My So-Called Life

[bookofmirrors]

It had been my intention yesterday to just sit down at the computer and WRITE. Endlessly. All the things that have been pooling around in my head for months now. Get it all out. Take the time. Just do it.

Well, seeing as how it's today, and there were no entries posted yesterday, I suppose it's obvious that didn't happen. I'm gonna see what I can do about it happening today. Which means several things won't happen:

My long overdue visit to elorie isn't going to happen yet again.
I won't be going over to isarma's to talk with her about stuff.
I won't be going over to waterfall_sh's to help her paint.
I won't be going to tc_borderpagans tonight.
I probably won't be getting my taxes done or my bills paid today. That one's still up for debate, and I'll see if I can get blckwngdorcl to keep me company if I do those things.

My apologies to all for this. I've had little to no me time recently. I suppose yesterday might count as such, but... well...



A couple of nights ago, blckwngdorcl and I had a talk. Mostly about how I'd been a psychobitch lately, and how it was affecting those around me. Don't get me wrong. He made some very good, very valid points, and I understood, both logically and from a soul level that he was being as kind and loving as one could be for that type of discussion. It was information I needed to know, and I'm grateful to him for bringing it up to me.

Which is great, right?

Except that my logical self and my higher self weren't the only parts of me listening to him.

The other parts of me, the fragile parts, the parts that see the worst in myself, heard something entirely different from him.

In a nutshell: You're a freak, no one likes to be around you, no one likes you, and that's why I've been wanting so much "me time", and that's why I never want to have sex with you again.

Having full knowledge of all of these sides of myself and knowing logically that I was being fatalistic did nothing to prevent me from FEELING that way. It did "help" me feel that I was an unreasonable melodramatic pathetic bitch for feeling that way, though.

Now, keep in mind, there was a certain amount of logic to what I "heard".

blckwngdorcl does like his alone time. This is difficult for me to accept. Combine my natural Libran pairing tendencies with my almost neurotic desire to be with him as much as possible, and enforced time away from him is unpleasant for me, at best. I require very little "me" time, and I simply can't comprehend when others do, at least to the extent that he needs it. He frequently has to remind me of this need of his, because I have a hard time incorporating it into my mentality. To the best of my knowledge, I'm not unreasonale about it when he does need it. Disappointed, to be sure, but I want him to be happy. And, it just so happens that recently, he's felt a need for a great deal of time alone.

It also so happens that I can't remember the last time we had sex. Well, that's not entirely true, but the last time I can for sure remember was (two days short of) a month ago. He's had no desire for me that I can tell in recent memory.

Unfortunately, this sets off about a dozen different triggers for me.

First of all, even though I've improved in this area greatly, I still, to some extent, equate love with sex. Don't get me wrong. I know my husband loves me. He shows me in a hundred other ways, and all those ways have the ring of Truth about them. But I still have it in my head that if there's no lust there, too, something's missing.

This sense of "something's missing" stems from my relationship with Fig. I sucked his dick frequently. He expressed desire for it, and was fairly demonstrative in his appreciation of it while it was happening. There was rarely penetration, and when there was, it was always with the mentality that it was a favor to me. I rarely got off as a result of our encounters. It was all about him, and I accepted that. But, at the same time, I felt somewhat slighted. The thing that really sticks out in my head was Fig's concept of cunnilingus. I remember talking about it one day. He said the thought of it totally grossed him out. Not with me, specifically - just the idea of it. He said it would be like asking him to "eat vomit". So, sure, I was disappointed, but, hey, some people just aren't into giving oral sex, guys or girls, so I wasn't gonna freak about it. Penetration was usually off-limits 'cause he didn't want to lose (his version of) his virginity. Never mind that he technically lost it during our second sexual encounter, back in 1995 (our relationship, such as it was, ended in 2000) - in his mind, he was still a virgin as long as he didn't cum inside me. So, penetration was dangerous if I was to respect his right to stay a virgin in his own mind. But, when he started dating Jessica, he didn't hesitate to lose his so-called virginity. And, he ate her out. From what I understand, he liked it so much, he would beg for it (I heard this from both her and him). I'm reminded of the scene in When Harry Met Sally, where Sally is talking to Harry, and is upset that her ex-boyfriend was getting married. She said that they'd had several talks about getting married, and had decided against it, 'cause it changed the dynamics of the relationship. But, they had never really taken advantage of the "better" dynamics of the non-married relationship. She came to the conclusion that it wasn't that her ex didn't want to be married - it was that he didn't want to be married to HER. That's what happened with Fig. When it came down to it, it was me he didn't want, not any particular act or lack thereof. When he found The One, his reluctance to perform certain acts just went away. I constantly fear that blckwngdorcl is going to find *his* "Jessica", and all the lust he supposedly doesn't feel, will become all the lust he just didn't feel for *me*.

