Workshop, Day Three
Feb. 22nd, 2004 10:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsActually, let me talk a little bit about last night before I go on to today.
I went upstairs after making my previous entry, and talked with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
blckwngdorcl. To be honest, I don't even remember what I said. All I know is that it ended up with me sobbing in his arms for a long time, and him holding me. I remember finally opening my eyes, and him saying to me that he was still here, and not going anywhere. That meant a lot to me.
He said later that I was as angry as he'd ever seen me be at him. Actually, I would have thought it was the first time he stayed out all night gaming with people when we didn't all live in the same house. But, perhaps the energy was different.
Anyway.
I think we started out doing some dancing and/or yoga-like exercises. I can't remember which came first. It was hard for me to find a rhythm, something that felt right, and when I finally did, Pam came by and told me I was doing it wrong, and it never felt natural after that. In the meantime, my legs were killing me. I have discovered that it feels extremely unnatural, and often painful, for me not to lock my knees. Of course, everything I've ever read, both physiological and psychological, on the subject says that locking your knees is, in general, not a good thing, so I was trying really hard not to do it, but it was a strain, and affected everything else I did. So it was hard for me to keep the movements, and really lose myself in them. (Hmmm... interesting. The typo I just made, and, of course, corrected, was "love myself in them"... how very fitting.) There was a point where we paired up and did this serpentine movement with our partner as a dance, which was kinda like a standing fuck, but without the connotations. It's actually hard to describe how all these really sexual things that we did produced this (almost always) non-sexual, but fucking incredible, connection.
And did I mention thatblckwngdorcl was my partner today??? It was wonderful to have him there. Anyway, the energy produced in the serpentine dance did feel pretty sexual to me, as well as connecting, but I couldn't concentrate on it much, 'cause my legs were killing me. I enjoyed what I could, but it was hard for me to get out of my head and just feel it.
We did something else after that... don't remember how it started, but it ended up with one person lying on their side, and the other person placing a hand at the back of their neck, and behind their thighs, in what was pretty much a cradling position. The whole exercise had been extremely enjoyable for me, but it was at that moment, whenblckwngdorcl cradled me, that I suddenly felt it. The connection with the male energy that I'd been missing all weekend. "This is it! This is what I want, what I've wanted all along!" It was lovely just to be there, feeling that.
Afterwards, we did this really really awesome exercise where we walked around with our eyes closed and just touched whoever we came in contact with. (I'm oversimplifying it greatly, and not doing it justice, but there's a reason for this.) This was also very powerful. I ended up touching, and staying with, another woman in the group. I actually recognized her by touch, even though my eyes were closed, 'cause she had very distinctive hair. But it was a beautiful thing to just explore her body, as she explored mine. No sexuality, but much sensuality, and pure connection. And then I felt connected with the feminine energy. There was a joy there, a sense of belonging that I've never before allowed myself to fully feel. Lovely, just lovely. Strangely enough, somehowblckwngdorcl had found me in the crowd, and he ended up just staying at my back while I explored this woman, and I felt surrounded by that energy, male and female, and it was just... quietly spectacular.
Later we danced... all together, for our partners, the men for the women, the women for the men, the men for the men, and the women for the women. Again, with the women, I felt the connection. Joyous abandon. Something I never never allowed myself to do with women before. The message (not in so many words of course) I got from my mother was, "Don't be loud or flambouyant in the house. Use your inside voice. Don't make a mess. Go outside. And don't be loud or flamboyant out there, either, 'cause who knows what the neighbors will say." So, dancing with abandon was certainly not something I would have done in front of her, or pretty much anyone else. But, strangely enough, I felt more free dancing with/for the women than with any other group.
