Lotsa Catching Up To Do

OK, I'm finally caught up on email, webcomics, and LiveJournal, and can do some posting of my own.

Lots of stuff has gone on lately, and I'll probably separate stuff into several posts for the sake of keeping the subject matter less garbled. This being the first post in a long time, I'll stick with general stuff.

Well, as I said, blckwngdorcl and I went to my parents' last week to go to my sister Naia's wedding. She'd been living with Bill for about 10+ years, and I'm not quite sure what prompted them to tie the knot after all this time. No, she's not pregnant. At 49, I'm not sure she can be... Anyway, it was a very small, very simple ceremony, outdoors, at this little resort place on one of the lakes (Warsaw, Indiana isn't known as the "Lake City" for nothing), with the reception afterwards at one of the smaller country clubs (on yet another lake). Bill, bless his heart, alternately laughed and cried during the ceremony, which, Naia said, enabled her to be calm. Hopefully, my niece will scan some of the pics and send 'em to me so I can post 'em here. She takes VERY good pictures, it turns out, including one of blckwngdorcl and I, in which we both look kinda somber, but it's that classic pose of the guy in the high-backed chair, with the chick behind him. I already said I wanted a copy. :)

Naia has gotten a lot better over the years, at least towards me. She has a history of being a major bitch, though, and apparently this still happens, although I'm not around to see it. So, part of me feels sorry for Bill, and part of me thinks that they've been together this long, so he must be able to put up with it. I was also reminded a bit of the scene in The Color Purple, where Oprah (Sofia) gets married, and is all the sudden surrounded by all her female friends, due to her new elevated status as a married woman, and her husband is shuffled off to the side, inconsequential now that he's said his vows and enabled her to join what appears to be an elite club. I mean, it wasn't THAT bad, of course, but there were some elements of that.

And, once again, I'm reminded what a different world I live in compared to the rest of my immediate family. I was raised (mostly) in the world of entertaining well-off guests, and traipsing out to country clubs and being well-known and respected in the community, no small thanks due my father for that. But the life I have chosen for myself is just about the polar opposite of that. That would be the "bucking the system", or at least part of it, that keiracaitlyn has commented on in my PDH session. (Another insight has just come to me, related to that, but I'll get to it later.)

My mother noticed this time around, and said that I didn't seem as comfortable there as before. I told her that it was completely different there, and that the energy in Indiana was almost nonexistent compared to what it is in Georgia, and when you're used to being surrounded by that energy all the time, even when you're not consciously aware of it, being suddenly without it was disconcerting. I said that the last time I visited, blckwngdorcl hadn't been with me, so it was easier to immerse myself in everything, but with him there, it was like a constant reminder of how things usually are for me, so it was harder for me to force myself to forget how things are in Georgia. Also, he feels it just as strongly as I do, and we feed off each other that way, which results in both of us feeling uncomfortable.

Now, don't get me wrong. My parents are wonderful people. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have half the shit I have now. Between my father's influence and money, not to mention his generous nature and love for me, I have a college education that was fully paid for, and I lived down here for 2+ years without being able to keep a steady job, during which he pretty much completely funded my $40K/year lifestyle. Everyone who meets my mother absolutely adores her, and I'm sure I learned much of my charm from her. I have other issues with them, to be sure, but let it be said I certainly wasn't beaten or neglected, and that my parents issues stemmed from having parents with alcoholism, and, in my mother's case, from having a father who was abusive to her mother and neglectful - until my grandmother left him and married a much better man.

But, that all being said, I still have issues with them. blckwngdorcl and I actually got a chance to go to Illinois so I could visit friends there (more on that later, probably a separate post), and we had a long talk on the way there, including my mother (and later my father) mentioning the thing about me seeming more uncomfortable. In fact, the morning my dad mentioned it, and I told him the same thing I told my mom (both things probably lost on them, 'cause they can't, consciously at least, feel energy), there was this white dove with banded legs in the yard, so he and I were out there trying to lure it closer and such. Didn't work, but I digress. Sort of. Anyway, afterwards, I was sitting with him out by the pool, and kinda relaxing and closing my eyes, and trying very hard to connect with myself, the earth there, anything. I could feel how disconnected I was, and tried to focus just on connecting with myself, being in my body, and as I did so, I realized how ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TERRIFIED I was. I could feel the sensation, was fully in it, could feel my heart racing and my chest tightening, and all the physiological responses to terror, and could recognize it as such. And still, I couldn't really feel the emotion itself. Which is kinda fucked up. But, I'm sure that was partially a safety thing. My dad was sitting right there, and although I feel safer with him than with my mom a lot of the time, the self-taught skill of never letting either of them know when I'm vulnerable was no doubt kicking in.

