Fears and Changes

[bookofmirrors]

Actually, it's two different posts, neither of which I feel particularly inspired to make right now, so I hope it doesn't come out as disjointed gibberish.

I'm actually going to write about the more recent event, 'cause it's more pertinent to my life in the real world right now. As I may or may not have mentioned, blckwngdorcl and I are moving into a house with simplysakka and wyzard_vyrnahnn in a couple of months.

So, I'm lying in bed with blckwngdorcl one afternoon, looking around at our apartment, knowing how much care I've put into it, how much fun I've had decorating it (when we've had the money and the time), and all the things that are in my head to do to it, but that I haven't done, because we either ran out of time or money, or, more recently, 'cause I knew we were gonna be moving soon. This is the first apartment I've been able to really have free rein with. blckwngdorcl and I have almost frightenly similar decorating tastes, and for the most part, he lets me run with it, anyway. The apartment is decorated just quirky enough to suit me, and just nice enough to not look like a college pad. The master bedroom and bathroom are all done in jewel tones of green and purple, our favorite colors, so it reflects both of us equally and wonderfully. The living room is all navy, gold, and silver, with a celestial theme. This incorporates our household name, The Dreaming, and is also on the witchy side, which pleases both of us. The sunroom (which I've not been able to finish) is full of blue and white lights, celestial hangings, and was going to have lotsa sparklies hanging from the ceiling to make it into a fairy-night-wonderland. The computer/altar room has shelves in the primary element colors on the appropriate walls, and the curtains, which never got hung up, were supposed to reflect that theme. And my kitchen is entirely based on the Lenox houses that were popular about 10 years ago. I have damn near the whole set. I LOVE this apartment. It's in a great location, has great energy, has a beautiful outdoors, and the office people are very nice. It's the first apartment since I was married to Leo that I've actually had all my stuff unpacked and placed out.

So, I'm lying there, contemplating all this, at the time having no idea what the new place was like, and I started lamenting that I didn't want to move. I hate moving anyway. I hate having to put the cats through it again, especially after I told them that this apartment would be the last one, and the next move we would make would be into our own home. I hate the thought of putting all the stuff I love into boxes, and putting it away, not to be seen again until we get our own place again. I hate having to compromise again.

So, I'm lying in bed, telling blckwngdorcl all this, just *sobbing* about it. And, in the process of verbalizing it, the real issue comes out. Which, of course, just made me cry even harder, and longer.

It's not about the stuff. It's not about full creative license on decorations. I identify a great deal with my household. It reflects a great deal on me, and my ease, or lack thereof, is directly proportional to the state of my living space. No wonder, then, that all this *stuff* becomes symbolic of my Self. The thought of packing up my stuff in boxes (in favor of someone else's stuff) equates in my mind to packing away my very individuality, my sense of Self. In other words, everything I've worked so *hard* to dig the fuck up over the past 3 years. Pack up a Lenox house, lose my ability to realize which part of myself I'm reacting from. Wrap up a celestial knick-knack, there goes my newfound realization that it ain't all about sex.

Well, this isn't *entirely* ridiculous and unfounded. The last time I lived with people (Shayne notwithstanding), I sublimated myself to them. I decorated how I thought they wanted me to. I specifically chose things with an eye towards compromise. Even at Shayne's, pretty much everything there was his, and not to my own tastes at all, so it never really felt like *home*. Living in my parent's house was *never* my own style. So, blckwngdorcl notwithstanding, this is the first place that has really ever been all me. Even the apartment that was just mine before blckwngdorcl moved in wasn't really set up like I wanted, 'cause I didn't have the means to do it then. I *LOVE* this apartment. It's me. It's blckwngdorcl. It's both of us. And all those places where I gave up my own desires relating to my living area, I was also giving up the pieces of myself that should have been standing up and doing what *I* wanted to do. The two things are only technically related, since they both stem from a place where I don't feel like I deserve to get what I want. But one doesn't equal the other, not really. Still, it's how I felt.

I'm just really scared that I'm more fragile than I appear. That all these changes I've made recently haven't quite sunken in, and that anything that upsets the balance, like having to pack up these symbolic pieces of myself, will make all these improvements backslide. I *don't* want that to happen. I don't want to be the person I was, to sublimate myself to others again, to lose myself.

I think I kinda had an idea of this when the idea of moving in together was first brought up. I knew enough to basically verbalize all of this, but I wasn't feeling it as strongly as I was the other day in bed. I also didn't realize the symbolic connection I had going on with the stuff in my house.

