Catching Up

[bookofmirrors]

It's been entirely too long that I've been able to sit down at the computer and catch up on this thing. Again, so much to say, and lots of it bubbling in there, very much wanting to get out. So much so that I'm blowing off cleaning up the house (which, by the rest of the world's standards, is probably just fine) so I can sit here and do this. Actually, the house is much cleaner than it has been, so it's not freaking me out to do this.

Anyway, since it's been so long, and since I hear rumors about there being a limit to the number of posts a non-paid account holder can make in a day, this is going to be one extremely long, multi-subject post. So, for ease of viewing on the Friends pages, I'm doing a .

Rather than go back and start from where I left off, like I usually do, I'm gonna work mostly backwards this time. Well, more accurately, it'll be stream of consciousness as far as picking the subjects I'm gonna talk about, but I will try to stay within the same subject matter for each section. :)

First of all, the day to day basics. blckwngdorcl, as you may know, resigned from work as of 02/07/2003. I got laid off the following Monday. Kind of disappointing, but not unexpected, really. I'll get into my personal reactions to the work thing later. Luckily, being an LPN paid off, and I was hired last week to work in this ritzy nursing home that pays $19/hour. Fucking sweet. Really good pay for an LPN in this area, too, so I'm SO not complaining. And, since blckwngdorcl wasn't horribly picky about where he worked, he's also already got a job. Actually, he got two job offers, but turned the first one down, 'cause the distance and pay added up to him making like $4/hour when it was all over. Anyway, he and I work at Starship and Mariner Health, respectively. He starts Monday, I start Wednesday. So, woo hoo! Very short time of unemployment. I'm way good with that. The new job has (so I'm told) great benefits, tuition reimbursement, and all the goodies, which will be nice. In 90 days, when blckwngdorcl's pay increments up, we'll be making just about exactly the same as we were working at e-Lit.

Since it was taking e-Lit so long to pay us, and we had basically written that money off, I had gotten rent money from my dad and grandpa. So, when we finally got our W-2s, and filed our taxes, and found out we were getting a $1400 refund, I was way good with that. I was even better when Emma called and said our final paychecks were in. For being unemployed fucks, we got lots of money this week! So, since our rent was paid off, we were able to pay our utilities, buy a much-needed new washer and dryer (which were delivered yesterday, and have already been put to good use... mmmmmmm.... clean sheets), renew my nursing license, buy groceries to last until one of us gets paid, and buy gas cards to cover us till then, too. Ditto for cat food/litter. And, we actually got to buy some frivolous shit. blckwngdorcl got a picture he's been wanting for years, which looks rather out of place on the wall we ended up hanging it on, but it'll do for now. We're moving at the end of our lease, anyway.

So, despite the major upheaval of our lives, things seem to be running pretty damn smoothly. Looking back, it was almost all too easy. I guess being prepared for it (as much as one ever can be) helped a lot. It was an extremely BUSY three weeks, though. Looking for a job, going to interviews, printing out resumes, taking time to visit people we don't normally get to see, arranging our finances... doesn't sound like much on virtual paper, but we were jumping pretty much the entire time. Well, except for Valentine's Day. :) Christmas gift certificates allowed us to see Daredevil the day it came out, and to have overpriced movie hot dogs and popcorn as lunch. Hey, you make do with what you can when you can. It was a good time.

One thing we did that took up three days of our time was a sexuality workshop we went to. http://www.core-energetics-south.com, for the interested.

What to say about the workshop. Much of it defies description. Oh, I could say the words, but they wouldn't come close to expressing the energy of the whole thing, so anything I write would completely pale next to the real thing. Nevertheless, I'm going to try, because it was all just too incredible not to share.

The first day of the workshop was really just a little mini-lecture on Friday night. To be honest, I'm not sure if I remember much about what was said. It kinda gave an overview of the things that were gonna be happening over the next two days, and talked about family dynamics that lead to sexual issues in adults. Basically, it was Freud, Core-style. Oedipus complex and all that. Again, that makes it seem trite (when I took psychology, Freud's theories weren't particularly revered), but it made perfect sense when explained with the Core perspective. Hard to do it justice here without the diagrams. But, the idea is that, as a child starts to develop/discover sexual energy, it ends up being directed towards the opposite-sex parent (not sure if it's the same for homosexual children). It's the duty of the same-sex parent to nurture the child's blossoming sexuality in a healthy way, to basically show them that the energy is a positive thing, and to allow them to play with it, experience it in a manner that doesn't create a sexually abusive situation for the child. It's the responsibility of the adults not to exploit the energy (by physically or emotionally engaging in sex with the child), but to also nurture the energy, and let the child know it's a good thing to have, and isn't to be ashamed of.

This is the ideal family, of course, which pretty much no one had.

Instead, we're taught that experiencing pleasure is evil, something to suffer for. Some more than others, of course. So, we spent a great deal of the workshop experiencing pleasure, being re/assured that it was *OK* to do that. Also, a lot of energy work, bringing the energy from the genital to the heart area, to more fully experience that energy. It was amazing, really. Impossible to describe the sensations. Don't get me wrong. It's not like we spent a weekend masturbating. We experienced the pleasure in things like dancing - for ourselves, for each other, for the rest of the group. I haven't had that much pure FUN in a long time. And the atmosphere of the place really allowed you to ENJOY the fun, without letting the rest of the world get in the way.

