Meditations
Feb. 1st, 2003 06:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsI had a few meditations that are worth noting here. Again, trying to stick with chronology, I'll go back to the one that happened before Yule.
I was over at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
elorie's house, and she was leading me through a Core Worth meditation, from The Twelve Wild Swans by Starhawk. In it, you imagined your ideal self. What you'd be doing, who would be around you, how you would treat them, how they would treat you, what you were wearing, how you were acting, how you felt, et cetera. Then, you imagined (not sure if I'm getting the order right...) your most inflated self - grandiose, narcissistic, all that, and delved into what that felt like; then you did it with your most deflated self - the one that hates you, basically. Also, you found a place on your body, and a word to associate with your Core Worth. Also a symbol. My place way my heart, my word was Love, and ...harder to describe the symbol. One of these days, I'm gonna have Mikey make it for me, though. If I can get it in .jpg form and am able to upload it, I'll try to put it here someday. Don't hold your breath. ;)
Anyway, I learned a few things from that. Most of all, what it felt like to be the Ideal Me, the Me I'm sure I already Am, if I'd just let myself be. Something reasonably mundane that I found out was that I dressed as my deflated self. My Ideal Self and my Inflated Self both wear soft, flowy clothing, in silks and soft colors. The Ideal Self because it's right, and the Inflated Self, 'cause she can do whatever she damn well pleases. But, pretty much most of my wardrobe is the dark, form-fitting clothing of the deflated self. I should capitalize that, too. The Deflated Self. That deserves as much acknowledgement as the other two. Anyway, so I decided to change the way I dress based on that. Right now I can't afford silks, but Glenn got this kick-ass freesize outfit at Dragon Harvest at KaliMART, and it fits both of us, and we both love it. Very flowy, very comfortable. So, I hunted around on the internet and found the guy who runs it, and sent him an email, and ended up spending $200 of my Christmas money on 5 new outfits. I love 'em. I wore them to work all last week. The purple one is cut different, and doesn't fit me as well as the other ones, so I'm bequeathing it to Glenn, but the rest are awesome. Only $35-$40 per outfit, so that's pretty awesome. Hmmmm.... maybeelorie could make a pattern, and I could pick out some fabric I liked, and we could work something out... Hmmmm.... Anyway, I'm slowly going to weed out my wardrobe as I can afford it, and move to those kinda clothes.
So, after that meditation, we went downstairs, and listened to music. All of it something I probably wouldn't have picked out myself, but was just AWESOME. I don't remember the names of any of it but Gaia's Consort. But she danced for me (belly danced!) and I listened to the music. At some point, I was lying there, listening to one of the CDs, and went into that half-trance state I get into when I'm trying to meditate, but can't go all the way in, and the energy is crawling all over my body. I was half glad I did it there, 'cause I hadn't really been able to describe it to people before, and I had always wanted someone who understood energy to be around and maybe say, "Oh, THAT... that happens all the time. It's fine, here's how you deal with it." Which is kindasorta what happened. I told her I was feeling that way, and described it as half in and half out. Like I could feel myself in both places, but couldn't go all the way into a meditation.
So she beat me with a pillow. She said that was a great state to be in for drawing down, so you could be in the state needed to draw down, but also be in the state needed to be able to continue to function in whatever capacity was needed. That made me feel somewhat better, although I needed her help to ground after that. We sat back to back, and it was like her energy grabbed mine, and just POUNDED into the earth. Damn... that girl can ground. As a result, I felt very connected with everything for a while... the earth, the gods, her... for a while, I could almost feel her, taste her... imagining her lips soft against mine, softly stroking tongues... very sweet, very sensual. It was a good day.
The next meditation I did that was of note was at the beginning of the year. I don't think I had an agenda, and again, I didn't feel like I got all the way in (although maybe, for part of it, I did....), but I remember going into a cave... it was hot and moist and red, and I knew it was a heart... my heart, the earth's heart... not entirely sure... probably both, but moreso mine. I remember knowing that it represented my anger as it pulsed and cast eerie red and scarlet shadows on the wall. I walked up to it, and felt it, with my hands, with my senses, with my energy. I stuck my hand in it and took a piece, and ate it, still beating, like in a Native American hunting ritual - taking it into myself. I could feel its power, its energy... and I could feel that I was closing part of myself to it. But I could feel it enough to know that it was there, know what I was missing. I got the impression that it was waiting for me patiently, to claim it, to embrace it, to consume it and make it my own.
Someday....
The most recent meditation was an aura cleansing. Nothing horribly intense about that one, other than my red never got brighter than magenta (and I associate the red with anger... imagine that), and my yellow, while bright, was a pale lemon yellow, not bright like the sun.
