Catching Up

First of all, LJ keeps changing my address to Dunwoody. Grrr... I do NOT live in Dunwoody! I live in ATLANTA. However, my zip code covers both part of Dunwoody, and part of Atlanta, so when I put the zip code in, it overrides what I typed in and puts Dunwoody. And, I can't seem to change it back - I've tried. I suppose I could just leave out the zip code altogether...

Of course, it's silly to be so annoyed over such a little thing, especially since if Sandy Springs were incorporated, I would have *that* as my address. I guess I'm kind of an elitist when it comes to that. I moved to Georgia to live in Atlanta, dammit, and I live in Atlanta. Granted, I spent about a year or so living in Marietta, and if we have to move, it probably won't be in the city limits, but while I'm here, I want credit for it, dammit!

OK, Rant over. For now. ;)

I wonder if LJ has space limitations. Not that I can't just make multiple posts. But I've got a lot of catching up to do, and with Glenn sleeping, and myself actively avoiding housecleaning and laundry, I'm thinking that, even though I don't feel particularly inspired, it's a good time to do that. As often as not, once I put pen to paper (so to speak), things will just happen, and the words will flow. But, first, I have to buzz over to my blog to see where I left off. (I've seen other people set up hyperlinks in their LJ, and if I had the foggiest how to do that, I would have made "blog" a hyperlink. But, the link is in an earlier post, and if you want it that bad, go find it. I'll learn how to do the cool shit later.

Dreams

Well, I'm in the process of reading my blog to see where I left off, which I basically covered a while ago, but I kept reading back, 'cause there was a blog that Rob had recommended that I read, and I hadn't done so yet. So, I got to an entry that had said I'd had a dream, but had put it on a different computer (at the time), and would retrieve it when I could. Well, I'm now on the computer that I'd originally saved the dream on, so I did a search and found it. I just re-read it. I have some fucked-up dreams. But, while I continue reading backwards on my other page, I'll go ahead and post the dream. Don't worry if I find it confusing. I know I do. :)

****************

I started off in a house. It wasn't my house. I got the impression that it was my grandmother's house, or something like that. There were other people in the house. Possibly my parents, or other family members, but they left. Once they were gone, it was just Glenn and I in the house. Glenn kept switching back and forth from being himself to my cousin Mark. We were about to shower together, and I was looking around, to gather up what was needed, since we weren't 100% familiar with the place, when I discovered we weren't alone. I was in the process of locking up the place (for some reason, Glenn and I had thought we needed to), checking the front and back doors, and heard a voice. The voice was the grandfather, although it was no one I knew in real life. I didn't get the impression he was my grandfather, but someone fairly close, like Virgil. He had fallen, apparently, a while back, and was in pain. I vaguely remembered that earlier in my dream, I had encountered him briefly, and that the family had mentioned this, and that no amount of pain-killers had been able to help him. I also remember getting the impression that the family considered him a bother. I felt sorry for him, though, so I made him comfortable in bed, got him something akin to an ice-pack, and started looking around for some medicine for him. I couldn't find much, and was wondering, half-aloud, if it was worth it, since the medicine probably wouldn't do much, anyway. But, I think I instinctively knew that it was the gesture itself that was important; no one had gone out of their way for him in a very long time, and he was feeling dejected about it. He was being all stoic about it, and not complaining, but you could tell he was just begging for someone to treat him with regard. I left the bathroom that adjoined his and went searching in the rest of the house. I ran into Mark, who was also doing some cleaning, and he seemed upset that I was looking for the medicine. He basically said that grandpa (perhaps it was his grandpa?) was always wanting attention, and had gone through several caretakers 'cause he was so needy, and that I shouldn't fuss over him, it would only make him worse. I remember standing in the kitchen, mixing up something, and thinking about how if maybe people actually LISTENED to him, and paid attention, and gave it to him, he wouldn't be so needy. I considered telling Mark about how studies had shown that babies who were consistently responded to every time they cried actually cried LESS frequently than those who weren't, but I figured he wouldn't get it anyway, and I didn't feel like trying to explain it. I just kept doing what I knew was right.

