they ended up pulling this thing out of the space between the window and the screen. It looked like a dog's chew-toy, like some sort of malformed lobster-like thing, but for some reason, it disturbed people. Like it was a toy or something that had been around a while, but it was suddenly somehow different, and sinister. Like it might have some form of evil sentience. A few people tried a few things, but they all seemed to want it destroyed. For some reason, they all seemed reluctant to do it, and I ended up being the one to "kill" the possibly-alive thing. I ended up stomping on it, and tearing it into several pieces. While it didn't technically react to this, it did seem to "die", and got pale and sick-looking (or at least its parts did). The people seemed a bit disconcerted at the thoroughness of the job I was doing, but I'd seen enough horror movies and done enough gaming to know that the job had better be done right the first time. One of the guys in the room checked out the pieces, and it turned out there were lumpy things on the inside that might have been some rudimentary organs, and what looked like a simple circulatory system (yellow). The guy ended up calling and leaving a message with some doctor and telling him about what they found. Maybe the doctor had given it to them to begin with? I was unclear on this. Then, Murke and I left (they were somewhat amazed that he would come when I called and follow me like a dog), although we ended up in a room with more people, possibly the same people, because we were talking about the shared experience with the lobster thing. The setting was supposed to be a shamanic class, and Carla came in, drumming, and we told her briefly about what had happened. She was sprinkling some sand/dust out of a little pouch, which became empty, and she explained how she refilled it, and demonstrated, and said that we were going to go to the spirits to find out what the deal was with the creature. Next thing I knew, I was walking next to a big highway. Murke was gone. I ended up crossing the highway with some difficulty, noting that it was hot enough to burn my feet, and I was barefoot. I finally made it to the other side, where there was grass, and kept walking, having no idea where I was or how I had gotten there. I made my way to a row of what appeared to be themed restaurants, where there was this weird song and dance thing going on. I ended up inside the last one, and happened to see Mike Bloom inside (I used to work with him at EGL), and went to him quietly, and asked him if I was still in Georgia. He asked if I knew what day it was, and I started to get even more worried. I'm not sure if either of the questions were answered, but the impression I got was that it had been a couple of days, and I was in Georgia, but no longer in metro Atlanta (which is weird, since the first part of my dream felt like Indiana). I asked about calling someone, and he said that he actually had a number that I was supposed to call if I was found, and gave it to me. It had the name of someone I'd never heard of. I told him that I couldn't call the number, and pulled him close, so I could urgently whisper the story of what had happened, and how the last thing I remembered was being about to find out something about the strange creature, and asked him if he could understand why I could never ever call the number of the person. He did understand, and I felt safe. I got the impression that the people who came around asking about me had been in Atlanta, and it was just a weird fluke that he and I were in this remote place. I think I was about to ask him for some money so I could go away and try to figure this whole thing out, but then I woke up.

Current Mood: drained

( Cut for sexual content )

In my waking world, I got to bed very late last night, followed by a lot of pleasant not-sleeping. The downside was that somehow I missed waking up when I was supposed to. I rolled over, looked at the clock, which said 9:44am. I was out of the bed with the phone in my hand, which indicated 2 missed calls. I just assumed they were Jamele and hit the button to call back. Luckily, we were able to reschedule for later in the afternoon, so I was able to get ready and such, although I think I was stressed out until I actually got there. Didn't help that MapQuest was FUCKED. Anyway, I was glad that he was in the middle of something when I got there, 'cause it gave me a chance to lie down for a while and relax and get myself centered and such. The photo shoot was cool. He purposefully put me in some positions that were contorted a bit, to get whatever look he was going for, and when I looked at the pictures, it was amazing how those poses created art. It was almost hard to remind myself that this was a human form, because I was seeing it as a mass of light, shadow, and form. One of those, "Whoa, I'm Art!" moments.

When I left (and tried to reverse-engineer the MapQuest directions, and found that they were even more fucked than I thought), I stopped at the Zesto in Little 5, 'cause they're supposed to have such fabulous ice cream, and had a small cone. It was good - reminded me of Flagpole ice cream from when I was growing up. I was feeling in an interesting headspace, so I decided to stop at Choco-Late and get some tea and read for a while. I keep one of my animal communication books in my purse at all times, so I can read it if I get somewhere that's possible/useful. So, I had tea, and read. When I got home, I tried some of the exercises in the book, and I think I actually connected with Romero. Even to the point where I got him to do something I wanted him to do. I drifted off to sleep, then - hence the dream. Upon waking, Romero seems calmer, and more ready to listen to me. I'm trying to convince myself that this isn't my imagination.

I've eaten as I typed - went to Rainbow yesterday, where they had quite a few buy-one-get-one specials, which I took advantage of. I was able to get way more than I intended, well within my budget, and that's never a bad thing. Oh, and Cowboy Cookies. Those are the shit. Sadly, I don't have those now, but I wish I did.

Anyway, that's my day.

Current Mood: complacent

So, I had a dream last night, that even I find pretty easy to interpret (at least I think I do -I could be talking out my ass).

I was in a house - was very similar to the house we used to live in in Dwight, on Waupaunsie Street. Very similar to waking life, in that the house was spotless, and apparently recently so. Then I went out to the garage, which was still pretty cluttered. I was sort of aghast about it, mostly 'cause I think I had forgotten the garage was there, and I was shocked to find there was still part of the house that was still fucked up, even though it was outside and not technically part of the house.

In addition to the clutter, there was this beautiful desk - ancient-looking but well-maintained, dark wood, very ornate. In the dream, this had been left behind (along with much of the other clutter) by Mark Jensen. Mark is a guy I knew in real life in Illinois, who did live with us for a while, but never in the house on Waupansie, and was way too fastidious to have ever left anything behind (much less what I later found in the desk, which is something I doubt he would have had, ever). I remember seeing all the clutter, and seeing how much of it wasn't really mine, and being annoyed at Mark, but I quickly moved on to being fascinated by the desk. I noticed that, as part of its ornate decorations, there were little fountains everywhere. They were kinda like those fountains that glow and give off steam (can't find a pic on the web easily to link), but they were small, no bigger than my fist, and there were several of them around the desk, built into the many turret-like structures that were superfluously, but beautifully, scattered throughout the desk. (Incidentally, in real life, the Beastie needs a new desk, and I was thinking this one would be perfect for him, as I was looking it over in the dream.)

