Fears and Changes

[bookofmirrors]

Actually, it's two different posts, neither of which I feel particularly inspired to make right now, so I hope it doesn't come out as disjointed gibberish.

I'm actually going to write about the more recent event, 'cause it's more pertinent to my life in the real world right now. As I may or may not have mentioned, blckwngdorcl and I are moving into a house with simplysakka and wyzard_vyrnahnn in a couple of months.

So, I'm lying in bed with blckwngdorcl one afternoon, looking around at our apartment, knowing how much care I've put into it, how much fun I've had decorating it (when we've had the money and the time), and all the things that are in my head to do to it, but that I haven't done, because we either ran out of time or money, or, more recently, 'cause I knew we were gonna be moving soon. This is the first apartment I've been able to really have free rein with. blckwngdorcl and I have almost frightenly similar decorating tastes, and for the most part, he lets me run with it, anyway. The apartment is decorated just quirky enough to suit me, and just nice enough to not look like a college pad. The master bedroom and bathroom are all done in jewel tones of green and purple, our favorite colors, so it reflects both of us equally and wonderfully. The living room is all navy, gold, and silver, with a celestial theme. This incorporates our household name, The Dreaming, and is also on the witchy side, which pleases both of us. The sunroom (which I've not been able to finish) is full of blue and white lights, celestial hangings, and was going to have lotsa sparklies hanging from the ceiling to make it into a fairy-night-wonderland. The computer/altar room has shelves in the primary element colors on the appropriate walls, and the curtains, which never got hung up, were supposed to reflect that theme. And my kitchen is entirely based on the Lenox houses that were popular about 10 years ago. I have damn near the whole set. I LOVE this apartment. It's in a great location, has great energy, has a beautiful outdoors, and the office people are very nice. It's the first apartment since I was married to Leo that I've actually had all my stuff unpacked and placed out.

So, I'm lying there, contemplating all this, at the time having no idea what the new place was like, and I started lamenting that I didn't want to move. I hate moving anyway. I hate having to put the cats through it again, especially after I told them that this apartment would be the last one, and the next move we would make would be into our own home. I hate the thought of putting all the stuff I love into boxes, and putting it away, not to be seen again until we get our own place again. I hate having to compromise again.

So, I'm lying in bed, telling blckwngdorcl all this, just *sobbing* about it. And, in the process of verbalizing it, the real issue comes out. Which, of course, just made me cry even harder, and longer.

It's not about the stuff. It's not about full creative license on decorations. I identify a great deal with my household. It reflects a great deal on me, and my ease, or lack thereof, is directly proportional to the state of my living space. No wonder, then, that all this *stuff* becomes symbolic of my Self. The thought of packing up my stuff in boxes (in favor of someone else's stuff) equates in my mind to packing away my very individuality, my sense of Self. In other words, everything I've worked so *hard* to dig the fuck up over the past 3 years. Pack up a Lenox house, lose my ability to realize which part of myself I'm reacting from. Wrap up a celestial knick-knack, there goes my newfound realization that it ain't all about sex.

Well, this isn't *entirely* ridiculous and unfounded. The last time I lived with people (Shayne notwithstanding), I sublimated myself to them. I decorated how I thought they wanted me to. I specifically chose things with an eye towards compromise. Even at Shayne's, pretty much everything there was his, and not to my own tastes at all, so it never really felt like *home*. Living in my parent's house was *never* my own style. So, blckwngdorcl notwithstanding, this is the first place that has really ever been all me. Even the apartment that was just mine before blckwngdorcl moved in wasn't really set up like I wanted, 'cause I didn't have the means to do it then. I *LOVE* this apartment. It's me. It's blckwngdorcl. It's both of us. And all those places where I gave up my own desires relating to my living area, I was also giving up the pieces of myself that should have been standing up and doing what *I* wanted to do. The two things are only technically related, since they both stem from a place where I don't feel like I deserve to get what I want. But one doesn't equal the other, not really. Still, it's how I felt.

I'm just really scared that I'm more fragile than I appear. That all these changes I've made recently haven't quite sunken in, and that anything that upsets the balance, like having to pack up these symbolic pieces of myself, will make all these improvements backslide. I *don't* want that to happen. I don't want to be the person I was, to sublimate myself to others again, to lose myself.

I think I kinda had an idea of this when the idea of moving in together was first brought up. I knew enough to basically verbalize all of this, but I wasn't feeling it as strongly as I was the other day in bed. I also didn't realize the symbolic connection I had going on with the stuff in my house.