That's OK, I can work on that.
I was over at
elorie's house, and she was leading me through a Core Worth meditation, from The Twelve Wild Swans by Starhawk. In it, you imagined your ideal self. What you'd be doing, who would be around you, how you would treat them, how they would treat you, what you were wearing, how you were acting, how you felt, et cetera. Then, you imagined (not sure if I'm getting the order right...) your most inflated self - grandiose, narcissistic, all that, and delved into what that felt like; then you did it with your most deflated self - the one that hates you, basically. Also, you found a place on your body, and a word to associate with your Core Worth. Also a symbol. My place way my heart, my word was Love, and ...harder to describe the symbol. One of these days, I'm gonna have Mikey make it for me, though. If I can get it in .jpg form and am able to upload it, I'll try to put it here someday. Don't hold your breath. ;)Anyway, I learned a few things from that. Most of all, what it felt like to be the Ideal Me, the Me I'm sure I already Am, if I'd just let myself be. Something reasonably mundane that I found out was that I dressed as my deflated self. My Ideal Self and my Inflated Self both wear soft, flowy clothing, in silks and soft colors. The Ideal Self because it's right, and the Inflated Self, 'cause she can do whatever she damn well pleases. But, pretty much most of my wardrobe is the dark, form-fitting clothing of the deflated self. I should capitalize that, too. The Deflated Self. That deserves as much acknowledgement as the other two. Anyway, so I decided to change the way I dress based on that. Right now I can't afford silks, but Glenn got this kick-ass freesize outfit at Dragon Harvest at KaliMART, and it fits both of us, and we both love it. Very flowy, very comfortable. So, I hunted around on the internet and found the guy who runs it, and sent him an email, and ended up spending $200 of my Christmas money on 5 new outfits. I love 'em. I wore them to work all last week. The purple one is cut different, and doesn't fit me as well as the other ones, so I'm bequeathing it to Glenn, but the rest are awesome. Only $35-$40 per outfit, so that's pretty awesome. Hmmmm.... maybe
elorie could make a pattern, and I could pick out some fabric I liked, and we could work something out... Hmmmm.... Anyway, I'm slowly going to weed out my wardrobe as I can afford it, and move to those kinda clothes.So, after that meditation, we went downstairs, and listened to music. All of it something I probably wouldn't have picked out myself, but was just AWESOME. I don't remember the names of any of it but Gaia's Consort. But she danced for me (belly danced!) and I listened to the music. At some point, I was lying there, listening to one of the CDs, and went into that half-trance state I get into when I'm trying to meditate, but can't go all the way in, and the energy is crawling all over my body. I was half glad I did it there, 'cause I hadn't really been able to describe it to people before, and I had always wanted someone who understood energy to be around and maybe say, "Oh, THAT... that happens all the time. It's fine, here's how you deal with it." Which is kindasorta what happened. I told her I was feeling that way, and described it as half in and half out. Like I could feel myself in both places, but couldn't go all the way into a meditation.
So she beat me with a pillow. She said that was a great state to be in for drawing down, so you could be in the state needed to draw down, but also be in the state needed to be able to continue to function in whatever capacity was needed. That made me feel somewhat better, although I needed her help to ground after that. We sat back to back, and it was like her energy grabbed mine, and just POUNDED into the earth. Damn... that girl can ground. As a result, I felt very connected with everything for a while... the earth, the gods, her... for a while, I could almost feel her, taste her... imagining her lips soft against mine, softly stroking tongues... very sweet, very sensual. It was a good day.
The next meditation I did that was of note was at the beginning of the year. I don't think I had an agenda, and again, I didn't feel like I got all the way in (although maybe, for part of it, I did....), but I remember going into a cave... it was hot and moist and red, and I knew it was a heart... my heart, the earth's heart... not entirely sure... probably both, but moreso mine. I remember knowing that it represented my anger as it pulsed and cast eerie red and scarlet shadows on the wall. I walked up to it, and felt it, with my hands, with my senses, with my energy. I stuck my hand in it and took a piece, and ate it, still beating, like in a Native American hunting ritual - taking it into myself. I could feel its power, its energy... and I could feel that I was closing part of myself to it. But I could feel it enough to know that it was there, know what I was missing. I got the impression that it was waiting for me patiently, to claim it, to embrace it, to consume it and make it my own.
Someday....
The most recent meditation was an aura cleansing. Nothing horribly intense about that one, other than my red never got brighter than magenta (and I associate the red with anger... imagine that), and my yellow, while bright, was a pale lemon yellow, not bright like the sun.
That's OK, I can work on that.