So, blckwngdorcl and I were talking about this on the way to Illinois. And, I came to the conclusion (and he agreed) that, however different the energy in the Midwest may be, it is most definitely a present thing (I can feel it when I'm away from my parents, and concentrate), and that what's more likely happening is that I'm so absolutely detached from myself while I'm there that I can't feel it. When he's gone, I can immerse myself in the role they expect of me (for the most part... I still enjoy shocking them with various things), but when he's there, it's a constant reminder of who I am when I'm not around them. So, it's harder for me to slip into that role, and I still won't go back into myself, 'cause I don't want to experience that terror, admit to it. So, I end up in limbo. No wonder I was more uncomfortable, and no wonder it showed. I'm hoping to explore this in therapy... I'm kinda wussing out doing it by myself, although, of course, that's what it's going to take in the end, and I know this.

Strangely enough, after the Illinois visit, I felt much better, and was able to be happy and comfortable the rest of the time I was there. Granted, that was probably more being able to immerse myself in the role again for whatever reason, rather than actual dealing with the terror, but it made the last part of the visit much less stressful.

I think I'm gonna end this one here, and go on to the next thing.

Money Stuff

So, as I was writing the last entry, I was thinking about how I work rather hard to be the antithesis (for the most part) of my parents. I have given up speaking with proper grammar, even though I know how to use it (this is probably less obvious here, since I tend to use more proper grammar when I write), I forego many social niceties when dealing with people, although I can be as genteel as the best of 'em, and I disdain things like make-up, fashion, and general socialite activities. And I know a good bit about all that stuff, too.

But, I simply refuse to do it, so much so that it's sometimes a strain to remember how, much less do it to begin with. I can. It's a cloak I can don when it suits me, and it's a nice "weapon" in my arsenal. But I dislike using it. Not because it is a weapon (well, not always), but because it's something I've both consciously and unconsciously discarded.

Which is silly, really. There's nothing wrong with speaking properly, acting politely, dressing fashionably, wearing makeup, what have you. In fact, in shunning those things, I may have lost out on certain things. Granted, part of doing all that was a survival technique. The friends I chose to surround myself with were definitely not the same social class I was raised in, and I had to learn a whole new set of skills to fit in with them. But, that's kinda beside the point. I also, now that I think of it, denied a lot of my own femininity by trying to be not like my mother. I remember earlier this year when we moved from our apartment to this house (from The Dreaming to Harmony, as simplysakka would say), and I had to clear out my closets, 'cause we were losing a lot of closet space. So, I got rid of everything that didn't fit me, anything I felt uncomfortable in, anything that just didn't really match my own inner style. And, in discovering what my own inner style was, I was somewhat appalled to find that it was a decidedly feminine style. The flowier, the softer, the more sensual, the better. Quite a shock for a self-professed tomboy.

So, you can see how I've been cutting off my nose to spite my face here.

Which leads me to the original topic this post was supposed to discuss.

Money.

My parents have lots of it. I don't. I make $40K/year, which should certainly be enough to afford shit, even in Atlanta. But, I make poor choices, I spend my money on transient shit, and don't always pay my bills on time, or before I do fun things with the money. This is actually a change from Illinois, where I was very conscientious about things like that. I was still broke all the time, but no one was threatening to repossess my car, for instance. Anyway, I constantly undermine myself regarding money. And yes, I'm sure there are all sorts of issues under there, about how I don't feel I deserve to have money, be prosperous, how I perpetuate a dependant relationship with my father, blahblahblah. But think about it. I mean, I go out of my way to NOT live my parents' lifestyle in all other things - why not this way, too? It certainly makes a lot of sense. Hell, I think I'm trying to get back at them by being this way, and that's some of the passive-aggressive bullshit I've been trying to weed out of my life.