However, it's not like it wasn't brought up at ALL. simplysakka and I spent a lot of time talking about dynamics of the house, and I told her that I knew my tendencies to play mom, to try to make everything OK for the people I live with, at the expense of myself. I told her that this would actually be good for me, because it would give me an opportunity to live it all over again, but to make better, more self-affirming choices this time. I also told her that I might distance myself from her dramas at times, because I'd be resisting the urge to get in there and fix everything, and that she shouldn't take that as me not caring, but as me trying to teach myself a new mode of behavior. (I'm heavily paraphrasing all this, of course.) And, all that stuff is still true. It's perhaps even more true, now that I know exactly what I'm fighting against.

Having had a cathartic weep over the whole issue actually makes me feel somewhat better about it. It's kinda like it's taken the edge off the fear.

Anyway, we went and did a walk-through of the place last week. It's fucking beautiful. The backyard is to DIE for, it has a fireplace, big kitchen, office space, a good place for the cats' litter box, even. The only drawback is the lack of closet space, really. I still haven't decided whether to take the larger bedroom with the smaller closet, or the smaller bedroom with the larger closet. Not quite sure what to do about that. Anyway, the place is beautiful, and close to stuff, and altogether a good thing. It even has good energy, and the backyard is private enough to walk around naked. Not to mention that the previous owners had a habit of feeding the wild beasties, including a raccoon called Babyface, that they said would probably start coming back around if we put food out for him. Heh. I already feed the stray/outdoor cats around here.

It was actually my intention, at blckwngdorcl's suggestion, to talk about this with simplysakka and wyzard_vyrnahnn when we were at dinner after the walk-through, but blckwngdorcl and I were having issues of our own at the time, which pretty much took up all my emotional energy, and made me a little standoffish, 'cause I was being a bit protective of myself, and having to cut myself off a bit to be able to deal with what was going on. As a result, none of this came out. I'm sure they'll read it both here, which is basically just as good, and we can all talk about it later.

I'm still not sure what to do about the house. I can already tell very little of me will be involved. I don't have much in the lines of living room furniture, and what little I do have won't look very good with what's there. My Lenox will not only not really match the kitchen, but won't fit. Pretty much the only space I'll have free reign in is our bedroom and the bathroom, which also doubles as the guest bathroom. I'm half tempted to just pack up all my stuff, and keep in safely in storage until the time I can have a house I can decorate myself again, but I haven't yet decided if that's reactionary or petty yet. Even so, it may be the most practical thing to do. We've only committed to two years, by which time all our debts, with the exception of car payments, and what I owe my dad, will be paid. We should be able to get a house at that point. We'll see. A lot can happen in two years, so we're kinda keeping our options open.

So, anyway, I'm not sure exactly what the end of this story is. I don't think I'll really know till it happens. Like I said, I fear it less, now that it's out in the open, so maybe that'll make it not so bad. Maybe knowing really IS half the battle. And, certainly, the company will be good, and the financial improvements can't be overlooked.

Nothing more to do but leap into the unknown, I guess.

Comments

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Sorry it took so long to get back to you... Been busy, as usual.

Same here, for at least another week or so... But I see that light at the end of the tunnel--April 15th is right around the corner!

Why don't you (and wyzard_vyrnahnn) come over Wednesday night, like you said. blckwngdorcl and I will both be home, and we can talk all this over.

That sounds awesome. I am pretty sure wyzard_vyrnahnn will be available. They have him working days, mostly.

I can make some cheap-ass dinner - burgers, or spaghetti, or something like that, and we can get stuff mostly decided.

Let me know if you'd like me to bring anything. I know that blckwngdorcl doesn't eat salad, and wyzard_vyrnahnn could care less about having one, but if you'd like one, I can toss a nice one up for us...

We also sat around tonight and budgeted ourselves through the end of paying off all debts except my car and my dad. Looks like we'll be square with everyone by March 2004. Woo hoo for that!

*VERY* cool. That must be a good feeling, to know that you will soon be financially solvent. We are hoping that saving the extra money by living in the house with you guys will allow us to pay off our cars sooner, and indulge in more of those exotic vacations that we so enjoy!

Of late, we have decided that every extra penny we have over and above bills and food is going in the savings account for June's expenses. I am thinking moving expenses, the double rent we will be paying, and the security deposit. I paid awesomefemme's rent for this month, and she just got a job, so at the end of the month, when she gets her security deposit back, that amount will go into savings. And I let scyllacat borrow some money as well, for her bankruptcy proceedings, so when she pays me back, there is more to go in. One more of my friends owes me money, and I am going to ask him for it to be paid back by May 15th.

We already deposited wyzard_vyrnahnn's severance pay from TRU, and my last weekend's paycheck from the accounting office. Next weekend's will go in there as well. We shouldn't need much money for our trip over his birthday weekend, just gas and food. And we still aren't sure about my brother and mother's situation for the month of July until her social security kicks in for August, so we may have to help out financially there until they are on their feet. But I don't see a problem. It feels good not to have to worry about money. Do you know how long it has been since *that* has happened for us? (grin)

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