On Being a Tease vs. Putting Out

[bookofmirrors]

Well, that doesn't QUITE cover it, but I think that's what I equate it with, when it all comes down to it.

For anyone who's wondering, this is gonna be the post that I alluded to in my earlier post about The Dreaming, and in my response to jupitercornwall in his LJ quiz thing. And many thanks to ngtflyer and blckwngdorcl for doing the geek thing by themselves and letting me come home to make this post, while I was still, at least mostly, in the right frame of mind. :)



I have noticed something about myself in the not-so-recent past. I have trouble being in the moment. This may come as a surprise to some people. Hell, it came as a surprise to me, which perhaps isn't saying much. Interestingly enough, though, I've only noticed it in a couple of situations.

The first, which is more generic, and more benign, and possibly a copout to get out of situations I'm not in the mood to be in in the first place, is my desire to be near blckwngdorcl, and to sleep in my own bed. To some extent, these two are combined. However, I remember a time, in college, when me and a bunch of friends went over to someone's house to watch A Clockwork Orange, and were basically up all night. I think everyone was planning on crashing there. There was certainly enough crash space, the people were willing, and I felt safe there, as far as I remember. At the time when we were all about ready to fall asleep, I was almost frantic to get home (to my dorm). I was close to being hysterical about it, and ended up calling a cab. My roommates ended up going with me, and I felt bad about that, 'cause it didn't matter to me if they stayed there or not. I just needed to sleep in my own bed. I think, however, that there may have been a sense of wanting to be available for Leo to call me, too, although he certainly never would have at that time of day (about 5-6am), so if that was on my mind, it was completely irrational. At any rate, I don't particularly like spending the night at someone else's house, in a bed not my own. This doesn't apply to my parents' house, for whatever reason. Maybe because they've built the same house, with a few improvements each time, for the past 3 moves, and I lived in the first incarnation, so it's familiar to me, as is the bed I sleep on there. It was also something that made me know blckwngdorcl was The One, 'cause I felt absolutely comfortable with him on our first date, when I spent the night with him. I slept like a baby, in his arms.

The second part of this, the wanting-to-be-with-my-significant-other part, is somewhat disturbing. It speaks of a dependence that I really don't wish to cultivate, and there have been times I really wanted to get back to him, on the off chance that he might want to be with me. (I realize how that sounds, and I don't mean it like that... it's probably a throwback to Fig.) And really, I think this particular trait was in full swing when I lived with Fig. Granted, left to my own devices, I'm a total homebody. I love to sit on the computer, watch movies, and when I'm in the mood for it, I actually don't mind cleaning the house. My ideal situation in housekeeping goodness was when Fig and I lived together, and he worked every Sunday. I would clean the house, top to bottom spotless, while he was gone. In between cleaning, or as a reward to myself, I would also spend hours talking to fesser online. I had the place to myself, and enjoyed it. I actually complained on more than one occassion to his manager when they took him off that schedule. But other than Sundays, I was loathe to leave the house. Fig might want me. Didn't matter what for. I mean, I was usually hoping it was to suck his dick, but I wanted to be there for him, to do whatever. I think, looking back on it, I was very clingy in that sense, even though I wasn't actually clinging - I was just making sure I was available. There was this guy, Dwane, in Chicago that I met online, and dated briefly while I was with Fig. I eventually stopped talking to him, not because there was anything wrong with our relationship - he was fascinating, smart, creative, very good in bed, and had a huge dick - but because it took me away from Fig for long periods of time. I still feel bad about that. I never offered him any explanation for it, just allowed it to drift apart. I added his AOL name to my Trillian the other day, on the off chance that he still used it. Actually saw him online, but he didn't answer me. Probably didn't recognize the screenname. Maybe I'll email him someday. But yeah, it was all about being there for Fig, who really didn't want me in that sense. I mean, I think he kinda enjoyed me being there at his beck and call to some extent, but I also know for a fact (because he told me) that he wished I'd get out more, and not just hang out with him. Now that I think of it... hmmmm... a relationship very similar, in some respects, to my roommates. Must ponder that later. Mirror, Mirror...

