Insomnia

I now know what it's like to feel shame about your sexuality.

It's a horrible feeling. It shrinks your soul, and you feel like you can't curl into a ball small enough, or become invisible enough to hide from it. It cuts off completely any sense of connection or desire, until all that's left is fear and pain, and you want so desperately for it to go away, but you very much want to punish yourself, too, for ever having those desires to begin with. It creates a vicious circle.

And I think I've felt this before, under similar circumstances, but didn't recognize it for what it was. After all, that sort of emotion/reaction is antithesis to what I believe. No wonder I didn't recognize it for what it was.

And really, how easy it is for me to get over it. A show of genuine desire, taken to its natural conclusion, and I feel joy again, feel love.

Not so for my husband. This shame is his "natural" state of being. I can't imagine what that must be like. I would have taken Baxie's frozen hell long ago.

It's a wonder we ever have sex at all.

And right now, in the middle of it, I don't know which one of us I'm more sorry for.

Copied and Posted with Permission of Original Author

Normally, the election in Georgia of judges is a very non-partisan
thing. In fact that has been the Law and practice for decades.
That is why they are held at a different time than the general
election. In fact, this Tuesday during the party primaries we will
also elect our judges in such a non-partisan election.

HOWEVER, THIS TUESDAY WILL BE DIFFERENT! See Creative Loafer issue
for July 8-14, front cover story, p. 32.

Our sworn enemies, the religious right, have declared a political war
on our judges. They control the Republican party in Georgia. Ralph
Reed, former head of the Christian Coalition, IS the Chairman of the
Georgia Republican Party and they have publicly announced that they
are turning out the right wing churches to 'get' our judges.

Now, you may say, why would we pervs care about that? Well, the
courts are the protectors of constitutional rights. You may remember
that the US Supreme Court last summer did throw out as
unconstitutional all the anti-sodomy laws thus legalizing our private
sex play but the Georgia Supreme Court had already done that here in
1998 after over 100 years of that sexual tyranny and invasion of
privacy. And the judge, Justice Leah Sears, an old classmate of mine
from Emory Law School, wrote the powerful concurring opinion in it.
She also lead the court in throwing out the silly anti-fornication
law last January and stands strongly for the right of privacy.

Justice Leah Sears is personally under this attack, specially
targeted. She has served with distinction on our Georgia Supreme
Court now for 12 years. If she wins this Tuesday she will then
automatically become the FIRST WOMAN CHIEF JUSTICE in Georgia history
in January.

Now what will likely happen if she and other such judges lose and our
courts become filled with religious right-wingers? First, our clubs,
our semi-public play spaces will be in danger.

Places like the 1763 Club, Club Venus, all the swingers clubs, APE,
nudist camps, Fantasm and DragonCon, among others, can exist in our
conservative state only because we have liberal 'private club' legal
exceptions that allow clubs such as it to have privacy and not be
subject to adult 'entertainment' laws that seriously limit or outlaw
what we do, as long as we don't sale alcohol. The religious right-
wingers know this and they also know that the courts created that
exception and the courts are the ones who can take it away from us.

There are way too many other reasons and methods for us all to stand
and fight this latest attempt at religious tyranny but for now PLEASE
VOTE ON TUESDAY!!!

I will not ask you to vote for any particular judge other than my
good friend, Justice Sears, however, here is a list of those
religious right wing judge candidates to vote AGAINST... anybody,
just about, would be better:

1. Grant Bradley (former Cobb county judge running for Supreme Court
against Justice Sears)
2. Mike Sheffield (Court of Appeals, state-wide)
3. William Ashley Hawkins (same)
4. Lee Elizabeth Tarte Wallace (same)

The Court of Appeals race has all those (No. 2, 3, 4) running along
with a few more. My review of the candidates in that one race
suggest that Howard Mead is best qualified and Debra Bernes maybe a
good choice. Because there was a flood of candidates in the one
race, there will likely be a run-off that will be even more important
since it will be less attended by most good people but full of the
religious right zealots... so stay 'tuned' for the next round in the
fight for our courts.

