bookofmirrors | What the Hell am I Doing Awake at this Hour???

Random Pondering on nakedness: I find it annoying that this room is insanely cold, no matter how high we keep the heat. I find it somewhat annoying that I have to keep the heat low while

blckwngdorcl sleeps, 'cause he'll literally wake up ready to vomit if it's too hot for him. I find it annoying that I need to wear clothes around the house because of all of this. I just wanna be naked, and in my little world, all houses should be kept at a perfect temperature for being naked all the time.

Random Pondering on cats: I finally found a people food that Murke likes. He's generally quite graceful in sharing yogurt off the spoon with me. I'm taking him to the vet today. I've discovered that he has worms, which means the rest of the cats probably do, too. But, I know that's an oral medication, and the vet can give me enough for all six of them, once she figures out what kind to give Murke. His on-again-off-again eye infection has gotten worse, and I've run out of ointment, so I need some of that, too. Also, not getting a paycheck on Friday means that I've just given the cats the last of their food, and it didn't even fill their bowl. Well, luckily, my dad agreed that I could put the vet bill on his credit card (otherwise I couldn't afford it in any case, although they might float me - they're nice people), so maybe I can pick up some food there, even though it's not my usual brand. The cats ate nothing but Science Diet before I moved down here, so with the exception of Ashira, who's never had anything but the Avo-Cat, they should all do fine.

Random Pondering on music: I wish the CD player in

blckwngdorcl's stereo worked. I don't always like being at the mercy of the radio station.

Random Pondering on coworkers: I find something wonderful and lovable about pretty much all of them. Brian is generous to a fault, and I don't think anyone has ever given him credit for it. Tim has one of the finest souls I've ever known. Gary is startlingly caring when he's forgetting to be a badass. LaToya is obviously a good person, and I like her in all my interactions; I wish I knew her better, although she kinda keeps to herself. Tom is so sad, and doesn't realize he's a good person underneath all that he's built up to try to convince people otherwise; I think he's convinced himself best of all. Julie confuses me; no one can be that perky in the face of the obvious bullshit going on. Leigh is just trying so hard to make it all work, and methinks is crazy like a fox, but it's not going to save her any more than it will save the rest of us. Shawn is a good guy who isn't quite sure what to make of the rest of us, I think; an office full of witches just kinda blows his sheltered little Christian mind. David is either ruthless, clueless, or both; I can no longer decide how I feel about him, although I occassionally get glimpses of the person he used to be before he was bought, and I remember how I miss that person. Brian W I don't see much anymore; he's on that edge where he's learning to be open-minded, but still sees the world in clear shades of black and white. Mikey and Rob are, well, Mikey and Rob; I say lots about them other places; suffice it to say things wouldn't be the same without either of them, and I'm glad to have both of them in my life.

fornorald is another beautiful soul, whose wise commentary and placid outlook on life is inspiring. I'd talk about

blckwngdorcl, but he's no longer my co-worker, and is now "just" my husband. ;) And Jeff... I'm completely of mixed emotions on him. I have great sympathy for the events in his life that have shaped him into the person he has become, but I have no sympathy for the grave he's dug himself. So much potential, and so much pain. But I will not be the victim of his pain. I have been the victim of my own, and accept (embrace?) my own responsibility for being in the situation I'm in. I don't regret a single day of my employment at e-Lit, and I won't regret it if, for some bizarre reason, the company actually makes it past this week and somehow survives. Nor will I regret it if I show up at work and the place is locked and empty, like it was never there (as many of us expect it to be). I will regret not getting paid, and I will both regret and resent not getting paid like Jeff promised back in the day, and I will resent that the Utopia he created, he also took away, for no good reason other than his own insecurities. And I recognize that one's insecurities are usually the only reason, and really, that's OK. I'd be condemning myself, too, if I thought otherwise. (Oh, wait... I do condemn myself... often... damn...) But, I will also let all that resentment go, because it doesn't serve me.

