The Person I Was

[bookofmirrors]

simplysakka makes me crazy.



I've said, on more than one occassion, to more than one person (simplysakka included), that she is me, 10 years ago.

I mean, seriously, the similarities are frightening. Even now, she or I will bring something up, only to find that the other has the same viewpoint. Now granted, this is usually something like how we like the house kept, or how we feel about coffee, or how we feel about sex, or whatnot. Somewhat different than the scary similarities between isarma and I when it comes to outlook on life. But lots of strange and out-of-the-blue similarities (identicalities, more like it), nonetheless.

Other stuff, though. Other stuff just drives me up a fucking wall.

Generally, once I get over being in the emotional impact of anyone or anything that elicits that reaction in me, I try to figure out WHY I react so strongly to it. Took me a while with this one.

Once again, however, blckwngdorcl's adage of "We hate in others that which we hate most in ourselves" once again proved true. He's an evil bastard like that.

So, let's go back 10 years ago, then, shall we? Ten years ago, I had been married to my first husband for 2 years, with him for 6. I think I was still in love with him at the time, although it was about the time I think I was starting to, subconsciously, at least, fall out of love with him.

At the time, his friends (which had become our friends by this time, of course) were over every weekend, if not more often. Some may have even been living with us by then. At any rate, our house was the happenin' place to be. There were rumors all over town of us being a drug house, simply because there were always so many people over, all the time, and most of them high school kids. All our close friends had their own keys to the place, and could come and go as they pleased. I kinda considered myself a bit of a matriarch, I suppose, but would certainly never have flaunted that (more on that later). I was, for the most part, the only female in the group. There were a few others, but the majority of the people around were guys. I, being the consummate flirt I was, and even more obssessed with sex then than I am now (believe it or not), was constantly flirting with one or another of them, often curled up on the couch with one, giving out back massages, whatever. I thrived on all the attention and affection, whatever form it took.

Leo and I had, in theory, an open relationship. Or so we discussed. His favorite fantasy was to watch me with a black man. Something I certainly had no problem with. We even wrote a few letters to some magazines, but the replies came while the divorce was in its early stages, and nothing ever came of it. Personally, I was attracted to his friends. I was close to them, I felt comfortable with them. I knew their sexual histories as well as they did, and I trusted them to be honest with me about anything like that. Leo said that he wasn't interested in me pursuing that. He didn't like the thought of me being with his friends. I think he was worried about a potential emotional connection with them, as opposed to some stranger. (Given what happened later, perhaps that wasn't as unfounded as I thought at the time.) Anyway, we pursued, unsuccessfully, sexual exploits outside that circle. Eventually, though, for whatever reason, he invited Lee into our bedroom. It wasn't horribly advertised, but all the inner circle knew what was going on. At this point, I'd already sucked Fig's dick, but no one knew about that but Fig and I.

Anyway, I somewhat digress. The point I'm trying to make here, is that, as time went on, I became increasingly dependent on those friends. Not so much for the sexual stuff (which, I think, is the main difference between simplysakka and I), but for the emotional stuff. In spite of how I was treated outwardly, I knew they cared about me. They were the ones I went to when I was upset, if I went to anyone at all. This was more and more pronounced as my marriage crumbled, even before I could really see it happening.

I used them. I used them to run, run, run far away from the relationship that I knew, in some deep portion of myself that I wasn't willing to acknowledge yet, that my relationship with Leo was ultimately bad for me. Bad for him, really, too. I did everything I could to take the focus off my marriage, and put it elsewhere.

Of course, it didn't LOOK like that. Being around all the high school kids ensured that our lives were just FULL of drama. I fed off it. I was the cool one, the calmm one, the collected one. The educated one. I was the fixer. I took in the chick who was allegedly beaten by some guy. Sometimes Leo wasn't all for this, but I was firmly entrenched in the role of selfless helper, and damned if anyone was gonna take me out of it. Usually any combination of wheedling, guilting, or being stubborn (all extremely subtle, of course... I wasn't stupid) would get me my way. I helped the guys shelter runaways in an old abandoned house. I lent money, bought food, provided free housing (in some cases), lent out my car. I was the good guy.

