The Long-Awaited Dreaming Post

[bookofmirrors]

Well, I'm obviously in a better mood today. Have I mentioned that blckwngdorcl is the bestest husband in the whole wide world? No matter what goes on in my life, I'm still in awe that I have the good fortune that he's there with me while it happens.

OK, I'd best cut that bunny-trail off right now. I could go on for a long time about that, and recent stuff in my life. But where was I?

Oh, yeah. The Dreaming. (Note: I went to the website so I could copy/paste the url, and the site is down. Not sure if that's permanent, since I figured that since this is apparently gonna be an annual thing, I thought the site would stay up. But the link is there, in case the site goes up again, or in case this was a temporary glitch.)

I suppose I should cut-tag this...

Well, first of all, I got the easy directions again, from walkingbear, which included taking highway 5 south. So, I got this bright idea. We live right by highway 5. Why not just pick it up here, instead of going over to I-20? I think it took us over an hour to get out of the perimeter, and we ended up getting lost downtown, and finding I-20 from there, anyway. Not to mention we started late, so... I think we got there at about 1am. We lucked out. blyssmouse and some others were there at registration, just waiting for the people who happened to pull in just before us, so we got to register, and do the bead thing. The bead thing, I must say, was fabulous. As everyone knows, I'm all about the TMI thing, and to be able to wear beads that stated to anyone who cared to look, that I was bisexual, in a married, open relationship, and submissive... well, that's just fabulous. I didn't get an additional relationship bead for walkingbear, although he got one for me. This triggered some things in me that I discussed with him after festival, which may or may not be the subject of another post. If so, it would tie in with the future post I alluded to in response to jupitercornwall's quizzy-thing. Anyway, did I mention the beads were fabulous? And the red bead thing was really clever, for those uncomfortable being flirted with, touched, or whatever. Not to mention the different strings for kids, which pretty much declared them off limits for that sort of thing. But damn... Tam looked so fucking hot. (Is it illegal to say that?)

Anyway, we got there, drove down to Freehold, where the awesomewonderfulbeautiful eloreen and walkingbear had put up our tent for us. walkingbear was still awake, and pointed it out to us, so we unloaded the basics and crawled in. We got undressed and laid down. blckwngdorcl proved too irresistable for words, so we spent some time NOT sleeping before we laid down again. After much restlessness, we both kinda did the "You can't sleep either, can you?" thing, and decided to drive in to Carrollton. We needed to do it the next day, anyway, 'cause we didn't have access to our money yet (probably the only time direct deposit wasn't a lifesaver). But, by this time, it was 3am, and we were sure the money would be there, and there were some things we needed to get at Wal-Mart, anyway. Gods bless 24-hour Wal-Marts and Waffle Houses. We took advantage of both. I can't remember everything we bought, but I know we each bought a beach towel. I'd partially forgotten, and partially didn't really wanna take to begin with, our towels at home, and ended up getting this fabulous (I really like that word) towel with a celestial theme. However, I forgot the cardinal rule of towels. More on that later.

So, we got back and finally went to sleep. Actually, blckwngdorcl might have stayed up and walked around. I was too tired, and don't remember.

When I woke up, I was still pretty tired (I hadn't gotten much sleep the four days previous), but got up anyway, 'cause I didn't wanna miss anything. :) This made me kinda cranky and achy. I got up to take a shower, taking my pretty new towel with me, and was harshly reminded of the cardinal rule of towels. NEVER EVER EVER use a new towel without washing/drying it about 3 times. Unless, that is, you ENJOY being covered in fuzz the color of said lovely towel. I didn't, though. In the meantime, my sandals, which I've worn to numerous other festivals, were already on their last legs when we started down. The rain/dew on the grass made them slippery as hell (I think something in the leather was breaking down), and I kept slipping, and having to walk with my toes hanging over the edge so I could get a grip on the shoes to keep them from sliding off my feet. I eventually took the fuckers off, which meant that I was walking around barefoot, which meant that I was looking down and taking mincing steps most of the time. Seems like there was one other thing annoying me, but I don't remember what that was...

Anyway, I found myself being muchly irritated by many things that morning. Keep in mind, that, as I had planned, I started out the day naked. I was a tad nervous about it, but part of it seemed very natural. Honestly, I think I was more nervous about it than I let myself feel, and that all the morning's irritations were just my way of distracting myself from that. At any rate, I asked blckwngdorcl to go back to Carrollton with me, so I could get another pair of shoes. So, we did, and there was much rejoicing.