*blissful sigh*
That pretty much wipedblckwngdorcl out. He was starting to get sweats and chills again, headache-y, not able to breathe, et cetera, so he sat out the next exercise. This exercise was having the men go into two circles, and the woman go into two circles. One by one, a woman would go into the center of the men's circle, and vice versa. While in the circle, the person would say something like, "As a wo/man, I need ______ from you wo/men." (As a man, I need X from women, as a woman I need X from men.) Actually, most of us pretty much just said "I need ______.", because the above template had already been set in place, and it was understood. After the person had said something to each member in the circle, the person went around again to receive the answers. It was beautiful to hold that energy for them. It felt very goddess-y. In fact, I'm not entirely sure my words were completely my own. I remember noticing that my responses were almost always very poetic and poignant, while being completely unrehearsed, but I don't remember what most of the them were. I remember two, though. The first man (blckwngdorcl had to remind me of what the man said later, because I had forgotten... he heard it from all the way across the room, mutant freak that he is) said, "I need you to trust me." I think the reason that blckwngdorcl picked up on that is because it's been an issue between the two of us for a bit now. I remember my response to the man was something like, "I open myself to you in perfect trust". I'm working on that with blckwngdorcl. He deserves that. The other one I remember was the man saying "I need you to love me." I think my response was, "All the love of the Universe is mine to give, and I offer it to you freely." See? All beautiful and shit. :)
I don't remember everything I asked for when I was in the circle. I remember saying "I need you to respect me", "I need your tenderness", "I need to see you, and show you who I am" (paraphrasing that one heavily... don't remember the actual words)... all those were responded to positively. There were a couple that stuck out in my mind. For the most part, I attached the need to the man I was saying it to. For instance, I chose respect for a man that was much older than myself, thinking that it would be hardest for an older man to respect a younger woman. Of course, none of it was that calculated, and it was a snap decision based more on instint than intellect, but you get the idea. Anyway, one of the guys there, who I've been in workshops with before, so I feel like I know him quite a bit, and who also happened to go through the first Core training that Pam offered, was there. To him, I said, "I need you to fight with me." When I went back around to him, he gave the best answer. He responded, "When you push me, I won't back away." I felt extremely honored by that answer. He'd heard what I said, in spite of my words, and made that completely obvious in his answer. Even as my heart was opening to receive and feel this, and was happy, my intellect kicked in from my own training in therapy. Part of me was cheering him on - "Good reflecting skills, man! Way to go!" lol Also there was a younger man. He's close to my age group, and pretty fucking cool. He was at last year's workshop, and also sees Pam, so we sometimes cross paths when he's leaving a session and we're coming to ours. Anyway, he's cool and good-looking, so he was the one I chose to tell, "I need you to want me." His response when I got back to him was, "I do want you." In kind of a "Duh fashion, like it should have been obvious to me. That felt really good, even moreso because I had the sense that it wasn't just from the Universal Man role he was playing, but that he was saying it from himself to me, personally. Not that that meant anything, or that it was anything I really wanted or needed to follow through on, but it was just really really nice to hear, and to hear it that way. Funny thing is,blckwngdorcl tells me the same thing, in much the same way, and it's harder for me to believe it. Maybe it will be easier now.
The next exercise was more physical. It was pretty low-key, but once we actually tried it (blckwngdorcl was my partner again) it turned out to be pretty hard on the legs. We ended up having to stop, so Walid put us in another position, which was nice, although neither of us felt the incredible energy flow which was reported by just about everyone else who did it.
The last exercise before we ended for the day was a position we just laid in for a while. I can't describe it without visuals, but it was a casual sprawl that put the (fully clothed) genitals on one person in contact with the genitals of another, while in a completely relaxed sprawling position. Walid likened it to the genitals kissing, which was very much what it seemed like. And we just laid there and experienced that. That was a beautiful, incredible energy. Soft, so soft, but with the power of the Universe behind it. Honestly, I could have probably cum just from lying there, if that had been my goal, but I was too interested in just being in the moment and enjoying the energy for what it was, that I didn't try.
Anyway, the day was beautiful. I enjoyed it immensely. It was hard onblckwngdorcl, though, and he's not 100% sure he'll be able to go tomorrow. I told him (and it's true) that I no longer distrusted his motives or had any bad feelings about him not being there because of that, but that I still had a preference for him to be there. I figure he can sit out of what he can't do, and do what he can. But that's up to him. And I love him, no matter what.
I went upstairs after making my previous entry, and talked with
blckwngdorcl. To be honest, I don't even remember what I said. All I know is that it ended up with me sobbing in his arms for a long time, and him holding me. I remember finally opening my eyes, and him saying to me that he was still here, and not going anywhere. That meant a lot to me.He said later that I was as angry as he'd ever seen me be at him. Actually, I would have thought it was the first time he stayed out all night gaming with people when we didn't all live in the same house. But, perhaps the energy was different.