Anyway, I cling unobtrusively. blckwngdorcl has commented on it before, too, I think (although not in so many words). I'll not allow myself to get lost in a moment if that moment doesn't involve my significant other. Sometimes even when he's in favor of my having that moment, whatever it may be. I actually have less of a problem with this when I'm with someone and we both understand that sex is on the agenda. It's easy to lose yourself in sex. (I'm going to somewhat contradict this statement in my next point, so be prepared.) This isn't healthy. blckwngdorcl and I are individuals. We have a lot of interests in common, but there are some things that we don't share a joy in. Of course, I have this great desire to share everything with him. If I find joy in something, I want to share it with him. Not the something, specifically, but the joy itself. At any rate, I once described the ideal romantic relationship (which I think I have) as the whole being greater than the sum of the parts. Not 0.5 + 0.5 = 1, as in the two are one, but 1 + 1 = 3, as in we're each whole unto ourselves, but the two of us combined are incredible. And that's really the kind of relationship I want to be in. And, last I heard, so does he. So this whole sacrificing myself for him really doesn't work for either of our ideals.

The funny thing is, I don't feel like I'm sacrificing at the time. It's an easy distraction from myself. I don't have to be me, if I can immerse myself in an us. Big Libra tendency. But not a good one, the way I'm doing it. It's an excuse, and one I'm going to try not to make anymore. Feel free to call me on this in the future, if I'm visiting any of you, and I use the "Oh, I need to get home to my husband" excuse. Chances are, I'm feeling anxious, or I'm using it as a white lie when I don't want to admit to myself that I'm uncomfortable in a given situation. Which isn't to say I'm not enjoying myself. Sometimes, I might feel that I'm enjoying myself too much. How fucked up is that?

Anyway, that's part of it. But, if you notice, none of that addresses the subject line I used. It's another facet of it, to be sure, and once I started writing about it, it would seem that it troubled me more than I realized. I didn't expect that section to be nearly so long.

But the putting out/tease thing...

I've noticed, mostly at the Vulgar Labrynth, mostly with jupitercornwall and druidnaogma that I have trouble losing myself in the moment. As I said earlier, I'm going to contradict myself, because this tendency happens mostly in sexual moments. I've had it with other people, too, but I noticed most at the last party I went to there. If someone approaches me sexually, and there hasn't been something established that's pretty concrete about going "all the way", I tend to hold back. I enjoy the kissing, touching, ogling, casually sexual remarks, but I don't let myself get lost in them. I hold back. There's something inside me that doesn't want to lead someone on, and somewhere along the lines, I somehow equated that sort of play with all-out sex. This even applies to people that I actually want to have sex with, and are on the "OK" list to do so. If I think it's not really going to happen, I hold back. This applies if I know that they aren't going to pursue it totally, for whatever reason, or if I simply have limited resources (not enough time, not enough condoms, not enough lack of menstruation or ovulation), or they do, or whatever else I perceive as a barrier to all-out sex.

Which is allsortsa silly. Kissing/fondling/etc. do not equal sex, and I'd be appalled if anyone suggested that it did. But I've somehow gotten it into my head that it does. And if I can't go there, I hold back from the kissing or whatnot.

This is just stupid. I mean, kissing is FUN. I like kissing, and touching, and all that. I mean, damn. It's fun for its OWN sake. And NOTHING else need come of it. And certainly, I've really not gotten the impression that anyone will think less of me if I were to establish certain boundaries, such as kissing, but no further. And hell, that's not even the CASE. Most the people I've kissed, and am willing to kiss, I would fuck, too. So what's my fucking problem?