As a result, I'm convinced that, somehow, I have either not enough of something, or too much of something else, or both, and that those things that are "wrong" with me are what keeps my husband from wanting me.

There are triggers within triggers, of course, but that's basically it.

So, yesterday, I woke up to clean the house, quite firmly convinced that no one else would wake up to help me. simplysakka did, and I was very grateful for it, but it didn't do anything to help my mood. If anything, it made me feel like shit for doubting her to begin with. On the other hand, liljuice and blckwngdorcl slept through 90% of the cleaning, so...

And I just felt like shit. Nobody likes me everybody hates me think I'll go eat worms shit. So, I took a shower when my part of the cleaning was done, and I left. blckwngdorcl told me later that simplysakka was worried when I didn't answer her as I was leaving, but I didn't hear her. I did hear my phone ring, as I was driving away, but I didn't feel like talking.

I didn't know what I did feel like doing, either.

So, I proceeded to go acquire more bad news. Which wasn't my intention, it just worked out that way.

My stereo in my car has been shot for a long time, and I really really miss having music in my car. There are a lot of fond memories for me and warm fuzzies regarding music in my car that I won't get into here, but suffice it to say that I was getting very sad that I could no longer listen to anything. So, I had made some phone calls last week, and picked a store I wanted to go in to to see if I could pick up a new deck. They happened to be open on Sunday, so I popped in to have it checked out. I decided to have them take a look at the deck first. I have a first generation Rockford Fosgate deck, and, when it worked, it was the shit. All my stock speakers were replaced with RF speakers, and I have an RF amp and 2 8-inch subwoofers (which are plenty big for a car the size of mine). I fucking love Rockford Fosgate. However, after having talked to several people, apparently they're no longer making their own decks anymore. They're having them made by Delphi. Fucking Delphi. If I'm not mistaken, Delphi makes the stock decks that come standard in most cars. In other words, shit. So, fuck. Now I'm at a loss for what to buy. So, anyway, I go in with the idea of either getting my deck fixed (preferable) or getting a new deck. So, the guy turns on my stereo and listens. "Your speakers are shot." He tells me. He fucks with my settings a bit, and after a bit of back-and-forth discussion, here's the deal:

A long time back, the wiring and plugs to my subs got worn, and I ended up unhooking them until I had the time/money to get them fixed. In the meantime, I cranked up the bass output on my stereo to make up for the bass that the subs were no longer providing. Even though I have bass blockers on all my other speakers, I had specifically bought speakers for the mids and highs, so I could run all the bass through the subs. My speakers weren't designed to handle the amount of bass I was trying to feed them. And, my deck feeds a lot of juice. It's designed to not NEED an amp, if you don't want one. So, my deck began to fry my speakers. My speakers, in turn, started creating some sort of feedback, which, in turn, began to fry my deck.

So, there ya have it, folks. For what would have probably been a $20 wiring/plug fix, I now have to spend about $600 to get a system even close to what I had, and I have to switch manufacturers to boot. I ran around with the stereo/bass freaks in Illinois, and back then, Kenwood and Alpine were considered shit, so, even though the tables seem to have turned, I'm loathe to put them in my car. Seems like sacrilege.

*sigh*

So, after I spent $50 to get that bad news, I went over to Wal-Mart to get a few things for the house. I ended up getting a few more things than I had intended, and still really didn't feel like going home. What I did feel like was vegetating. Reading some fluffy novel that I could finish in a few hours and get lost in. Nothing I had to think about. So, I headed over to Barnes and Noble. Pretty much I have two authors for this kind of mood. V.C. Andrews (or the person now writing in her name) and Bertrice Small. V.C. Andrews writes the equivalent of soap operas. Poor girl becomes rich, usually through a scandal that involves her actually being the daughter of someone other than those she considers to be her parents. She ends up living with the rich people she's really related to, and has all her financial dreams come true, only to find out that the rich relatives are twisted fucks. Usually there's an ending something to the effect of finding out that it's even more twisted than she thinks, and she's really the result of an involuntary incestuous relationship between her mother and the mother's father-in-law or some fucked up shit like that. Pure drama, easy reading. Bertrice Small writes historical romances. Normally I don't go for romance novels, but this lady has enough truly graphic and well-written sex scenes to hold my interest. Porn with a plot. Until recently, her novels all had pretty much the same theme. Girl falls in love with guy, marries him. Girl is so wonderful and beautiful and clever that she arouses the love and lust of all the men around her, and the jealousy and spitefulness of all the women. Girl eventually gets kidnapped as a result of the evil scheming of one of the jealous women or lustful men, usually gets sold into sexual slavery, where her new owner falls in love with her, and she with him, but she always longs for her first love, and finds her way back to him with much cleverness and charm, and they all live happily ever after. I was more in the mood for the latter this time, so I picked up a copy of her latest novel, and went home, barely speaking to anyone, and curled up on the bed and read it all the way through.