Somehow, in the course of this, and somehow tying in with going to lock the garage door, I ended up having to go out into the back yard for something. Perhaps it was some sort of herbal remedy. Anyway, I was out in the back yard, looking for this, and either what I was looking for was french fries, or I had somehow ended up with some. I remember having to go through the backyard barefoot, which I did cautiously, because it was kinda unkempt. I remember thinking that, as a child, I wouldn't have been afraid to run barefoot, heedless of the consequences. Anyway, I was walking around, with three very long french fries in my left hand, and a couple in my right hand. The ones in my left hand were for the grandfather, and the ones in my right hand were basically extras. In the meantime, this hispanic man and his son pulled up in the yard in this beat-up car and parked. I wondered why they were there, and got the impression they were vagrants of some sort. I was cautious, but I didn't think they were dangerous. The son gave me the impression of one who was well-loved, and that the father did the best he could with him with what he had, which wasn't much. The little boy raced up to me as soon as he saw the french fries, and reached for the ones in my left hand. I had anticipated this, and moved those out of reach. I told him that he couldn't have the ones in my left hand, they were for someone else, but that he could have the ones in my right hand. While I was telling him this, he seemed like he was going to get upset that I had told him no... not in a bratty kind of way, but in an all-too-familiar with disappointment kinda way. It took him a little while to warm up to the fact that I was offering him the other fries, and he took them cautiously, then smiled broadly, and ran off munching them happily.

I went back in the house, and I think grandpa had gotten up (with difficulty) to come after me. I got the impression he thought I had just paid lip service to his needs and gone off and ignored him like everyone else had. I told him I'd been gone so long because I had to find what I needed to help him (the fries, I think, among other things), and he seemed surprised at this, and pleased. I think I helped him back into bed. I don't remember actually giving him fries/medication/whatever, but I do remember a sense of being done with him, so I must have.

Here's where the dream goes fuzzy, but I know it wasn't fuzzy at the time. Somehow, the scene shifted a bit, and someone wise was there... a fairy godmother type, but ...hmmm.... now that I think of it, kinda like the Crone. Young and beautiful, but with that sort of ancient wisdom about her. And just oozing love. Kinda like Glinda. Basically, I'm told I need to take a journey, and I'm kinda suddenly sent off on it. I'm walking, except my walk, while unhurried, is extremely fast. Things are going by very fast, like the photography they use to film cities and everything goes by in a blur; except this time it's daylight. A few things catch my eye as I go by; a train with a chick that reminds me of Reba McEntire getting in one of the cars; I notice that this train station looks like the one in Warsaw near the Flagpole, but my view is mostly blocked for me to be able to tell for sure. As a look closer, I realize it's not, and wonder where I am. I think I went slower for a bit after that, and ended up that my eye was caught by a shop. There were necklaces there in pagan style, with the name "Witch" in the brand name... something kinda cutesy, like "Witches Stitches". I stopped, and went into the store. I think I basically just appeared there, to them. There were two women that ran the shop, and the one that wasn't behind the counter was the one that approached me. She asked why I was there, and I think I either said that the necklaces caught my attention, or that I didn't really know, or both. I'm pretty sure 'I don't know' was in there somewhere, 'cause she went to get a divination tool. She brought back this little thing that was embroidered, no bigger than a sewing kit. It had a tiny symbol on it, and a picture of Anubis. She said that it was 8, and that 8 meant an assassin, or a myth. I was like, "Great. I promise to not intentionally kill anyone while I'm here." She didn't seem too upset by this, but she did seem like she gave me a wide berth. Not because I was dangerous, but more like because I was otherworldly. She walked into the back of the store, and came back with a necklace. The necklace had a crocheted doll about the size of my hand on it, done in browns and earthy colors. The doll's head was sewn such that it was down all the time. She told me to leave it down. It was some sort of Native American thing. I got the impression it was a gift from her, something that she felt was meant for me to have, but I still wanted to pay her for it. I went rummaging through my purse, and realized I had no wallet. I kinda rolled my eyes. It was just like (whoever sent me on my journey) to send me without a wallet. And I knew it was some sort of test, 'cause I knew I'd had the wallet before, and that it had been deliberately taken away from me. It occured to me to just dip my hand in my purse, like maybe I needed was there if I just trusted that it was, and I ended up pulling out 4-5 gold coins. I remember getting the thought that 5 of these coins would buy whatever I needed on this journey. I gave them to the shopkeepers, and was hoping that they wouldn't turn into something worthless when I left, 'cause I'd heard in stories about mythical creatures paying for something that looked like gold until sunset, then turned to steel or some such. In fact, these coins kinda looked like they had turned into ordinary assorted change, but the women seemed satisfied with it, so I decided to trust it and just go on. Before I left, it occurred to me that perhaps I was travelling in time, as well as in space, so I asked what day it was. The woman who had given me the amulet smiled at me as if to say 'silly girl', and said, "It's your birthday." Which meant I had travelled for about 4 days (although it seemed like 2 in my dream).