And I know I wasn't always that way. I remember at one of chalice66's fabulous parties, making out with captain_bob for a long time. It got hot and heavy, and we were both enjoying ourselves very much. I wasn't holding back then, and people actually asked us to back off a bit, because we were making some people uncomfortable. It wasn't that kind of party. Hee... Granted, I was drunk, and decided, much later, that I really wasn't willing to go there with him. Not to mention the fact that blckwngdorcl and I were still in the early stages of our relationship, and not too terribly long after, decided to not be poly for a while until we dealt with our own shit. (There was no connection between what happened at the party and our decision, by the way.) Maybe I still feel guilty about that? I had corresponded via email with captain_bob for a while after that, and kinda did him like I did Dwane. Just sorta let it fizzle out. I rarely see him anymore, and I've never really talked to him about it. Hmmmm... maybe that's weighing heavier on me than I think. The fact that I recently tried to contact Dwane again, and the parallels there would certainly point to that. Certainly this post has been buzzing around in my head for a while.

Anyway, I think that's really all I have to say about that. It would seem I need to sit down and have coffee with captain_bob and maybe send an email to Dwane. I see the former at tc_borderpagans quite a bit lately... maybe then. The thought is scary. I can feel the fear in myself as I write this. Which, of course, means I REALLY need to do it. And, I hope, means I've also gotten to the core of the issue. Or at least the first layer of it. Nothing else I've pondered has given me this reaction, so I must be on to something.

Anyway, if any of you have noticed me holding back in these situations, I hope this helps as an explanation. It wasn't YOU, it was ME. And, if you feel me doing it again, feel free to call me on it. I didn't really understand it very well before, but I'm hoping that gentle reminders will work if I start doing it again.

Anyway, thanks if you've gotten this far. :)

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Hi K'la it's Michelle. Yes, I'm still reading your journal. I was just thinking that you sound like you really do want to be monogamous. Maybe it's just my thinking. I know you are doing these sexual acts, but you seem to really love Glenn so much and maybe you're having these thoughts because you don't really want to be with these other people. I just can not see the point in being poly when you're in-love with someone. I'm not trying to persaude you differently, but it's just so unfathomable for me to understand or even feel. I will be honest- I have had thoughts before and I have cheated on an old boyfriend. I felt like he didn't love me and it was basically over. I pretty much knew he was going with someone else. I just can't imagine spreading my body like that to someone else. I have even tried to have a three-way in the past with someone I had been in-love with and someone else, but couldn't really go through with it. It hurt so bad to do this in front of the other person. Could you have these experiences if it were with someone else while your husband watched or participated. It just seems like there may be some excitement at first, but then you have to look at your husband and know that you shared something so intimate with someone else. When I was a teenager I had sex for the pleasure or to make someone else happy, but now it is more sacred than before. I don't like it any better, but it has more meaning now for me. I want to ask a kind of weird question. Are you going to do this up into your old age? Also what about if you have kids, or what if the condom breaks and you get pregnant with someone else's kid besides your husband's? I don't mean to sound rude, but I was just wondering what your thoughts were on these things. I'm sure the child will be loved no matter what, but it does make things complicated for all involved. I was also wondering if you have really thought about getting AIDS or anything else like that. Anybody, no matter how safe you think they are or how safe you may be with condoms, could pass it on. It is kind of like playing russian roulette. I could have it by now- who knows, but I have realised that I don't want to keep playing that game physically or emotionally. I have seen other people in distress emotionally and I don't understand why someone would keep putting themselves through that when they have all they need right there. It would really be a put-down to me if I knew that my loved one went to someone else for that kind of love and for sex. You can love people immensely and not have sex with them or let your heart wonder to physical attraction. I almost crossed the line one time with a girl, but I realised that it wasn't right to feel that and I stopped those feelings. I don't care what people say, you can change your feelings and not act on something. I realised that I loved her as a very good friend and I was being dillusioned. I wanted someone to love and I let my mind wonder. I believe if you allow yourself to think about someone in that fashion for a while, the next thing you know you're obsessing over them. It could be just about anyone I believe. it's just whoever you want to give your heart to, or whoever can make it go pitter pat.

