Money Stuff

[bookofmirrors]

So, as I was writing the last entry, I was thinking about how I work rather hard to be the antithesis (for the most part) of my parents. I have given up speaking with proper grammar, even though I know how to use it (this is probably less obvious here, since I tend to use more proper grammar when I write), I forego many social niceties when dealing with people, although I can be as genteel as the best of 'em, and I disdain things like make-up, fashion, and general socialite activities. And I know a good bit about all that stuff, too.

But, I simply refuse to do it, so much so that it's sometimes a strain to remember how, much less do it to begin with. I can. It's a cloak I can don when it suits me, and it's a nice "weapon" in my arsenal. But I dislike using it. Not because it is a weapon (well, not always), but because it's something I've both consciously and unconsciously discarded.

Which is silly, really. There's nothing wrong with speaking properly, acting politely, dressing fashionably, wearing makeup, what have you. In fact, in shunning those things, I may have lost out on certain things. Granted, part of doing all that was a survival technique. The friends I chose to surround myself with were definitely not the same social class I was raised in, and I had to learn a whole new set of skills to fit in with them. But, that's kinda beside the point. I also, now that I think of it, denied a lot of my own femininity by trying to be not like my mother. I remember earlier this year when we moved from our apartment to this house (from The Dreaming to Harmony, as simplysakka would say), and I had to clear out my closets, 'cause we were losing a lot of closet space. So, I got rid of everything that didn't fit me, anything I felt uncomfortable in, anything that just didn't really match my own inner style. And, in discovering what my own inner style was, I was somewhat appalled to find that it was a decidedly feminine style. The flowier, the softer, the more sensual, the better. Quite a shock for a self-professed tomboy.

So, you can see how I've been cutting off my nose to spite my face here.

Which leads me to the original topic this post was supposed to discuss.

Money.

My parents have lots of it. I don't. I make $40K/year, which should certainly be enough to afford shit, even in Atlanta. But, I make poor choices, I spend my money on transient shit, and don't always pay my bills on time, or before I do fun things with the money. This is actually a change from Illinois, where I was very conscientious about things like that. I was still broke all the time, but no one was threatening to repossess my car, for instance. Anyway, I constantly undermine myself regarding money. And yes, I'm sure there are all sorts of issues under there, about how I don't feel I deserve to have money, be prosperous, how I perpetuate a dependant relationship with my father, blahblahblah. But think about it. I mean, I go out of my way to NOT live my parents' lifestyle in all other things - why not this way, too? It certainly makes a lot of sense. Hell, I think I'm trying to get back at them by being this way, and that's some of the passive-aggressive bullshit I've been trying to weed out of my life.

*sigh* I hate it when shit all goes back to bad habit I thought I'd already broken.

So, I now have a new (facet of a) bad habit to break.

Joy.