And, oh yes, I took the high road. Drama? Absolutely. But it wasn't MY drama. All the people AROUND me. They're the ones with the drama. Never mind that I was the common denominator, never mind that I drew drama to me like a magnet. Never mind that with all that drama conveniently placed around me that I never had to look inside. Nothing to see here, folks. Not my issue. I'm fixing it, see? I'm above all that, but since I'm so fucking enlightened, I'll be happy to help out the poor slobs. Aren't I wonderful? And don't forget drama-free.


Was all of this a ploy? No, not all. Behind my desperation to be liked, to be perceived as a Good Person, I genuinely had a heart of gold. I really did care. One day, when we were all sitting around just talking, we somehow came up with an idea to stylize ourselves as gods, like unto a Greek pantheon, or somesuch. I don't know who's idea this was... this was really before I became (or knew I was) pagan. At any rate, the guys dubbed me (without prompting from me) the Goddess of Generosity and Compassion. And so I was.

It was a case of fooling a mage with the truth. I took what was, in fact, a very good quality about myself, one which I kinda miss now, and took it to the extreme. I made it a bad quality, in many respects. I gave to others not selflessly, but at my own expense. I did so willingly, but I think some part of me always knew what I was doing. In my head, I was always keeping score. I never said so, of course, but I think I always wanted recognition for it. I got some, of course, but... I guess I wanted a return in kind. One I rarely got. Mostly because I had self-effaced so much at that point that I'm sure I was giving off the energy that I deserved none of that. In fact, perhaps, that was more accurate. I felt that I deserved nothing, so I was trying to earn the right to deserve something by doing for others. Somehow, somewhere, I'd get mine (in the good way), right?

Didn't really happen that way. It wasn't until I bought Fig a new (well, rebuilt) transmission for the Blazer that I realized he had never once told me "thank you". He didn't, in fact, until about a month before I moved to Georgia, almost 5 years later. Mark would tell me thank you, and often. But I found that, while he spoke the words, his actions didn't follow. He didn't help out much. Fig, on the other hand, while not being vocal, thanked me in actions. But I craved the words. In a sense, I was never satisfied. So, I vascillated from feeling hurt (and no doubt angry, but anger was far far from my emotional repertoire at that time) and upset that I wasn't being given my due, and being hurt and feeling on a deeper level that I must not deserve any credit for what I was doing.

It was a vicious cycle. I kept doing and doing, hoping to somehow earn that worthiness, while feeling worse and worse about myself, less and less deserving of it, when, at least on paper, those libran scales, I was certainly owed SOMETHING. Never mind the fact that I didn't tell ANYONE how I felt, or that I was doing things for them in order to get stuff in return. Never mind that I knew intellectually that doing things allegedly out of the goodness of your heart while you're keeping score in the back of your mind is Bad. I still did it, and dug myself deeper and deeper. I always ended up feeling somewhat cheated by most people. Jensen was a notable exception to this, and even though our life philosophies were much closer than most, which made us closer in turn, he, I think, cared about me less than others did, and reacted accordingly. Or didn't, as the case may be. But, he wasn't unkind or unfair, either.

I do miss some of the aspects of that part of myself. I used to remember things. If someone came up to me that I hadn't seen in a while, I'd remember that last time I talked to them they weren't feeling well, or that their mother just got out of a minor surgery, or that their kid had had a recital, and I'd ask about those things. Today, I can barely remember that stuff. I hate to say it, but I really don't think I give a shit as much as I used to. Perhaps a hard-knock lesson for me, perhaps a retreating into my shell, perhaps a sour grapes thing. Who knows? Fact is, I've become a bit egocentric about things like that lately. And in some cases, I really do care. I've just forgotten how.

What else? This post is so long overdue that I can't really keep track, and so much has changed since it first edged its way into my brain. But it's all stuff I need to get out there, stuff I need to vent about.

