And the Shit Hits the Fan
Jun. 8th, 2006 03:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsI have a Yahoo group set up for my ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
core_energetics class. This is a private one, just for class members, as secure as any Yahoo group can be. Our teacher/mentor sent us the following letter recently:
I started writing this for my next newsletter and realized you need to read it now.
I have asked you to read the lectures on Images. (38, 39,40,41, I believe). Often, at a certain stage of one's therapy, and often around the end of the second year of training, students begin to really remove (or have it pulled off) their mask and get into deep lower self issues. I am seeing this happen with several of you, to varying degrees right now. Therefore, I am writing this in hopes it will enlighten you and encourage you.
When the Idealized Self Image begins to crumble shit hits the fan.
Character structure (mask) as you know, is developed to cover up the misery the child experiences growing up. When that structure begins to crumble first the lower self tries very hard to keep status quo, then the person re-visits the original misery again. (within current outer situations).
This is the way "the process" (Core Energetics and other healing and spiritual modalities) works. When this happens it often puts you in horrible and terrifying chaos, and crisis, -- historically and appropriately called The Dark Night of the Soul. I have showed you the painting in Alex Grey's book, Sacred Mirrors, where the body parts are blown to smithereens. It feels like that. The more your ego fights this process the greater your suffering. Alex Grey shows us that after the blowing apart happens the soul then can heal and ultimately become the healer.
This Core Energetics Training program supports you in going through this process. We actually rejoice in the fact that it happens, knowing that it is a necessary step in your healing. And we hope that somehow with our help and the help of God you will find your higher self to see the whole picture enough to embrace the process and allow it to heal you.
Whatever the character structures' negativity is ---it will come up as defensiveness...it will put energy into your favorite main defenses, which include your physical structure and the personality (mask)- the little ego. The ego does not want to let go because the ego believes that to do so means death. The truth is that letting go is the beginning of really living your true life.
It is your soul's journey to let out this held "stuff". It is the reason you have come here. Depending on your character structure it will manifest as, terror, dependancy, fears of abandonment, hatred, meanness, anger, leaving a good relationship because it threatens to unify your split, and being terrified of being human, etc.. You came here to heal that part of you. (and others but when you experience the Dark Night of the Soul feeling it is probably the major deep one).
You may understand more by reading the lectures on Transference. Numbers 118 & 121. Transference is a deep concept about finding, admitting, and working with the stuff you brought into this life in order to heal.
I send you all love and light, for those are the things needed to transform your lower self demons.
With love,
Pam
From my recent experiences, this is about right. The picture of the body shattering is pretty much exactly what it felt like when I was "forced" to confront my own codependency. (The weblink to the picture behind the cut-tag doesn't do it justice, by the way - the painting is EXTREMELY powerful, and very disturbing.) And, while that was very powerful stuff, I have a hard time believing it's the only Dark Night of the Soul I'll go through in this lifetime.
LuneNoire made a comment recently (which I'm about to butcher in paraphrase) something to the effect of it not being clear in my LJ what progress I'm making. Which I imagine is quite true. I tend to go to LJ to lament about my problems, work out my issues, and other such things on the "negative" side of my personality. I rarely use it for celebration, for joy, to show the progress I've made.
Why is that? Well, partially just because I find working out my shit on the virtual written page to be very therapeutic. I don't get the same benefit from writing the good stuff. And really, the good moments are so very profound as to seem to defy description - I often feel like I sully them with words. And, to another degree, since this journal is for me, and I get the most use out of working out the "bad" shit, there's no need for me to write out the good. I mean, sure, for posterity, but those memories are cherished and held close. At the same time, however, I can't deny that others read this, and my heavily-weighed-toward-the-negative posts (I now realize) have painted a picture of my life that isn't entirely accurate. I don't like that, because I try to be as genuine in these posts as possible.
But, as I mull over this concept, I realize there's also a great deal of fear in posting about the good stuff. Weird, huh? Part of it stems from my childhood. I remember distinctly an incident where my cousin told me I acted like a bigshot, and clearly expressed that this was a bad thing. And, of course, that people don't like bigshots. As a result, tooting my own horn isn't something I do easily. I don't mind saying things about work, about being the most requested nurse, or the most experienced nurse there, 'cause those are both verifiably true. Other things... notsomuch. I've learned that lesson well, and I don't brag on myself often, unless I have proof.
The other thing I fear is judgement, which goes in with what I said about proof. I can talk (type) till I'm blue in the face (fingers) about what progress I think I've made, and I can believe it... but there's part of me that knows (believes, at any rate) that anyone reading this, who knows me, either online, or especially in real life, will call bullshit on me. And who am I to say they're wrong? I didn't "get" my codependency for a long time, even though many people close to me were trying to tell me about it, although not in so many words. It took much banging my head against a brick wall, and a particular situation to somehow make me figure it out. Before that, I wouldn't have believed it, thought it was all that bad, or at least understood why it was. So, I don't necessarily trust myself when I think I'm doing well. Or at least, better.
Part of me wants to end this post now. I've explained myself, right? I've told you why I don't talk about my progress, right? I'm done now, right?
But, of course, by exposing my fear, I only (in my mind, anyway) obligate myself to overcome it in some small way.
I'll compromise, and end this entry now, and make a new one.
core_energetics class. This is a private one, just for class members, as secure as any Yahoo group can be. Our teacher/mentor sent us the following letter recently:I started writing this for my next newsletter and realized you need to read it now.
