bookofmirrors | Jul. 20th, 2004

Well, can't sleep. I think my body is rebelling from when I was sick on Sunday, and did little else but sleep. In between hysterical crying fits for no good reason and feeling nauseous. But, other than this annoyingly persistent headache, I feel pretty good today... er, yesterday, and so far today.

Because I was trying to take it easy today (er, yesterday), I did a lot of maintenance work on my computer. Installed ALL the Windows and Office updates/service packs, ran AdAware, ran the disk cleanup... and then I defragged my hard drive.

Ahem. I KNOW better than to let it go as long as I have... Let's just say Windows actually *recommended* I defrag it. It took twice to get it looking like it should. Bad K'La.

On the upside, my computer seems to be running much more smoothly. (Go figure.) Getting a new one/upgrade is suddenly looming higher and higher on my list, though...

blckwngdorcl obliged me by watching The Prince of Tides, something I'd been wanting him to see for a long time. Comcast had it on InDemand. I figured it was a sign. ;) We watched some pretty fascinating shows on the National Geographic channel on The Da Vinci Code, the shroud of Turin, and ...ummmm... something else. But it was interesting, honest! :)

Oh... In Search of Easter... that was the other one. :)

Anyway... small tangent, while I'm thinking of it... I've been inconsistent lately with my use of god/gods/goddess/goddesses vs. God/Gods/Goddess/Goddesses. Mostly, it's been at my whim, defying grammar rules more as a show of defiance than anything, even though I think I justified it by telling myself I was trying to make a distinction from the Christian God which most people refer to with a capital G, vs. the pagan gods which many people don't.

I've decided this is silly. For one thing, it implies that one is greater than the other. Whether I'm capitalizing God to mean the Christian one, which implies the pagan gods are lesser, or whether I'm capitalizing any of the pagan Gods to make a point, it snubs one or the other. Now, granted, I'm not saying G/god can be snubbed. I really doubt G/god gives a fuck. If you're all-powerful, you don't need to defend yourself. And if you're not, then there ain't much you can do about it, is there, sugarpie? *saccharine-sweet smile*

The main reason, though, is that it's incongruous with my own beliefs. If I believe in my own divinity (Divinity, if you prefer), and I capitalize my own name (and I do, and God help you if you forget to capitalize the "L" in K'La!!!), and I believe in the divinity of others, and capitalize their names, then it only stands to reason I should capitalize God/Gods/Goddess/Goddesses every time I use it, too. Anything else would seem hypocritical to me. This is probably no more grammatically correct than what I was doing, but it makes sense to me.

So, that's the plan. If you catch me not doing it, feel free to call me on it. It might take some time to get into the habit of it.

Watching the movie with

blckwngdorcl wasn't as spectacular as I thought it would be. I've watched movies with him before that struck a nerve in him, and we've had some fabulous growing/healing experiences as a result. I thought this one might do the same, but it didn't. Granted, he had almost nothing in common with the main character, as far as background went, but for other, common human conditions, I certainly thought it was a really good movie, and might spark some insights between us.

It didn't, really.

Or, should I say, that it did, but not in him, and not in any way that was really connected to the movie. It made me notice something.

I can't remember when the last time

blckwngdorcl cried. I'm not counting the times that the music moves him so much that it brings tears to his eyes. I'm talking gut-wrenching, soul-baring tears.

I can't remember the last time I cried. I'm not talking tears coming into my eyes when I notice for the millionth time how beautiful my husband is, both inside and out, and how happy I am to be with him; nor am I talking about the hysterical crying I was doing while I was sick. I'm talking let-it-all-out release, tears with intensity behind them.

The kind of tears that you really have to lose yourself to be able to shed, and the kind that, when you're done, you realize you've found more than you ever believed possible. The kind you fight against, and realize that, when you lose that fight, you've won more than you knew was on the table to begin with.

This troubles me. Yeah, I could take the easy road out, and say our lives are peachy-keen in all ways right now, so we have no need for tears. But, for one, that's bullshit. Everyone has problems. But for another, we both certainly have histories worth shedding tears over. And we were doing that (him, mostly... he was so good at it... I was so proud of him... I fought it so much harder...) when we were in therapy. I *miss* therapy. I know I have to have 2 sessions of individual therapy per month when I start the Core training, but that's not until September. Still trying to figure out how to afford that, but come hell or high water, that's what I'm going to do. Ditto for the money for therapy. For both of us. It helped. A *lot*.

Send energy that we find the means for this. I don't care what form that takes. Whether it be a new job, lottery, long-lost rich uncle... or a new way of thinking or perceiving things that allows us to find those things on our own (and believe me, that's been a huge topic of discussion lately)... whatever works, we'll take it. And if you don't want to, that's cool, too. No guilt trips. And I'd rather you not comment one way or the other whether you did or not. The Universe will give us what we need, and it doesn't matter the form it comes in, or who it comes from, or doesn't. It's not a popularity contest, or a gimme-warm-fuzzies thing. I'm just sayin'.

In the meantime, my headache is getting steadily worse, and I don't feel much tireder. (Bad grammar is OK, if it's on sleep dep...)

Which brings me to another tangent... I have a saying I picked up from Fig. "Much more gooder". It's so grossly grammatically incorrect that I can't imagine anyone thinking that anyone would use it WITHOUT knowing how grossly incorrect it is. (Fig knew it, too.) That's the POINT. I've had entirely too many people look at me after I say it, and repeat it back to me, with a long akin to, "Isn't there something you'd like to tell me?" Please. Anyone who's talked to me any length of time should be able to figure out that I know that "much more gooder" isn't kosher with whatever body governs the English language.

I don't give a fuck, thank you very much. It's supposed to be FUNNY.

eloreen and I had a talk somewhat similar to this. We're both of the same opinion. We know how to use the English language properly. Therefore, we feel we should be able to discard those rules when we feel like it. Now, granted, I'm not going to turn in a paper for an employer, or a resume, or anything OFFICIAL, with poor grammar. But I think I colloquialize it a lot in my common speech and my LJ. And I'm good with that. (And colloquialize, if it's even a word, probably isn't an accurate term... perhaps more like bastardize...) Anyway, that's the way I prefer it.

walkingbear once lamented in an IM that I write like I talk. I'm actually pleased with that, and that's what I strive for. What you see is what you get. I was part of the AOL community for a long time, and really got annoyed at people who were obviously trying to be something they weren't. I was very proud of myself that I made a conscious effort to never be fake about it.

*blink*

I go off on weird tangents when I can't sleep... And I still have that fucking headache...