Somehow, before I left the store, the woman who had given me the necklace had also helped me to change my clothes. I don't remember exactly what it was I changed into, but it was some sort of black latex fetish gear, very sparse. I think I also ended up getting my clit and belly-button pierced, and there were little chains running through them. I was thin in the dream, and I remember thinking the whole thing was rather beautiful, in a surreal sense.

I ended up leaving, going on in my journey. I realized I was driving, and wondered why, since I hadn't needed a car before. I ended up driving in the woods. It was dark, and possibly raining. The ground was southern red, and it seemed a storm had come through recently, because there were these huge trees and branches blocking my path, and the dirt road was none too pretty. After some debate, I got out of the car, and started moving the branches out of my way. They were much lighter than I would have guessed, and I was making good headway when another car came up, and the woman got out to help me. When my path was cleared, we went over a median-like area of woods to help other women who were also clearing the path for their own cars. I remember moving couches out of the way, and I instinctively knew that each of these women were on their own journey, and that what was blocking their path would be unique for each person. Each person had to clear their own debris out of the way, but once they started making the effort to do so themselves, it was OK to help them. That's why a car had stopped to help me once I had started working.

Once this was done, we all went into a house to rest before we continued on. We were kinda milling around, some talking, although it seemed unecessary. I was still wearing the fetish gear, but no one seemed to notice much. I think they were all wearing normal clothing. However, even though no one paid attention to what I was wearing, I was looking through a book (not sure if I had brought it, or found it there) that had drawings of what I was wearing. I remember being confused at one of the drawings, because it looked like either a clitoris or a tiny dick, tied off to the side with black satin cord, with the piercings in the labia, and another piercing above, which would have been through the belly button, assuming the first was the clit, but it didn't look much like a belly button. I was kinda fascinated with the picture, 'cause I knew it was what they'd done to me, and I wanted to see it clearly, since I couldn't really see my own clearly. One woman walked by and noticed the book, and the picture on the opposite side showed a close-up picture of a cunt, but it was covered by labia. The labia in the picture ended up being a stretchy rubber material that the woman pulled down so she could see the rest of it. The labia were black (negro), but when they were pulled down, the inside was pink. The woman commented in an almost crass sort of way, "Now THAT'S a pinky!"

I think I woke up around then.

OK, Another Test... Couldn't Resist

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Moving Right Along...

Well, I finally got back to the post that Rob was talking about. Silly Rob. Of *course* I was bringing you up in relationship to all my other relationships. That was the purpose of the whole damn post - to explore that. Geez... :)

Anyway... Apparently I left off just before Christmas. I had specifially mentioned that I wanted to post something about the trips to and from Indiana. I remember a couple of things that came from those trips that I thought were significant. I have to go backwards slightly to a party that happened before then, though.