This put me in a somewhat better mood. At least enough so that I wasn't quite so flat, or quite so sad. So, I asked blckwngdorcl to go to dinner with me at R. Thomas. I fucking love R. Thomas, and we hadn't been there in a while. So, over dinner (well, I ate, he didn't), I told him what I had heard in addition to his words. How I didn't know if I had left earlier to just get away from it all, or to martyr myself (punish myself, too) and give him more "me time", or just what. We talked about his lack of desire for me, and nothing really came of that. He doesn't know why, so I'm left being convinced that I lack something or have too much of something else. I've found that I've practically shut off my own sexuality to make it easier to deal with his lack of it, and I don't like that feeling, either.

Tears were shed, apologies and reassurances were made. I'm not sure what came of it. I feel better, but still sad. I love my husband. I love him very much. Our marriage is right, and there is a sense of Truth in our relationship that I have had with no other. I want nothing more than to be with him. But, right now, I'm resigned to an asexual life with him. And yes, I know that's both melodramatic and unrealistic. But hope is something that hurts right now, and I simply am not willing to deal with that kind of pain.

Comments

[missakins.livejournal.com]

In a nutshell: You're a freak,
Well yeah. If you were normal then how would you fit in? It's not like the peopel I see at the house all wear Gap, Abercrombie, and have yuppie jobs you know.

no one likes to be around you, no one likes you
I like you, and isn't that all that matters?

*hugs*

Also, on the other front, Charles (the recruiter where I work is out on vacation, so no testing this week.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Yeah... when it comes down to it, I prefer being a freak. And I like you, too. :)

Re:

[missakins.livejournal.com]

heee! she likes me, she really really likes me.

It's good to be liked.

[monarchprime.livejournal.com]

Interesting that you state that you don't like "me time" and then describe an entire afternoon of having "me time."

You can't stop being who you are. You can't stop your own development and your own desires. "Becoming asexual" is not particularly viable answer.

I could shoot off into a neatly packed tirade as to why I think so, and what you SHOULD do about it, but those would just be my opinions and it's clear you're tired of hearing THOSE opinions and, given that THAT PERSON will likely read this, I doubt it would be helpful any way. So, I'll send them telepathically in the form of memories of when I said them before. <<<>>>

At any rate. I hope you choose well, in all the choices you make. I hope you find the choices that make you less stressed out, and make you stop seeking a level of activity that neatly blots out your capability of handling things as decisively as are possible.

I hope you get your stereo fixed. I hope you listen to the album I got your for Yule, especially that part about "a million times and in a million ways, I've changed to match you..." I hope you start being "just you" without taking on the permutations of the dramas that you surround yourself with to avoid it, cuz, I think I would have a lot of fun with that person.

Most of all, I hope you apply the lesson of "it's a $20 fix NOW, but later it'll be a $600 fix" to all your future endeavors. It SOOOO applies.

Luff!

Re:

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

One of the main reasons I want to get my stereo fixed is for just that reason. Music sinks in better, somehow, when I'm in the car, and I'd really like the opportunity for that to sink in.

And you're right. The asexual thing is my martyrdom coming out. My way of punishing myself for whatever illusory wrong I've done to make my husband no longer want me. It's also a cop-out to not have to feel the pain and deal with the problem. Something I'll get over, because when it comes down to it, I really do wanna move past it all, without ignoring it.

Thanks, sweetie. You're still my best friend.