However, it's not like it wasn't brought up at ALL. simplysakka and I spent a lot of time talking about dynamics of the house, and I told her that I knew my tendencies to play mom, to try to make everything OK for the people I live with, at the expense of myself. I told her that this would actually be good for me, because it would give me an opportunity to live it all over again, but to make better, more self-affirming choices this time. I also told her that I might distance myself from her dramas at times, because I'd be resisting the urge to get in there and fix everything, and that she shouldn't take that as me not caring, but as me trying to teach myself a new mode of behavior. (I'm heavily paraphrasing all this, of course.) And, all that stuff is still true. It's perhaps even more true, now that I know exactly what I'm fighting against.

Having had a cathartic weep over the whole issue actually makes me feel somewhat better about it. It's kinda like it's taken the edge off the fear.

Anyway, we went and did a walk-through of the place last week. It's fucking beautiful. The backyard is to DIE for, it has a fireplace, big kitchen, office space, a good place for the cats' litter box, even. The only drawback is the lack of closet space, really. I still haven't decided whether to take the larger bedroom with the smaller closet, or the smaller bedroom with the larger closet. Not quite sure what to do about that. Anyway, the place is beautiful, and close to stuff, and altogether a good thing. It even has good energy, and the backyard is private enough to walk around naked. Not to mention that the previous owners had a habit of feeding the wild beasties, including a raccoon called Babyface, that they said would probably start coming back around if we put food out for him. Heh. I already feed the stray/outdoor cats around here.

It was actually my intention, at blckwngdorcl's suggestion, to talk about this with simplysakka and wyzard_vyrnahnn when we were at dinner after the walk-through, but blckwngdorcl and I were having issues of our own at the time, which pretty much took up all my emotional energy, and made me a little standoffish, 'cause I was being a bit protective of myself, and having to cut myself off a bit to be able to deal with what was going on. As a result, none of this came out. I'm sure they'll read it both here, which is basically just as good, and we can all talk about it later.

I'm still not sure what to do about the house. I can already tell very little of me will be involved. I don't have much in the lines of living room furniture, and what little I do have won't look very good with what's there. My Lenox will not only not really match the kitchen, but won't fit. Pretty much the only space I'll have free reign in is our bedroom and the bathroom, which also doubles as the guest bathroom. I'm half tempted to just pack up all my stuff, and keep in safely in storage until the time I can have a house I can decorate myself again, but I haven't yet decided if that's reactionary or petty yet. Even so, it may be the most practical thing to do. We've only committed to two years, by which time all our debts, with the exception of car payments, and what I owe my dad, will be paid. We should be able to get a house at that point. We'll see. A lot can happen in two years, so we're kinda keeping our options open.

So, anyway, I'm not sure exactly what the end of this story is. I don't think I'll really know till it happens. Like I said, I fear it less, now that it's out in the open, so maybe that'll make it not so bad. Maybe knowing really IS half the battle. And, certainly, the company will be good, and the financial improvements can't be overlooked.

Nothing more to do but leap into the unknown, I guess.

Comments

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Hey angel... ((((HUG)))))

I am glad you made this post, and I am sure you and G know that R and I are struggling with a lot of the same issues. I don't want to short-circuit your creativity or your energy in the new place in any way, and I understand your thread on the matter... The place is not *huge* but comfortable, and we will be doing well enough just managing to find a place for our furniture to all fit.

On a side note, I *did* get your message... You and scyllacat have almost the EXACT same phone voice and I mistook your message as being from her, since you never actually identified yourself (and with me, I understand, you shouldn't have to *need* to)... So I called her and left her a message telling her I got her message (now isn't THAT confusing? She must be wondering what the hell I am talking about) and it was only later, after having listened to the voice mail again that I realized it was YOU... LOL! And yes, we should definitely pow-wow about all of these things...

Two things I want to mention to you, one is in response to your LJ post, and the other is simple business... Deb and Ken want a pet deposit of $500.00 (due on June 1st with our security deposit and first month's rent) due to the number of cats we will have about. Let me know if you need help with this, I am pretty certain we can, since we are already saving up for the double rent we will be paying in June. The second thing is, we are only signing a one-year lease. So you can breathe easier, you don't have to commit to two years if you don't want to. R and I are willing to commit to two years, because, well, we aren't going anywhere. And we *really* like the house and the location.

