Hmmmm....

[bookofmirrors]

As usual, there are several introspective backposts that have been waiting to be posted for quite some time. Tonight isn't going to be that night, though. This week, though, our respective work schedules are such that BlckwngdOrcl and I have different days off. So, I'll have the house to myself on Monday and Wednesday, and he'll have the house to himself on Tuesday and Friday. (LuneNoire pretty much works the proverbial bankers' hours.) This is kinda cool, 'cause BlckwngdOrcl really likes (needs!) his alone time to function well, and this means he'll get two days of it, without any special considerations on the rest of our parts. Ditto for me, as I'm just starting to remember how much better I do when I have some time to myself, too. Having now had the benefit of sleeping on it, and leaving the house a couple of times, I see that I did make a HUGE dent in the housework, and hopefully, I'll be inspired to continue that on Monday and Wednesday (although I have several appointments/errands on Wednesday which will probably prevent me from staying home any length of time).

Today, LuneNoire and I took a leisurely walk to the Starbucks on Briarcliff and LaVista, and chatted over coffee for a while, which was very cool, and significant for reasons I won't get into, since I haven't made the post that would make the significance make any sense yet. (Follow that? *g*) Then, we walked over to the Whole Foods caddycorner from that, and wandered and talked some more, then walked home. It was really nice. As I told BlckwngdOrcl later, it's just the type of lifestyle I kinda like leading - walking to and fro to artsy and/or healthy places, wearing, as I happened to be, something somewhat akin to a sundress, but more grunge/hippie-looking, and just kinda doing that Bohemian thing. I told him this over Mellow Mushroom pizza out on the patio there, so it just added to the whole ambience of the day for me. Much goodness.

Something different that happened to me today...

As I mentioned almost a year ago, I called my husband to tell him about Neg dying, and had hoped to maybe start a dialogue with him. Once again, though, he was with a woman who was the jealous type, so, other than a few, far-between emails, we didn't really get or keep in touch. I called him again recently, to let him know my grandpa died, since he knew him, and ended up leaving a message on the machine for him to call me. (Maybe it's nursing school, but I think it's bad form to leave a message about a death on a voicemail.) Anyway, apparently, she freaked the fuck out, and, when I finally did get a hold of him to tell him why I called (which he had already guessed), it didn't help much. I was never really the jealous type, and now, being around others, pretty much all of whom have open relationships, the reaction is even more foreign to me. The few times I've felt jealousy, I later discovered (actually, prompted to this discovery by Dai_Syn) that it was more a protective thing than a jealous thing - that I mostly didn't think it was a good match. There may have been some actual jealousy there, but when he pointed it out to me, and I looked back at all the times in my life I've been "jealous", they all fit that scenario. So.

Anyway, so I didn't want to start a relationship with Leo, especially one that might involve sex (cyber/phone, proximity being an issue, of course) when he was so clearly in a relationship that wasn't going to support it. I had already broached the subject with BlckwngdOrcl and LuneNoire shortly after I called him the first time, in case it ever became possible, and both were OK with me having a phone/cyber sexual relationship with him, but, of course, I didn't tell him that. I mean, really, it would be cruel, dangling a carrot I wasn't going to hand over under the circumstances.

However, recently, he broke up with this chick, leaving him single again, so, after a few email exchanges, I spoke to him on the phone today. We chatted for a while, and eventually worked up into a lovely fantasy that culminated delightfully, and then chatted some more. He had pretty much spoiled me for all other phone sex back when I was in college. Sure, I've done it with others, but it's never been the same.

So, I find myself in an interesting place. I'm very happily married, to a man I love like no other, and I have a few people I see infrequently on the side, 'cause I'm a codependent slacker who tends not to leave the house much, and I've now taken up what's likely to be a steady diet of phone sex with my ex-husband. I mean, how strange. But, I count myself very lucky. I mean, the ex thing is always special territory to me. The potential for extra emotional entanglements increases. I mean, there was a reason I married Leo to begin with. And there were reasons I divorced him. But I find myself trying to compare my relationships with my husbands.

And really, it's almost an apples and oranges comparison. Leo and I were (and are, it would seem) extremely compatible sexually. The spark in that area never really died, even when I couldn't stand being around him. Only LuneNoire has come close (and pretty darn close) to putting me in the same kind of sub-space I got into effortlessly with Leo. He was just very good at what he did, and we clicked so easily in that sense.

But, I try to compare this with the sex I have with my current husband, and I can't honestly say which I like better. BlckwngdOrcl is the man I love, with a type of love I didn't know existed before I met him, and the connection we have in general makes our sex incredible, too, but in a totally different way. I mean, I've had great sex with people (*waves* you know who you are), and loved it, but these two have really been the most connected I've ever been. I can't really compare the two. I can't tell you who is better in bed, because I can't decide. There is no apples to apples comparison, because the scenario in each is so different. *shrug* Maybe that's how everyone feels when they have multiple partners, and this is just something new that I'm discovering about how I personally relate to certain people/situations. Not sure. But I just find it interesting.

Something else I find interesting. And I'm not trying to boast or anything, but Leo has said on more than one occassion that I lose myself more in sex than anyone he knows or has been with. He's made other comments of similar ilk. LuneNoire once told me I was the most sensual woman he'd ever met. And I know a lot of the people he knows, so that seems like this HUGE fucking compliment to me, 'cause I know others I would think to be more sensual than myself. I think others have said something somewhat similar, but I can't specifically recall. And, what with therapy and all, I know to some degree how much I do hold back in sex, where I cut off my energy. I'm rarely aware of it at the time, of course, but I know the cutoff exists. So, if that's true about me, then I can't imagine what's going on with others. And then, of course, I assume these are people with some pretty strong biases, and perhaps not too much experience with women in general. So, part of me is curious if anyone else reading this has any insight into this. Y'know, ideally someone who's been with me, or watching, a sexual scenario in which I was involved. Yeah, sure, part of me is interested in an ego-stroke, 'cause how could such statements not make one feel good, and who doesn't want to feel good? But mostly I'm truly curious as to what others think of this.

Thoughts?

(As always, no IP logging, and anonymous comments OK.)

EDIT: For the record, I'm totally good with comments such as, "Yeah, you were good, but you weren't all that, so I'm not sure what the hype is about." I'm actually thinking that would be a more realistic response. 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm not a sex goddess. Y'know, any more than other women are.

Comments

[jupitercornwall.livejournal.com]

Not always, but there have been times where it was obvious a partner or situation that made your mouth water at the thought, so to speak. It is the same thing that happens to just about everyone, I've noticed it more prominently with you than others.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

lolol I see. Thank you.

[technomom]

I wonder if there might be an element of being more confident about sex than some other things? Sort of, "I know I'm good at this, I know where I stand, I can rock your world" ? I know I've seen people change the way they carry themselves a lot when dealing with a particular area of competence, so to speak. You know you're very sensual/sexual, you're confident of yourself in that area, and you look forward to being with someone whether he or she is new to you or not, so you aren't nervous at all?

Obviously, this is total speculation, since we don't know each other all that well offline.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

That's entirely possible, though... Hmmmm.....