Glenn and I went to the Trybalaka party - which was NOT the same thing as the Vulgar Labrynth party, even though I had gotten them melded in my head. Anyway, the subject of polyamory came up, and people were talking about what it meant and all that. They were talking about how it related to relationships, and how hard it was to work at all those relationships and all that. They really focussed on the relationships, and I'm thinking how different my views on all that were and was wondering if the polyamory thing was really even for me. I have no interest in pursuing a relationship outside Glenn. I have no desire for another partner. I just want someone with whom having sex is within the realm of many other activities that people can engage in while hanging out. I wanna be able to call someone up and say, "Hey, wanna get together and fuck?" just as easily as I would call them and say, "Hey, wanna meet somewhere for coffee?" And I don't mean that as casually as it would seem. I would have to really know the person well, and like them as a person and all that. But once that stage in the friendship had been reached and all parties are willing... just one more thing to add to the repertoire. And having sex would mean nothing less than any other activity that someone enjoys doing with someone else (such as, say, meeting for coffee). And, it would mean only slightly more. I don't mean that in a love-em-and-leave-em sorta way. But I certainly don't want someone hanging all over me and thinking our relationship had suddenly become all hearts and flowers just 'cause we fucked. It hasn't. Unless it was hearts and flowers before, in which case, nothing would have changed. That's my point, I guess. Just because I fuck someone doesn't mean I'm in love with them. And I certainly don't want someone clingy to be after me just because we shared a moment. But, by the same token, I don't want them to get all weirded out by it and go away, either. Basically, I want everything to stay just as it was.

Now granted, I know that won't ever truly happen. Every moment you spend with someone colors every moment after that, and any activity, sexual or not, will have that result. But, just because it's *sex*, it doesn't have to mean anything MORE than anything else would have.

I find it really hard to try to describe this. It sounds trite, and I so don't mean it that way.

But, on to the discussion.

So, I bring all this up to Glenn the next day, when we're driving to Indiana. I love long car trips with people I love. I have absolutely some of the BEST conversations that way. Even if it's with someone I don't love, I almost always have something new to really appreciate about them by the time it's over.

Anyway, I'm explaining all this to him. He doesn't exactly get it. For him, there's definitely love involved. Now, don't get me wrong - if I'm fucking you, I love you, at least on some level - I wouldn't be interested in fucking you if I didn't... but I digress. He loves Kim, and any sex he might have with her will be with that in mind. For him, there's definitely a higher level to be achieved. That's fine, I'm good with that. I expressed some concern that if we ever went poly again with these differing attitudes, I would certainly be fucking other people more often than he does. Not to mention more people. He said he was good with that, which is entirely consistent with what he's said in the past regarding potential discrepencies in our extracirricular love life ("I don't keep score like that.") Have I mentioned I have the best husband in the whole wide world? :)

So, the conversation continues, and we get to talking about how we would do it if we were poly, and how that would all pan out. In the past, in the short time we were poly (mostly in theory, not much in practice), there were rules to it. Most of the rules I followed were self-imposed. If we were at a party or something, I wouldn't play unless he were in plain sight, and able to see what was going on. It's hard to have veto rights if you don't see what you're potentially vetoing, after all. We both agreed that penetration was reserved for each other (although we had discussed a few exceptions), and maybe a few other rules I can't think of right now.

Then, of course, we started having sexual issues of our own, and we decided that we didn't want to run from our own issues by running into the arms of others. We wanted to face our own issues rather than run from them. I'm so proud of both of us for that. Anyway, anyone who's read the past stuff knows all about those issues, and I'm sure they'll come up in the future, too.

But we were talking about all this, and discussing our differences in the polyamory (or, in my case, polysexual) world, and how we would do things differently than we had originally decided once we were polyamorous again. And, suddenly, I realized I was good with it. I wasn't worried about him being with someone else, and I didn't feel like if he was it would take away from me. I still wanted first billing, at least most of the time, but I no longer resented the idea that he might take out his smaller-than-average sex drive on someone other than myself. And I realized I no longer resented the idea of having to go elsewhere when I should be getting it at home. And certainly it isn't a matter of HAVING to... But I mentioned this to him, and he said he felt the same way. And, it just felt right. So, easy as that, we were polyamorous again. Fewer rules this time. No restrictions on actions. We've decided we trust each others' judgement when it comes to things like being careful regarding pregnancy and diseases, and with whom we choose to be poly/amorous/sexual.

And, the funny thing is, now that I have pretty much free rein, I haven't the foggiest what to do with it. Not even sure I wanna use it right now.

Which, to me, means it was the right time to come to this decision. Neither of us are desperate to rush out and fuck anyone. We're both just feeling no pressure in either direction, and we have the freedom to make our own choices.

And that feels really good, regardless of what comes of it.