Got back in a much better mood, and was able to enjoy the rest of the day. Oh! I just remembered what the other annoyance was - I had lost my glasses. Anyway, blckwngdorcl and I went to Elspeth's class, which involved homework, with crayons! Although it wasn't nearly as "fun" as that would imply. blckwngdorcl was worried about going, which usually means that he's afraid of something profoundly life-changing happening, so I was really really glad he went. And it was, for him. Not so much for me. My meditation on the dictator was interesting, and I may make another post on that later, but it wasn't as life-changing an experience for me. The whole point of the exercise was to discover that you are your own worst enemy. Which I already fully grok. Hell, I grok it too much. Pam says that I'm an unusual case in therapy. That most people, she has to work very hard to get them to see how they're responsible for the shit in their lives, but for me, it's just the opposite. I fully understand that I'm wholly responsible. What I have trouble with is holding others responsible for their shit. Hence, my difficulty at getting angry at someone else. Besides all the fear involved, and all the other childhood shit about anger, I just have trouble figuring out, from a logical standpoint, why I should be angry at someone else for something I brought on myself.

Wow, this post is full of bunny-trails, isn't it?

Anyway, that was the gist of Elspeth's classes. I don't want to go into too much detail, lest I spoil the classes for others. They were DEFINITELY valuable, and I highly recommend them, regardless. But, then again, it's Elspeth. How can you not?

I only made it down to Greenwood once, to look around, and it was, unfortunately, when I was in my barefoot and annoyed stage. I do recall that there was allsortsa fabulous equipment down there. :) Between scheduling and tiredness, it just never happened. We have plans for next year, though. :) From what I heard, though, it was awesome.

The main ritual was fabulous, even though we were late. Evocation was awesome, as always. I wasn't looking around as much as others, so was kinda sorry to miss the radiance that everyone said was so obvious in badelf. I was kinda caught in the moment, and trying not to fall on the uneven terrain, dancing. I'm not particularly graceful. :( I didn't recognize Maggie as Gaea, and didn't know who was in that role until gaeasson mentioned it the day after, at closing ritual. They were both fabulous, though. It was lovely to feel that connectedness again.

The sumbel was awesome. Many tears were shed, and many stories were told. bulwerk is more fabulous than he realizes, or allows others to see. I'm glad to be perceptive enough to see it, and I'm glad he allows me that access. I even made a boast, based on Janelle's comment to my post about how I was 10 years ago. Thanks for that, 'Nell. :)

I'm looking forward to next year, of course, and I hope to actually do the presentation/workshop that I'd originally planned to do this time. Maybe I'll actually send gaeasson that writeup. ;)

I realize that I've put off my whole reaction to my own nakedness until last. I'm not sure if that's indicative that there's something I'm avoiding about it, or that it's just not that big a deal to me, when it's all said and done. I'm truly inclined to believe the latter, though. But, here's the rundown of that.

The first day, I was a bit self-conscious. Again, I think I was distracting myself from that nicely, with all the other shit going on. When the problems were resolved, I think the nervousness had basically passed, and I didn't feel so worried about it. I remember, there was one guy in a truck. It wasn't the gas guy for the kitchen, but this guy looked like an outsider, as well. He looked over, saw me, and got this split-second play of emotions over his face. "Oh, shit, she's naked! Oh, boy, a naked chick! Eww, a FAT naked chick! Holy shit!" All in less than a second, in that order. It was amusing to watch. And, while in the past, I would have focussed on the fleeting "eww", I found myself laughing at him, and finding him cute and ridiculous. Silly creature. Granted, had I been in a mood like I was yesterday and the past few days, I might have regressed back to that, but at the time, I was OK with it. I think I actually got a kick out of switching his mind to all those places, "good" and "bad". Other than that, I mostly forgot I was naked. The only times it really forced its way into the fore of my mind was when I was in a position where my cunt was more blatantly displayed. In those conditions, I felt somewhat uncomfortable, like I was being lewd or something. But, I reasoned with myself that bending over a table (or whatever position I was in at the time) was something that I would have done without question or thought if I were clothed, and that was the whole POINT of this exercise, and consciously made myself stay in that position for as long as I would have stayed in it were I clothed. And, in the end, nothing bad happened as a result. At least, not that I was privy to. :)

I must say, it was fabulous to feel everything against my skin. The wind, the rain. All of it. Other than the sumbel, which was not clothing-optional, I only put on clothes once - a night when it was raining very cold raindrops. I figure if my teeth are starting to chatter, clothes become a good thing. :) I was actually disappointed, though, because, as cold as the rain was, it was awesome in that "make you feel alive" sense. I felt warmer with the clothes on, but ...incomplete, somehow. When I got dressed on Sunday, I felt that way, too. Moreso, even. It was sad, although once we left the Land, the mundane-ness of the world kicked in again. I am, however, sitting here naked as we speak, so... but, then again, that was typical of me before the gather. ;)

The downside of feeling everything against your skin is not being able to ignore the flies that decide you're tasty during a meditation. VERY distracting and annoying. For the next meditation, I got under my towel instead of on top of it, and that helped a lot. :)

I heard after the fact, and during, second-hand from gaeasson, that many people were impressed with my being naked the whole time. Aside from my typical tendency to downplay compliments of any kind, I was kinda surprised. On the whole, the going naked thing was EASY. It was just ...natural. I was kinda bemused that people thought it was praiseworthy. But flattered, nonetheless. :)