I have asked you to read the lectures on Images. (38, 39,40,41, I believe). Often, at a certain stage of one's therapy, and often around the end of the second year of training, students begin to really remove (or have it pulled off) their mask and get into deep lower self issues. I am seeing this happen with several of you, to varying degrees right now. Therefore, I am writing this in hopes it will enlighten you and encourage you.
When the Idealized Self Image begins to crumble shit hits the fan.
Character structure (mask) as you know, is developed to cover up the misery the child experiences growing up. When that structure begins to crumble first the lower self tries very hard to keep status quo, then the person re-visits the original misery again. (within current outer situations).
This is the way "the process" (Core Energetics and other healing and spiritual modalities) works. When this happens it often puts you in horrible and terrifying chaos, and crisis, -- historically and appropriately called The Dark Night of the Soul. I have showed you the painting in Alex Grey's book, Sacred Mirrors, where the body parts are blown to smithereens. It feels like that. The more your ego fights this process the greater your suffering. Alex Grey shows us that after the blowing apart happens the soul then can heal and ultimately become the healer.
This Core Energetics Training program supports you in going through this process. We actually rejoice in the fact that it happens, knowing that it is a necessary step in your healing. And we hope that somehow with our help and the help of God you will find your higher self to see the whole picture enough to embrace the process and allow it to heal you.
Whatever the character structures' negativity is ---it will come up as defensiveness...it will put energy into your favorite main defenses, which include your physical structure and the personality (mask)- the little ego. The ego does not want to let go because the ego believes that to do so means death. The truth is that letting go is the beginning of really living your true life.
It is your soul's journey to let out this held "stuff". It is the reason you have come here. Depending on your character structure it will manifest as, terror, dependancy, fears of abandonment, hatred, meanness, anger, leaving a good relationship because it threatens to unify your split, and being terrified of being human, etc.. You came here to heal that part of you. (and others but when you experience the Dark Night of the Soul feeling it is probably the major deep one).
You may understand more by reading the lectures on Transference. Numbers 118 & 121. Transference is a deep concept about finding, admitting, and working with the stuff you brought into this life in order to heal.
I send you all love and light, for those are the things needed to transform your lower self demons.
With love,
Pam
From my recent experiences, this is about right. The picture of the body shattering is pretty much exactly what it felt like when I was "forced" to confront my own codependency. (The weblink to the picture behind the cut-tag doesn't do it justice, by the way - the painting is EXTREMELY powerful, and very disturbing.) And, while that was very powerful stuff, I have a hard time believing it's the only Dark Night of the Soul I'll go through in this lifetime.
LuneNoire made a comment recently (which I'm about to butcher in paraphrase) something to the effect of it not being clear in my LJ what progress I'm making. Which I imagine is quite true. I tend to go to LJ to lament about my problems, work out my issues, and other such things on the "negative" side of my personality. I rarely use it for celebration, for joy, to show the progress I've made.Why is that? Well, partially just because I find working out my shit on the virtual written page to be very therapeutic. I don't get the same benefit from writing the good stuff. And really, the good moments are so very profound as to seem to defy description - I often feel like I sully them with words. And, to another degree, since this journal is for me, and I get the most use out of working out the "bad" shit, there's no need for me to write out the good. I mean, sure, for posterity, but those memories are cherished and held close. At the same time, however, I can't deny that others read this, and my heavily-weighed-toward-the-negative posts (I now realize) have painted a picture of my life that isn't entirely accurate. I don't like that, because I try to be as genuine in these posts as possible.
But, as I mull over this concept, I realize there's also a great deal of fear in posting about the good stuff. Weird, huh? Part of it stems from my childhood. I remember distinctly an incident where my cousin told me I acted like a bigshot, and clearly expressed that this was a bad thing. And, of course, that people don't like bigshots. As a result, tooting my own horn isn't something I do easily. I don't mind saying things about work, about being the most requested nurse, or the most experienced nurse there, 'cause those are both verifiably true. Other things... notsomuch. I've learned that lesson well, and I don't brag on myself often, unless I have proof.
The other thing I fear is judgement, which goes in with what I said about proof. I can talk (type) till I'm blue in the face (fingers) about what progress I think I've made, and I can believe it... but there's part of me that knows (believes, at any rate) that anyone reading this, who knows me, either online, or especially in real life, will call bullshit on me. And who am I to say they're wrong? I didn't "get" my codependency for a long time, even though many people close to me were trying to tell me about it, although not in so many words. It took much banging my head against a brick wall, and a particular situation to somehow make me figure it out. Before that, I wouldn't have believed it, thought it was all that bad, or at least understood why it was. So, I don't necessarily trust myself when I think I'm doing well. Or at least, better.
Part of me wants to end this post now. I've explained myself, right? I've told you why I don't talk about my progress, right? I'm done now, right?
But, of course, by exposing my fear, I only (in my mind, anyway) obligate myself to overcome it in some small way.
I'll compromise, and end this entry now, and make a new one.
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no subject
Date: 2006-06-08 08:34 pm (UTC)Re: Feel free to comment with these things.
Date: 2006-06-08 08:47 pm (UTC)Re: Feel free to comment with these things.
Date: 2006-06-08 09:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-08 10:22 pm (UTC)::hugs::
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Date: 2006-06-08 10:31 pm (UTC)