*sigh* I hate it when shit all goes back to bad habit I thought I'd already broken.

So, I now have a new (facet of a) bad habit to break.

Joy.

Storms

Several weeks ago, I was talking online to logomancer, and shortly thereafter to jupitercornwall about blckwngdorcl's decision to leave work and pursue his dream of writing music/poems/lyrics. As I've said before, I was wholeheartedly in support of this, and was happy to be able to (barely, if that, it turns out) make enough money to support the two of us while he did this. When he first made this decision, I made it clear that I would kill him if he spent all his time on the computer, playing games, rather than doing what he said he was going to do.

When he first started out, he realized that nothing was really coming to him, so I suggested that he try to connect more with himself, with Deity, and whatnot. He agreed that was a good idea, and that he had felt very disconnected lately, and decided to pursue that. He did this about twice a week, maybe for an hour or so each time. (Correct me if I'm wrong, hon.) In the meantime, he and I agreed that his online computer gaming time would be limited to when I worked. (This included the Friday IRL games with wyzard_vyrnahnn, acid0philus, and mistressrain.) Granted, this was 40/week in gaming, but I figured that since it was concentrated, he could gorge himself on it over a weekend, and have the whole week to work on himself, his music, or whatever.

Given the time spent I mentioned above, this wasn't happening in practice.

So, I'm lamenting about this online to them. I won't really go into what was said. but it made me do a lot of thinking.

This resulted in me taking a long bath, trying to meditate, connect, what have you. I had very little luck with this, and kept getting this strong sense that action over thought was what was really needed here.

So, with much reluctance, I asked him to go out to the car with me. As an aside, I love my housemates dearly, but I still shy away from crying a lot in front of anyone but my therapist and my husband, and I suspected it was going to be one of those times, and I didn't want any fear of mine to minimize what I would let myself feel, or how I would let myself react to it.

The conversation in the car was longer than it needed to be, I think. I also think it was rambling and incoherent. I don't remember really what was said. I remember saying things out loud that were really internal dialogue, and I certainly give blckwngdorcl credit for making sense out of it. Or, maybe he didn't, and was just respecting my request to not say anything till I was done talking. Anyway. I couldn't believe how fucking hard it was. bulwerk's rants aside, I truly do believe that each person has the right to follow their own path, regardless of how I feel about it. When that path encroaches on mine, however, it becomes a gray area, and one to which I have consistently capitulated to whenever the issue has come up, with anyone. So, I spent a great deal of the "conversation" sobbing hysterically, voicing aloud the internal dialogue about how hard it was to do this, and how I felt bad about it, and how, goddammit, it shouldn't matter to me if it would hurt him or not, 'cause I needed to do it for ME, and that the results of it didn't matter so much as the fact that I actually did it, and on and on and on, until I finally just DID it.

I laid down the ultimatim. Get a job. Go to school. Immerse yourself in your music, for real this time. Pick one, and do it. But no more bullshit. And frankly, now that we're talking about it, I can't do the financial stuff on my own, so you NEED to get a job.

Whew. That's almost as scary now as it was then.

To be honest, I don't really remember what he said. I remember he took it well, had seen it coming. I gave him till Tuesday (it was a Wednesday, I think) to decide what he was going to do about it.

But standing up for myself, not allowing myself to be used, no matter how much I supported the cause was just about the hardest thing I've ever done, if not THE hardest.

And now that's it's past, and decisions have been made, I keep expecting there to be this bolt of lightning from the blue - some little spark in myself that's been unleashed now that I've taken this step, something that makes me see the world from a different perspective. SOMETHING.

And yet, there isn't.

And I'm kinda pissed by that. I mean, what was the fucking point, then? And, on the other hand, I have to believe (lest I go crazy) that it WAS for a purpose, and it DID have a lasting impact, and that things WILL go better in general, and that it wasn't all for nothing. Certainly, I think, there are some changes in blckwngdorcl's life, but goddammit, this wasn't for him. Nor was it for logomancer or jupitercornwall, although I sent both ecards after the fact for the role they played. (By the way... I'm not sure I've ever done that with profundis, who has been a pretty constant source of support, ass-kicking, and shoulder for a long time now. If I haven't sent you a card, hon, I owe you several.) But... well... I guess I just thought more would come of it. So, I'm disappointed by that, but trying to remain hopeful for things to go on an upward curve, and I'm aware that I need to KEEP doing that work to make it happen.