I remember a long time ago, thinking about this post, sitting in my car. I think blckwngdorcl was with me. I was saying that I couldn't believe the person I had been back then. Manipulative. That's what I was. Extremely manipulative. A great deal of that I got from my mother. The manipulation and the passive-aggressiveness both. I had a great deal of each, and I knew how to use them. Unless they just never bothered to tell me that they were on to me, people didn't call me on it. They just did what I wanted. For feeling completely powerless and not really getting what I wanted in the areas of acclaim, I certainly got my way an awful lot. Control. I had it. I wasn't stupid, no matter how much I acted it. And I made up for my low-self-esteem and my feelings of lack of control in some areas of my life by being a manipulator extraordinaire in others. Make no doubt about it. For all the poor pitiful me stuff I wrote earlier (which was also true, at least as I saw it back then), I, on some level, knew exactly what I was doing, and I played that part to the hilt. Being a little bit trained in psychology, in addition to the examples provided by my mother, made me almost dangerous. Some people were immune to it, I think, looking back. Jensen, I think, and probably Frog. Leo, on the other hand. I have no idea how he put up with me, other than we got along on a lot of other levels. I have to agree with bulwerk that this particular bout of love brought out the best and the worst in me.

High highs and low lows. Ecstasy and despair. Joy, and the feeling of the glowing ember of the cigarette as I crushed it in the palm of my hand. Pleasure, and watching the blood flow from my skin. Happiness and the desire to die. It was all there. All twisted, self-loathing, hateful. The love was there, to be sure. But the desparation it was born out of... made it not the positive thing that it might have been otherwise.

I lamented to blckwngdorcl that I don't know how the people I hung out with then put up with me. I felt like I needed to call every one of them and apologize for what I was then. I figure either the good must have outweighed the bad, or, like myself, they were messed up, too, and just looking for a place to fit in. I don't know.

I'm sorry.

And that's really what it all boils down to. I see in simplysakka a great deal of what I was 10 years ago. The bad AND the good. And I just haven't forgiven myself for being that person, doing those things. I hate those parts of myself I perceived as bad back then. I hate being reminded of it. And, conversely, I am jealous of those good parts she still possesses that I feel like I've lost.

Mirror, Mirror.



I make me crazy.

Comments

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Yeah, some of your words hit home with me. Many. Particularly:

"I was the cool one, the calm one, the collected one. The educated one. I was the fixer."

"I took the high road. Drama? Absolutely. But it wasn't MY drama. All the people AROUND me. They're the ones with the drama. Never mind that I was the common denominator, never mind that I drew drama to me like a magnet. Never mind that with all that drama conveniently placed around me that I never had to look inside. Nothing to see here, folks. Not my issue. I'm fixing it, see? I'm above all that, but since I'm so fucking enlightened, I'll be happy to help out the poor slobs. Aren't I wonderful? And don't forget drama-free."

"Behind my desperation to be liked, to be perceived as a Good Person, I genuinely had a heart of gold. I really did care."

"I gave to others not selflessly, but at my own expense. I did so willingly, but I think some part of me always knew what I was doing. In my head, I was always keeping score. I never said so, of course, but I think I always wanted recognition for it. I got some, of course, but... I guess I wanted a return in kind. One I rarely got. Mostly because I had self-effaced so much at that point that I'm sure I was giving off the energy that I deserved none of that."

"High highs and low lows. Ecstasy and despair. Joy, and the feeling of the glowing ember of the cigarette as I crushed it in the palm of my hand. Pleasure, and watching the blood flow from my skin. Happiness and the desire to die. It was all there. All twisted, self-loathing, hateful. The love was there, to be sure."

There are other things I don't indentify with so well. I realize that many people see my life exclusively through my journal, so certain aspects of my life (i.e. the sexual ones) may stand out more than they are really meant to. I am not polyamorous for the sexual aspects of it; as a matter of fact, the person I've been most sexual with over the last month has been my husband. My focus with my OSOs has always been far more on the emotional aspect of our relationships as opposed to the sexual aspect. I just happen to write about my sexual exploits very liberally in my journal, so it may be perceived differently by those who read it.