Inside each fountain was a flame, but the kinda flames like you see licking over an oil spill or something - not a nice neat contained candle flame, but somehow flickering over most of the surface of the steam. I couldn't really see the fuel source, but guessed the desk had some sort of internal something-or-other that kept it going. The flames were beautiful, multi-colored, but I was annoyed and scared that they were there. In the dream, Jensen had moved out at least several weeks back, which meant he had left an unattended flame, and I hadn't noticed it, so it had been this little fire hazard crackling merrily in my garage for quite some time. Anyway, I'm scoping this whole thing out for a while, and in one of the many dark recesses in the desk, I sort of hear/see something. I realize there's a cage in there, somehow, and there's a rat in the cage. Now I was really upset - a living animal abandoned, probably starving. Of course, I immediately took it out of the cage. I was relieved to see that it didn't really look too bad off, like maybe it had gotten food/water somehow, and it wasn't dirty. (I also noted it didn't bite, for which I was relieved, but I was determined to get it out of there.) I took it in the house to give it food/water, and I don't remember much after that. Only that, at one point, I had set it down, and needed to pick it up again, and I must have startled it, 'cause it squeaked at me, but still didn't bite. At any rate, it looked like it was going to be OK. (Note: When I found it, I was thinking I should give it to

Spy_Isis, 'cause rats are her thing and she'd know how to take care of it properly, but the longer I was with it, I figured I'd probably end up keeping it myself.)

So, according to my Animal Speak book, Rat indicates the following:

KEYNOTE: Success, Restlessness, and Shrewdness
CYCLE OF POWER: Year-Round

The sight of a rat usually distresses most pople. Rats often carry contagious diseases, and though rats don't have a very elegant reputation, they are tremedndously adaptable.

In Chinese astrology, the first year is assigned to the rat. A legend tells how at one time Buddha summoned all of the animals to him. Of all the animals, only twelve showed up, and the first was the rat. To honor each of the animals, Buddha names a year after each one, giving the first year to the rat. People born in the Chinese year of the rat are said to be success-oriented, sometimes restless and nervous, but always very shrewd.

Although the city rat can be a pest, its cousin the wood rat, or country rat, is a most exceptional animal. It is intelligent and often displays an ability to reason. Studies have shown that wild rats are brighter than laboratory rats.

The rat has succeeded in proliferation in spite of the efforts of humanity. This drive for success may be what the rat has come to speak of with you. Are you drving too hard? Are you not pushing hard enough? Do you need to be more aggressive in pursuing your goals?

Rats are highly social and often cooperate in survial efforts. They store food, reflecting an interesting economy. They are the most adaptable of animals with an ability to survive in most environments.

Two rats were introduced into this country - the black rat from the orient and the Norway or brown rat. Of the two, the Norway is often considered the most harmful because it can easily destroy great quantities of stored food. If possible, identify the rat. Begin by asking yourself: Is this a country rat or a city rat? And then go from there.

If a rat has shown up as a totem, you may find yourself getting more restless. It may indicate a time to be more shrewd in all of your dealings. Are you not hanlding the pests in your life properly? Do you need to become more adaptable? It may even reflect a time to more aggressively pursue endeavors for success. The behavior of the rat when you see it will help you to determine the kind of energy it specifically brings to you.

Well, since I had already determined what I thought the dream meant before I cracked open the book, I kinda take that which "proves" my interpretation. Which is, basically, that now that I've cleaned up my house, it's time to clean up other stuff, too. The garage being attached but not really inside the house, I'm thinking this means more external stuff. Before the cracking open the book, I was thinking it was referring to my too-long-neglected social life, but now I'm wondering if it's referring to my pursuit of animal communication. Either way, it's good advice. For the record, the rat was brown, and definitely didn't look like something you'd get from a pet store or find in the city, so I'm guessing it was a country rat, although it certainly didn't seem destructive. Quite calm, in fact.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Very pleased to be dreaming again, actually. :)

Current Mood: awake

So, I remember a little more of the dream than what I'm writing here, but I have to save this part for posterity. :)

( Cut for length )

I fell asleep early, and am now up for a while. Had an interesting dream...

I was at work, and some chick came in for some sort of facial procedure, which I'd only ever been trained on once, but I was the only one there, 'cause we all thought we were done for the day, and everyone else had left. So, I'm trying to fake treating her, but while she's waiting, and I'm fumbling around looking for equipment, something happens to her. Can't remember what, but it postpones the treatment. Work has somehow been connected with a house, which I think was supposed to belong to my parents, but was unlike any I'd ever seen, but I'm wandering all over the house trying to find the equipment to complete her procedure, 'cause, in spite of whatever issue she's having, she still hasn't just up and said she's going to reschedule and go home, so I'm still not sure if I'm gonna hafta pull this out of my ass or not.

Then, suddenly I'm in a grocery store of some sort. I think I'm part of some group of people going there together, almost like a tour group, but I'm not interacting with any of them. Rob Lowe is there, and flirting with me. Then, either he leaves, or he becomes Kyle Hoskins (more on him later), who is also flirting with me, pretty heavily. It's one of those things where you meet a random stranger, and the sparks just ignite. We're leaving together in the parking lot, and something happens, and he has to leave, so he's taking off, and I'm all like, "Kyle, wait!", and he hesitates, and says that he doesn't remember telling me his name. I told him that he didn't, but that I'd grown up in his hometown, and recognized him, and hadn't said anything, because I wasn't sure if he recognized me. I asked him if his bus stop had been on Cardinal or Bluebird. He said Bluebird. (I actually think his stop was a different one.) I told him that I'd been on Oriole, and he said he maybe remembered me, but that I looked so different now. (In my dream, I was a frumpy kid, but had grown into someone beautiful, in the societally-accepted sense.) Anyway, he left, and the woman from work was back, in the parking lot, still having some sort of illness issue going on. I fussed over her a bit, hiding my impatience, and gently suggesting that if she felt so bad, she should go home and rest, and of course it wouldn't be any trouble at all to reschedule her. I think I finally got her to leave.

Anyway, after that, I go driving to try to find Kyle, in the dark. I end up allsortsa places I have no idea when I am, and somehow ended up stopping at some sort of festival/vendor-y looking place. It was daylight. The place I ended up was a glass vendor - blown glass and such. The people there were the cool hippie type, but they were a little weird, like the type you'd meet in a horror movie, who seem basically normal, but they're just a little off, and you later find out they're in a weird cult or something, and you're going to be their human sacrifice. I wasn't frightened of them yet, though - just that "off" feeling. Anyway, I kept asking where I was, saying that I'd driven all night, looking for this guy, and was lost, and I just wanted to know what town I was in. I kept thinking I was in Lithonia, but no one would confirm that, and I felt they were being deliberately obtuse, not quite answering the question I was asking. In the meantime, one of the glass chicks took off my glasses and was painting little flowers in the corner of my lenses (although the paint was actually glass).

