The Blade and the Mirror

A lot of things happened today that I'm still assimilating... They're brewing in my quasi-consciousness (I made that word up). But, in the meantime, I'm revisiting something I wrote months ago, to a list I was on at the time. I'm not sure if I'm any closer to reaching this... Hmmm... That's not the right way to say it... I'm not sure if I'm any closer to......... well... I can't think of the right word. At any rate, it's good to remind myself of this every once in a while. Make that often.


*********


A few weeks back, Scott asked me to start thinking about what I could
contribute to the Pagan Community.


I'd been asking myself that for months. Probably longer.


The first thing I thought was that I didn't want to limit whatever gift(s) I
had to give to strictly the Pagan community. One of the major tenets of my own
beliefs is that we are all One. Anything I give to one person, ultimately
affects all. If any of us are to move forward, make our mark, change the
world... it must all begin with the tiniest of steps, the smallest of jumps.
This is the only way anything gets done - one thing at a time.


While driving home from his house that evening, Someone must have decided to
slap me in the face with what I really knew all along. I've known it since
1986, driving with my father, when he was asking me what I wanted to major in
in college. I guess I hadn't really thought about it prior to that. I knew I
was going to college. That's just what you do. What I wanted beyond that, I
had no idea. I don't remember what was said, what questions he asked, how I
answered exactly. I only remember the result of the conversation: I wanted to
study psychology. People had always come to me to talk, to ask for advice,
just to have someone listen. I liked that. I liked that they trusted me
enough to tell me all these deep secrets about themselves. I liked knowing I
was worthy of that trust. And, frankly, I liked the sense of power I got from
the knowledge. And almost without exception, everyone who left me after
spilling their guts seemed happier, more relieved, ready to move forward.


I spent 4 years earning a degree from a school with a nationally-reknowned
psychology department. I interviewed for, and got, a position in the mental
health workers program - a program that one of the psychology advisors claimed
to train would-be counselors as well as, if not better, than most PhD programs.
I had every intention of going on and getting a PhD after I graduated. I was
picky about graduate schools, however, and competition for being accepted into
a PhD program is fierce (only 2-16 people accepted each year). Then life got
in the way, as it often does. My first degree-related job out of college was
working in a psychiatric unit of a hospital. $7.00 per hour didn't seem like
what a college graduate should be making. The nurses, I noticed, made about
twice that amount of money, for a degree that took half the time to earn. The
monetary considerations of career and having to live on my own clouded what the
18-year old girl sitting in her father's car knew all along. "Healing the
body, healing the mind... same difference," I told myself. On to nursing
school I went. My address kept me from going straight into the RN program, so
a year later, I became a licensed practical nurse. I got lazy after that, and
never seriously pursued the additional training to become an RN. By this time,
the psychology degree was a nice thing to have, and a bit of a status symbol,
as an LPN with a bachelor's degree is a rare thing.


This combination landed me a great job working for the state of Illinois. I
had a great deal of autonomy, was making very good money, had a great schedule
which I could flex almost at will, and (bless her heart) a boss that understood
me a little, had way too many jobs on her plate, and was just exasperated
enough to let me get away with things other people couldn't. Having all that
Libra charm didn't hurt. After working there 7 years, 5 of them in a position
that was traditionally one of the most hated in the building, I had employees
who loved me and thought I was the best HPC in the building, parents who were
genuinely happy when I called, and would come to me for everything they needed,
and the most smoothly-running living area. When Fate called me to Atlanta, I
was given not one, but 3 parties to send me off. I'd seen a lot of HPC's come
and go in those 5 years, and can only remember 1 that ever had even one
send-off party, let alone 3. The parents of my favorite guy on my living area
sent me a dozen huge champagne-colored roses with a card that made me cry all
day long on my last day. I stayed at work for 24 hours on my last day, making
sure I left as little to chance as possible before I turned the job over to
someone else. I fretted about how another HPC would deal with Brandon, if
Peter would be able to stay out of restraints, if the new HPC would hassle my
staff after they were used to my ways. I kissed every one of my residents
goodbye as they were sleeping. Brandon woke up, and my last memory of my
living area was of him sitting in front of the elevator in his wheelchair,
looking at me a little bit confused, like he wasn't quite sure what I was
doing, but still with that wonderful smile of his. I was so tired, and so full
of emotions when I drove the 40 miles back to my apartment. I cried part of
the way, almost fell asleep a few times, and was gifted by the Gods with the
most beautiful sunrise I had ever seen, before or since.


So, I came to Atlanta. After working at the same place for 7 years, I couldn't
seem to keep a job more than a month. I spent 6 months in sales, learning that
I had no business in that field. And I wondered what I was SUPPOSED to do.


In the meantime, I had found myself in the midst of other Pagans - LOTS of
other Pagans. The only ones I'd met up north were ones that I was quite sure I
didn't want representing my faith to others. I met the man who would, in a
surprisingly short amount of time, become my husband. And I was jealous when
the Gods showed him his Path. I saw how it changed him... how he lit up when
he was walking it. And I wanted that for myself.


So, to go full circle after perhaps too much background information, when Scott
asked me how I could serve the community, he wasn't asking me anything I hadn't
been asking myself since I'd lost my first job after moving here. I could
serve the community by walking my Path. Duh. The hard question was, just what
WAS my path???


Which brings us back to the ride home that night. When I could see the Path
I'd started walking down back when I first chose my major - back when I was
young enough that I had no responsibilities to cloud the trail. I thought back
to all the hints I'd been given, even since I moved here. There was Scarlett's
"Thou Art Goddess" workshop, when we had to decide what type of Goddess we
were. I saw then that my job was to show others themselves... to see through
the facade that they showed everyone else.. to especially see through the
facade they showed themselves... to show them what I could see. Certainly,
that has always been my Gift - to SEE people. There were the times I sat up
late with Glenn, listening to him, repeating back to him the things he wasn't
saying... gently slicing away at the walls he'd created around himself that
prevent him from seeing how Beautiful he is. These are the times I feel most
at peace... most grounded... most connected to Diety. When I see someone...
when I help them slice away the layers of fear that covers what they are...
when I reflect back at them what I see... when I show them, as
Heinlein/Valentine says, "Thou art God".


I am the Blade and the Mirror.


And now that I see that, now that I realize what my role is this time around, I
feel little sense of relief. Because the hardest task of such a Path is
slicing away at my own layers, facing my own fears, not being afraid to look at
my own reflection. As the saying goes, it's easier to see the splinter in
someone else's eye, than the plank in your own.


And so, I do what scares me, and answer Scott's question in a more public
forum. I place my Path before all of you, in hopes that I can continue to be
this brave as I walk down that road... in hopes that those I love most, and
whom the Gods have given me as friends (and more) this time around, can hold my
hand when the Path gets dark, can help guide me when I falter.


This is my Gift to the Community, to everyone. And I will strive to do it to
the best of my ability, one soul at a time.


--K'La Albertini


Love is the Law, no matter what the Religion.
-----Aleister Crowley
K'La posted this at 8/28/2002 03:53:25 AM.