~continued next comment~

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Another thing is being surrounded by people all the time. I can't handle that, and prefer most of my time to be spent alone. That is typically the reason why I limit contact with my OSOs to once a week. I don't even spend that much time with my husband; we usually prefer to *not* be on top of each other. I think this is definitely an aspect of my life that has changed, fairly dramatically. When I was in college, I needed people to be around me constantly. As it is, I need more alone time than anything these days. I am probably the most comfortable, the most happy, when I am absorbed in my own world. Selfish? Perhaps. My friends and loved ones get their "bites" of me each week. But I need my "Sakka time."

Yes, I am a helper, a fixer, one with a consummate "heart of gold." But I won't rush to help someone at my own expense if I can't "afford" it, per se. For example, I bought Retta a new phone battery last night because I knew I had the money. Being the "supporter" of myself, my husband, and somewhat of his son, I know that our bills and expenses have to come first. But knowing I could financially do it, I did it. The same goes for emotional expense. If any of my friends had come to me for "help" or "support" the end of last week or the beginning of this week, I would have been forced to tell them, "I'm sorry, I am broken myself, and I would be no good to you." Again, I think this is something that has changed for me, as I used to be pretty martyrish when it came to others. I won't say that I don't give to others at my own expense, I do, but it has reduced dramatically from what it used to be, and I tend to think it out more on terms of whether I believe I truly can do it or would it just be an overextension of myself.

All in all, I see where you are coming from. And perhaps I could, if I really put my mind to it, make a similar post as I see many things that are occurring in your life that, forgive the expression, make me cringe. (Examples... The OCD-like frantic housecleaning, *having* to have things done by a certain deadline rather than being more flexible, and lack of financial control.) Perhaps in a way, I've been where you are in those areas, and I've managed to move onward and upward from them. Still working on a lot of it, but at least I am moving forward, and not backward. I guess the point being we all grow, we all mature, at different levels, at different speeds.

The main focus in life, I believe, should be individual happiness and comfort, and a sense of being "appropriate" to oneself. I am working on that, but I think at this point in my life I'm closer than I've ever been before. Alanis Morrisette says it... "You live...you learn."

To close this comment, I quote isarma, who has given me the most amazing and validating affirmation that I've ever heard, and I use it often:

"Those who love me may do so for who I actually am.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I guess I don't see you as being alone too much, at least until recently, although I cheer for you silently when you do. You know how much I harp on you having time for yourself. (Which is, of course, just as much an admonition to myself.)

Certainly, our experiences aren't exactly the same. And you're right, no doubt I make you crazy sometimes, too. I find it "coincidental" and perhaps a bit ironic that it's the things that you identified about yourself a long time ago, and have worked past, that I exhibit now, that trigger it the most. Just one more way in which we are almost frightenly alike. I find it amusing, in a laughing-at-one's-self sort of way. I look forward to a "bookofmirrors makes me crazy" post. Be a great place for me to get some valuable insights, no doubt. :)

Something which I probably didn't make particularly clear in my original post, since I was sort of wallowing in the moment of it (or the past of it, as the case may be), was that, frustrating as it is at times, I truly see having lived with you as a gift. It HAS done exactly what I hoped it would do, what I talked about with you before we moved in together. I haven't really gotten involved a whole lot with trying to "fix" what I perceive as needing fixing. Really, thinking that something needs fixed implies, by definition, that you think it's broken, and that's really not a place I need to be in. It's my job to determine if *I* am broken in some way, and try to fix it, but really, in the long run, it's not my place to say if someone else is. I mean, yeah, certainly, I have opinions, but I've, for the most part, learned to not offer them to people unless asked. blckwngdorcl is invaluable as a sounding board for this sort of thing. It also forces me to look at what it is in myself that causes the reaction. Again, this has been invaluable to me. Another gift that our living arrangement has given to me.

blckwngdorcl says that I hold that time in my life very close to me. He's right, I do. He also says that it seems like I'm throwing out the baby with the bathwater - losing the caring along with the manipulation, and so on. He's probably very right.

Anyway, the point is, thanks for being you. Sometimes, frustrating as it can occassionally get, the type of "craziness" you elicit in me is just what I need. (But you may have to remind me of that sometimes.)