Quick comment:

[zydee.livejournal.com]

I agree with this post except for this:

Also what about if you have kids, or what if the condom breaks and you get pregnant with someone else's kid besides your husband's? I don't mean to sound rude, but I was just wondering what your thoughts were on these things. I'm sure the child will be loved no matter what, but it does make things complicated for all involved.

Not everybody views a live birth as the only logical result of a pregnancy; I realize not everybody shares my views, but the whole "well what if you got PREGNANT?" question is one that pushes some major buttons for me. I know you're not asking it out of the same malicious impulses that drive people to ask ME that when they find out I'm childfree, of course. I'm just sayin'. ;) At least for now, we still have a choice in the matter. At risk of sounding majorly offensive, my answer to that question is, and always will be and always has been, "That's why the gods made abortion so damned easy." If they didn't want us to do it, babies would be like little aliens from V, and trying to get the lil buggers out would like rip out the mother's internal organs or something. ;) Okay, getting more coffee, I'm clearly out of it still.

And I don't think most poly people really give an infant's paternity much thought anyway. I imagine the concept of raising another man's biological child has occurred to most poly men. ;) Not all of us put a lot of store by the genetics of a person, as indeed you've noted.

My my, I'm using a lot of winkies today, aren't I? But yes, I like what Michelle's said. Food for thought.

Cas

[ydnic.livejournal.com]

Not everybody views a live birth as the only logical result of a pregnancy; I realize not everybody shares my views, but the whole "well what if you got PREGNANT?" question is one that pushes some major buttons for me. I know you're not asking it out of the same malicious impulses that drive people to ask ME that when they find out I'm childfree, of course. I'm just sayin'. ;) At least for now, we still have a choice in the matter.

There will *always* be choices as long as there are certain herbs growing.

And then there's adoption, too, the choice that almost everyone seems to forget. But sometimes it's the very best solution.

--Also Childfree by Choice

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes, adoption. :) That's always near and dear to both blckwngdorcl's heart, and mine. Both of us were adopted ourselves, in very different situations. He's been on the other side of the coin already. And yes, I am child-free by choice as well. However, I can't think of anything I'd rather do with my life than to be a mother. I've chosen another path this lifetime (this is the subject of another post, one of these days), and I feel strongly, for myself, that if I have a child, I want to devote myself to him/her. That means being a stay-at-home-mom, and homeschooling. So, until I win the lottery, I don't see children as an option for me. They are soooo precious, and having worked through a lot of issues myself, and seeing other people's issues, there are so many factors to consider. Right now, I don't feel I have the resources available that a child deserves, and I refuse to bring one into this world thoughtlessly. Adoption certainly would be an option, if that were to happen in spite of my precautions, but I don't think I could go through with it. Again, though, it would depend on the situation.

Re: Quick comment:

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Honestly, that's something that blckwngdorcl and I have never really talked about. I use condoms basically for an extra protection measure. As I think I said (just woke up, hard to tell), if I think I actually NEED a condom with someone, I'm not going to have sex with them to begin with. At the time, I was referring to the STD factor. However, I apply the same thing to the possibility of getting pregnant. I've been using a blend of The Billings Method and The Sympto-Thermal Method since 1988 and 1991, respectively. I don't agree with the philosophies of those who teach it (it's mainly taught by the Catholic Church), but it actually does WORK (unlike the Rhythm Method), and I don't have to subject my body to any chemicals or other less natural ways of preventing pregnancy. It works for me, and that's what matters. My point is, I know at what points in my cycle I can get pregnant, and if I'm at that point, one of my rules is no genital-to-genital contact. This doesn't apply with blckwngdorcl, 'cause of his vasectomy, of course. At any rate, I've been successful at avoiding pregnancy for my entire life that I don't think it ever really occured to me that I might get pregnant, and certainly not with anyone besides my husband. We have both talked about the possibility of the two of us getting pregnant (again, nothing but abstinance is 100%), and have said that if it happens, it was obviously meant to be. But I really don't think I've given much thought to having someone else's child. Must talk to him when he gets up.

