Insomnia

[bookofmirrors]

I now know what it's like to feel shame about your sexuality.

It's a horrible feeling. It shrinks your soul, and you feel like you can't curl into a ball small enough, or become invisible enough to hide from it. It cuts off completely any sense of connection or desire, until all that's left is fear and pain, and you want so desperately for it to go away, but you very much want to punish yourself, too, for ever having those desires to begin with. It creates a vicious circle.

And I think I've felt this before, under similar circumstances, but didn't recognize it for what it was. After all, that sort of emotion/reaction is antithesis to what I believe. No wonder I didn't recognize it for what it was.

And really, how easy it is for me to get over it. A show of genuine desire, taken to its natural conclusion, and I feel joy again, feel love.

Not so for my husband. This shame is his "natural" state of being. I can't imagine what that must be like. I would have taken Baxie's frozen hell long ago.

It's a wonder we ever have sex at all.

And right now, in the middle of it, I don't know which one of us I'm more sorry for.

Comments

[monarchprime.livejournal.com]

Please deposit $0.50 into my account for the royalties. :)

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Ha... the only person in the world who would get that reference, and I figured you'd never even read it. I thought about using "Caina", but I couldn't remember the exact quote, and it never made it into the final draft, anyway.

Thanks. :)

[monarchprime.livejournal.com]

Well, don't presuppose what I do and don't read...you'd be surprised.

[mybooslam.livejournal.com]

WHy hugs.....??

[dolmena.livejournal.com]

I've felt that. And been shaken to recognize it in others.

[savage-rose.livejournal.com]

I understand how that feels. It's also hard to hard to reconcile who you are sexually with the rest of what you are...our society acts like sex is very shameful.