Hmmmm....

[bookofmirrors]

As usual, there are several introspective backposts that have been waiting to be posted for quite some time. Tonight isn't going to be that night, though. This week, though, our respective work schedules are such that BlckwngdOrcl and I have different days off. So, I'll have the house to myself on Monday and Wednesday, and he'll have the house to himself on Tuesday and Friday. (LuneNoire pretty much works the proverbial bankers' hours.) This is kinda cool, 'cause BlckwngdOrcl really likes (needs!) his alone time to function well, and this means he'll get two days of it, without any special considerations on the rest of our parts. Ditto for me, as I'm just starting to remember how much better I do when I have some time to myself, too. Having now had the benefit of sleeping on it, and leaving the house a couple of times, I see that I did make a HUGE dent in the housework, and hopefully, I'll be inspired to continue that on Monday and Wednesday (although I have several appointments/errands on Wednesday which will probably prevent me from staying home any length of time).

Today, LuneNoire and I took a leisurely walk to the Starbucks on Briarcliff and LaVista, and chatted over coffee for a while, which was very cool, and significant for reasons I won't get into, since I haven't made the post that would make the significance make any sense yet. (Follow that? *g*) Then, we walked over to the Whole Foods caddycorner from that, and wandered and talked some more, then walked home. It was really nice. As I told BlckwngdOrcl later, it's just the type of lifestyle I kinda like leading - walking to and fro to artsy and/or healthy places, wearing, as I happened to be, something somewhat akin to a sundress, but more grunge/hippie-looking, and just kinda doing that Bohemian thing. I told him this over Mellow Mushroom pizza out on the patio there, so it just added to the whole ambience of the day for me. Much goodness.

Something different that happened to me today...

As I mentioned almost a year ago, I called my husband to tell him about Neg dying, and had hoped to maybe start a dialogue with him. Once again, though, he was with a woman who was the jealous type, so, other than a few, far-between emails, we didn't really get or keep in touch. I called him again recently, to let him know my grandpa died, since he knew him, and ended up leaving a message on the machine for him to call me. (Maybe it's nursing school, but I think it's bad form to leave a message about a death on a voicemail.) Anyway, apparently, she freaked the fuck out, and, when I finally did get a hold of him to tell him why I called (which he had already guessed), it didn't help much. I was never really the jealous type, and now, being around others, pretty much all of whom have open relationships, the reaction is even more foreign to me. The few times I've felt jealousy, I later discovered (actually, prompted to this discovery by Dai_Syn) that it was more a protective thing than a jealous thing - that I mostly didn't think it was a good match. There may have been some actual jealousy there, but when he pointed it out to me, and I looked back at all the times in my life I've been "jealous", they all fit that scenario. So.

Anyway, so I didn't want to start a relationship with Leo, especially one that might involve sex (cyber/phone, proximity being an issue, of course) when he was so clearly in a relationship that wasn't going to support it. I had already broached the subject with BlckwngdOrcl and LuneNoire shortly after I called him the first time, in case it ever became possible, and both were OK with me having a phone/cyber sexual relationship with him, but, of course, I didn't tell him that. I mean, really, it would be cruel, dangling a carrot I wasn't going to hand over under the circumstances.

However, recently, he broke up with this chick, leaving him single again, so, after a few email exchanges, I spoke to him on the phone today. We chatted for a while, and eventually worked up into a lovely fantasy that culminated delightfully, and then chatted some more. He had pretty much spoiled me for all other phone sex back when I was in college. Sure, I've done it with others, but it's never been the same.

So, I find myself in an interesting place. I'm very happily married, to a man I love like no other, and I have a few people I see infrequently on the side, 'cause I'm a codependent slacker who tends not to leave the house much, and I've now taken up what's likely to be a steady diet of phone sex with my ex-husband. I mean, how strange. But, I count myself very lucky. I mean, the ex thing is always special territory to me. The potential for extra emotional entanglements increases. I mean, there was a reason I married Leo to begin with. And there were reasons I divorced him. But I find myself trying to compare my relationships with my husbands.

And really, it's almost an apples and oranges comparison. Leo and I were (and are, it would seem) extremely compatible sexually. The spark in that area never really died, even when I couldn't stand being around him. Only LuneNoire has come close (and pretty darn close) to putting me in the same kind of sub-space I got into effortlessly with Leo. He was just very good at what he did, and we clicked so easily in that sense.

But, I try to compare this with the sex I have with my current husband, and I can't honestly say which I like better. BlckwngdOrcl is the man I love, with a type of love I didn't know existed before I met him, and the connection we have in general makes our sex incredible, too, but in a totally different way. I mean, I've had great sex with people (*waves* you know who you are), and loved it, but these two have really been the most connected I've ever been. I can't really compare the two. I can't tell you who is better in bed, because I can't decide. There is no apples to apples comparison, because the scenario in each is so different. *shrug* Maybe that's how everyone feels when they have multiple partners, and this is just something new that I'm discovering about how I personally relate to certain people/situations. Not sure. But I just find it interesting.