Thanks, both of you. This is a fabulous thread, and giving me much food for thought! :)

Re: Quick comment:

[elorie.livejournal.com]

No one should be pressured to carry a pregnancy to term if they don't want to. On the other hand, no one should be pressured to have an abortion they don't want, either. And sometimes you don't know until you get there. If you haven't thought through all the possibilities, and allowed for the "oh shit, no I DON'T want an abortion" reaction, then that's just a disaster waiting to happen. People change. Their feelings change, what they want out of life changes. Sometimes on a moment's notice. Shit happens.

I've made both choices, and I know whereof I speak.

Re: Quick comment:

[(Anonymous)]

If you've had an abortion and have had the feelings of guilt and pain that follow, then I don't know how you can still say abortion is right. I have had an abortion too and didn't want to, but was basically forced to like you said.

http://www.prolife.org.uk/abortionThumbnails.htm
http://www.holylamb.com/default2.htm

Re: Quick comment:

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Do not put words in my mouth. I did not say that **I** was forced to do anything.

I don't mind discussing this topic in general. But you are clearly someone who's only interest is pushing your ideological agenda, and I'm not interested. Don't try to act all sympathetic; you don't give a crap about me or my freedom or my life. Back the hell off.

Re: Quick comment:

[(Anonymous)]

I said I was forced or pressured "dummy". I was giving what I feel. Can I not do that? You need to back off and you also need to check that attitude of yours. You seem to have a big chip on your shoulders-especially against Christians. I can speak for slaugtered babies if I want to. They are so innocent and have noone to give them a choice or voice. If you don't like that- tough!!! I was saying that if you have had an abortion, then I don't see how you can still support it- especially if you have a heart. I forget that your kind only looks out for themselves. It all comes down to YOU and YOUR feelings and what YOU want- not for what's MORALLY RIGHT. I turned a blind eye from the murdered babies when I went into the abortion clinic. My mother and I both have to live with this. We were afraid my father would kill us. I see that there was a way out now. I didn't know how my daddy felt about abortion, but he is strongly against it. Things could have been different. Don't get me wrong- my daddy is racist and I was carrying a bi-racial baby, but I see now that it could have been the best thing to happen had I had the baby. I will never again want to kill a baby. I was so selfish- if I have to die for a baby I will. My heart could not live with it again. I chose my life over that baby's life- kind of selfish don't you think. I do have empathy for you- even though you can't see it. I wouldn't want you to have to go through that again. I think that if a woman doesn't want to get pregnant, then she should get fixed and not keep killing babies. That's my solution for abortion. Women should take responsibility, or deal with the consequences. We wouldn't be here if our moms had aborted us. I'm sorry for going on and on.

Re: Quick comment:

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

blckwngdorcl used to have a T-shirt. It said: BOMB TECHNICIAN - If you see me running, try and keep up!

At this point, I don't know if I should try to set an example for others, such that they aren't scorched....

Or if I should go pop some popcorn and get comfortable.

Re: Quick comment:

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

That having been said, I do feel the desire to make a more serious comment to this.