Don't get me wrong - it was a lot of work, too. One of the hardest parts for me was to allow myself to be encompassed by the women. I don't get along with women well, for the most part. All sorts of mother issues. But one of the things we did was to gather up in groups by gender and claim our gender, so to speak (all my words). It was hard for me to admit I was one of the women, that I belonged to them. It was both scary and a relief to do so. It makes many things clearer to me about my relationship with my own mother, and how that relationship has damaged my outlook on women in general, including myself. I've taken great pride in not being like other women, and I'm not so sure that's true any more - or ever was. I'd still like to think I'm unique, though. :)

One of the things we did was have a couples dumb feast. Basically, blckwngdorcl and I had to feed each other, without saying anything. We were supposed to concentrate on the pleasure of it all, both for ourselves, and to observe our partner while they experienced the same pleasure. We both found it very erotic, as well. It was also nice for me to have a positive experience around food, where I wasn't feeling guilty about every bite that I ate, or worrying about my weight.

Another thing we did was to feel ourselves with the other person. Basically, rubbing up against them with various parts of our body, for the sole purpose of feeling how our bodies felt when doing that.

I'm writing all this, and it's just words. I can't describe how fucking incredible the whole thing was. Bottom line is this: I can be around blckwngdorcl without feeling this desperate urge to fuck him, or to have him want to fuck me. I don't need that validation any more. And, in addition, when I touch him, or look at him, or make a lustful comment, he enjoys it. He doesn't run. And, more often than not, he gives back as good as he gets. He looks at me with lust as well as love in his eyes. It's like I've been given parts of myself and my husband that neither of us quite knew how to get to, even if we did suspect they were there to begin with.

There's another workshop next year, again, in February. Check out the website I posted above. It's expensive, and worth every single penny. Mark your calendar now, and start saving up for it. You'll never regret it.



Actually, on a somewhat-related topic, I've decided to become a vegetarian. Mostly for health factors. Of course, I found out today that I can't always be strict with that. I went out with Rob and company for his birthday to Razoos, and there was only one thing on the menu that didn't have meat in it, and I really wasn't interested in that. So, I got the combo platter, and that was OK. I did have deep-fried pickles, though. I mean, that was just so very WRONG that I had to try them. They weren't horrible, but I probably won't bother repeating the experience. Anyway, I'm trying to be healthier in general. Hoping to lose weight in the process, but overall, just trying to slow down, think about the choices I'm making, and make them with some forethought. So far, I'm not doing half-bad at it. We'll see what's to come.

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I've discovered that there are many people I'd like to spend more time with, elorie most of all, and I'm having trouble finding time enough in the day, week, whatever, to do so. I would think that starting a new job in a couple of days would actually make that harder, but I'm hoping it will make it easier, once I get over the initial adjustment to the new schedule. I'm hoping once I'm used to the new schedule it will make my life more stable, and I'll be able to plan things better. Having the new washer and dryer will certainly help, too, since things won't get piled up and overwhelm me. Part of my problem is that I'm selfish when I spend time with other people. I don't want to go to someone's house and spend an hour and leave. In Atlanta, that's barely worth the trip, from a strictly time-wise point of view. When I spend time with someone I want to not have to worry about when I need to leave, what I need to do, whatever. I think that's been the main problem with this past week or so. I've been so busy doing the job thing that the house has been neglected, and anyone can tell you how crazy that makes me. So, I come home kinda discouraged to be in a filthy house, and too tired from the day's activities to do anything about it. So, I finally get a day to myself, and am able to do that, and it's gotten overwhelming and discouraging by then, and I want blckwngdorcl to help me, so I'm waiting for him to wake up, and in the meantime, I get out of the mood to clean. Of course, I could fix all this by just deciding to do it myself, not care if I'm loud enough to wake him, or give up sleep and other things to clean the house, but none of those things seem particularly healthy, either. I've just recently gotten to the point where I've been able to ask for/admit I want help cleaning the house at all, so I'm kinda on the other side of the pendulum on that one. So, what it all boils down to is me feeling guilty about enjoying myself when I know I should be cleaning the house. Who wouldn't rather spend time doing things they enjoy with people they love rather than clean the house? I guess I just want my time with my friends to be "pure", unsullied by thoughts that I should be elsewhere, doing something else. Which, in and of itself, isn't a bad thing. I've been trying to spend time with people. The cell phones have helped. When we've been out doing stuff, and in the neighborhood of someone we know, we've been calling them up and asking them to join us for lunch or whatever, and that's been good. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're reading this, and I know you in real life, it's a pretty good bet I'd love to spend some time with you, so don't think that just becuase I haven't called or seemed enthusiastic about getting together, that it's any indication of how I feel about you. I'm just trying to enjoy all the aspects of my life, and am still trying to figure out how to do it all without neglecting stuff, and most of the time, I'm erring on the side of exhaustion.

That, and blckwngdorcl is SO much fun to be with, I sometimes am with him to the exclusion of others. I'm finding I need that less and less post-workshop, though. :)

On a side note, both the CDs I have listed below are pretty fucking awesome.

Actually, I think I'll post this, and make another separate post for the next thing.