There are a lot of things that happened the next day regarding blckwngdorcl, but that's his story to tell, if he chooses to do so. I realize now that my part in this story really ends here.

As a Side Note...

My metasympology card for today, compliments of keiracaitlyn:

The Nine of Spades can be a card of loss and disappointment. However, the true nature of the card reveals that its presence in your life for any period of time does not have to be a disaster. In actuality, the Nine of Spades represents making a completion of some importance. Whether this is the end of a certain occupation, way of life, or way of being with your health and body will depend upon the position of the card and the circumstances in your life at the time. But rest assured that some important aspect of your life is coming to an end when this potent card shows up.

This is also one of the death cards and indeed, when this card shows up there will be a death in your life of some kind. We go through many mini-deaths in the course of our lifetime and just like the snake shedding its skin, arrive at a new and better place each time we do so. Therefore the Nine of Spades is not a card to be feared but instead a card to be welcomed. It always has the ability to clear away all the unwanted and useless debris in our life and put us back on a new course where we are much more enlivened and satisfied.

And the astrology overview, also from keiracaitlyn:

Moon in watery Scorpio emphasizes the realm of feelings. As the Moon moves through Scorpio now, it forms harmonious aspects with the Sun, Saturn, Venus and Chiron, adding easy background energy to the day. On the forefront, Venus, the planet of love, forms a comfortable trine with Chiron, the Wounded Healer. Since Chiron symbolizes life’s pains that cannot be cured, this beautiful trine to Venus gives us an opportunity to salve our emotional aches in the soothing grace of love and sensuality. Leave your worries behind. Enjoy what you can.

It figures.

Polyamory a la K'La

So, blckwngdorcl and I finally took the plunge. Well, we've kinda taken it before, but in actual practice that panned out into one brief (but enjoyable) encounter. After that, we had come up with other issues, and wanted very much to make sure that if we fucked other people, it was for FUN, and not because we were running from any of our own issues. At that point in our relationship, there was some danger in that, and I'd seen other people who seemed to use polyamory for that purpose, and we agreed that we didn't want that to be us.

so, we spent a long time working on ourselves and our own issues, and came to the conclusion that we were ready to take that plunge again, in the right (for us) headspace a few months ago. But it wasn't until recently that it actually panned out into an encounter for either of us. In fact, not too terribly long ago, blckwngdorcl said he felt he was monogamous for now, but had no inclination that I needed to be the same way.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I took the plunge with kapua23. He was visiting with his wife lil_red_witch and her lover sirstee and his wife delenn99. I won't get into all the tangled webs of relationships involved when you mix the four of them with the five of us. :) Anyway, all concerned parties were good with the idea, and so kapua23 and I pretty much got a day to ourselves to explore each other. It started out with a shower here, which was great, but it's hard to keep your balance in a wet shower, and I was kinda fearful of that in the back of my mind the whole time. That didn't prevent either of us from enjoying it, though. :) After that, we went out for breakfast with everyone, and then went to Insurrection to get some goodies. Unfortunately, my favorite branch of it had pretty much gotten rid of their entire leather section. We ended up driving to Midtown to try to find the other branch that they said still had leather stuff. We thought we never really found it,'cause the only shop we found in the general area we were directed to was a store called Heaven, which had some great furniture (big black X with all the appropriate clips... mmmmmm.....) but not so much in the way of leather, and godawful overpriced. Later, when talking to blckwngdorcl about it, he said that WAS Insurrection, and that the orginal guy who started Insurrection made enough money to give his original managers each their own stores, and Heaven was one of those. Who knew?