One person's guilt is not another's. Nor should it be. I've never been pregnant, but that doesn't mean I don't have an opinion on this sort of subject. I *am*, in fact, pro-choice. Would I make the choice myself to have an abortion? Right now, without that decision in front of me, I think I probably wouldn't. But I might. You never know. The point is, just because in general, I don't care for the concept when it comes to MYSELF, I believe I have NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to force my own code of morals/ethics/whathaveyou on ANYONE else. I'll be happy to give my opinion on something, but it's tailored to the individual. I might counsel person A to keep a baby because I know that a baby would enrich her (or his) life in a transformative way. I might counsel person B to have an abortion because I know person B has plans for her (or his) life that don't really allow for a child, and, more importantly, for RAISING a child. Perhaps I feel that overpopulation is a huge issue, and that childless couples are childless for a reason and that giving a child up for adoption not only perpetuates the problem of overpopulation, but gives children to people that nature has decided shouldn't have them.

I do not think it's selfish in all cases to choice an abortion over a live birth. Certainly, there are people in the world who use abortion thoughtlessly. Just as there are people in the world who choose live birth thoughtlessly. But there are people who choose abortion wisely, for a myriad of reasons, and there are people who do their homework and do everything to prepare for and love a child they choose to give birth to.

I don't think God (however you define him/her/it/you/me) gets women pregnant in order to bring a child into the world. I think it's just one more chance to make a choice, to create a decision that enriches the world, and enriches themselves. A parent who isn't enriched will not create an enriched child, and the whole world suffers from that ripple effect. A parent who knows they have that choice, and makes an informed choice to have a child and care for it creates enrichment in the world.

Continued

[(Anonymous)]

Those feelings always pass in time, unless you allow them to take over. I know I'm just chatting away on your journal here. I was just curious, but I also thought maybe you would think about my questions and look into yourself and see if maybe you really want monogamy. I don't wish to change you, but I see something else in your words that I don't guess you see, or maybe it's what I want to see. I see you loving Glenn and want to be close to him, but being with others like that seperates you- even though I'm sure you don't see that. Maybe you wouldn't be so clingy if you both had each other as a whole. This is just my take on this and I'm not saying that that is the absolute reason why you feel clingy. I am clingy to Lee too. I do feel I am more clingy when he is distant from me- like not expressing himself much. I feel like I need more and we do talk about it. Also I don't have many friends to do things with and I depend on him for everything- which I know is a big mistake. He can't go shopping with me and me feel good about it all the time. I do feel good most of the time, but sometimes you need your girlfriend there to tell you the truth about an outfit or something like that. Lee can be good about that sometimes though. I am clingy to my mother too. She and I are very close. Anyway, I will get off of here. I hope I didn't upset you because that was not my intention. God Bless.

Michelle Parker

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how, or if, my response will get back to you, since you no longer have/use an LJ account. LJ has no idea, I don't think how to send it back to you. At any rate, I'll just assume you're checking the page itself.

As far as the monogamy thing goes, you're both right and wrong with that. Would I like to immerse myself in blckwngdorcl, forsaking all others, as it were? Of course. I love him like I love no other, and like I expect to love no other. Is this healthy for me (or him)? Honestly, I don't think so. Perhaps if I were another person, with different life experiences, and different issues to work through, that might be the case. Perhaps if my challenges were to overcome many many meaningless one-night stands, that might be the case. But for me, my challenges are as I've stated in this post. In addition, I have the challenge of trusting my relationship with my husband, even if he chooses to be with another, even if I do. He and I discussed this when we chose to live this lifestyle, and I don't think that I'm misreading him, or hearing what I want to hear. His words to me feel True, and that's what matters to me.

I could certainly do all those things with blckwngdorcl watching and/or participating. If I felt any type of shame about it, any sense of unwillingness to share these experiences with him, I would know it wasn't the right thing for either of us. Now, I think he would give a different answer, and I'm not sure he'd want me there when he's with someone else. For him, though, sex is a much more private thing, and I could say that about the two of us having sex, as well. And who knows, he may surprise me. :)