A few thoughts

[isarma.livejournal.com]

I think you seem to have it totally nailed, your reactions, your fuckups, etc. However, my dear, you are excellent at figuring out what *you've* done wrong. Everyone contributes their own. So, I'm just going to say ditto to pretty much all that, but I have some stuff to add on other fronts.

a) I, personally, think that if sex and lust is missing from a relationship, it means something is wrong. It doesn't necessarily mean you or wrong or flawed. It may be emotional. It may be chemical. It may be biological. It may be environmental (and yes, alone time would help him enjoy the together time more). But, I find it jarringly illogical to say, hey, we haven't had sex, no big. In my experience in my relationships, there is always a reason. It seems to me that you and Glenn both, together and seperately, need to investigate the possible causes and be open to ANY and ALL possible solutions. While I think that these things happen, on occassion in many relationships, I think it's ludicrous for you to simply give up sex with him for some indefinite period of time. Working on it, fine. Resigned to it? Honey, I know *you* won't be happy that way. In my mind, that's a big part of a healthy romantic relationship and, honestly, it sounds like something is wrong. *shrug*

b) The house cleaning thing...Is part of the reason you get bitchy cause you feel like you're pulling an inordinate amount of your weight, not just in houseclean, but in other areas, as well? Cause, frankly, if I was cleaning the whole house and folks slept through it, they'd hear about it. Granted, they don't have to clean on my schedule, but if they're not contributing, that is a problem and you have every right to be annoyed, just don't bottle your anger and let it become general bitchiness. Insist on being treated well.

That's all I've got for now... Except to say, if you need an ear, I'm hear.

::hugs::
Love you.

Re: A few thoughts

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I'm absolutely in agreement with you about something being wrong with the relationship if the sex/lust is gone. It's just that right now, even though I have oodles of information as to blckwngdorcl's issues surrounding sex, I'm having an emotional reaction and blaming myself, rather than sharing it. I'm not saying that it's no big thing. It totally is, in my head. As I said to logomancer, resigning myself to it is partially me punishing myself for some wrong I figure I must have done. We are working on it, slowly, and we're starting with trying to figure out the reasons. It's hard, though.

The day I got bitchy, I happened to wake up before anyone else, and did just about all of it. Keep in mind, some of the sleeping late was pre-arranged and approved. But, by the time people woke up and were willing to help, I was deeply into housecleaning mode, and I wanted it all done, and I wanted it done RIGHT FUCKING *NOW*, and people, having just woken up, were understandably not jumping at the speed I was looking for, so I sorta just shoved everyone out of the way and finished it all. Granted, not all the people who weren't helping had been pre-approved by the rest of the house not to help, but there are other issues there, which will be another post soon. :)

Love you, too.

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

I am glad, yet sad to read this post. I *was* worried about you yesterday. You usually chat excitedly with me during housecleaning on Sundays, and I, being typically wrapped up in my own fucking problems, had no clue that anything was wrong--until Sunday morning. When you were so quiet and withdrawn, I knew something was up. And of course, being the self-deprecating, "I-must-have-done-something-wrong" Cancerian that I am, I felt sure that I'd done something to upset you in some way, maybe not the whole issue, but I felt I was at least a little responsible somehow. After you left without telling anyone goodbye or where you were going (which is SO unlike K'La), I got extremely concerned, and tried to call you. When you didn't answer your cellphone, I figured then that you needed time alone, although again, that doesn't seem much like you, as you indicated in your post. But I think we all sometimes need that time with ourselves to hit the reset button and think about all the issues we are facing and the best choices of how to deal with them.

Later on, I talked with Glenn and he told me a little about what was going on, reasurring me that I'd not made some heinous error or stepped on your toes in some way. I mean, if I had, I only wanted the opportunity to apologize and rectify the situation, because I really am trying to take responsibility for my actions. It grieved me terribly that it could have been something I'd done, and after Glenn and I talked, I was reassured but still very worried.

This issue is something that has pretty much existed from day one, if I am correct, and in a way, is fairly similar to my situation. My husband used to be far more "asexual" than he is now. Since he turned 40, he reaches for me at least once or twice a week, if not more often. I *had* actually given up hope that our sex drives would ever be in synch, and it also is one reason that polyamory works so well for us. I love my husband to DEATH, beyond *belief* but I simply have a need for more sexual interaction on a regular basis, and that is where my OSOs come in. Of course, I have the joys of the intimate relationships in addition to the sexual aspect, and that deepens the physical intimacy, but I've noticed that it also enhances the sex between Richard and I as well.