We wanted you and G to move in because, in all honesty, there isn't anyone else that we would feel as comfortable living with. And as we both know, when you live with others, compromises have to be made... I am certainly willing. I want the house to be a safe and comfortable (and *creative*) place for all of us. I guess my only wish is to avoid clutter, since we have been living in such clutter for so long... But other than that, the decor and everything don't really matter to me. As a matter of fact, I'd like you to run wild with the dining area. The only thing I am really contributing to the living room is the actual living room furniture; I'd appreciate your touch there, as well... I *adore* green and purple, and the celestial theme appeals to me as well... As a matter of fact, when I lived with David and Scarlett, our living room was done in the celestial theme.

These are, of course, all things we need to discuss in person, and we will. This is a busy time for me, being the end of tax season... And we are still struggling to put out the first issue of BelleCurve magazine... So my time is practically eaten up just at the moment. But I want to meet with you this upcoming week about all of these things... Are you free Wednesday? I have an appointment at the spa at 3:00 p.m., and I am available whenever that is over. I will call you and we can set something up.

I am like you, the house is just beautiful, and has wonderful energy, to which we can only contribute to. I can't see this in any way being a bad thing (particularly, as you pointed out, financially) but I, too, feel a sense of unknown since we have basically both maintained our own residences for some time now. I am not concerned. I know we will work through any issues we have, to truly make the place "OURS" and not just yours or mine or his or his.

I love you. I will call you soon.

Hugs always,
~Sakka~

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Sorry it took so long to get back to you... Been busy, as usual.

Why don't you (and wyzard_vyrnahnn) come over Wednesday night, like you said. blckwngdorcl and I will both be home, and we can talk all this over. I've actually already come to a few conclusions, but we can discuss that then. I can make some cheap-ass dinner - burgers, or spaghetti, or something like that, and we can get stuff mostly decided. We also sat around tonight and budgeted ourselves through the end of paying off all debts except my car and my dad. Looks like we'll be square with everyone by March 2004. Woo hoo for that!

One of the things that blckwngdorcl and I discussed was the living room decorations. The more I get to thinking about it, the more I DON'T want the living room we all share to be a celestial theme. The reason we have a celestial theme in this apartment is because we call our household The Dreaming, so, of course, it all had to be celestial, in keeping with our house. When we move in together, we'll no longer be living in The Dreaming. It will be something else entirely, that reflects ALL of us, not just some of us. I'd rather work from there, and maybe we could all discuss a different scheme.

I've actually given the name of our household some thought. (I like naming households.) :) Seems like the common denominator for the 4 of us is creativity. (Not sure how, or if, this applies to Ernest...) You have your writing as your creativity. wyzard_vyrnahnn has art. blckwngdorcl has music. I'm in the process of creating mySelf. Maybe Ernest would be creating a life, moving into adulthood and all that. But, I was thinking we could call our household something that had to do with that? "Souzousei" is "creativity" in Japanese. I thought that might be a possibility. I'm certainly willing to entertain other thoughts, though.

I'd also like to hear what's been discussed with Ernest, and when he's coming down next, so we can start including him on all these discussions.

Heeeeeey........ You've got lots of codes.... That boy needs a LiveJournal! Hee hee hee...

Oh, and the $500 pet deposit isn't an issue. We figured out how to budget for it. :)

See you Wednesday!

Oh, and I need the address and such for the house, and the full names of the landlords, for when I start getting money orders. You can email me privately with that, of course, or bring it all on Wednesday. I wanna start setting up the utilities as soon as possible.

xoxox

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Sorry it took so long to get back to you... Been busy, as usual.

Same here, for at least another week or so... But I see that light at the end of the tunnel--April 15th is right around the corner!

Why don't you (and wyzard_vyrnahnn) come over Wednesday night, like you said. blckwngdorcl and I will both be home, and we can talk all this over.

That sounds awesome. I am pretty sure wyzard_vyrnahnn will be available. They have him working days, mostly.

I can make some cheap-ass dinner - burgers, or spaghetti, or something like that, and we can get stuff mostly decided.

Let me know if you'd like me to bring anything. I know that blckwngdorcl doesn't eat salad, and wyzard_vyrnahnn could care less about having one, but if you'd like one, I can toss a nice one up for us...

We also sat around tonight and budgeted ourselves through the end of paying off all debts except my car and my dad. Looks like we'll be square with everyone by March 2004. Woo hoo for that!