Anyway, we went back to his hotel room, and had a wonderful time. It had been a long time since I'd been spanked by anyone who was enthusiastic about it, and I enjoyed myself thoroughly. We were both going pretty easy on each other, it being the first time and all. We were feeling each other out (no pun intended) and getting used to each others' reactions and such. It was very cool, though. I don't remember many details, if any, 'cause I hit that point where I kinda lost my head... not completely, but enough to make the memory fuzzy. I mainly remember it was good. :)

So, I got home, somewhat nervous that blckwngdorcl had changed his mind while we were gone, regretted the whole thing, etc.. But he was cool with it. Gods, I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world. He said I came home with 10 fingers and 10 toes, and seemed to have had a good time, and he was happy for me. And I could see that he genuinely was, and that meant, and means, the world to me. lil_red_witch was equally cool about it, and I thanked her for sharing her husband with me. All in all, a very good thing which we have plans to repeat when I go to Florida in October to see The Pet Psychic, and spend the night in the hotel that kapua23 works at. Ought to be fun, since I think we're both going to discard the kid gloves. Scaryexciting. :)

I will say that one thing bothered me about the time we spent together. I've kinda discussed in past posts that my version of polyamory is more polysexuality than anything else. I really don't want a romantic relationship with anyone but my husband. That's not to say that I'm just looking for a stable. I'm friends with kapua23, and I'm friends with the other people I've had sex with, and plan to have sex with. But I don't feel a romantic attachment to any of them, and I don't want to. I feel like I'm cheating on blckwngdorcl if I were to do that. So, there were a couple of times while we were together that kapua23 looked at me with some intense passion and emotion, and it wigged me out a little. I was able to let it flow over in the heat of the moment, but I remembered it afterwards, and I want to work on that so that it's not a problem with him, or any other lovers I may take in the future. Or with my husband, for that matter. I talked with blckwngdorcl about it, and he didn't feel at all that it was cheating for me to become romantically involved with my lovers. In fact, his version of polyamory includes the romance, and that doesn't bother me a bit, 'cause I feel secure in my relationship with him. So, as we talked, I was kinda surprised to realize (and I confirmed this with him) that, in his mind, I was already romantically involved, 'cause from his point of view, that's the way polyamory worked. So, in his mind, there was already a romantic relationship there. And, note above-stated reaction, he was already good with that. So that was kind of a weird realization for me.

I also talked to kapua23 about it. He, of course, didn't wanna wig me out, and he doesn't feel a romantic connection with me any more than I do with him, but we both agree we are good friends who share a passion. He was pretty cool about the whole thing, and said he basically knew that's where I was coming from to begin with. Damn empaths. ;)

So, it would seem that no one has a problem with this brand of fear of intimacy but me. And, of course, that's all that matters. Because it IS fear-based, which pretty much equates "bad" to me. So, that's something I'm going to be exploring and trying to get over in my poly-amorous/sexual pursuits.

All in all, I think this is a good thing for me, and therefore for all my relationships. I thank the gods that I have such an awesome husband, and such a great lover, and that they're willing to go to these places with me. And anyone who's reading this that I've discussed going there with you... well, that's what you're in for, too, but I don't think that's a bad thing. The invitations are still open. ;)

More Storms

So, I got in a fight of sorts with logomancer last week, just before DragonCon. Basically, I told him that his recent "discussions" with blckwngdorcl had triggered some stuff in me, and that I felt he'd manipulated me in the past based on his own fear issues, then tried to cover it up later by ascribing it all to some Higer Self motive of helping me grow. The conversation didn't go particularly well, and I'm not sure what was accomplished. On one hand, I could say it was like my sob-laden conversation in the car with blckwngdorcl, where his reaction didn't matter so much as that I had the courage to say what I thought, no matter how unflattering or scary. On the other hand, I still hate the conflict that's arisen because of it. I know part of it is that I'm still angry about last year when he broke off our friendship, N and I haven't fully expressed that yet. So, to some extent, this amounts to bringing up years-old shit in an argument about something that's in the here and now. Granted, to some extent it all ties in, but doing that at all is considered to be bad form in an argument of any kind, and is pretty passive-aggressive. *sigh*

See, THIS is one of the many problems with not being able to express one's own anger. Actually, as I think I've said before, I don't even FEEL it. I can feel some physiological responses that I recognize as that, but I can almost feel my body shutting down when it gets too close to actually feeling it. It's SOOOOO frustrating. I just wanna rip it out of myself, all black and bloody, and get it the fuck OVER with. But, of course, I'm scared, too, and nothing I do seems to work. But, that doesn't mean I stop trying. Anyway, I digress. The point being that I end up in the position of just now at least starting to feel anger about issues that are old, and should have been dealt with back in the day, but I had no idea they were issues at the time, much less how I felt about them. So, it all comes out now, and I'm sure it comes out of left field. So, no wonder he thinks that I'm giving him the result of all my issues with other people and not just him. I obviously have more issues with him than I realize, but I'm only learning about them bit by bit. *sigh*