I understand what you're saying about sex as a teenager vs. sex now. I also consider sex more sacred, more connected, more loving. It's another challenge of mine, actually, because not only did I experience non-loving, non-sacred sex (or at least sex that I didn't view as sacred) when I was younger, I actually shied away from connected sex, feeling too vulnerable in that situation. I've made a lot of strides in overcoming that, mostly with blckwngdorcl, but it's still a challenge for me with other people. I don't see this as a reason to change the nature of the open relationship I share. I see it as more of a reason to do it. I still have issues there, and even though sex with my husband is fabulous and connected, if I fear it with others, I still have to work on that issue. No one should make a decision based on fear, in my opinion, and if I elude connectedness because of fear, I will have done myself a disservice. And, ultimately, done blckwngdorcl a disservice as well.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I don't know how long this lifestyle will serve us. There may come a time when it won't, so I really can't answer your question about doing it into our old age. If we ever have kids, though, I would absolutely continue it (assuming, as I stated above, that the lifestyle still served us). It would teach them many values I'd love to pass on. Openness, love without limits, and their parents' willingness to work that much harder on their relationship. Plus, they get to see many examples of how different couples relate to each other, so they have a better sense of what's out there. I wouldn't force them to live a similar lifestyle when they came of an age to choose, any more than I would force any aspect of my lifestyle on my children, or anyone else's.

As far as STDs and pregnancy goes, you're right. The only way to prevent either is absolute abstinence, even from one's spouse. I choose not to be celibate with my spouse, and have the benefit of his vasectomy to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Of course, that's not 100%, either. Nor is his disease-free status. Neither of us were virgins when we got married. His first wife cheated on him, and I cheated on my first husband, and had many lovers after my divorce. We've both been recently tested for STDs, and been negative. When I have steady insurance, I get tested yearly, and will encourage blckwngdorcl to go home to, with my love amplified not only for him, but the person I was with, and for humans in general. That, to me, is being the best spouse I can be.

[jupitercornwall.livejournal.com]

i can understand having some reservations about things being in or out of the moment. in the case of you and i, we have known (and known of) each other for a long time, and there has always been a sexual tension that has been alluded to, but never realized. i think that given that we've never gone there, having passing kisses or hugs or gropes can almost immediately take you into a moment of, "was that tacit or overt? should i take it somewhere? should he? does it have to? does it matter?" that may be across the board for many people, but i am using me as the present example. i know that i have made it harder for people to get to know me, and even if there has been an attraction or tension between myself and others, they have had a hard time reconciling the attraction they might feel with the aloofness or standoffishness that they have also felt. and when it has come to those small moments of a bit of petting or kissing or whatever, whereas i might feel just fine, the other person may have felt a little conflicted later. this is something that i have been working on improving how i shouldn't keep people at arms length one moment, then catch them up in my arms the next.

i realize that might not be addressing how you would fit into this picture, if this is something that happens with many people for you. it might be that you feel threatened in some way about our flirting, or that there could be more than the lust. maybe because it's been so long since we first started flirting, it feels like this ancient, lurking passion that has expectations and tensions running high. if you think that i have been a tease, or that i have gone too far at the wrong times, let me know. i'm all about learning how to better handle people. as far as the austin angle goes, i can easily see holding back after the fudge stripe incident. just kidding.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. I had no idea you felt that way, or that you had issues that paralleled mine. I wasn't really thinking in terms of how you personally (or anyone else personally) might contribute to what I've been feeling. Perhaps, to some extent, you're right about your comment about tacit/overt/taking it somewhere. That's very similar to what I feel when things happen. My conflict later, however, hasn't really been with the person I was with, but with my own hesitancy to just enjoy the moment, and not CARE where it led.

You've certainly been a tease, but not in a way I would consider bad. :) I don't feel threatened by you, though. It is sometimes hard to know where to stand, 'cause sometimes you are standoffish to the point where I kinda wonder if the lustful talks weren't really meant the way I took them. But I never really considered that as a fault of yours. Typical of me, to take everything on to myself.

But thank you for that insight. It's nice to know what it's like on the other side of the coin. :)

But I have no idea what you're talking about with the fudge stripe incident... :)