*VERY* cool. That must be a good feeling, to know that you will soon be financially solvent. We are hoping that saving the extra money by living in the house with you guys will allow us to pay off our cars sooner, and indulge in more of those exotic vacations that we so enjoy!

Of late, we have decided that every extra penny we have over and above bills and food is going in the savings account for June's expenses. I am thinking moving expenses, the double rent we will be paying, and the security deposit. I paid awesomefemme's rent for this month, and she just got a job, so at the end of the month, when she gets her security deposit back, that amount will go into savings. And I let scyllacat borrow some money as well, for her bankruptcy proceedings, so when she pays me back, there is more to go in. One more of my friends owes me money, and I am going to ask him for it to be paid back by May 15th.

We already deposited wyzard_vyrnahnn's severance pay from TRU, and my last weekend's paycheck from the accounting office. Next weekend's will go in there as well. We shouldn't need much money for our trip over his birthday weekend, just gas and food. And we still aren't sure about my brother and mother's situation for the month of July until her social security kicks in for August, so we may have to help out financially there until they are on their feet. But I don't see a problem. It feels good not to have to worry about money. Do you know how long it has been since *that* has happened for us? (grin)

-continued in next comment-

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

The more I get to thinking about it, the more I DON'T want the living room we all share to be a celestial theme. The reason we have a celestial theme in this apartment is because we call our household The Dreaming, so, of course, it all had to be celestial, in keeping with our house. When we move in together, we'll no longer be living in The Dreaming. It will be something else entirely, that reflects ALL of us, not just some of us. I'd rather work from there, and maybe we could all discuss a different scheme.

Good idea. I like the idea of having a "themed" household. We did that at the Ravenwood house. And that Charles Avenue house definitely *begs* for a theme...that place is so rife with energy and personality, I am amazed!

I've actually given the name of our household some thought. (I like naming households.) :) Seems like the common denominator for the 4 of us is creativity. (Not sure how, or if, this applies to Ernest...) You have your writing as your creativity. wyzard_vyrnahnn has art. blckwngdorcl has music. I'm in the process of creating mySelf. Maybe Ernest would be creating a life, moving into adulthood and all that. But, I was thinking we could call our household something that had to do with that? "Souzousei" is "creativity" in Japanese. I thought that might be a possibility. I'm certainly willing to entertain other thoughts, though.

I like the idea of using creativity as the theme. The name isn't as simplistic as I'd like (i.e. your place was called "The Dreaming" and we called Ravenwood "The Coffeehouse Commune")... I would love something that rolls easily off the tongue. Of course, I am a glutton for nicknames too, so we could in effect "name" our place something like "Souzousei" and nickname it something like "The Inspiration" or another easily pronouncable and rememberable term... Or even "Souzousei: The Inspiration" sounds good. We can brainstorm some on that. Good thoughts so far...

I'd also like to hear what's been discussed with Ernest, and when he's coming down next, so we can start including him on all these discussions.

To be honest, I've not been dealing with that issue at all, and I assume that wyzard_vyrnahnn has all the information on his schedule and ETA and all... From what I've gleaned from bits of conversation with him, Ernest will be ready to move in with us as soon as humanly possible. It is my understanding that university isn't working out for him as he would have liked, and he wants some "down" time before trying his hand at second education again. Of course, if he comes down here to live with us, we are going to insist he works and pays part of the household bills, and basically is self-sufficient. He will also be dependent on his dad and myself for transportation for a while, so I am hoping that he will be able to afford a car payment soon after procuring employment.

As far as the decor and layout of the house goes, I honestly don't think he really cares, as long as he gets free reign with his room, and so, since it is apparent that we will be his permanent residence, he will certainly have that.

Ernest is just as spirited a gamer as wyzard_vyrnahnn and blckwngdorcl so I believe the creativity theme fits in well for him, too... Once he comes down, which I hope is before the move so he can help us with it, we will have a pow-wow with him to discuss it all, but my main line of thinking is that since he isn't going to be a major contributor of funds to the rent, utilities, and upkeep of the house, he can be at our mercy as far as our decisions on the house layout and theme. And knowing him, he will be quite happy with whatever we come up with. (His main deal is getting away from his mother--my husband's ex-dragon-I mean wife, and her live-in-assho-I mean boyfriend.)

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[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Heeeeeey........ You've got lots of codes.... That boy needs a LiveJournal! Hee hee hee...

And yes, I do plan on setting him up on LJ as soon as he comes down. But that boy needs some smacking upside the head where the Internet is concerned; it was he that crashed my system last year after he indulged himself in net surfing and loaded my system up with porn cookies and God knows what else...