I woke up around then, and I'm not quite sure why this dream has stuck with me, other than the whole Kyle Hoskins thing. I mean, Kyle Hoskins??? This is a guy, maybe a couple of years older than me, who grew up in the same subdivision I did (Melody Acres - hence all the bird name streets), with whom I didn't hang out at all. I mean, it was a small town, and the subdivision was an even smaller slice of that, so of course I knew him, knew who he was, and I would presume he knew me, as well. He stuck out a bit because of his strikingly blonde (platinum) hair and ice-blue eyes. Good-looking guy. At the time, not knowing him at all, and being a judgemental child with low self-esteem, I assumed he was dickhead. I don't specifically recall any instances of such, only that his parents were well-to-do, and he seemed stuck up. I haven't thought about him since I moved from Warsaw when I was 15, and I wracked by brain when I woke up, trying to figure out why the fuck he would be in my dreams.

Actually, it's Q100's fault - they were talking about guys wearing girls jeans, and that immediately brought Kyle to mind - I remember he had taken to wearing Jordache jeans (the height of fashion at the time), which I had always thought were chick clothes. (Not that he didn't look good in them, 'cause he did.) So, that's, I suppose, why he was on my mind. Still, though, I can't help wondering if there's more to it than that, 'cause that's how I think. I tried Googling his name, but nothing with pictures came up in the sites I looked at, so no luck there.

*shrug*

Current Mood: curious

The fact that I checked my voicemail before hopping in the shower allows me to make this post, since I no longer have to be anywhere until 3:15pm.

( Weird Dream )

At 3:15pm today, I'll be visiting

SimplySakka at her place of work. For business, not pleasure. Last Thursday, after having eaten twice and brushing my teeth without any hint of a problem, I popped a stick of gum in my mouth (clients, doncha know) and bit down. *OMGEXCRUCIATINGPAIN* So, a few masochistic experiments later, I determined this wasn't an isolated thing, and gave her a call at the office to describe my symptoms. She says I either have a filling out or coming out, or my tooth is cracked. She said it wasn't unusual for me not to have noticed either happening. So, joy.

On the bright side, it means I'm going to a dentist.

I don't have the horrible fear of dentists that most have. In fact, back when I had insurance, I was an every-six-month-without-fail kinda patient. However, I haven't had dental insurance since I moved here, except for one brief time when I worked for the Red Cross. I made appointments for the beast and me, only to find out that the initial appointment was simply an evaluation, not a cleaning, or all the other things I was used to having done all in one visit. Well, before the second visit could take place, I was out of that job, and haven't had dental insurance since.

BlckwngdOrcl will someday have dental insurance through his work, but that hasn't happened yet. Anyway, the result of this is that, in essence, I haven't been to a dentist since I moved here 6 years ago. I personally find this rather appalling. I mean, flossing aside, 'cause I'm a bad flosser, I take good care of my teeth, and the lady at the dental appointment I did go to a couple of years ago said my teeth looked like they were in pretty good shape, other than desparately in need of a cleaning. Not sure how much I believe this, since my gums have clearly receded over the years. But, she said her initial look at the x-rays they took showed no cavities. And I haven't had any since I was like 15. (Somehow, moving to South Carolina gave me 3 cavities within a year...) So, this visit isn't for anything other than fixing the immediate problem, but hopefully, we'll have insurance soon. Right now,

BlckwngdOrcl is listed as part time, but, as far as I can tell, he's been consistently working full time hours. I'm wondering if Petsmart is one of those places that keeps you part time until you've passed that 90-day mark, then viola! Full time status and benefits. *crosses fingers* Although I really don't know how long he's worked there, so not sure how long it'll be. I'm probably the only weirdo excited at the thought of going to the dentist. (Well, not today's visit. I specifically chose Szikman 'cause they have those painless novacaine injections, and I'm quite sure I'll need a few.)

BlckwngdOrcl, on the other hand, needs lots of work done on his teeth. Ah, the joys.

Another appointment of sorts I had today has been postponed. I'm being cryptic about it for now. There are some downsides to having a public LJ. However, I'll tell all when the time is right. In the meantime, generic good energy sent in my direction would be helpful. I'll just say to gear it towards prosperity.

Anyway, that's it so far. I may or may not be posty today, since I can. I'll even give the blonde beastie a ride to work, especially if he buys me lunch. ;)

Current Mood: awake

My parents were in town (here) to visit, and were coming over to see me. They were also visiting other friends in the area. (I'm presuming these friends were Marshall and Theresa, who actually moved away from here a few years back; Marshall died a few weeks ago. My parents don't know anyone else here, besides my friends.) So, for some reason, we couldn't seem to get together. Somehow, I got kinda bored waiting for them, and wandered (walked, I think, 'cause it wasn't far in my dream) to AbbaDabba's. It was the one in Little Five, but it was in a different place, and, in addition to shoes and a few quirky accessories, it also had a lot of bright flowy clothing, which I adored. I was actually looking for something specific, although I don't know what it was. I know I wanted it to wear while my parents were here, though. There was this alcove-like area, and it led into what was either a bedroom-like room, or suite of rooms, all decorated in that flowy-flimsy style. Lots of pillows, canopy silk, that sort of thing. Kinda harem-like. (I'm not 100% sure this is where this happened... my memory of the chronology of the dream is shaky. I just remember there was a first time, and a second time, so I'm guessing the first time was here.) Anyway,

dai_syn somehow ended up in this little alcove with me, and we were lying on the bed, talking. He had that look on his face like he always does, sort of a bemused, teasing look, although in the dream, I took it to be more flirty, suggestive. We talked about all sortsa stuff, although I can't remember what it was. Somehow, though, we ended up kissing. Not deep passionate kissing, but kissing more like his expression - teasing. Like, he had said something about it, in a teasing way, but still with that note of authority he has. Kinda like, since he knew I'd always wanted to do that, he was humoring me, but made it clear he was still in control of the situation. He seemed more amused by it, like it was a pleasant experiment, and he liked watching my reactions to it. I was left feeling a bit flushed, excited, teased, and bemused, myself.

