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bookofmirrorsI'm supposed to be writing something about what it felt like to walk around The Dreaming naked, but I'm not really in the mood to write about that. I consider that to have been a positive experience, and I'd like to write about it when I'm in a more similar frame of mind.
But I'm not.
And I'm not even really sure WHY. I mean, yeah, there have been things happen in the past few days that weren't wholly delightful, but not a whole lot too terribly out of the ordinary. But my reactions to things have been pretty haywire, I think.
Cases in point:
A ridiculous silly perceived slight from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
blckwngdorcl the other night made me absolutely miserable. Not-get-out-of-my-chair-wish-someone-would-come-along-and-put-me-out-of-my-misery miserable. I wasn't suicidal, but I can't remember the last time dying sounded like a better option than being in that moment. Keep in mind that logically, I knew I was the one being unreasonable.
Somethingfesser said, which I know perfectly well wasn't quite meant as he said it, but I find myself sad every time I think of it, and I know better.
I had a bad day at work today, and got it in my head that what would make it all better was to "bribe"blckwngdorcl with dinner and a movie. Never mind that we'd already agreed to do that tomorrow, and that I know perfectly well that weekends are his time to play. I had set it up as That Thing Which Will Make Me Happy, And Nothing Else. When he chose to continue his regularly scheduled weekend activities rather than change the plans that we'd BOTH agreed on, I felt miserable again.
And I have rather mixed feelings about this whole thing. Part of me thinks that having this depth of feeling, regardless of the nature of the emotion, isn't a bad thing. Feeling one's feelings is a good thing. I know this. Especially those feelings that I don't care for, or society will do anything to avoid. So, yay me, I'm sad.
But, even though I'm in the depths of despair, I can't stop thinking. In the middle of all this angst, some part of me still has the ability to step back from it, look at myself from afar, and see how ridiculous I'm being about it. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not negating what I just said. Feeling is good. But... it's hard to describe. It's like I was on an edge. I could SEE my choices. They were almost tangible to me. I could choose to remain in that state of misery, or I could choose to get the fuck over it and go do something else. In each of the cases that's triggered this emotional tide, my logical parts knew quite clearly that I was overreacting, and falling back on old patterns that no longer suited me. I had other options.
But I didn't take them. The first night I was feeling that way, I sat woodenly in front of the computer, with all that shit going through my head, read Literotica with no interest whatsoever (and I'd happened upon an extremely good story, too), and made sure I was in bed beforeblckwngdorcl got home. I didn't answer his calls or text messages. I literally just didn't know what to say. He was upset that I was sad, and upset that I was being unreasonable. We talked it out until words weren't enough, and even after that, I felt an underlying sense of sadness. I wasn't upset with him anymore; I was just ...sad.
Today, I distracted myself some by taking Neg, Murke, and Loki, into our freshly re-fenced backyard for a while. This has actually helped some, along with catching up email/LJ and such on the computer.blckwngdorcl is behind me, and stops what he's doing frequently to stroke me, kiss me, and look at me with the most adoring and loving smile. I'm not being ignored, and I don't feel unloved. He has, in fact, intimated that he probably won't protest going out to grab a bite to eat. Murke and Loki (so far) have taken turns "helping" me type. So, it's not as bad as all that. Life, in many many ways, is very good. In other ways, to quote my twisted spouse, "it sucks shit through a bendy straw". Overall, though, I'd have to go with life being a good and positive thing, worth living and fighting for.
Not sure what the point of this whole thing is. I mostly wanted to get it out on virtual paper. I do have a couple of theories, though...
One is 'cause of The Dreaming itself. Perhaps that energy has stayed with me, and allowed me not only to feel things I normally bury, but to be able to see that I have a choice. I can feel them, and I can discard them. They don't serve me anymore.
Ummm... I don't remember what my other theories were. At any rate, regardless of the cause of this particular emotional weirdness, I think it all boils down to what I jumped ahead with on the Dreaming theory.
I have feelings. They are inherently good, sacred, and valid, always.
Sometimes, what I do with these feelings, such as cling to them longer than is necessary, useful, or positive, is a detriment to being Myself.
I can recognize these feelings, acknowledge them, feel them, hold them... and blow them away like dandelions on the wind. (Actually, I always thought milkweed was cooler.)
These feelings don't own me.
Of course, the scary thing is, the Universe is just the kind of bitch to give me plenty of opportunities to test this theory, and also to keep practicing making the right choices until I get it right.
I suppose I should be flattered/proud. In the past, I really couldn't see the choices. I could still see that I was being melodramatic and unreasonable, but knowing that just made me spiral deeper, 'cause I knew how fucked up that was.
Progress can be a pain in the ass.
I asked for this, didn't I? *rolls eyes*
But I'm not.
And I'm not even really sure WHY. I mean, yeah, there have been things happen in the past few days that weren't wholly delightful, but not a whole lot too terribly out of the ordinary. But my reactions to things have been pretty haywire, I think.