Please go to the polls this Tuesday and vote FOR US all and against
the religious rights attempt to take away our good judges.

LC,
a lawyer for 28 years... a confirmed perv for a lifetime };-}>

ps-- BTW, Judy Woolard, President of the Atlanta City Council, a
proud lesbian, extremely competent and a fine leader, is running in
DeKalb County (most of it plus some of other counties) for the US
Congress and I hope you will consider her in the Democratic Primary
there.

(Second post)


There is a serious need for all of us of similar views on
privacy and sexual freedom to be watchful politically. There really
is a 'culture war' going on in America. And we all here are on one
side while the religious right-wingers are on the other. It is as if
the labels, 'liberal' and 'conservative' are being turned inside out
and upside down. It used to be that a 'conservative' wants to limit
government intrusion while many 'liberals' wanted to push their 'they
know best' thinking down all of our throats by way of the government.

Now those who call themselves 'conservative' most often want to push
their religious agenda on us all through the government. Especially
here in the south. They don't just want prayer in public schools...
we can always do that... they want it made mandatory. Same with
marriage... they want the government to decide who you can marry.
That is more like the old 'liberals' than REAL conservatives!

Sorry for all the politics but let's face it... this is probably the
most important election/politics years in my lifetime for sure... and
I'm old, LOL! Certainly the most important for us pervs in history!

Dream

I eventually got to sleep last night, and was rewarded with a dream. (Sorry... perhaps the sarcasm of that statement wasn't as obvious as it could have been.)

I don't remember a whole lot about it. I know I kept changing both and forth from blckwngdorcl to myself, and that when I was blckwngdorcl, myself was Halle Barry. Ha... probably wishful thinking on both our parts.

We were arguing. I remember that. I remember the me as blckwngdorcl kept slapping the shit out the myself as Halle Barry. I remember being in the bathroom. We were about to take a shower. I don't remember what we were arguing about. I don't really remember how that went. I know there was either some thought in my head, or some discussion, about discarding our wedding rings. I remember resisting that, very hard, in the dream. When I was engaged to Leo, more than once, I gave him the ring back, and I remember in the dream thinking that that should have told me something, should have told me something, and I didn't want to hear that now. I kept trying to get myself in a headspace to get past the fear, the pain, and I was having trouble doing it. It didn't help that I kept switching back and forth, either. I remember at one point, when I was me, he had gone, and I was lying in a huge bathtub, soaking, but not quite getting ready yet. I kept trying to get past my muddled thoughts and try to think of a way to make it better, and the stupid wedding rings kept going through my head. I remember thinking of something to make it better, some sort of symbolic gesture. So I got out of the tub, and went into another room. It was a bedroom, and he was in the shower attached to it (as I had guessed he would be). I saw his ring sitting on the dresser in the bedroom, and took it, took mine, and went back to the room that we were sharing at the time, the one attached to the tub I was soaking in. (This wasn't our house, exactly... it was connected with my parents, somehow, even though I'm pretty sure we were the only ones there. It smacked a lot of the house I grew up in, in Warsaw.) Anyway, I took both rings, and put them in a basket, up high, on a shelf. In my head, we'd both have to come together to get them back, and that satisfied me somewhat, but I was still sad. I went back to the tub to soak, and actually get cleaned up this time.

The tub was a garden-style tub, and across from me, there were several decorative, knick-knacky things on the shelf. One was a little angel. Almost like a Christmas tree decoration. I knew that it was somehow connected to me, partially because of the blue and orange ribbons attached to it, which were the colors of my old college. The angel kept moving closer to me. Never when I was looking, of course, but I knew it was doing it. Part of me was wondering why I wasn't afraid, but I wasn't. It seemed natural for it to do so, and part of me understood that it was comforting me. When it (she) finally got close to me, she just rested there, and radiated an aura of comfort. It was only mildly comforting, but at least it was something.

Then I woke up.