Anyway, I left there alone, and headed home. I was still in Atlanta, but was also somehow in the house I'd grown up in in Indiana. I was there for a while, puttering around, and

spy_isis,

toguspyder, and

dai_syn drove up. My parents still weren't around, but I was supposed to leave to meet them soon. We chatted for a while, and somehow,

dai_syn and I ended up upstairs in the bedroom again. We were talking again, and he was saying something about medical stuff, showing me what to do if something happened to him. He had a little (subQ) syringe, and was talking about injections of whatever medicine (I think it was heart-related) to use in the circumstances we were talking about. Somehow, in the middle of the conversation, he just kinda reached over and gave me a shot with the syringe. He gave me the shot just to the side of my sternum, kinda in the side of my breast. I was sorta lying down, and he was sitting above me. I must have been topless for this to occur, but I don't recall being topless in the dream, or else I was, and it was no big deal, so much so that neither of us noticed. I felt almost nothing with the injection, and commented that he gave good shots.

"So do you," he replied with more much seriousness that one would have thought that statement needed. "Completely painless." He seemed lost in thought for a while after this, and I remember being somewhat flattered about it, but also a bit confused. (In the dream, I had apparently given him shots before. In real life, I never have. The only friends I've given shots to were Dawn and Frog.)

Anyway, we went downstairs to hang out with everyone else again, and I finally left to see my parents. I was meeting them in a mall, like Phipps or Lenox. Huge contrast between their upscale world and my hippie world (AbbaDabbas). I remember wondering if they were gonna be upset, since I rarely saw them, and had run late because of hanging out with friends, and knowing I wouldn't have blamed them if they had been, since I hated giving up time to spend with them when I was visiting there. I saw them coming towards me in the mall. I think they were with friends. I think I vaguely remember greeting them before I woke up.

Current Mood: awake

I'm running late for work, but I just wanna put this down for posterity. Which, really, is pointless, since prophetic dreams do NOT seem to be my thing at ALL.

But, just in case, I wanted to remember the date...

I dreamt last night that Fig came over. He had broken up with Jessica, and was sorta casually apologetic about the whole situation in the past. He had a ring. It was similar to one he'd gotten me in the past (he didn't technically get it for me, but it was still somehow from him in my head... too long to give the details right now), one that I've since lost. It was a pink paua (sp?) shell ring. Magenta, really. The one I had before was, I mean. The one he had now was much bigger, somewhat more intricate, and a pale pink. Something about it had been for Jessica, or it had been hers, but he'd had to get the stone replaced, and she didn't want it. Not sure if it was because she didn't like the ring or because they had broken up. So, he was giving it to me, with all the implied symbolism. (Well, not ALL the implied symbolism. There was no romantic component. It was like the ring Janelle gave Fig back in the day, the one that represented their friendship, that she had made him promise to never take off unless she did it herself. While I was with him, he never did.) Anyway, he was wanting me to put it on, in that sense. Same finger as he wore Janelle's ring, same finger as I had worn the original ring that I'd lost (my pinky). In my dream, it was on my left hand, but I don't remember if either of the other rings were worn on the left hand. Anyway, I was kinda talking about it, talking about the ring, not really sure if the stone was the same (it was, upon closer inspection), etc.. Fig was getting frustrated, as if there were some sort of deadline, and asked me to worry about that stuff later, and just to put it on. He put it on me, and there was some sort of speech involved, and I couldn't tell if it was impromptu or ritualistic. I remember that I had to come up with a response speech, but I can't remember if it involved putting a ring on his finger or not. In the dream, I was still married, and the ring Fig gave me was next to my wedding ring. There was no question in my head that my marriage would continue as is. I think I was trying to figure out how to incorporate all this.

Current Mood: lethargic

I'm not gonna bother with details, really. I was in the hospital for an operation. I have no idea what kind.

blckwngdorcl and

lunenoire were there, but off to the side somehow. I remember that the nurse gave me some sort of thing to make me sleepy, as if they thought it was time for me to have the surgery, but I never did end up in surgery. I told her shortly afterwards that I needed to go to the bathroom, and she reluctantly took me there; I don't think I was supposed to get up after the meds. I was kindasorta fuzzy, but that was about it. She was annoyed that I wouldn't touch the IV pole.

(Note: In waking hours, I am petrified by IVs. If I have one in, I won't look at it, touch it, or otherwise acknowledge it, except for the fact that I will use the hand it's in very gingerly. If I can at all avoid it, I won't touch or look at anything associated with the IV, either.)

Anyway, we made it back to the prep area.

blckwngdorcl and

lunenoire were still there, off to the side, but somehow we'd ended up in a place that was more like a living room. There was some discussion. I remember Mike Burns sitting off at a table, doing his own thing. (He was a guy who used to work at Toys R Us with Fig.) He was on the computer or something, and someone said something that either annoyed him or was unintentionally derogatory. Anyway, he bitched about it (he isn't the bitchy type), and I was like "Mike!" (in real life, we always called him "Mr. Burns", a la the Simpsons, even though that didn't fit his personality at all). Then I said something to the effect of not taking whatever was said personally, 'cause it wasn't meant that way. I finished with, "This is me, dude!" There were some other people there, including an older lady who left temporarily, leaving behind some gold ring with a huge smooth purple stone, except the ring was large enough to go around someone's arm. Later, there turned out to be two of them, but the second one was more ornate. I remember hearing

blckwngdorcl say from across the room that I'd been given permission by

logomancer for one unsolicited phone call. This was a bit of a surprise, but not really. I mean, I figured he must have heard through the grapevine that I was having this surgery, and figured that such an event was enough to break our silence. I wasn't the least bit sleepy by this time, and there was no one around that looked like they were taking me anywhere, so I wandered over there. Apparently,

blckwngdorcl was checking my voicemail messages for me. Not answering the phone, just checking the messages that were left. And then he said that Fig had left the same message. That kinda blew my mind. I had to clarify that, that BOTH of them had called, independently of each other, and left the SAME message??? But, that did appear to be the case. Fig, it would seem, was in town. That one kinda blew my mind. He was in town, he wanted me to call him, (which led me to believe he was alone), he knew how to get in touch with me to begin with, and (I presumed) he knew about the surgery. So, that part was kinda weird. Silence broken by two people I'd be interested in being in contact with again, out of the blue, even though it was before something like a surgery.

*shrug* I rarely have prophetic dreams, but that would be cool.
(Well, y'know... not the surgery part...)

Current Mood: hungry

More dreams, less weirdness. Hooray!

I don't remember details, but the gist of the dream was that I took

lunenoire to meet my parents, but spent most of the time upstairs in the bedroom reading. When I did go downstairs, I found that he and my mother were poring over pictures of me when I was younger. Appropriate oohs and aahs were made. There was also a scene in some shop, possibly a car repair place that also had a little cafe' and video game place. I don't know if

lunenoire was there with me or not.