Cases in point:
A ridiculous silly perceived slight from
blckwngdorcl the other night made me absolutely miserable. Not-get-out-of-my-chair-wish-someone-would-come-along-and-put-me-out-of-my-misery miserable. I wasn't suicidal, but I can't remember the last time dying sounded like a better option than being in that moment. Keep in mind that logically, I knew I was the one being unreasonable.Something
fesser said, which I know perfectly well wasn't quite meant as he said it, but I find myself sad every time I think of it, and I know better.I had a bad day at work today, and got it in my head that what would make it all better was to "bribe"
blckwngdorcl with dinner and a movie. Never mind that we'd already agreed to do that tomorrow, and that I know perfectly well that weekends are his time to play. I had set it up as That Thing Which Will Make Me Happy, And Nothing Else. When he chose to continue his regularly scheduled weekend activities rather than change the plans that we'd BOTH agreed on, I felt miserable again.And I have rather mixed feelings about this whole thing. Part of me thinks that having this depth of feeling, regardless of the nature of the emotion, isn't a bad thing. Feeling one's feelings is a good thing. I know this. Especially those feelings that I don't care for, or society will do anything to avoid. So, yay me, I'm sad.
But, even though I'm in the depths of despair, I can't stop thinking. In the middle of all this angst, some part of me still has the ability to step back from it, look at myself from afar, and see how ridiculous I'm being about it. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not negating what I just said. Feeling is good. But... it's hard to describe. It's like I was on an edge. I could SEE my choices. They were almost tangible to me. I could choose to remain in that state of misery, or I could choose to get the fuck over it and go do something else. In each of the cases that's triggered this emotional tide, my logical parts knew quite clearly that I was overreacting, and falling back on old patterns that no longer suited me. I had other options.
But I didn't take them. The first night I was feeling that way, I sat woodenly in front of the computer, with all that shit going through my head, read Literotica with no interest whatsoever (and I'd happened upon an extremely good story, too), and made sure I was in bed before
blckwngdorcl got home. I didn't answer his calls or text messages. I literally just didn't know what to say. He was upset that I was sad, and upset that I was being unreasonable. We talked it out until words weren't enough, and even after that, I felt an underlying sense of sadness. I wasn't upset with him anymore; I was just ...sad.Today, I distracted myself some by taking Neg, Murke, and Loki, into our freshly re-fenced backyard for a while. This has actually helped some, along with catching up email/LJ and such on the computer.
blckwngdorcl is behind me, and stops what he's doing frequently to stroke me, kiss me, and look at me with the most adoring and loving smile. I'm not being ignored, and I don't feel unloved. He has, in fact, intimated that he probably won't protest going out to grab a bite to eat. Murke and Loki (so far) have taken turns "helping" me type. So, it's not as bad as all that. Life, in many many ways, is very good. In other ways, to quote my twisted spouse, "it sucks shit through a bendy straw". Overall, though, I'd have to go with life being a good and positive thing, worth living and fighting for.Not sure what the point of this whole thing is. I mostly wanted to get it out on virtual paper. I do have a couple of theories, though...
One is 'cause of The Dreaming itself. Perhaps that energy has stayed with me, and allowed me not only to feel things I normally bury, but to be able to see that I have a choice. I can feel them, and I can discard them. They don't serve me anymore.
Ummm... I don't remember what my other theories were. At any rate, regardless of the cause of this particular emotional weirdness, I think it all boils down to what I jumped ahead with on the Dreaming theory.
I have feelings. They are inherently good, sacred, and valid, always.
Sometimes, what I do with these feelings, such as cling to them longer than is necessary, useful, or positive, is a detriment to being Myself.
I can recognize these feelings, acknowledge them, feel them, hold them... and blow them away like dandelions on the wind. (Actually, I always thought milkweed was cooler.)
These feelings don't own me.
Of course, the scary thing is, the Universe is just the kind of bitch to give me plenty of opportunities to test this theory, and also to keep practicing making the right choices until I get it right.
I suppose I should be flattered/proud. In the past, I really couldn't see the choices. I could still see that I was being melodramatic and unreasonable, but knowing that just made me spiral deeper, 'cause I knew how fucked up that was.
Progress can be a pain in the ass.
I asked for this, didn't I? *rolls eyes*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-07-03 06:42 pm (UTC)But I didn't take them....
Oh hunny I know exactly what you mean...I hope things go better for you soon..*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-07-03 06:46 pm (UTC)flattered/proud
Date: 2004-07-03 07:39 pm (UTC)Re: flattered/proud
Date: 2004-07-04 07:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-03 09:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-04 07:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-03 11:04 pm (UTC)I am looking forward to your post on your experience at Dreaming. I was in awe of you... Beautiful.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-04 07:35 am (UTC)Good luck on the stuff you're going through!
Oh, by the way, we couldn't get appointments the day we needed them at your work, so we ended up going somewhere else. :( Guess this'll just force us to do the coffee thing.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-04 07:54 am (UTC)Oooohhh girl, I hear that!
no subject
Date: 2004-07-04 08:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-04 09:29 am (UTC)We'll all get there, some day, right? Maybe I'll see you on the other side.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-04 10:36 am (UTC)