Reconciliations
Feb. 1st, 2003 06:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsOne thing of definite note that happened shortly after the holidays was that Rob and I got together and did lunch. Mikey came too, which I was strangely OK with. I mean, I adore Mikey, but normally I would have been kinda possessive, especially under the circumstances. He faded into the background, at any rate. Now that I think of it, that was probably on purpose.
Anyway, I finally got the guts up to tell Rob I wanted to meet him for lunch somewhere and talk things over. The fact that I think I've been basically ready to do this since Samhain made it only somewhat easier when I found out he hasn't been mad at me since August. Geez... I guess we're both a little slow, and it was my turn to come forward, so it happened when it happened, and that's always the best time, right?
Not sure I want to go into major detail about it. He said that he did't want to be my Sun, to pull me out of orbit from the path he knew I needed to take. So, in that sense, it was altruistic. What I can't remember if he specifically said, but I took to mean, was that he also needed to stay in his own orbit, and not be pulled out of whack by my need of him. All of that is valid, although I told him it didn't feel that altruistic at the time. He basically said that it wasn't that altruistic at the time, but the anger he felt over being compared to Fig was what propelled him to do what he already knew in calmer moments must be done.
I told him I learned I could live without him. And even though I figured that would make him happy (it did), it still sucked to say. It seemed rude to him, and I really didn't want to have to admit it - to him or to myself. But, it's true, and even though we decided to interact again, I'm not quite sure where to go from here with it. I'm still a tad gun-shy. But, as I told him, what I most want, at least for now, is to be able to interact with him without being afraid. I was afraid for a very long time - of not honoring his request, of being rejected in any way shape or form, of just being around him.
That, thank the gods, has gotten better. I still feel awkward. We go out to lunch from work, and he calls me "that girl", I think as a way to not jump in too quickly again, too. But, things are progressing. I no longer am upset at the thought of being around him, but neither am I jumping to be around him, either. That's all fear-based, of course, and I certainly agree with Sarah that doing (or not doing) things based on fear isn't a good thing, but I'm not gonna force it, either. I'm just gonna let things happen naturally, and try not to hinder the process. It's enough for now.
Anyway, I finally got the guts up to tell Rob I wanted to meet him for lunch somewhere and talk things over. The fact that I think I've been basically ready to do this since Samhain made it only somewhat easier when I found out he hasn't been mad at me since August. Geez... I guess we're both a little slow, and it was my turn to come forward, so it happened when it happened, and that's always the best time, right?
Not sure I want to go into major detail about it. He said that he did't want to be my Sun, to pull me out of orbit from the path he knew I needed to take. So, in that sense, it was altruistic. What I can't remember if he specifically said, but I took to mean, was that he also needed to stay in his own orbit, and not be pulled out of whack by my need of him. All of that is valid, although I told him it didn't feel that altruistic at the time. He basically said that it wasn't that altruistic at the time, but the anger he felt over being compared to Fig was what propelled him to do what he already knew in calmer moments must be done.
I told him I learned I could live without him. And even though I figured that would make him happy (it did), it still sucked to say. It seemed rude to him, and I really didn't want to have to admit it - to him or to myself. But, it's true, and even though we decided to interact again, I'm not quite sure where to go from here with it. I'm still a tad gun-shy. But, as I told him, what I most want, at least for now, is to be able to interact with him without being afraid. I was afraid for a very long time - of not honoring his request, of being rejected in any way shape or form, of just being around him.
That, thank the gods, has gotten better. I still feel awkward. We go out to lunch from work, and he calls me "that girl", I think as a way to not jump in too quickly again, too. But, things are progressing. I no longer am upset at the thought of being around him, but neither am I jumping to be around him, either. That's all fear-based, of course, and I certainly agree with Sarah that doing (or not doing) things based on fear isn't a good thing, but I'm not gonna force it, either. I'm just gonna let things happen naturally, and try not to hinder the process. It's enough for now.