More Roadtrip Musings - Face of the Earth

Another interesting thing that happened on the ride up north...

We were driving through the mountains. Anyone who's taken that road knows that the highway is basically cut into the side of the mountains. So, I'm kinda looking around as I drive, taking in the beauty of the land, feeling very in touch with the whole thing, chatting off and on with Glenn (our poly talk was over by this time), and just kinda being in the moment... And all the sudden, I could feel the Earth. More specifically, I could feel her PAIN. The slices into her body, that permitted the road upon which we were driving to be built. Gods, it HURT. And I just started weeping. Partially for the pain I felt, and partially to be a part of the race that did such a thing to a fellow Being, and because most of the time, I don't notice or care on more than a superficial level. Sad, really, especially for a pagan.

"I'm the one receiving the pain from you
You would make these lies
I would take them true
You're self existing
no chance of listening
Close your eyes I will help you pray
Listen to God and tell me what he said
and what he says

I'm the one receiving the pain from you
Break me down so shove me in a shoe
You put it on and walk on me all day
Me it wouldn't surprise
It's something you would do
I watch you

I am the ground and the dirt
walk on me
Face of the Earth"

--Days of the New
Face of the Earth

Roadtrip Continued....

The last thing of note that kept happening on the way to my parents' house was that I kept seeing red-tailed hawks. I really didn't think anything of it, 'cause I had always seen them fairly often when I lived up north, but I knew I had very rarely seen them since moving down here, so I figured Glenn hadn't either, so I kept trying to point them out to him. To me, they were huge, unmistakable - how could you miss them? But he did, every time. I kept pointing to these huge-ass birds sitting in trees, on fences, what have you, and every time, he turned too late, or couldn't see them, or what have you.

Finally, one dived in front of my car. I can still see the picture of him, clearly etched in my head. I had turned to look at something else, and when I turned back to look in front of me, there was this hawk diving, right at my front left bumper, the snapshot of it instantly mesmerizing me. (And scaring me... I was afraid I'd hit him.) Glenn wanted to know what startled me, and I told him. He pointed out the obvious, which I hadn't even considered. Hawk was trying to tell me something. Well, duh. Once he said it, I realized it was true. And, interestly enough, we didn't see a single hawk the rest of the trip. It was like Hawk was finally satisfied that I'd gotten the message, and no further sightings were necessary.

I didn't get to look up the spiritual meaning of hawks until we got home, about a week later. Here are some excerpts from Animal Speak by Ted Andrews:

Visionary Power and Guardianship
the messengers, protectors, and visionaries of the air
This powerful bird can awaken visionary power and lead you to your life's purpose. It is the messenger bird, and whenever it shows up, pay attention. There is a message coming.
Many hawks mate for life, the red-tailed hawk being one example.
The red tail is very symbolic... it has ties to the kundalini... is also associated with the base chakra
It can also reflect that children visions are becoming empowered and fulfilled.
It may pop up... when you begin to move toward your soul purpose more dynamically.
Hawks are occassionally attacked and harassed by smaller birds.
....it holds the keys to higher levels of consciousness.
It teaches the balance necessary.
It reflects an intensity of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual forces. This bird is the catalyst
Hawk medicine teaches you to be observant
It is a fearless bird
Because of the strong energy... individuals... must be careful in how they express themselves.

Well, that's interesting. I guess I've kinda seen that, and I kinda haven't. I've figured out my path. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to walk it. I guess I'd better keep looking for signs, and working with them.

Actually, that reminds me of another animal spirit speaking to me... another bird. Sometime before Yule, I was at Waffle House. I was alone, although I don't remember why. I think Glenn had sweet-talked me into bringing him food or something like that. Anyway, as I was leaving, I saw a sparrow near the door (outside). This was like 3am, so I was thinking it was strange to see a bird out at night to begin with, so I took note of it. I walked to my car, and put the food in, then on impulse, went back. The bird was still there. I walked right up to it, and it didn't fly away. I thought it was hurt, so I reached down to pick it up. I was trying to be gentle, so I didn't snatch it up. It let me touch it, but then flew away, just out of reach. So it wasn't hurt. I walked away, and it flew back to where it was. I walked back. Same thing. It let me touch it, wrap my hand around it, didn't fight or act afraid, but wouldn't let me actually pick it up and hold it. It eventually flew to just above the doorjamb, and just watched me. I decided to leave it be at that point, but was sort of amazed with the wonder of it all. I came home that night and looked up sparrow. Basically, it said they represented the little guy coming into his own.