This dream was possibly prompted by the fact that it was storming here when I went to sleep, and I was worried about him getting rained on. I remember rolling over sometime in the middle of the night, and seeing

blckwngdorcl at my computer, and was about to ask him if

lunenoire had gotten home OK, but I realized that, if he was at my computer, then obviously

lunenoire was on his.

So, all is well. I'm awake, nothing strange happened yesterday (I did remarkably well for 1 hour of sleep), I had no strange dreams, I'm well ahead of my timetable for getting to work this morning, and my Starbucks card promises me hot black goodness.

(Oh, wait, I have that at home, don't I?)
*giggle*

Current Mood: good

So, after having slept most of the day yesterday, I didn't really get fully to sleep until... oh, about less than an hour and a half ago. Note that I'm up now, and I need to get ready for work.

*sigh*

So, anyway, no doubt brought on by my restless channel surfing while I was trying to sleep, I had a dream a la The Day After Tomorrow. But get this. Like yesterday's dream, it was so vivid and realistic that, in the dream I remembered I had to go to work today. And the alarm went off a few times. And in between the alarm going off, I dreamed (vividly) that it finally occured to me that there wasn't going to be work with the weather as fucked up as it was. I even called Sona to see, and the answering machine confirmed the place wasn't open today, so I hit the snooze about 3 more times before it occured to me that I'd been given this information in a dream, and in real life, it was very unlikely that I didn't have to be at work today (in spite of my lack of sleep), and I'd better get my ass up.

OK, so what the fuck is up with all this?

Without going into detail, since I need to shower, I will say that

boastful and

eloreen have said that the energy weirdnesses that have been going on lately (some say for about a year) are getting stronger, and affecting just about everyone in the metaphysical community.

boastful says he gets the impression it's going to get strongest in the next 2-3 weeks. And Samhain is coming. (This was part of my entry I accidently closed yesterday, but that was before I had another dream that almost kept me from work.)

Anyone else having stuff like this? I saw

savage_rose's most recent post. I think I'll try to make sure we have water...

Yikes.

Current Mood: groggy

Hmmmm... that's a much more auspicious subject line than this entry is really about... it implies some sort of revelation has occured, which it hasn't, but... it's poetic, and I like it, so there.

Anyway, I went to work yesterday per usual, and ended up staying after work to treat the Q100 makeover contest winner. Which was fine, but I noticed that my head was starting to hurt as time went on. I've been having a lot of headaches recently, now that I think of it, although I'm not sure if they're the migraines I was having before... Anyway, on the ride home, I felt somewhat out of it, and my vision was ...weird. I can't pinpoint what the problem was, but things just seemed... I hate to use the term "out of focus", 'cause that isn't exactly accurate. But it's like I didn't have any peripheral vision. Unless I was fully focused on something (and it was hard to focus sometimes), the rest was just a blur. Made me a little nervous, driving in the dark...

Anyway, I got home, not feeling quite myself.

lunenoire immediately picked up on this, and said that I should rest. I had some of his fabulous spaghetti first, and watched mindless TV while I ate. The same visual stuff applied. Actually, now that I think of it, it's kinda like those Claritin commercials. Where they're talking about being Claritin clear, and the scene that you thought was just fine changes, and they "peel" off a layer, and suddenly it's sharper, crisper, brighter. I felt like everything I saw was through that type of film - it looked OK, but there was something just "off" about it.

So, then I had a dream. I was at work. Typical day. I was feeling kinda weird, limbs very heavy, my vision as I've described above. I'm sure I was coming across to my co-workers as distracted, but I couldn't quite place the feeling, and since it didn't feel like any kind of sick I could relate to, I just kinda kept going through the motions of work without saying anything, all the while being more and more distracted and fuzzy because of what was going on. In the part of the dream I remember vividly, even now, after having slept several more hours and caught up on email/LJ, I had just taken a chart from the rack, and was heading up front to get the client. I was having that fuzzy thing with the vision, and my limbs felt like lead. I fell on the way up, about halfway to the reception area. It wasn't like a "thunk" or anything like that. It's like I was walking, or trying to walk, and somehow fell slowly, and silently, to the floor... almost like swimming into it. I remember being on the floor, looking directly at Mo, who was looking at me in that moment of confusion and wonder, just before the "oh, shit, what just happened?" kicks in. I was on the floor, still trying to walk. Somehow, I got up. I think there were people around me who had seen what had happened, who were trying to get to me, trying to help me, but they were still sorta in shock, and their movements were sort of cluttered. I was equally cluttered in my movements, and somehow this ended up with me being over by the lobby area, but I hadn't called the client whose chart I held. I'm not sure I had a chart in my hands anymore, actually. I'm not sure where or why I was walking. I don't think I knew in the dream, either. I think I just figured I should be up and walking and working, not on the floor trying to walk while horizontal. My limbs were still heavy, my eyes still fuzzy. As I was walking, this client, one I didn't really recognize, but knew I had treated him before, and we'd had a good rapport, came up behind me and put his arms around me. This isn't unusual, for me to get hugs and physical gestures of affection from my clients... but this time, I was barely walking to begin with, and when he wrapped his arms around my waist, it threw off my equilibrium, and I was falling in that same soft slow motion, he with his arms still around me, as if it were perfectly natural, and me saying weakly "nononononooo...". He wasn't malicious about it... he just didn't get it, or it hadn't registered yet.

Anyway, I woke up around then, and felt very much like I felt in the dream. Heavy limbs, fuzzy eyes. I felt like I couldn't string two words together. I sincerely considered asking

lunenoire to call off work for me, but was having trouble trying to figure out how to tell him to do that, so I dragged myself out of bed, and after several failed attempts (had a hard time reading the numbers on the page, and had a hard time dialing), I got a hold of Natalie, and called off. I don't even remember what I told her. I don't know if I sounded like I could put two words together or not. I think the best I could come up with when

lunenoire and

blckwngdorcl asked me why I wasn't going to work was "I feel weird".

Anyway, when I finally got up, I felt fuzzy and heavy, but not in the same way, I don't think. I've been sitting at the computer doing the catchup thing, and I don't seem to feel bad now. I feel a tad out of it, but not as much. I haven't really tried to push myself to do much. I'm not sure how I feel, exactly. I think I am gonna grab a bite to eat, and see what happens with that. I'm just gonna move slowly and see what happens.

I headed back to bed, having trouble getting comfortable, or even feeling like I was fully here. My nose was (is) stuffed up, and it was just hard getting back to sleep. I slept another 6 hours, and got up about an hour or two ago - I'm not sure.