I feel your pain, lovely one, and I wish there was more I could do. The household issues can be dealt with; we've shown that we operate well as a family, and I think we can overcome any petty cleaning or chore issue that happens to come up. Everyone has shown a willingness to help. I know Richard has spoken with Ernest and I believe that he will show a greater desire to lend a hand on Sundays from now on. However, your issues with Glenn are something I have to agree with isarma about... Perhaps it is time to resume the counseling sessions, if they ever were on hiatus. Perhaps it is as simple as realizing and accepting that sex just isn't very important to Glenn, but if he loves you, he should be willing to indulge you at least on a regular enough basis that you feel loved and cared about. The love is there, all can see it, but this is simply an issue that is going to require some work and communication.

I know you know all of this, without me even saying it. But I chose to make this comment to reassure you that I am more than just a Harmony-mate, more than just roomies passing in the dark, more than just a friend. You are my chosen family, and I love you. DEARLY. Know that I am here if you need me, and you don't even need to leave the comfort of the house for us to have a cup of coffee together.

*hugs*

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie. The therapy thing has been on hiatus strictly so we could go to the workshop coming up... basically, letting the money that would normally be spent on appointments go towards the registration fee instead. We're planning on going back to therapy as soon as that's done. I'm really looking forward to the workshop this year, especially now since it seems to be so needed.

I understand about how your OSO's help you with your sex life. The difference is, I won't go outside my primary relationship if there are issues with it. I'd just be running, and that's the last thing I want to do.

We'll work it out, and I love you dearly, too. :)

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Understood. Sorry it took me so long to respond to this. And I agree, if Richard and I had problems within our relationship, we would work those out before I ventured out into other relationships. So I think you are doing good by your marriage in that regard.

Just as an aside, it seems that things are now going very well for you two, and I am very happy to see that. I love you both so very much, and thank you also for the support you've given me this week during my illness. It means so much.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Yes, things are much better now. I hope you get better soon!!!

[savage-rose.livejournal.com]

Ouch. ::hugs::

I know to a small extent how you feel...there were a lot of stupid sexual politics in my relationship with psycho ex. He acted like sex was a favor most of the time, and he wore down my resistance to sex when he wanted it and I was feeling tired (and I was usually almost always up for sex to some degree, so I was mostly ok with this). However, when I wanted it and he didn't, it was like he didn't even love me, he would pull away so coldly. Basically, it made me feel like an unattractive slutpuppy, like Roz in The Robber Bride: not good enough, not pretty enough, nymphomaniacal for wanting sex when he didn't. He made me feel really ashamed of my healthy, reasonable sex drive.

So the first time that Curtis didn't want sex and I did, I broke down and pulled away and cried. And we talked about it then...and it was really good that we did, because I got a lot of good reassurance that it wasn't me, it was that psycho ex o' mine. And he has never, ever made me feel bad about myself since.

Don't ever, ever assume something like this your fault...I know you usually do. I'm the same way...although I pass my fair share of blame, I also take blame where it is not due. And this is a problem you both share. You are not defective, unwanted, or unworthy. And whatever is causing this...you'll figure it out. It'll be ok.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Wow... that must have sucked for you. I'm so sorry. blckwngdorcl is never cold, thank the gods. Just not interested with anywhere near the frequency I am. And don't get me wrong. I have all sorts of issues about sex, myself. And, luckily, he shows me he loves me in all sorts of other ways. I just feel, like isarma does, that if there's no sex, there's something wrong.

[elorie.livejournal.com]

I felt somewhat slighted

By someone using you to get off while not reciprocating AT ALL? "somewhat slighted"?

A more...appropriate...response might have been to kick his ass soundly and then leave.

I'm sure you have been kind of cranky lately. But I've noticed you being willing to explore/express some darker stuff than you are generally willing to. Who knows, righteous anger might be next....and you know...when you're repressing all your "negative" emotions, and they start to come out, you aren't going to be easy to deal with. It seems to me that people should just cut you some fucking slack.

You are not obligated to meet other people's expectations. Nor, of course, are they obligated to meet yours...

Love you, silly girl. And you know most people annoy me, so cogitate on that for a while. And I wasn't home yesterday anyway, so no guilting about that.

You MUST come see me in "The Vagina Monologues"! April 8-9, Morton Theater, Athens. I expect my friends to take up three rows at least...

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Righteous anger???? Egad!

*crossing fingers and thinking evil thoughts*

Love you, too. :)

I'd have to come on the 9th, 'cause I work on the 8th, and I'd have to leave right after, 'cause I work on the 10th, too. But I've always wanted to see that!