I'm good with that, too. :)

I have another instance of a bird messenger, but I'm trying to keep this as chronological as possible, so I'll save that for later.

Goings On

Not much else of the whole Christmas trip was notable. I did get to meet my new great-nephew, Reese Xavier, which was pretty cool. Nice to have a baby around. He's cute. :)

I guess the only other thing of note on the trip was that Glenn and I discussed what would happen if we decided to move from Atlanta. (More on why that's even the remotest of possibilities - and believe me, it's WAAAAAY remote - I love it here, and so does he - later.) We decided that, at this point in our lives, Champaign-Urbana (Illinois) would be our best bet.

Reconciliations

One thing of definite note that happened shortly after the holidays was that Rob and I got together and did lunch. Mikey came too, which I was strangely OK with. I mean, I adore Mikey, but normally I would have been kinda possessive, especially under the circumstances. He faded into the background, at any rate. Now that I think of it, that was probably on purpose.

Anyway, I finally got the guts up to tell Rob I wanted to meet him for lunch somewhere and talk things over. The fact that I think I've been basically ready to do this since Samhain made it only somewhat easier when I found out he hasn't been mad at me since August. Geez... I guess we're both a little slow, and it was my turn to come forward, so it happened when it happened, and that's always the best time, right?

Not sure I want to go into major detail about it. He said that he did't want to be my Sun, to pull me out of orbit from the path he knew I needed to take. So, in that sense, it was altruistic. What I can't remember if he specifically said, but I took to mean, was that he also needed to stay in his own orbit, and not be pulled out of whack by my need of him. All of that is valid, although I told him it didn't feel that altruistic at the time. He basically said that it wasn't that altruistic at the time, but the anger he felt over being compared to Fig was what propelled him to do what he already knew in calmer moments must be done.

I told him I learned I could live without him. And even though I figured that would make him happy (it did), it still sucked to say. It seemed rude to him, and I really didn't want to have to admit it - to him or to myself. But, it's true, and even though we decided to interact again, I'm not quite sure where to go from here with it. I'm still a tad gun-shy. But, as I told him, what I most want, at least for now, is to be able to interact with him without being afraid. I was afraid for a very long time - of not honoring his request, of being rejected in any way shape or form, of just being around him.

That, thank the gods, has gotten better. I still feel awkward. We go out to lunch from work, and he calls me "that girl", I think as a way to not jump in too quickly again, too. But, things are progressing. I no longer am upset at the thought of being around him, but neither am I jumping to be around him, either. That's all fear-based, of course, and I certainly agree with Sarah that doing (or not doing) things based on fear isn't a good thing, but I'm not gonna force it, either. I'm just gonna let things happen naturally, and try not to hinder the process. It's enough for now.

Meditations

I had a few meditations that are worth noting here. Again, trying to stick with chronology, I'll go back to the one that happened before Yule.

I was over at elorie's house, and she was leading me through a Core Worth meditation, from The Twelve Wild Swans by Starhawk. In it, you imagined your ideal self. What you'd be doing, who would be around you, how you would treat them, how they would treat you, what you were wearing, how you were acting, how you felt, et cetera. Then, you imagined (not sure if I'm getting the order right...) your most inflated self - grandiose, narcissistic, all that, and delved into what that felt like; then you did it with your most deflated self - the one that hates you, basically. Also, you found a place on your body, and a word to associate with your Core Worth. Also a symbol. My place way my heart, my word was Love, and ...harder to describe the symbol. One of these days, I'm gonna have Mikey make it for me, though. If I can get it in .jpg form and am able to upload it, I'll try to put it here someday. Don't hold your breath. ;)