Current Mood: weird

This is gonna be very disjointed, 'cause my memory of the dream is very disjointed.

I do know I had a dream before I woke up the first time, and I remember little to nothing of it, except that I was around Warsaw people from my childhood. I remember Sarah Workman (now Richardson) was there, and there was a guy there that looked like Scott Lee, and there was a pretty girl there that looked like she might be his wife. I moved long before he got married, of course, but I had heard he got married, and that his wife was pretty. So, guy who looks like Scott, pretty chick with him... must be him, right? Anyway, I kept trying to get close to him, but there was always a crowd, and I always just missed him. I know I wanted to catch up with him (in the literal and colloquial sense), and also to tell him that, in 20/20 hindsight, I had said some cruel things to him when I was younger, but that I was sorry, and I had always considered him a friend. (Even though my main friendship was with his younger brother John, who was my age. I had the biggest crush on John.)

In the second dream, I was initially in a house kinda out in the woods. I know that

gaeasson and

jupitercornwall were there, but there were some other people there that I know of mostly by reputation, but had rarely been around in person. (

myndsweep, maybe?

cid62?) Anyway, there was some tension of some type going on, and someone requested some type of formal discussion on it. Apparently, there were rules in place for this sort of thing, which included a particular type of chair to sit in during such a discussion. (Old bean bag chairs, apparently.)

jupitercornwall was on the periphery of it, and I was talking to him, mostly, but mostly in the form of trying to proposition him. He was sort of aloof and detached about it, so I ended up leaving there.

Somehow I ended up somewhere, another house, I think. This time, John Lee was there, and Michael Barnes - both Warsaw people from my childhood. Interesting that Scott (who I never dream of that I can recall) was in my first dream, and John in the second, with no inkling of the other in the opposite dreams. Interesting also about Mike. I knew a lot of people in my childhood. It was a small town, and the smarter kids tended to be the popular ones, especially as I got older. I wasn't pretty like most of the smart kids, but they all liked me, so I was sorta popular-by-association. Mike, however, was someone I knew mostly from elementary school, before the cliques really started, and everyone was just a person. We weren't really close friends in either case. But, other than the people who WERE close to me, like John, Scott, and Sarah, with whom I spent most of my time (John and Scott lived across the street from me, and Sarah and her sister Stacey, whom I was originally closer to, lived next door to them), I pretty much don't dream about kids from my childhood. Except that I know this is the second time I've dreamed of Mike. I find that very interesting. In fact, the last time I dreamed of him, I was so intrigued by this, I did a little searching on the 'net... but with such a common name, it was hard to nail anything down, y'know?

Anyway, so Mike was in this dream. He and John and I were in this bedroom, and we were just hanging out, joking and stuff. It seemed to be just the 3 of us, but at the same time, I know that conversations were difficult, because we kept getting interrupted. Perhaps we were still in the same house, and the guys in the next room were coming in or something. I don't remember. I remember telling Mike that, when you're not close to someone, and you really didn't hang out with someone, then little things take on more importance in your mind, and that I remembered a time in first grade when he had asked to borrow a pencil from me, and for some reason, I had always remembered him fondly after that. (I can't guarantee that this happened in real life, but I do know that I did always like him. Picturing his face now, eager and sweet and earnest... I like him even more in retrospect. Plus, I think we made out in the previous dream I had about him [in which his sister Michelle was also present, at the Lake Theatre]... as well as this dream, but I'll get to that.) Anyway, I was telling him this, and that I always thought of him fondly, even though we weren't close, and he was grinning at me, and we were hanging out. Strangely enough, I wasn't paying much attention to John at all. Anyway, Mike and I ended up driving somewhere. We were on this highway, and stopped somewhere and started walking for some reason. We ended up at this truck stop, but we didn't stay there, and we ended up walking to this exit. I'm not sure why we got out of the car, or why we weren't going back to it, but it seemed like this walking instead of driving thing was a fairly common practice. The whole place kinda had the feel of a post-industrial almost-armageddon. Anyway, we ended up walking to this house. We made out off and on along the way. The kissing was strange. I was using tongue, and he wasn't. In fact, his mouth was closed, so I ended up tickling his lips with my tongue, but he never responded in kind. He seemed kinda distracted, in fact, or like he was just tolerating my advances. He seemed very intent on whatever journey we were making. Like he knew of dangers there that I was clueless about, and he just wanted to get me out of there. (In real life, I think he was probably much more streetwise than I was.) Anyway, like I said, we ended up at this house.

The house was owned by rich people, I knew that much. Mostly because their daughter was rich, and had some sort of rivalry with another rich girl that lived nearby. They were in the same dance class, or at least took lessons from the same instructor. There was a butler or somesuch there that was somehow associated with both families, and he was under the impression that the chick in this house was the golden child, and the other kid was the devil. Having been around the golden child for a while at this point, I wasn't so sure. Also, I apparently had previous association and knowledge of the devil girl, and got along OK with her. I think I was under the impression that they were both just girls, and lonely bitter ones at that, and just fought all the time, but in that subtle way rich girls do, which leaves each smelling like a rose. Of course, each girl's family only knew that the other girl made their daughter unhappy, so therefore she must be bad. Anyway, I know that the girl there kept being someone I knew. Sometimes it was Tracey, Fig's sister, sometimes it was my niece Jaime, other times it was someone else altogether... or I'm just remembering fuzzily, which is also possible. Anyway, there was something about us sitting in front of the computer, and something about IMs. I couldn't quite get to the keyboard or the mouse like I wanted to, so most of the time, the window I wanted to see was partially obscured by some other window I had no interest in. I was trying to get Mike to tell me his IM name, and he was trying, but there was so much going on in the background that I couldn't hear him properly, and there was so much clutter on the desktop, I couldn't add him, either, so it was frustrating.

I remember that I wanted to tell him that I remembered, in fifth or sixth grade, outside of Mr. Hoffert's room, he had apparently been in an evangelical phase, going around and telling everyone "Jesus Loves You". I remember giggling at him, and saying "I know". I mean, we went to church and all when I was young, and I was a Christian at that age, but even then, evangelist types were just weird. I wanted him to know that I hadn't meant to hurt his feelings, or scorn him. But I never got a chance to.