Now, I must say, there has been one downside to this whole thing. I was inconsistent with the sunscreen. My original intent was to walk around with it, and offer myself up to getting rubbed down by whoever struck my fancy, but I got all shy about that. (Not that some people didn't offer, which was fun.) At any rate, I didn't use it as much as I should have, and ended up with a sunburn. The sunburn itself wasn't really that bad, I didn't think. I've had worse. But it's turned into this raised, red, itchy rash that I STILL have. I'm not sure if it's sun poisoning, heat rash, or even a reaction to the sunscreen itself. I've been sunburned several times in my life, and never had this happen. I'm not sure what it is, but it's ANNOYING AS HELL!!! I frequently want to flay my skin off with my own fingernails. I was doing the creme thing for a while, but found I actually itched LESS without them, so I stopped doing anything. I took benadryl and diflucan, and not sure if those helped or not, since diflucan is a one-time dose thing, usually, and it was the last of my secret stash. I'm also out of benadryl now. Anyway, whatever this is, I DON'T recommend it, and I wish it would go the fuck away. keiracaitlyn, don't be surprised if I have to cancel again. There are several days between now and then, but I can't tell that this is getting any better. I may have to break down and go to the doctor.

But the being naked thing? Yeah. Definitely recommend that. :)

Comments

[spy-isis.livejournal.com]

Everytime I see you nekkid I think...that is K'la at her most beautiful and its not like I feel that way about everyone, just so you know. Sorry I missed it at the dreaming. We must get together next weekend for lunch.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Oh wow... I had no idea. Thank you so much! :) So far, I'm free next weekend, too! :) :) :)

[spy-isis.livejournal.com]

Coolness! We'll definately plan something, how about Sunday afternoon..

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Off the top of my head, yes. However, if work offers me shifts, that'll have to take precendence. Hopefully, I'll know by Thursday. :)

[elorie.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking a lot about body image lately. Part of me thinks it would be cool to walk around nekkid in a supportive atmosphere, and might be good for me, just because I DO have lots of body image issues. Part of me, the one that likes to reserve things for people I'm intimate with, thinks, "um. NO." And part of me thinks it doesn't matter because I'm never going to find a place where I'd feel that comfortable. I'm too weirdly sensitive, despite all my warrior tendencies. I was reading (when I was going on about her recently) that Joan of Arc (a fellow Capricorn) would plan these tactical maneuvers and pull them off, and certainly was brilliant at inspiring people to follow her, but would then burst into tears at the loss of life. Not that I'm drawing a parallel here or anything...

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Oh! Your comment reminds me of something I wanted to put in the post to begin with! But, first of all, let me say that I'd be happy to support you in any naked undertakings. :)

But, what I wanted to say was that, I think I had such a positive experience BECAUSE it was such a supportive environment. If the environment had been a clothing-optional Bally's commercial or the like, I would have been extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. My comfort was based on the reactions I got, the huge majority of which were positive. If I had gotten lots of "eeewww, fat chick" vibes, I would have had a negative experience. Granted, had any objections been given to nakedness in general (say, if I went naked to a Southern Baptist Convention), I think I would have been filled with gleeful malice in my nekkidness and gone for the straight shock value. That could be fun. But the ridicule/you're ugly thing - would have hurt, LOTS.

Luckily, the people at The Dreaming were fabulous. :)

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Somehow I don't think those same people would be that supportive of me. Of course, some of that is because I am wary of them to begin with, and probably give off an "I don't trust you" vibe, which naturally is off-putting. Some of that is arguably justified on my part, and some of it is just...me. We are all products of our experiences, and shit that happened twenty years ago before I ever met most of the people I know now shape my perspective on the world. I free myself from what seems destructive, and the rest I learn to accept.

Naked=vulnerable. I hate that shit. It might make me relax, be a spiritual experience for me, or it might make me extremely tense and belligerent. On the order of naked Picts painting themselves with woad and going on a rampage. Now that would be something to see...

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I dunno. I don't necessarily equate nakedness and vulnerability. Nakedness is as much what you make it as being clothed is. One can still hide behind nakedness. Naked into battle... I like that imagery. :)

[lizzielove.livejournal.com]

Not that I'm drawing a parallel here or anything...

Being burnt at the stake is so not an option...

I'll have to agree about not being comfortable in the all together in certain situations. I can do the shirtless thing, or rather I could do the shirtless thing at one point. I just have to be entirely comfortable to be completely , and that's not going to happen at any gathering anywhere. It's not even a body image thing for me. I'm far from Ms. Perfect Body, and I know it.

Actually I've gotten quite shy about showing my body. I truly doubt that I'd be at all comfortable going without a shirt at a gathering now. Must do some work to find out why that is.

K'la has given me much to think about.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

:)