Since We're on the Subject of Dreams...
Mar. 25th, 2004 11:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsMost of the dreams I've had lately I really don't remember at all, but now that I'm kinda thinking about it, and I apparently have some free time on my hands, I'll write down the ones I remember (what I remember of them).
We interrupt this post to note that I JUST received a phonecall from Shoreham, the people who haven't paid me yet. The chick I've mostly been talking to wanted to know my social security number, date of birth, and tax exemptions, so she could put me back in the system. Something I thought she'd done Tuesday, while I was there. On one hand, I should be pleased that the ball seems to be rolling. On the other, I'm ticked that it took this long, took the leverage I pulled, and that it wasn't done DAYS ago when it SHOULD have been done, and when I THOUGHT it was done to begin with. Putting me in the system doesn't really do much for getting my back pay. Just for getting pay in the future. Grrr...
The most recent one I remember was actually yesterday. I remember very little of the dream except the last part. I was riding in a car with my mother. It was a 4-door car, and she was driving; I was in the back seat. (This is unusual. I almost always drive when we go somewhere together, and we always both sit in the front seat.) Anyway, we were driving by a stretch of woods in the subdivision where I grew up. Mom was commenting on how there seemed to be strawberries on the side of the road, and seemed disappointed that they weren't big enough to pick. Looking out the window, I could see they were bright red, but very tiny. Apparently, these were the first strawberries of the season. Her tone of voice indicated to me that she wished she could have some. Anyway, while I was looking, I noticed that there seemed to be some really huge strawberries as we were going along. I'm talking picture-perfect, redder-than-red, bigger-than-big strawberries. So, I opened the door and leaned out. Mom was driving pretty slow, so it wasn't really dangerous, but it did require some concentration on my part to pluck one of the strawberries. While I'm leaning out, trying to get her one of these strawberries, I can vaguely hear her yelling at me, presumably for hanging out of a moving vehicle. I couldn't really hear her with the wind in my ears, and wasn't really paying that much attention anyway, being intent on the strawberries.
When I triumphantly popped back into the car, perfect strawberry specimen in hand, and offered it to her, she started yelling at me. I don't remember the words, but the gist of it was that I didn't need to be getting any strawberries. Apparently, she was under the impression that I'd leaned out the car and stuffed myself with every strawberry we passed, and the implication was that I was too fat to be eating strawberries, or anything else, for that matter. I was really hurt by this. Partially 'cause it brought up all those old fat issues, and the guilt surrounding food, and partially 'cause I hadn't touched any of the strawberries for myself, I had gotten this for HER, 'cause she really seemed to want one. I remember feeling hurt, shocked, and angry. I remember saying, "Fuck you, Mom!", and I don't remember if I was able to tell her my true reason for getting the strawberry. I don't think so. I remember feeling tongue-tied because of my anger and hurt, and also feeling like whatever I said wouldn't matter, because she had already made her judgement of me.
I woke up still feeling angry. My mother wasn't there, but![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
blckwngdorcl was next to me, and I remember directing most of my anger towards him, strictly because he was there. I knew even as I did it that it wasn't fair, and he was sleeping, so it's not like he noticed, but it left me with a hollow, helpless feeling. I got up without waking him, but still kinda had that feeling of annoyance. He did eventually wake up, and as we were showering, he was telling me about his upcoming game, and some of the premises behind it, and I found myself almost in tears, because I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I didn't want to interrupt him. I did tell him, though, and he was sympathetic, and apologized for not noticing my distress. I told him that the anger was probably going to color my whole day.
"Not if you don't let it," he replied.
And, I didn't.
Shoreham has called me twice more as I've been writing this entry, getting various information to put me back in the system. I hope they don't think that anything short of placing a (good!) paycheck in my hands will get me back there, 'cause it won't.
I'm gonna look back a few entries, 'cause I think I may have already posted the other dream I'm thinking of. If not, I'll do it in a separate entry.
We interrupt this post to note that I JUST received a phonecall from Shoreham, the people who haven't paid me yet. The chick I've mostly been talking to wanted to know my social security number, date of birth, and tax exemptions, so she could put me back in the system. Something I thought she'd done Tuesday, while I was there. On one hand, I should be pleased that the ball seems to be rolling. On the other, I'm ticked that it took this long, took the leverage I pulled, and that it wasn't done DAYS ago when it SHOULD have been done, and when I THOUGHT it was done to begin with. Putting me in the system doesn't really do much for getting my back pay. Just for getting pay in the future. Grrr...
The most recent one I remember was actually yesterday. I remember very little of the dream except the last part. I was riding in a car with my mother. It was a 4-door car, and she was driving; I was in the back seat. (This is unusual. I almost always drive when we go somewhere together, and we always both sit in the front seat.) Anyway, we were driving by a stretch of woods in the subdivision where I grew up. Mom was commenting on how there seemed to be strawberries on the side of the road, and seemed disappointed that they weren't big enough to pick. Looking out the window, I could see they were bright red, but very tiny. Apparently, these were the first strawberries of the season. Her tone of voice indicated to me that she wished she could have some. Anyway, while I was looking, I noticed that there seemed to be some really huge strawberries as we were going along. I'm talking picture-perfect, redder-than-red, bigger-than-big strawberries. So, I opened the door and leaned out. Mom was driving pretty slow, so it wasn't really dangerous, but it did require some concentration on my part to pluck one of the strawberries. While I'm leaning out, trying to get her one of these strawberries, I can vaguely hear her yelling at me, presumably for hanging out of a moving vehicle. I couldn't really hear her with the wind in my ears, and wasn't really paying that much attention anyway, being intent on the strawberries.
When I triumphantly popped back into the car, perfect strawberry specimen in hand, and offered it to her, she started yelling at me. I don't remember the words, but the gist of it was that I didn't need to be getting any strawberries. Apparently, she was under the impression that I'd leaned out the car and stuffed myself with every strawberry we passed, and the implication was that I was too fat to be eating strawberries, or anything else, for that matter. I was really hurt by this. Partially 'cause it brought up all those old fat issues, and the guilt surrounding food, and partially 'cause I hadn't touched any of the strawberries for myself, I had gotten this for HER, 'cause she really seemed to want one. I remember feeling hurt, shocked, and angry. I remember saying, "Fuck you, Mom!", and I don't remember if I was able to tell her my true reason for getting the strawberry. I don't think so. I remember feeling tongue-tied because of my anger and hurt, and also feeling like whatever I said wouldn't matter, because she had already made her judgement of me.
I woke up still feeling angry. My mother wasn't there, but
blckwngdorcl was next to me, and I remember directing most of my anger towards him, strictly because he was there. I knew even as I did it that it wasn't fair, and he was sleeping, so it's not like he noticed, but it left me with a hollow, helpless feeling. I got up without waking him, but still kinda had that feeling of annoyance. He did eventually wake up, and as we were showering, he was telling me about his upcoming game, and some of the premises behind it, and I found myself almost in tears, because I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I didn't want to interrupt him. I did tell him, though, and he was sympathetic, and apologized for not noticing my distress. I told him that the anger was probably going to color my whole day. "Not if you don't let it," he replied.
And, I didn't.
Shoreham has called me twice more as I've been writing this entry, getting various information to put me back in the system. I hope they don't think that anything short of placing a (good!) paycheck in my hands will get me back there, 'cause it won't.
I'm gonna look back a few entries, 'cause I think I may have already posted the other dream I'm thinking of. If not, I'll do it in a separate entry.