Ponderings on looking in the mirror:

elorie said some really awesome stuff about me in her LJ, and it made me realize that I really DON'T look at the good aspects of myself with the same vision as I do the bad stuff. So, with that in mind, let me write down some good things about myself, and hope I can do so, and see it, without holding the self-praise at arm's length and staring at it like it's a distasteful alien. And as I sit here and stare at the screen, I keep hearing things that other people have said about me, and wanting to write that down, and I think maybe it should be praise from within, and all the praise from within is scary to me - like I shouldn't go there. Which, of course, means that that's exactly where I need to go.... I am wise. I see things that others don't see; I see the good in people. I see the beauty all around me, the beauty in the earth, the sky, the water, the sun, stars, moon. I see the beauty in the living creatures, human and non-human, that share the world with me. Many times that beauty moves me to tears, even as I sit here with my eyes watering just thinking about it. It's times like those that I realize that it's not a sin, nor is it boasting, to know I am God, and that God is Good, God is Love, and I'm a perfect part of all that, and that everything that has happened, that I focus on, and obsess over, and lament about, just DOESN'T REALLY MATTER, because it's all exactly as it should be, and it's all perfect, and I'm perfect just as I am. And wow, that was really scary, and uplifting, to write, and now I can feel myself thinking, "and then I wake up", and trying really hard to shove that thought down. But, things will get better. They already have. I never *used* to feel that way about myself, ever. Thanks,

elorie.

Ponderings on health: I read "The Living Foods Lifestyle" by Brenda Cobb last night. I'm seriously considering doing this. The only problem I see is that the directions on how to do it could be a lot clearer, and I don't have half the shit I need to make the food, much less the food itself. Which is annoying, 'cause it all comes back to finances (which I guess I'll ponder later), and I don't think my health should have to depend on that. But I'm going to do some research later, and see just what changes I *can* make, even in this financial state. I find that, more and more, as I think about my health and my weight, my body is giving me very clear signals that I need to change what I'm doing. The food I eat still tastes wonderful, but it *feels* wrong. The rare chances I get to go eat at Sprout Cafe' or R. Thomas, the food just *feels* right, and my body acts like it's rejoicing. And most of the time, I really like the taste, too. Unfortunately, 99 cent Whoppers fit more into my budget right now. That needs to change. I'm going to make it a point to go to Living Foods when (if?) we get paid, and at least get something started... And hey, I've always wanted to try a colonic...

Ponderings on finances: Mine currently suck. But, they could certainly suck more. I mean, rent's paid through the end of this month, and utilities are current, which means I've got 60 days to blow them off if I need to before they threaten to cut me off. We have (some) food in the fridge, and if I were creative and gave myself time to cook, we'd be set for a while. The cats, on the other hand, are running way low (see earlier pondering on cats), but I'll never let them starve. The laundry situation is getting scary. The dryer isn't working, so the laundry has piled up to scary proportions. I've done a few loads and dried them by hanging stuff around the house, but that gets horribly tedious, not to mention scratchy. Laundromats are inconvenient, and not in the budget, anyway.

simplysakka offered to let me use her dryer on Sunday, but I had forgotten I had an all-day-long CPR/FirstAid class then, and when I got home, I checked email and curled up in bed, and that was pretty much the end of it. Which explains why I'm up so damn early... I know I can ask my dad for money, but right now, even he's strapped, 'cause he's also helping take care of my niece and her new baby, not to mention my mother's shopping sprees and new car. Not that I don't think she should get those things - if you can, certainly you should, and I'm good with that. And I think it's great he helps out all of us, as we need it. And I'm horribly grateful, and often feel like shit for asking. In fact, with the exception of last Thursday, when I told him I would need gas money if we didn't get paid on Friday, I haven't asked him for money in about 5 months, and even then, it was for the wedding. I don't know how long it was before then that I asked for money. I think it was about the time I took my car payment back. Although actually, now that I think of it, I have been having him pay for therapy, but that's a huge improvement. I'm so afraid I'm going to have to fall back on that if I or

