More Storms
Sep. 1st, 2003 01:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsSo, I got in a fight of sorts with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
logomancer last week, just before DragonCon. Basically, I told him that his recent "discussions" with blckwngdorcl had triggered some stuff in me, and that I felt he'd manipulated me in the past based on his own fear issues, then tried to cover it up later by ascribing it all to some Higer Self motive of helping me grow. The conversation didn't go particularly well, and I'm not sure what was accomplished. On one hand, I could say it was like my sob-laden conversation in the car with blckwngdorcl, where his reaction didn't matter so much as that I had the courage to say what I thought, no matter how unflattering or scary. On the other hand, I still hate the conflict that's arisen because of it. I know part of it is that I'm still angry about last year when he broke off our friendship, N and I haven't fully expressed that yet. So, to some extent, this amounts to bringing up years-old shit in an argument about something that's in the here and now. Granted, to some extent it all ties in, but doing that at all is considered to be bad form in an argument of any kind, and is pretty passive-aggressive. *sigh*
See, THIS is one of the many problems with not being able to express one's own anger. Actually, as I think I've said before, I don't even FEEL it. I can feel some physiological responses that I recognize as that, but I can almost feel my body shutting down when it gets too close to actually feeling it. It's SOOOOO frustrating. I just wanna rip it out of myself, all black and bloody, and get it the fuck OVER with. But, of course, I'm scared, too, and nothing I do seems to work. But, that doesn't mean I stop trying. Anyway, I digress. The point being that I end up in the position of just now at least starting to feel anger about issues that are old, and should have been dealt with back in the day, but I had no idea they were issues at the time, much less how I felt about them. So, it all comes out now, and I'm sure it comes out of left field. So, no wonder he thinks that I'm giving him the result of all my issues with other people and not just him. I obviously have more issues with him than I realize, but I'm only learning about them bit by bit. *sigh*
Be that as it may, the conversation itself didn't go well, and it re-reading it, I realized that I was so caught up in trying to get my own shit across, I didn't actually listen completely to what he was saying. I'm proposing trying the mirroring technique with him later, so I can really listen to him. Y'know, I learned about that technique over 10 years ago in college, and it seems ridiculously simple and kinda pointless on paper, but Pam made us try it not too long ago in therapy, and it was fucking HARD for me to do. But it was extremely useful then, and taught me a lot, and I'm hoping the same will be true again.
logomancer last week, just before DragonCon. Basically, I told him that his recent "discussions" with blckwngdorcl had triggered some stuff in me, and that I felt he'd manipulated me in the past based on his own fear issues, then tried to cover it up later by ascribing it all to some Higer Self motive of helping me grow. The conversation didn't go particularly well, and I'm not sure what was accomplished. On one hand, I could say it was like my sob-laden conversation in the car with blckwngdorcl, where his reaction didn't matter so much as that I had the courage to say what I thought, no matter how unflattering or scary. On the other hand, I still hate the conflict that's arisen because of it. I know part of it is that I'm still angry about last year when he broke off our friendship, N and I haven't fully expressed that yet. So, to some extent, this amounts to bringing up years-old shit in an argument about something that's in the here and now. Granted, to some extent it all ties in, but doing that at all is considered to be bad form in an argument of any kind, and is pretty passive-aggressive. *sigh*See, THIS is one of the many problems with not being able to express one's own anger. Actually, as I think I've said before, I don't even FEEL it. I can feel some physiological responses that I recognize as that, but I can almost feel my body shutting down when it gets too close to actually feeling it. It's SOOOOO frustrating. I just wanna rip it out of myself, all black and bloody, and get it the fuck OVER with. But, of course, I'm scared, too, and nothing I do seems to work. But, that doesn't mean I stop trying. Anyway, I digress. The point being that I end up in the position of just now at least starting to feel anger about issues that are old, and should have been dealt with back in the day, but I had no idea they were issues at the time, much less how I felt about them. So, it all comes out now, and I'm sure it comes out of left field. So, no wonder he thinks that I'm giving him the result of all my issues with other people and not just him. I obviously have more issues with him than I realize, but I'm only learning about them bit by bit. *sigh*
Be that as it may, the conversation itself didn't go well, and it re-reading it, I realized that I was so caught up in trying to get my own shit across, I didn't actually listen completely to what he was saying. I'm proposing trying the mirroring technique with him later, so I can really listen to him. Y'know, I learned about that technique over 10 years ago in college, and it seems ridiculously simple and kinda pointless on paper, but Pam made us try it not too long ago in therapy, and it was fucking HARD for me to do. But it was extremely useful then, and taught me a lot, and I'm hoping the same will be true again.