Anyway, I learned a few things from that. Most of all, what it felt like to be the Ideal Me, the Me I'm sure I already Am, if I'd just let myself be. Something reasonably mundane that I found out was that I dressed as my deflated self. My Ideal Self and my Inflated Self both wear soft, flowy clothing, in silks and soft colors. The Ideal Self because it's right, and the Inflated Self, 'cause she can do whatever she damn well pleases. But, pretty much most of my wardrobe is the dark, form-fitting clothing of the deflated self. I should capitalize that, too. The Deflated Self. That deserves as much acknowledgement as the other two. Anyway, so I decided to change the way I dress based on that. Right now I can't afford silks, but Glenn got this kick-ass freesize outfit at Dragon Harvest at KaliMART, and it fits both of us, and we both love it. Very flowy, very comfortable. So, I hunted around on the internet and found the guy who runs it, and sent him an email, and ended up spending $200 of my Christmas money on 5 new outfits. I love 'em. I wore them to work all last week. The purple one is cut different, and doesn't fit me as well as the other ones, so I'm bequeathing it to Glenn, but the rest are awesome. Only $35-$40 per outfit, so that's pretty awesome. Hmmmm.... maybe elorie could make a pattern, and I could pick out some fabric I liked, and we could work something out... Hmmmm.... Anyway, I'm slowly going to weed out my wardrobe as I can afford it, and move to those kinda clothes.

So, after that meditation, we went downstairs, and listened to music. All of it something I probably wouldn't have picked out myself, but was just AWESOME. I don't remember the names of any of it but Gaia's Consort. But she danced for me (belly danced!) and I listened to the music. At some point, I was lying there, listening to one of the CDs, and went into that half-trance state I get into when I'm trying to meditate, but can't go all the way in, and the energy is crawling all over my body. I was half glad I did it there, 'cause I hadn't really been able to describe it to people before, and I had always wanted someone who understood energy to be around and maybe say, "Oh, THAT... that happens all the time. It's fine, here's how you deal with it." Which is kindasorta what happened. I told her I was feeling that way, and described it as half in and half out. Like I could feel myself in both places, but couldn't go all the way into a meditation.

So she beat me with a pillow. She said that was a great state to be in for drawing down, so you could be in the state needed to draw down, but also be in the state needed to be able to continue to function in whatever capacity was needed. That made me feel somewhat better, although I needed her help to ground after that. We sat back to back, and it was like her energy grabbed mine, and just POUNDED into the earth. Damn... that girl can ground. As a result, I felt very connected with everything for a while... the earth, the gods, her... for a while, I could almost feel her, taste her... imagining her lips soft against mine, softly stroking tongues... very sweet, very sensual. It was a good day.

The next meditation I did that was of note was at the beginning of the year. I don't think I had an agenda, and again, I didn't feel like I got all the way in (although maybe, for part of it, I did....), but I remember going into a cave... it was hot and moist and red, and I knew it was a heart... my heart, the earth's heart... not entirely sure... probably both, but moreso mine. I remember knowing that it represented my anger as it pulsed and cast eerie red and scarlet shadows on the wall. I walked up to it, and felt it, with my hands, with my senses, with my energy. I stuck my hand in it and took a piece, and ate it, still beating, like in a Native American hunting ritual - taking it into myself. I could feel its power, its energy... and I could feel that I was closing part of myself to it. But I could feel it enough to know that it was there, know what I was missing. I got the impression that it was waiting for me patiently, to claim it, to embrace it, to consume it and make it my own.

Someday....

The most recent meditation was an aura cleansing. Nothing horribly intense about that one, other than my red never got brighter than magenta (and I associate the red with anger... imagine that), and my yellow, while bright, was a pale lemon yellow, not bright like the sun.

That's OK, I can work on that.

Therapy and Solar Flares

Whew... I'm actually getting caught up on this thing... Woo hoo!

Murke has decided that I must be lonely, and he's providing me with warm gray fuzzy company. :)

Of course, it's more difficult to type with warm gray fuzzy company...

Anyway... couple of things from recent therapy sessions... first is the workshop in January. It's the second of two workshops on sexuality, so of course, it was highly recommended for Glenn and I. I would have wanted to go, anyway. I'm always up for workshops. :)

My warm gray fuzzy company was suddenly accompanied by warm black and white fuzzy company, and since I had more company than I had lap space, I've now relegated all such company to the floor.