Something else I find interesting. And I'm not trying to boast or anything, but Leo has said on more than one occassion that I lose myself more in sex than anyone he knows or has been with. He's made other comments of similar ilk. LuneNoire once told me I was the most sensual woman he'd ever met. And I know a lot of the people he knows, so that seems like this HUGE fucking compliment to me, 'cause I know others I would think to be more sensual than myself. I think others have said something somewhat similar, but I can't specifically recall. And, what with therapy and all, I know to some degree how much I do hold back in sex, where I cut off my energy. I'm rarely aware of it at the time, of course, but I know the cutoff exists. So, if that's true about me, then I can't imagine what's going on with others. And then, of course, I assume these are people with some pretty strong biases, and perhaps not too much experience with women in general. So, part of me is curious if anyone else reading this has any insight into this. Y'know, ideally someone who's been with me, or watching, a sexual scenario in which I was involved. Yeah, sure, part of me is interested in an ego-stroke, 'cause how could such statements not make one feel good, and who doesn't want to feel good? But mostly I'm truly curious as to what others think of this.

Thoughts?

(As always, no IP logging, and anonymous comments OK.)

EDIT: For the record, I'm totally good with comments such as, "Yeah, you were good, but you weren't all that, so I'm not sure what the hype is about." I'm actually thinking that would be a more realistic response. 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm not a sex goddess. Y'know, any more than other women are.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I don't know what to say. I think you're messing up, but I know you probably don't want to hear this. It's like people in that neck of the woods are just in some totally different world than where I'm from. It's about family and children here and talking about old times and such. I don't know what to say. I knew that you hadn't changed really, but this is just making me cry. You probably don't believe this, but you will be effected negatively by this at some point- trust me.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

There is that possibility. I went into it knowing that there was that possibility, and I'll deal with whatever consequences if/when they come. All relationships have some negative effects, and each is a learning experience.

[isarma.livejournal.com]

I think that questions like "Who's best in bed?" or "Who's more sensual?" are subjective. It's not about the ideal techniques, because those don't work for everyone, it varies. It's about a great connection between partners. I think you are sensual, but I wouldn't pick you out as the most sensual woman I know. I'd be hard pressed to pick, but probably Erin or Issa, maybe, but that's my personal preference.

As far as sexuality goes, I don't think you disconnect during sex, really, but I think you're the kind of person that always has walls and constructs going on, so of course some of that would carry over there. Granted, it was just once quite a while ago, but I remember having alot of fun, which is the point of sex, to me.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

See, I think you've hit it on the head as far as the subjective thing. And I think the great connection thing is also a big part of it, too. And yeah, what you said is more accurate - that the walls I have in place in other areas just carry over; I don't think I have specific walls related to sex. And I certainly think I do have fun in that area (and did!), and I think I probably have fewer walls during sex than just about any other time, actually. It's just that, now that I recognize them, they annoy me, and I'm still working on taking them down.

Thank you. I was hoping you'd answer, 'cause you're definitely good at telling it like it is (even for something this subjective).

[lunenoire.livejournal.com]

First of all....LOVED spending time with you yesterday. *big smile*

Second, I want to emphasize that,while I am pretty self-identified as same-gender-oriented in my sexual preference, I have had three relationships with a woman, all of them significant, life-changing, and long-term. For what it's worth, I personally consider it indicative of the character and beauty I've seen in each woman that I moved past the limitations of my sexual orientation to become romantically involved with them, because I am a challenging person to love. Of those three, bookofmirrors is easily the most sensual I've been involved with, simply because of the gratification she's been able to elicit from me while making love, and how she expresses herself in bed. Because of her, I've had some inclinations to have sex with one or two of my female friends that I'm entertaining more frequently nowadays, because the thought of doing it with a woman no longer causes me the anxiety of performance it did in the past, partly because of our past romps.

Against the backdrop of anyone's else opinion, I admit that I could be considered biased (in addition to being unworldly, having had limited sexual experience with the opposite sex in the course of my lifetime), but I thought that I should nevertheless clarify my position on it.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Ditto on yesterday. :)

And thank you for the clarification and the compliment. Although not entirely sure what you mean by the gratification part. Lots of ways one could take that. :)

There is part of me that is wickedly rearranging what you said to equal "after you, I wanna have sex with women!", which is a nice change from the usual joke of "after you, Logomancer only wanted to have sex with men!" Neither is true, of course, but it amuses me. ;)

[lunenoire.livejournal.com]

Honey, none of the women before me made me yell. Is that clarification enough? :)

[lunenoire.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, I'm scattered. None of the women before *you*, that is. LOL

[jupitercornwall.livejournal.com]

I think that during sex is the only time that you seemed fully confident of yourself. Even though we didn't each other's bodies that well, and therefore there was that small amount of awkwardness, there is a large difference in you socially and you sexually. I had a lot of fun with you, and at those times you didn't seem afraid to do something or go somewhere.

I have seen you get a sort of tunnel vision when it comes to sex; that sort of sex on the brain thing where, upon knowing that sex is imminent, you sort of glaze over in the anticipation of the moment.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm... interesting. So, sex makes me more myself. My therapist has said something similar. I don't fully grok this, but it's interesting that you say the same thing...

Not sure what you mean by the glazing over thing, though. Are you saying that I disconnect from everything else when sex comes into the picture?

[jupitercornwall.livejournal.com]

Not always, but there have been times where it was obvious a partner or situation that made your mouth water at the thought, so to speak. It is the same thing that happens to just about everyone, I've noticed it more prominently with you than others.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

lolol I see. Thank you.

[technomom]

I wonder if there might be an element of being more confident about sex than some other things? Sort of, "I know I'm good at this, I know where I stand, I can rock your world" ? I know I've seen people change the way they carry themselves a lot when dealing with a particular area of competence, so to speak. You know you're very sensual/sexual, you're confident of yourself in that area, and you look forward to being with someone whether he or she is new to you or not, so you aren't nervous at all?

Obviously, this is total speculation, since we don't know each other all that well offline.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

That's entirely possible, though... Hmmmm.....