Be that as it may, the conversation itself didn't go well, and it re-reading it, I realized that I was so caught up in trying to get my own shit across, I didn't actually listen completely to what he was saying. I'm proposing trying the mirroring technique with him later, so I can really listen to him. Y'know, I learned about that technique over 10 years ago in college, and it seems ridiculously simple and kinda pointless on paper, but Pam made us try it not too long ago in therapy, and it was fucking HARD for me to do. But it was extremely useful then, and taught me a lot, and I'm hoping the same will be true again.

Question for technomom

How do you do that thing where you make a link, and instead of a link looking like http://www.livejournal.com, you make it say "LJ", and the link's behind that?

Illinois

So, as I mentioned, I got to visit Illinois while I was up at my parents. blckwngdorcl went with me, 'cause he's the coolest husband in the whole wide world. :)

We started off by calling to see if Fig's family (not Fig himself, but I'm still close to the rest of his family) could meet us for lunch in Bourbonnais. They couldn't, except for Lee, so we met him and his girlfriend at Baker's Square. (Note: Atlanta NEEDS a Baker's Square.) It was pretty cool. Lee was his usual self, but somewhat less cynical, and just as cocky. blckwngdorcl described him as a jock, and his girlfriend as a cheerleader. I don't think I convinced him that, in school, Lee was just as dorky as the rest of us, and that he's completely re-invented himself into jock-ness. And I don't think Jennifer was a cheerleader, either. In fact, a bit into the conversation, I finally realizes that Lee's Jennifer was the same Jenny that had lived a door or two down from his dad for years, and is also the same one that Lee's even younger brother has (denied having a) crush on for years. Holy shit. And, of course, she had a crush on Lee the whole time. So, damn. He says she's legal, but damn, just barely so. But, I have to agree with blckwngdorcl when he said "I'd bang that". She is pretty fucking hot. I just think it's hilarious how it all ties in like that.

I was disappointed that I didn't get to see Christopher, though (the aforementioned younger brother). I haven't seen him in years, and he was the one who called me back to say they couldn't do lunch, and I didn't even recognize his voice. I've known him since he was in a carseat, and I'm constantly amazed at how he's grown up. Talk to this kid for 5 minutes. He's truly amazing.

After lunch, I dropped blckwngdorcl at Barnes and Noble, 'cause his last visit to Fox Center, where I used to work, wigged him out. The developmentally disabled (that's retarded, for all of you who haven't had the PC terms drilled into your head) aren't everyone's bag, and I get that, so, yeah I was disappointed, but it was OK.

I'd forgotten what it was like to be popular, I think. It was nice to come in, and have people chase me down and hug me, and fawn over me, tears in their eyes and shit like that. It was pretty cool. I miss that. I miss being in a job that constantly challenged my ways of creative thinking, and just about always coming out on top of that, and being able to work around the bullshit policies and STILL make a difference in the lives of the people I took care of; and it showed, and my staff knew it, and the parents knew it, and the administration knew it, and no matter how often I got in trouble and such, I was still well-liked and well-respected. Beats the hell outta shoving pills down people's throats when you're in too much of a hurry to do much else. But, c'est la vie. Right now, the bills have to be paid, and I don't want to move from Atlanta. I could have my old job back, though, and people keep begging me to do just that. Well, it would be a different living area, which would suck, but still.

Anyway, I got to see Peter and some of the other guys. Ron didn't recognize me, but that's OK. Peter did, right off, and he asked me to take him for a walk, just as I thought he would. It was a short walk, but we had a good time. I was proud of myself for still being able to understand him; he has no lower lip, and limited speech, so you have to fill in the gaps and be able to understand what he does say, and I was still able to do that. I missed seeing Brandon, though, which really sucks. He and Peter pretty much tied for my favorites, but I did a lot more work with Brandon.