I didn't do much actual work at the workshops myself. Mostly I watched other people, and cried at the intensity of their emotions. There was one lady that was upset 'cause people needed her so much, and as she cried out her pain, I said to myself, "That's Rob," and I understood, and I cried for him, for her, for myself. I got a better insight into Core Energetics in general, and was impressed with the grace that issues regarding it were handled by all. For anyone interested, I think Core Energetics has a lot of good things to say, and a lot of good healing to give - http://www.core-energetics-south.com.

At the most recent therapy session, I felt like something should happen, and was typically afraid that something might. We discussed polyamory and BDSM, and, as usual, I couldn't describe the beauty of BDSM to someone who wasn't into it. But, she had Glenn and I crying in each other's arms at the end of it, and I always consider that a good thing.

Of course, much of my processing happens in the car on the way home. Glenn and I got to talking about some of his sexual reluctance, and we delved into his past, and things that might have had an effect on it.

And he remembered something... something significant.

And I got mad.

I was driving, so I couldn't go crazy (and believe me, I wanted to), but I was mad. Furious, irate... none of those things seem to do it justice. I don't even know HOW to describe it, it was so far out of my realm of familiarity. So, I'll cheat and post Glenn's reaction to it from his blog:

"January 30, 2003

In which Our Hero gets to see his Beloved get angry...

And I don't just mean irritated. I mean MAD. I'm talking Emperor-esque bolts of lightning coming out of her eyes and shit like that. I told her that watching her was like being able to see a star as it would lash out with a solar flare and just incinerate whatever it touched. Thank the Gods it wasn't directed at me. I don't think I am ready to expound on what exactly caused that reaction to the general public, but it was awesome and rather frightening to behold."

I am inordinately pleased with this entry. I've gone back and read it at least once per day since he wrote it. I kept asking him if the visuals were a metaphor, or if he really saw that - he says the Emporer thing was a metaphor, but the solar flare thing was accurate.

Wow. Me. Angry. And Phoenixing out. I find myself biting my lip to keep from smiling too much, from being too pleased with myself.

Yay, me. And fuck all y'all.

;)

Work, Et Cetera

Oh, geez... Where to start with this one...

Glenn resigned. I resigned. Glenn stayed resigned. I un-resigned. That's it in a nutshell.

Most of the people who started the company are gone, either forced to leave or resigned themselves based on pay (or lack thereof). We're just about out of money, paychecks are delayed, and we're never sure if they're really going to cash, and no one (that I know of) has faith in the owner any more.

It's a very sad state of affairs. The whole thing, what we thought was once so perfect, is coming tumbling down. I won't go into details. I may have to be held accountable for them in court one day (yes, it's THAT bad). But it's all going to hell in a handbasket.

So, why did I stay? Mostly for Tim. I didn't want him to be alone there, fighting a losing battle. It's always good to have someone at your back, even as the ship goes down, and I really felt I needed to be there. Scott says that fear sometimes masks itself as intuition. I agree with this statement, and I'd already thought of that. But, for now, I have to go with what feels right to me, and staying is what feels right. On a practical level, since neither of us have new jobs, both of us leaving would probably have been stupid, anyway.

Of course, if the new contracts become an issue, they'll lose everyone, anyway. No one is going to sign a contract that gives the company power of attorney over them. How fucking stupid do they think we ARE?

Geez...

On the bright side, I still adore the core co-workers who are left. Brian had a party last weekend (was it last weekend? I can't keep track of these things...), and I got fondled (and fondled back) most of the night by Brian (different Brian than the host of the party) and allicat42, which was way fun. I've been talking to her since then, and she says she feels a past life connection when she reads my blog/LJ. I don't, but it's all good. She even wrote a poem. I'm typically thrilled and terrified. We'll see what happens. :) Either way, Brian throws some kickass parties. :)

Scott and I had a talk for a while about certain things, which has reminded me of a post I want to make - here and to some of the Yahoo groups I'm on, but I'm not doing that tonight. I've been updating this thing for hours, and I'm basically caught up to present day.

I'll worry about expounding on other topics later.

I've thought enough. Time to go veg in front of the TV. :)