bookofmirrors | Workshop, Day Four

First of all a quickie to

kapua23 - apparently, my Trillian away message disappeared. I wasn't ignoring any of you. :)

Not for any bad reasons. Just because it was nearly indescribable.

blckwngdorcl didn't go. Yesterday took too much out of him physically, and he spent another day in bed. It was OK, though. I'm not sure what changed. I trusted him again. I didn't hold his sickness against him, I didn't blame him for not going. I felt absolutely at peace with it.

Actually, the peace was a holdover from yesterday that just stayed with me when I woke up this morning. In fact, I was at the gas station this morning, just sort of blissing out, thinking to myself what an absolutely beautiful day it was. It wasn't until several minutes later that I noticed that, by most standards, it really wasn't a beautiful day. It was gray, and the leaves on the trees hadn't yet begun to bud, so there was a starkness about the day. One might almost say it was dreary. But even after I noticed all that, it was still beautiful.

The day started out with Walid telling us that today we were going to celebrate ourselves, each other. We grouped off in sets of 4, and created little spaces for ourselves. People had brought beautiful cloths to drape around, stones, wings, flowers... things to make the space beautiful. We gathered pillows and cushions around and created a soft space. We took turns being the one being celebrated. We raised energy, then led the person into the space to celebrate them. For all practical purposes, we gave them a massage, but that really doesn't begin to describe it. It was three on one, and there was so much beautiful, loving energy flowing. I was feeling expansive and motherly, so I chose to receive last. The first two were good. The third lady to go had a tremendous experience, yelling, and crying, and releasing, she said later, more than she ever had before. She simply glowed afterwards. I was at her head at the time, and laughing and crying as she let go of those things that had hurt her, which no longer served her. It was beautiful.

When my turn came, I had no expectations, and very little nervousness. I was physically very ready to be taken care of, if for no other reason than the exercises we did to raise energy were killing my thighs and knees. It wasn't so much pain anymore (although there was that, too), but the muscles were just about to collapse, so I was going to be happy to lie down. Let me clarify the massage thing. It wasn't that so much... I mean, there were elements of that, to be sure. Other times it was stroking, holding, using objects to stimulate the skin (we had rabbit fur and a scarf, and one lady wanted her necklace dragged over her skin), kissing, just being with the other person. During one of the times where I was on the giving end, I spent a great deal of time just holding and moving the energy, because that's what felt right to do.

Anyway, back to my turn. :)

It took a long long time for me to get out of my head and feel. I think, for me, it was about acceptance. Learning to accept from others. I give a lot. I think I underestimate that in myself, because my giving used to be the more obvious, tangible kind, like

simplysakka does. But whether it looks it or not, I do give a lot. I think I just do it more subtly. It's my path, sure, but I think I need to remember to receive, as well.

And that's what I did. And it was lovely. It wasn't until the end, when I was wrapped up in blankets and resting that I could feel the energy. It wasn't the tingly this-is-such-a-powerful-kickass-ritual kind of energy. It was more like the energy of the universe. Like I could feel my own aura, and it was the aura of everyone around me, everyone everywhere, everything. Connectedness.

I feel myself having a bit of a hard time maintaining it. I admit that. It's an almost intimidating feeling, and I feel myself shying away from it a little. But if I concentrate... well... that's not true. If I STOP concentrating, I can feel it.

Pam gave us all little red glass hearts, and told me to take two, so

blckwngdorcl could have one, too. I was planning on putting them on our relationship altar, but now I don't know. Maybe I'll just carry them around with me. We'll see. Whatever is decided is OK.

I'm sad that it's over. Everyone agreed that we want another workshop next year. The old fears about the cost of it surface for me, but I know it's worth every penny, and worth the time spent. We beg for more time every year, actually, knowing it's going to cost more, and we don't care.

It's funny. I hope I've done the experience justice, and I know I haven't. I was talking to another woman at the workshop, and saying that I try to explain it to people, and they don't seem to get it. She agreed. She pantomined explaining it to someone else - "We do this!" [bouncing in the vertical vibration position we've been doing the whole time] I laughed, and responded, "Yeah! And it's really transformative!" We both laughed.

Anyway, I'm sad it's over, I'm overjoyed it happened, and we didn't get a lunch break today, and I'm fucking starving. There's a

blckwngdorcl and a restaurant with my name on it!