Today

So, woke up today with the headache from hell. Not a migraine, just the feels-like-your-head-is-in-a-vice kind. I took two Tylenol #3's (thanks to LuneNoire), and it got worse instead of better, and started travelling down my shoulders. (Not that I think the drugs caused it - just that they weren't effective.) I was also feeling some of the effects of the narcotics, which NEVER happens to me. (20/20 hindsight, they weren't bad effects, but just having ANY is completely not the norm for me.)

So, I tried going to bed a couple of times (needless to say, I had already called off work), and was finally able to sleep, and I woke up around 2pm-ish, feeling much better. Very groggy, with the tiniest of dull aches in the same areas that hurt before, but definitely much better. I've feasted on mangoes and flatbread, and I'm now just chilling out at the 'puter.

So, here's my dilemma:

I was originally scheduled to work today from 9a-4p, so I could attend an informational dinner given tonight on our new lasers. I feel now like I could go to this, and feel OK. (Because I was sick, I gave BlckwngdOrcl the car, but he left me his MARTA card, just in case.) But, I have this idea in my head that, if I call off work on any given day, even if I feel better later in the day, I've forfeited my right to leave the house on any non-doctor-related endeavors. This particular ethic of mine frustrates BlckwngdOrcl to no end, and, for whatever reason today, I wonder if this is a good and noble ethic, or one fueled by my unnaturally high propensity to feel guilty about things. Basically, it's a punishment thing to myself. It stems from that whole stereotype of if-you're-too-sick-to-go-to-work/school-you're-too-sick-to-insertotheractivityhere. Setting aside that this dinner is actually work-related, so it might be BETTER if I go to it, even though I'm one of the weirdos that actually adores meetings and conferences, especially when they're providing a free meal, as this one is...

I'm curious how other people feel about this. I'm too much in my own situation, I think, to look at it more objectively. I'm truly interested in responses here. Do you think this is a good thing, to have this ethic about calling off of work, and not doing anything else the rest of the day, even when I feel better? Or is it just me martyring myself? Or, y'know, any other thoughts you have.

And the Shit Hits the Fan

I have a Yahoo group set up for my core_energetics class. This is a private one, just for class members, as secure as any Yahoo group can be. Our teacher/mentor sent us the following letter recently:

( Dear Ones, )

From my recent experiences, this is about right. The picture of the body shattering is pretty much exactly what it felt like when I was "forced" to confront my own codependency. (The weblink to the picture behind the cut-tag doesn't do it justice, by the way - the painting is EXTREMELY powerful, and very disturbing.) And, while that was very powerful stuff, I have a hard time believing it's the only Dark Night of the Soul I'll go through in this lifetime.

LuneNoire made a comment recently (which I'm about to butcher in paraphrase) something to the effect of it not being clear in my LJ what progress I'm making. Which I imagine is quite true. I tend to go to LJ to lament about my problems, work out my issues, and other such things on the "negative" side of my personality. I rarely use it for celebration, for joy, to show the progress I've made.

Why is that? Well, partially just because I find working out my shit on the virtual written page to be very therapeutic. I don't get the same benefit from writing the good stuff. And really, the good moments are so very profound as to seem to defy description - I often feel like I sully them with words. And, to another degree, since this journal is for me, and I get the most use out of working out the "bad" shit, there's no need for me to write out the good. I mean, sure, for posterity, but those memories are cherished and held close. At the same time, however, I can't deny that others read this, and my heavily-weighed-toward-the-negative posts (I now realize) have painted a picture of my life that isn't entirely accurate. I don't like that, because I try to be as genuine in these posts as possible.

But, as I mull over this concept, I realize there's also a great deal of fear in posting about the good stuff. Weird, huh? Part of it stems from my childhood. I remember distinctly an incident where my cousin told me I acted like a bigshot, and clearly expressed that this was a bad thing. And, of course, that people don't like bigshots. As a result, tooting my own horn isn't something I do easily. I don't mind saying things about work, about being the most requested nurse, or the most experienced nurse there, 'cause those are both verifiably true. Other things... notsomuch. I've learned that lesson well, and I don't brag on myself often, unless I have proof.

The other thing I fear is judgement, which goes in with what I said about proof. I can talk (type) till I'm blue in the face (fingers) about what progress I think I've made, and I can believe it... but there's part of me that knows (believes, at any rate) that anyone reading this, who knows me, either online, or especially in real life, will call bullshit on me. And who am I to say they're wrong? I didn't "get" my codependency for a long time, even though many people close to me were trying to tell me about it, although not in so many words. It took much banging my head against a brick wall, and a particular situation to somehow make me figure it out. Before that, I wouldn't have believed it, thought it was all that bad, or at least understood why it was. So, I don't necessarily trust myself when I think I'm doing well. Or at least, better.

Part of me wants to end this post now. I've explained myself, right? I've told you why I don't talk about my progress, right? I'm done now, right?

But, of course, by exposing my fear, I only (in my mind, anyway) obligate myself to overcome it in some small way.

I'll compromise, and end this entry now, and make a new one.

Ummm... Yay Me?

This entry scares the helloutta me, for reasons I mentioned in the previous post.

( Cut-tags make me feel better when I'm scared... )

OK, and now I'm running before I find a way to refute what I just said.