At some point in the dream, Christopher (Fig's brother, that I mentioned in a previous post) was there, and I had to practically tackle him to get him to come to me. I took his face in my hands to gaze into his eyes, wanting to see what basic training had done to him. He still looked himself. He was a little apprehensive, I think, but his eyes were still soft, but with a quality of strength in them I hadn't seen before. His face was similar. Sharp lines where there had once been soft curves, but his hair didn't have a military cut, and was soft and just long enough to be wavy. I was satisfied with this, but sad about the distance between us, regretting I hadn't been there to see him grow up more than I did. (I actually did watch him grow up... I remember him as a babe in arms, and he was about 14 or 15 when I moved... but after that are those critical years, y'know?)

Anyway, that's pretty much all I remember. The themes of the dream seem to be that the people I wanted to be close to were distracted, perhaps even annoyed, by me. Not sure what that's about. Maybe I feel that way. Not sure, and not in the mood to sit and think about it, 'cause I need to go to the bank. My birthday cards have arrived. :)

Well, maybe not a sweet dream, per se... but definitely unusual in the way it panned out, and with a happy ending...

I was in, it would seem, a movie. Except that it was real. But, at the same time, there were movie-like elements in it. Robert Redford as the male protagonist, for example. And he was riding a way-tricked-out red motorcyle, so over the top (but classy) in its bling that it had to be the kind that movie makers come up with, and everyone who's the least bit interested in motorcycles drools for months before they start marketing overpriced versions of it on eBay and whatnot. There was a couple of times in the dream where I took note of something, and knew it was there as an advertisement, or placed there specifically to make some sort of symbolic point. (I don't recall exactly what it was, nor did I get the impression that the symbolism was meant for me. Weird, since it was my dream...)

But, be that as it may...

Parts of the dream I don't remember as well. However, since I had the dream after going back to bed, and woke up once since then, and went back to sleep, and just had a long talk with the husbands, it's rather surprising I remember it as much as I do.

Sometime near the beginning of the dream, I was out in this scrub-brush type area, near a lake. I've never been to Wyoming or that area of the western US, but that was the general impression I got as to where I was. There were this little dog-like puppies there - green fur with black spots. There was green-furred adults nearby, looking at me somewhat warily as I played with the puppies, but obviously not considering me enough of a threat to give me more than a passing glance. I knew, because of their markings, that these puppies were a hybrid of the wild green dogs that I could see, and domesticated dogs. For some reason, I knew that if people knew about them, they'd be in danger. Local farmers finding them a threat in the same way the wild/domestic hybrids near Safe Harbor are a threat, because they're just wild enough to be dangerous, and just domestic enough to be unafraid of humans. I didn't have that thought process at the time... I just knew they were in danger because they were hybrids.

After I was done playing with them, I went back into town. There was something going on there. A festival, or a circus in town, maybe. I was the female protagonist in the dream/film, but I didn't really interact with Redford, nor he with me. However, he obviously knew about me, and the puppies, and was on my side with the idea of trying to keep them safe. In the meantime, there was something going on in the town. Some some of subplot where there was corruption in the town, or something fishy with the carnie types that involved the local government/law enforcement... not really sure what. I know there was a kitchen involved at some point, or just that one of the scenes was set in a kitchen. There was a time where there were a couple of people who were crawling underneath something to find some paperwork, which was in what looked like a FedEx envelope. (This was the thing I mentioned earlier that I felt was placed in just that fashion to make some sort of symbolic point that eluded me.) Anyway, some of the bad guys in the town had found out about the puppies. Apparently, they either hadn't figured out about me, or just couldn't find me. Robert Redford led them away from the town in his shiny red motorcyle, and they followed him on their much less cool bikes, in a not-particularly-action-filled-but-suspenseful-nonetheless chase scene which took place over highways and over countryside. I could see most of this happening, and my attention seemed to be focused there, even though I wasn't anywhere near it. In fact, I was concentrating so much on this scene, which I could see clearly from a more-than-impossible distance that I was surprised when I took note of my own surroundings, to find that I was just at the edge of the lake where the puppies had been before. It was quite a ways out of the town, and I knew there was no one close by, and certainly no one dangerous close by. So, I swam across the lake. I got to a cave/den area where the puppies were, except they were cats now (of, I think, normal cat colors). I had some sort of cloth that I was rubbing them with. I knew they were wild, and that I couldn't push the issue of rubbing them down, and felt lucky they were letting me do that much. But somehow, rubbing them down was going to keep them safe. I'm not sure if it was going to keep them safe from the townspeople, or if keeping them clean would just clean them healthy so they could survive better, or just what. There was one that had a lot of gunk in his (her?) eye, and I gently rubbed some of it out, but I couldn't get it all without being more aggressive, which I knew it wouldn't tolerate, so I just let it be.

This actually where the dream ended. I was just in the den, wiping down the animals, feeling very at peace, knowing this was my destiny or something like that. I knew there were unresolved subplots. I didn't know what was going on with the corruption of the town, I didn't know what had happened with Redford's motorcyle chase. But I somehow knew that none of that mattered, that all that mattered was this moment, doing what I was doing, and that everything else would take care of itself with no help from me, and that all was safe and good.

I find it unusual that I woke up at this point. I mean, how often do dreams just end, and be done with it? In my experience, I've always woken up before the end, usually at an inopportune moment, wondering what the fuck that was all about, and what was going to happen next. That's another thing that made this dream feel like a movie. I got to see it from beginning to end, no interruptions, no cutoffs. I wouldn't have been surprised if credits had started rolling, or I found myself at a cast party. And just the sense of peace, calm, and contentment... that everything was all right, and nothing else needed to be done, even though there was so many loose threads, that a real movie probably wouldn't have left hanging.

I dunno. It just seems weird. Good, but weird...

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Alice in Chains - Unplugged

Just FYI, I've been in Core classes for the past several days, and have had a lot going on in my head, and out of it. There've been a lot of breakthroughs there, and even more when I've come home, between and among all of us. It's been trying, and terrifying, but GOOD.

Anyway, the dream...

I was on a school bus, with a bunch of other people. All adults, so it was like a tour bus or something.

blckwngdorcl was there, but he wasn't sitting next to me. I don't think I knew anyone else there. Sometime during the ride, I ended up talking to my sister on the phone. Not sure who called who. (Note: This is rare in real life.) Anyway, in the middle of the conversation, the bus ends up in some sort of crash. I wasn't really hurt, although it was bad. There were several buses in our group, and it was some sort of mass accident, except we were in the middle of a field or something - no roads. The bus I was on was broken in half, with the back half hanging by a thread to the front half, and the front half was grill to the ground, perpendicular. I was in the front half, on the left, and was able to crawl out pretty quickly. After I got out and brushed myself off, I noticed that I'd gotten a text message while I was talking to Naia. I looked at it, and it was from

blckwngdorcl, and he was saying that he had gotten a vision of something terrible happening. I looked around for him amongst all the people. Strangely enough, I wasn't really interested in anyone else. I don't get the impression that anyone was badly hurt, but then again, it seemed like there were some. At any rate, I paid little to no attention to anyone else there, had no interest in stopping and helping, etc.. I was interested in finding

blckwngdorcl, though, and eventually did. He wasn't hurt either, and I spent some time walking with him, discussing how fucking cool it was that he had this premonition and texted me about it, JUST before the bus crashed.