[isarma.livejournal.com]

Wow, I didn't know that! Thanks! I have to say that I admire both of you. Most people, when they experience tension, just bitch and moan and never really look at what, in them, is the enabling factor. It shows strength and love and courage.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

:) Thanks, sweetie. That means a lot, coming from you.

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Yes, I must say, I quote you all the time. And yes, I think comparatively, bookofmirrors and I, not only because we love each other dearly, but also because we are cerebral and analytical that way, can see these kinds of things for what they are and what they mean rather than letting the tensions build. We talk up a good storm, when we have the opportunity.

Meanwhile, this allows me the opportunity to ask you if I may add you to my friends list. Since the only thing listed on my profile page is your quote, I feel it only befits me having you as one of my LJ friends... :)

Of course!

[isarma.livejournal.com]

ah, that'd be nice, thanks. Fair warning, I might not add you back right away. None of my entries are locked or anything, so you can see it all, but I'm coming out of quite a crazy time and haven't had as much LJ time. So, my new rule, if I know you a bit personally and like you, I'll add you. Comment or im me or something, if you like.

Re: Of course!

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Well, considering I am bookofmirrors and blckwngdorcl's housemate and close friend, and I've known your sister elorie for many, many years, I think we should definitely meet sometime!

As far as adding me back, do that at your own discretion, of course. I don't consider it a necessity at all. I am prolific in my journaling, and I use it freely as a tool to wallow as well as rejoice, and I can be introspective at times. I am most certainly very open. I never begrudge people skimming my journal, for I tend to do that as well.

But anyway, just wanted to say that I've been a long admirer of yours, since your words have given me strength on so VERY many occasions. And I thank you heartily for that.

*adding you now*

Re: Of course!

[isarma.livejournal.com]

elorie is family, yes, but she's actually my step-aunt. I do have a filter labeled *prolific* just for folks like you, so I'll add you if I like and read it that way. Thanks again for the compliment.

[dv8dgrrl.livejournal.com]

Honey, I keep reading your posts and saying to myself, "Her and I need to have a loooooong talk". I see so much of myself in your writing. Or at least, I feel your words as they were mine, aside from different times, people, places, etc.
I just want to thank you for sharing.
*huggles*

[savage-rose.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

Your pain is unfolding...it's nice seeing you let it go. And as weird as it sounds, that egocentricism is in part what's healing you. Focusing on other people (as you said) is what held you back.

You were where my Mom IS. She's addicted to the people, addicted to helping them. I want to fix people, but I am learning to be more "positively egocentric". Thank you for sharing.

Always Loving You

[(Anonymous)]

Make no mistake Dear one... the past is the past. Although there are instances we like to forget, there are those in the same we hold dear. I was part of those "ten years back", I was one of the teenagers that hung at the house. I was part of the sex, the love, the debate, and the drama. And you my Dear Quib... have reflected on my life for the better. I am, as we are all, older now. Living thousands of miles away from you, and remembering you..."the mother of the house". However, please don't ever forget the kindness you held in your heart, the love in your soul, the sincerity in your helping hand. Ten years later... you are a part of me and who I have become. I also beleive that the boys that were in the house, some of them turned to men by you leaving this area. It perhaps was the wake up call to their lives. They knew what they lost when you left... their mother, their provider. In all respect to the wonderful things you did for them, it allowed them to be dependent on you for all they EVER needed. Including the "first blowjob". Perhaps you were used by them, but not by me. I want you to know that I never will forget you, I will always love you, and I will always be thankful to you. You will always be The Mother Of The House!!!! Peace be in your heart and love in your spirit always and forever!

Re: Always Loving You

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Wow.

Thank you, babe. I needed that. I miss those good things as much as I despise the bad. It's nice to know that what you remember are the good things. Maybe I can, too.

Frog

[(Anonymous)]

Of course I was immune baby ;)
By the way, what god was I?
I can't seem to remember that little detail anymore.

Re: Frog

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I can't remember the exact wording (the original of EVERYONE'S "jurisdictions" having been lost a few hard drives ago), but I believe it was something to the effect of:

God of Illicit Substances

;)