To simplysakka and <user site="livejournal.com" user="wyzard_vy

[bookofmirrors]

I'm cut-tagging this for a modicum of privacy, and for harshness, and for length. I can't stop anyone from reading it, of course, but I'd suggest that if you don't already know what this is about from the subject line, this probably doesn't interest you.



I've read the posts, and talked to wyzard_vyrnahnn when he's been around. I've read the comments on both your journals. I've read the cryptic post of acid0philus that may or may not be about you two - I have no idea.

Anyway, here are my thoughts, for what they're worth.

I love you both. I don't always agree with either one of you. But I love you both, and want to see both of you happy. I do NOT hate either of you.

Both of your feelings are valid and worthy. Having these feelings isn't wrong. Some of these feelings may or may not be healthy, and I don't consider myself in a position to decide that about them right now. Nor do I intend to. In general, anything fear-based probably isn't your best route. But you've both heard that broken record before.

The whole situation is fucked up. And it's much much bigger than the credit card. But let me focus on that for a second. wyzard_vyrnahnn gets a weekly allowance (his words). When I first heard this, it set my teeth on edge. What a horrible word to use. It's the word used for children's money, set by parents. But, neither of you seemed to be upset with the situation, so I held my peace on that. However, from my limited viewpoint, I see a rather small allowance given to wyzard_vyrnahnn while I see simplysakka going on lots of trips to see OSOs. Both of you, as far as I can tell, do the food out thing. As do blckwngdorcl and I, but that's not the point I'm making. The point I'm making is that, from my perspective, it seems like there's a huge inequality of funds, wyzard_vyrnahnn's new computer notwithstanding. This puts simplysakka in the role of the person in control, the parent, if you will. wyzard_vyrnahnn reacted just as any teenager would. He rebelled. Was it wrong of him? Hell fucking yes, and even moreso that it was done in secret. But can you both see how that type of dynamic made just such a reaction possible, even probable?

As far as wyzard_vyrnahnn being addicted to gaming. Well FUCKING DUH. This comes as a surprise to NO ONE, including him. It's his escape. This has been going on for a long time, and you both claimed to be OK with the status quo on that. If you both WERE OK with it, then fine, you may have to re-evaluate that. If either, or both, of you weren't OK with it to begin with, then you/y'all need to admit that you've been lying to yourselves/each other this whole time, and move on from there.

If wyzard_vyrnahnn's addiction is gaming, simplysakka's is OSOs. They are her escape, just as surely as gaming is his. Both use them for running from themselves, and, in my personal opinion, their marriage. I make no apologies for thinking that both of you would be better off if you were alone, and didn't have the illusion of a stable marriage to hold you up, and to allow you the luxury of not facing your own issues.

I used to hold simplysakka to blame for a lot of the issues in the marriage. Everyone but her could see how her OSOs were hurting wyzard_vyrnahnn, even when it was pointed out to her. But the more I see, hear, read, and feel, the more the responsibility of this fiasco has become pretty fucking equal. wyzard_vyrnahnn is so caught up at wanting to be with her at any cost that he's willing to give up everything to keep her. Even, perhaps especially, himself. So, while he's paying lip service to her about being OK with the whole thing, he's so clearly NOT that it's painful to watch. And he expects her to read his mind and come running back to him, full of apologies for hurting him. In the meantime, he encourages her to continue with her lovers. Hey, it leaves more time for gaming, right? And she hears what he's telling her, which is, after all, what she wants to hear anyway, and flits off to her next lover, hoping to find in OSOs what she's lost in herself.

Neither one of you are happy with this situation, and moreso, neither one of you are happy with yourselves. This is a PROBLEM, and I'm not telling either of you anything new by saying so. NEITHER OF YOU has created a "monster" in the other. Any monsters that are popping their heads up were always there, waiting to be summoned.

Can your marriage be saved?

Sure. If you both want it to. I CAN guarantee you that, if you don't BOTH get therapy (couples, individual, or both), it's going to cycle around like this until it DOES end. Whether it's this time, or another time. I know finances are tight. I know blckwngdorcl and I don't make that any easier most of the time. I know liljuice is a financial strain. But, if wyzard_vyrnahnn can find the time and money to buy gaming stuff, and to game, and if simplysakka can find the time and money to be with her OSOs, wherever they are, then money can be found for therapy. Insurance covers therapy. Most employers offer free therapy services as part of their standard employee benefit plan. All therapy is as confidential as you choose to make it. There are many kink- and poly-friendly therapists out there.

If you both want it enough, it'll get better. You BOTH have to do the work, though. Time, money, and EFFORT. It's not easy. Only you can decide if it's worth it.

If you both don't want it enough, it's going to fall apart, in spite of any short-term solutions you think you can come up with on your own. You're way past that now. You've BEEN way past that for a long time. If you choose not to get professional help, you might as well cut your losses right now.

I don't apologize for the harshness of this. I still love you both, and want to see both of you happy. Whatever that entails. But the time for coddling, and keeping my mouth shut unless I'm specifically approached about it is over, for me.

I wish you both the best. You know where I live, if you want to slit my throat while I sleep or something like that. :)

Comments

[isarma.livejournal.com]

Just stating formally, you go, girl. Speak your truth. I, personally, pride myself on honesty and that's one thing that differentiates an actual friendship, is that I'll tell them the unpleasant things. Friends are people who'll tell you when you're full of shit and love you anyway. I'm proud to call you friend. And some of the most important and life-changing epiphanies I've ever had about myself, my life and my relationships came as a result of something that was hard to hear, from someone who loved me enough to say the hard stuff. I wouldn't put it in LJ, that wouldn't be my choice, but it's not how I operate and you've always operated this way and, I believe, respect other's rights to do likewise in your direction, so I see no hypocrisy or lack of rational thought or meanness here.

simply_sakka, she is being your friend, in possibly the best way. A friend is not someone who bites their tongue or only says what you want to hear. Perhaps she's not right on the mark, though just based on my limited knowledge, I believe she makes some very concise points, but what kind of friend would she be if she hid her great worry from either of you? That would be one empty friendship.

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

I don't fault her for telling us what she thinks. Not in the least. I've always encouraged open conversation among us all. But to post highly private (in my opinion, and when it comes to things about me, my opinion should weigh the heaviest) information in a public post that *anyone* can get access to is a breach of boundaries. And I am reminded that I spent eight hours closing my journal and making all of my public posts friends-only because of one person, and that person is now privy to all of this information and is attacking us ONCE AGAIN.

It is the not the disclosure of the information. Not in the least. It is the public venue. As logomancer, profundis, and elorie all stated one way or another, an e-mail or a private post made *just* to us would have sufficed. Instead, our issues have been made fodder for discussion for the entire world.

Do you not agree?