Oh, and the $500 pet deposit isn't an issue. We figured out how to budget for it. :)

Good to know. So we will just come up with our half of the security deposit and first month's rent, as discussed.

Oh, and I need the address and such for the house, and the full names of the landlords, for when I start getting money orders. You can email me privately with that, of course, or bring it all on Wednesday. I wanna start setting up the utilities as soon as possible.

Something else that Deb and Kevin (I mistakenly called him "Ken" in my last post, because I have friends named Deb and Ken--heh) mentioned to me the last time I spoke with them is that they would like to only put the lease in our name. Therefore, we will be paying them directly, and you and blckwngdorcl can just pay me and wyzard_vyrnahnn. Deb said it was simpler that way, so we will basically be the leasees and you and blckwngdorcl will be sub-leasees under us. I figured that would be fine, since it made it easier for her.

I wanted to ask you about the utilities. I know that wyzard_vyrnahnn and I will probably rent that house for more than one year, possibly quite a number of years, due to the convenient location of it, and the fact that we are in bankruptcy and can't really purchase a house for a while. If we set the utilities up under your name, and you and blckwngdorcl move out in a year, we will have to transfer everything over to our name. I am not sure what kind of fees are involved in this or any of the logistics. And the utils probably can't really be set up until the end of May since we won't be occupying the house until June 1st. I am not sure how you wanted to handle this, but it was something I'd thought about, so we can discuss that on Wednesday...

I need to get the e-mail off to Debra soon with all of our info so she can start drawing up our lease, but I've not had hardly two minutes to rub together in the last week. But I will get that done, probably today at lunchtime. She told me it was no hurry, since we have over a month and a half before we move in. But I am like you, I'd rather go ahead and take care of what needs taking care of, because we will have enough to worry about in June, with all the extra expense and all the moving we will be doing.

Anyway, lots to discuss, looks like we are on the right track with everything, and we will see you guys on Wednesday night... I will call you Wednesday afternoon, once me and wyzard_vyrnahnn are both home to find out when you'd like us to arrive.

Take care, doll (wyzard_vyrnahnn says, "Heyyyyyyy sweetcakes..." wink)

~Sakka~

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I'm basically cool with all that... I'm not entirely pleased to not be on the lease, but I'll get over it.

As far as the utilities go, let me keep 'em. Especially if Comcast is what's in that area, I can get it changed over flawlessly from what we've got, and we can get that package deal, which will kick MUCH ass. Besides, if our names aren't going to be on the lease, I kinda want them somewhere, so we can feel like we've got some ownership in the place. We can worry about changeover fees when the time comes, and I'd even be willing to help out or totally cover all of those when the time comes. We *do* want to stay there the whole two years, at least. We may stay longer - that's just all I'm willing to commit to right *now*.

Hopefully, your other half will talk to Ernest between now and Wednesday, so we can have a better idea of what he's gonna be doing.

Also! When you call Deb and/or Kevin, could you have them give you the dimensions of the two other bedrooms upstairs? We haven't decided yet which one we're taking, and knowing the dimensions would probably help us decide that.

See you tomorrow!

Re:

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

I understand your frustration about not being on the lease; Debra basically said she knew us, or 'me' rather, and wanted to make it simpler, and I told her that whatever she wanted to do was fine. I can send her something in the e-mail about perhaps putting you guys on as sub-leasee's somewhere, and also, since we are renting from people and not a company, I am sure they would be willing to give a reference for you if that was necessary to get into a new place.

That is fine about the utilities. And if you guys are wanting to live there for several years like we do, that doesn't really matter anyway. I just didn't want you to feel "locked down" in any way, and if we are looking out a couple of years at least for us to make any changes, it won't really matter until the time comes, as you said.

I will mention to wyzard_vyrnahnn that he needs to contact the Ernest-creature and find out what his schedule and ETA will be for down here.

I will call Debra today and ask about the two upstairs bedrooms. If I don't talk to her today, I am sure I will talk to her tomorrow. I don't want to call her during work hours, because she tends to be a 'talker' and can get carried away on the phone. I don't like to be rude and cut people off, and she is just as sweet as she can be, so I kind of let her ramble on and on, all the while trying to glean whatever useful information, if any is present, from what she is saying. So I will give her a call tonight, en route to my social engagement.

We look forward to seeing you guys tomorrow!

Hugs,
~Sakka~