Anyway, from there we ended up at

tc_borderpagans, which was perhaps the original destination. Except that it wasn't at Borders, but this big convention-hall-looking place, kinda posh. People were milling around, and I saw a few people I knew from a distance, although

bulwerk was the only one I got close enough to hug. I was looking around for

blckwngdorcl, 'cause I'd somehow lost him again, and saw him sitting at a table, so I headed over there. On the way there, I saw Fig sitting at a table very close to

blckwngdorcl, who, for some reason, I figured would have recognized him if he'd been looking in that direction. I moved over to sit by

blckwngdorcl, and somewhere in there, the tables changed to something that was a cross between bleachers and pews. A band was playing, heavy-techo-alternative mix, but no one I could recognize, nor any songs I recognized - I'm not even sure they were pagan-y. Anyway, I could see Fig better from that angle, although he couldn't see me. His hair was different. Straight and thick, poorly cut anywhere from his ears to his shoulders, with an equally haphazard color job that included everything from black to copper and several shades in between, all of which was partially covered by his hat. I pointed him out to

blckwngdorcl, not sure what he'd do, or how he'd take Fig being there. I was rather confused about it myself, since Fig was never pagan (although we shared many views), and was in the process of converting to Catholicism (for Jessica) when I left. Anyway, now that we were close, and he had that weird hair goin' on, I wasn't really sure if it was him. So I watched a bit. Later, he drew out this very feminine pink phone. I got the impression it didn't belong to him, and it had been specially given to him so he could call one specific person. Jessica, of course. (Although, in real life, she hates pink.) I still wasn't sure, so I watched him, to see the number he dialed. I watched him clumsily dial a 770 number, which confirmed that he was calling her. (At least it seemed to in the dream. I was looking to see if he called Illinois, which would have been 815 where we lived... but somehow 770 confirmed it in my dream.) Sometime after this,

blckwngdorcl left. I don't recall us talking about it, but I did get the sense that he was sorry, but he just couldn't sit that close to Fig, knowing how much my relationship with Fig had hurt me in the end, and how much negative affect it had had on our marriage. It was move or start a fight, I think. I was sad, but I understood, and in a way, respected him for it. Sometime after that, Fig turned around and our eyes locked. It was weird. Recognition followed by blankness, but not in that I'm-pretending-I-don't-know-you kinda way. Just like someone had wiped his mind away for a moment, but periodically, he would look at me again, like I was interesting for some reason he couldn't quite put his finger on, like he was trying to grasp on to a memory of me. I didn't wake up immediately after that, but that was basically it.

Current Mood: content

So, in last night's dream, I was back and forth between the house and work. Except that wherever I worked had a TV that we watched, and I didn't really remember being at work, only that, when I saw the same show at home, I remembered I'd also seen it at work.

I remember waking up, and going out into the living room.

lunenoire had cleaned the place up a bit, and rearranged the furniture. I was both grateful, since it looked so much better, and annoyed, 'cause I would have done it differently. I didn't say anything about the annoyed part, though, 'cause it was obviously still a work in progress, and I could just change it if I wanted to. There was a lot more furniture than we actually have. The couch was set up, and there was a chaise lounge-like thing, and a deep blue velvet chair, like would be in a parlor. There was another couch, sitting in front of the fireplace, but facing the wrong direction. I didn't like that it was facing away from the fireplace, but noted that it faced the TV in the next room, so I figured that was its current functionality. Anyway, I think the general consensus was that we were gonna watch TV, and I noticed the show that was on was this one that I'd seen at work, bits and pieces, but never a full show. The gist of it was that ordinary people suddenly, and for some unknown reason, saw through the illusions of the world. Kinda like What the Bleep meets The Matrix. Definitely a sinister feel to it. For some reason, I remember clearly that the first guy it happened to wore red.

Anyway, the part of the dream that's troubling me is that, somehow,

blckwngdorcl and I got in a fight. He did something that pissed me off, but the real reason I was mad at him was that he hadn't had sex with me in a while. I remember he said or did something that (I think) was unrelated to sex, and it pissed me off, and I went out of my way to get up and slap him. This was followed by the two of us tousling on the floor for a while. Both of us had stuff in our hands... papers, or something. I kept hitting him, he kept hitting me, but it seemed half-hearted in both our cases. I don't know what it was on his end. On my end, I was angry, and wanting to hit him, but at the same time, I was feeling my usual oh-why-bother in response to the anger, while at the same time, rolling around on the floor with him was arousing me, and I found just as often as not, I'd rather be kissing him, but then the fear of rejection rose up, so I ended up just hitting him again, but in that weak girly way where they're beating on someone's chest ineffectually, being angry, when all they want (and end up doing) is to break into tears and sob. I don't think I got to that point in the dream. I think I woke up in the middle of the tousle and mixed emotions.

Of course, the reality of the situation is that I *am* going through that right now. So the dream was pretty true-to-life, as far as my emotions go.

blckwngdorcl is still sleeping, and not responsive (or negatively responsive) to gentle attempts to wake him. (Correction... he appears to be awake now... I *have* been sitting here typing this and chatting with a much-welcome and much-missed friend while writing this.) I'm feeling unloved and unwanted, which I think it what I was feeling yesterday morning, which paradoxically backlashed into not wanting to be touched for a while. When probably, that was what I wanted the most. *sigh*

I have no resolution for this. Typically, there's only one cure for this. *shrug* I am hoping my current conversation helps, though.

Current Mood: depressed

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Book of Mirrors

January 2017

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Page generated Jun. 10th, 2025 08:39 am

Book of Mirrors

Drops of Silver, Shards of Glass

Entries tagged with dream

And One Thing Led to Another...

Sharing a Memory

Dream

Dream

Weirdest Dream Ever

Dream

Dream

Dream

Dream

Dream

Dream

Interesting...

Dream

A Normal Dream for a Change

OK, This is Getting Fucked UP

Dreams and Awakenings

Dream

Sweet Dreams are Made of This...

Dream

Dreams and Reality

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January 2017

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