blckwngdorcl can't find a job, and quick. But, that's on the agenda, and we're also gonna try for unemployment to help cover costs. Admittedly, that's just as much vengeful as it is useful, but we need the money, whatever the ulterior motive. I don't worry so much about finding a good job, for either of us. I know it can be done. I just worry about the interim period. And, at the same time, I find worrying about it pointless. I have the luxury (thankfully) of knowing my father will never let me be out on the street (thank you, Dad), and neither would my mom, if she were the one with the money. And, frankly, I don't see the point in worrying even if that weren't the case. It doesn't stop me from doing it sometimes, but I read a quote once that I agree with. Basically, it says that worrying is pointless. If what you worry about comes to pass, worrying about it didn't change that. And if it doesn't come to pass, you made yourself miserable for nothing.

Ponderings on magick as revenge:

blckwngdorcl and I were talking at a Mellow Mushroom once, discussing the never-ending drama of work, and how annoyed we were at the situation with our boss backpedalling on everything he'd ever promised us, and how that was affecting us, as well as people we cared about, adversely, on a personal and financial level. And I was saying something about how I found it annoying that using magic as a tool of vengeance was frowned upon in the pagan community, for the most part. And we got to talking about it, and as we talked, I came to a new conclusion for myself. Basically, it goes like this: Magic is really the ONLY good way to get revenge. Think about it. You're pissed off at someone, so you decide to get back at them. (We're setting aside the turn-the-other-cheek shit for now.) So, you decide to fuck their SO, rob their house, ruin their credit, steal their identity, whatever. Maybe you even try to make the punishment reflect the crime - stealing from someone who's stolen from you, for instance. Maybe you just inform the law, and let someone else handle the punishment for you. Whatever. But think about it. If you want revenge on someone, it boils down to one thing. They've hurt you. And, I don't think anyone really wants to hurt anyone back. When it comes down to it, all you really want, is for that person to see, *really SEE* how much they've hurt you, and to be genuinely sorry for it. You want them to feel your pain, and see how what they did (or didn't do) affected you, and to really *get* that. But stealing from them, getting them convicted (justly or unjustly) of a crime, pissing in their lemonade, whatever - none of that really lets them see what they've done. It leaves you feeling hollow inside, and your real goal is never attained. But what about using magic to get back at someone? I'm not talking about cursing someone. That's just the energetic equivalent of keying their car. I'm talking about asking the Universe to teach them their lesson. I have a friend that has a basic spell that says something like "Oh, Universe, this person has pissed me off, and I think they need instant smiting for it. If You, in Your ulimate Wisdom, agree with me, please smite them quickly, preferably while I'm watching." I find this horribly amusing, but at the same time, it makes a really good point. First of all, you admit that you don't have the whole picture. No matter what we think, we never know another person's true motivations for their actions, or at least we have a limited view of it. Hell, most of the time we don't admit to our own true motivations. Allowing the Universe/magic/whatever to be the entity to truly decide if a lesson needs to be learned is the key. The second key is that, since you don't know someone's motivations for doing what they do, you also don't know what will motivate them to learn whatever lesson they need to learn. And this is assuming you know what lesson that is to begin with. You don't. By handing it over to the Universe, you allow the "crime" to be compassionately and objectively evaluated, you allow the lesson needed to be determined with the same compassionate objectivity, and, best of all, you let the Universe decide the "punishment". Because only the Universe really knows what lesson needs to be learned, and how to teach it. You've merely put energy into speeding up the process. The added benefit (some might call it a drawback) to all this is that, more often than not, you're going to learn the lesson, too. You placed yourself in a situation to be hurt, to want vengeance. It only stands to reason you were trying to teach yourself something, too. The lessons learned on all side may be painful, but they'll be valuable, and thought-provoking, and if we all take responsibility for our actions, we all *can* learn the lesson, and move on. And the nice thing about it is that, even if your intentions are vengeance, what ends up coming from the Universe is nurturing, for both you and the other person(s). Just remember that the Universe is big time into Tough Love. :)

Ummm.... wow... kinda got off on a soapbox there. Actually, been meaning to post those thoughts to BP-Discuss and StupidPagans, so I think I'll copypaste, and watch the sparks fly. ;)