Oh! I almost forgot! While taking Peter for a walk, I saw Rob - pronounced RAAAAAHHHHHBBBB!!!!!! and not to be confused with logomancer. He was with people, and I was with Peter, so we didn't stop and talk, but I was happy to see him. :)

Anyway, went to get some cookies from The Country Mansion, the local nice restaurant, and headed back to pick up the husband-creature. (Note: Just for anyone that doesn't know, Dwight, Illinois, where I used to live and work, is godawful small. It has one flashing red light, and that's only, say 5 years old. Just so you know what I'm dealing with here.)

So, on the way back to Barnes and Noble, I called Jan, who is retired from Fox, and asked if she wanted to meet us there before we went to visit Johnny and Frog. So, she met us there, and we talked a while. She was happy with Glenn, and was happy that I was with someone who treated me better than Fig had. It was a good, if short, talk.

Then, finally, Glenn got to meet two of my friends. The people he got to meet on this trip were ones that had never taken advantage of me in any way, so that was cool. (Note: I take full responsibility for my part in all the advantage-taking, but this entry isn't about that.) He kind of tends to lump all my Illinois friends in with Fig, which isn't particularly accurate. Anyway, he finally got to meet Johnny and Frog. I was soooo happy to see them, especially Frog, who had to tell me twice to stop smelling him. Frog just smells YUMMY, and I could just inhale his scent for hours. Unfortunately, he sat on the chair, and there was no real convenient place to curl up with him. But we kept looking at each other while I was there. Not sure how to describe the looks, but it was awesome. He and Johnny treated for pizza, and they even bought me some Berry Weiss beer, which you can't buy here. YUMMY. Even blckwngdorcl liked it. We had a lot of fun talking and such, and I wish I could have spent a lot more time there. However, my dad had funded the little excursion, so we needed to get back there, 'cause my parents weren't entirely happy at having to share me, even a little. When we get back on our feet financially, I'd love to spend a week in Illinois, and just hang with all those people again. Contrary to what some people (you know who you are!) think, it wasn't all a bad experience, and those friends were valuable, and I still love the great majority of them.

Whew

And, just in case anyone's wondering, I think I'm done for the day... :)

Not Quite Done Yet...

Remember when I said I was done posting for the day?

I'm a lying bitch.

:)

This one is a medical update. Turns out I have bursitisin my right knee. (Thanks, technomom!) It really sucks. Painful as FUCK. I mean, literally screaming painful, at least on Thursday. I went to the doctor on Friday, and he gave me some Celebrex samples and a prescription, and the Celebrex works really well. He said it would be about a week before it was better, and I didn't realize until later that he'd written me a note for work to be off for a week. Of course, I can't afford to be off work that long, and had called off work Friday for the doctor's appointment (and the pain, although it turned out to be not as bad as on Thursday). So, when I called work, there was some issue about me coming in. Apparently, if I have a doctor's note that says I'm not supposed to be there for a week, letting me work during that time makes them liable if something bad happens while I'm there. And I get that and all, but I just got back from a week off, and I don't have any more paid time off to spare, and I just can't afford to be out that long. So, work and I compromised. I worked as desk nurse only on Saturday and Sunday. I thought I was going to be able to do that for all 16 hours, but apparently, I was only supposed to work day shift both days. I actually stayed closer to 12 hours both days, just finishing stuff up (had a 3:00pm admission Sunday, so of course I had to stay over and finish that), so hopefully that won't be so bad. I'm thinking after Tuesday, if it feels better, I can pick up some more hours. They're always needing overtime. Plus, I've got the other job.

However, I got some bad news while I was at the doctor's office. I finally remembered to ask him about removing my skin tags. He said that, of course, they could be removed (he recommended a dermatologist for that), but that they'd just grow back. He also said something else. He said that the presence of those, combined with the dark mark on the back of my neck, were sure indications of diabetes later in life (unspecified time frame) if I don't lose weight. So, I'm dealing with that. Anyone else who has those, be warned.

As far as the knee goes, it's hurting today. I ran out of the samples, and haven't gone to get the prescription filled yet (bad me). I took a percocet we had lying around, but it hasn't kicked in yet. I find narcotics annoying. Frankly, the NSAIDs work better, and for some reason, I don't get the happyfun effects of narcotics that other people get, so it's not even fun for me. So, yeah, need to get the 'script filled.