Anyway.
I think we started out doing some dancing and/or yoga-like exercises. I can't remember which came first. It was hard for me to find a rhythm, something that felt right, and when I finally did, Pam came by and told me I was doing it wrong, and it never felt natural after that. In the meantime, my legs were killing me. I have discovered that it feels extremely unnatural, and often painful, for me not to lock my knees. Of course, everything I've ever read, both physiological and psychological, on the subject says that locking your knees is, in general, not a good thing, so I was trying really hard not to do it, but it was a strain, and affected everything else I did. So it was hard for me to keep the movements, and really lose myself in them. (Hmmm... interesting. The typo I just made, and, of course, corrected, was "love myself in them"... how very fitting.) There was a point where we paired up and did this serpentine movement with our partner as a dance, which was kinda like a standing fuck, but without the connotations. It's actually hard to describe how all these really sexual things that we did produced this (almost always) non-sexual, but fucking incredible, connection.
And did I mention that
blckwngdorcl was my partner today??? It was wonderful to have him there. Anyway, the energy produced in the serpentine dance did feel pretty sexual to me, as well as connecting, but I couldn't concentrate on it much, 'cause my legs were killing me. I enjoyed what I could, but it was hard for me to get out of my head and just feel it.We did something else after that... don't remember how it started, but it ended up with one person lying on their side, and the other person placing a hand at the back of their neck, and behind their thighs, in what was pretty much a cradling position. The whole exercise had been extremely enjoyable for me, but it was at that moment, when
blckwngdorcl cradled me, that I suddenly felt it. The connection with the male energy that I'd been missing all weekend. "This is it! This is what I want, what I've wanted all along!" It was lovely just to be there, feeling that. Afterwards, we did this really really awesome exercise where we walked around with our eyes closed and just touched whoever we came in contact with. (I'm oversimplifying it greatly, and not doing it justice, but there's a reason for this.) This was also very powerful. I ended up touching, and staying with, another woman in the group. I actually recognized her by touch, even though my eyes were closed, 'cause she had very distinctive hair. But it was a beautiful thing to just explore her body, as she explored mine. No sexuality, but much sensuality, and pure connection. And then I felt connected with the feminine energy. There was a joy there, a sense of belonging that I've never before allowed myself to fully feel. Lovely, just lovely. Strangely enough, somehow
blckwngdorcl had found me in the crowd, and he ended up just staying at my back while I explored this woman, and I felt surrounded by that energy, male and female, and it was just... quietly spectacular.Later we danced... all together, for our partners, the men for the women, the women for the men, the men for the men, and the women for the women. Again, with the women, I felt the connection. Joyous abandon. Something I never never allowed myself to do with women before. The message (not in so many words of course) I got from my mother was, "Don't be loud or flambouyant in the house. Use your inside voice. Don't make a mess. Go outside. And don't be loud or flamboyant out there, either, 'cause who knows what the neighbors will say." So, dancing with abandon was certainly not something I would have done in front of her, or pretty much anyone else. But, strangely enough, I felt more free dancing with/for the women than with any other group.
*blissful sigh*
That pretty much wiped
blckwngdorcl out. He was starting to get sweats and chills again, headache-y, not able to breathe, et cetera, so he sat out the next exercise. This exercise was having the men go into two circles, and the woman go into two circles. One by one, a woman would go into the center of the men's circle, and vice versa. While in the circle, the person would say something like, "As a wo/man, I need ______ from you wo/men." (As a man, I need X from women, as a woman I need X from men.) Actually, most of us pretty much just said "I need ______.", because the above template had already been set in place, and it was understood. After the person had said something to each member in the circle, the person went around again to receive the answers. It was beautiful to hold that energy for them. It felt very goddess-y. In fact, I'm not entirely sure my words were completely my own. I remember noticing that my responses were almost always very poetic and poignant, while being completely unrehearsed, but I don't remember what most of the them were. I remember two, though. The first man (blckwngdorcl had to remind me of what the man said later, because I had forgotten... he heard it from all the way across the room, mutant freak that he is) said, "I need you to trust me." I think the reason that blckwngdorcl picked up on that is because it's been an issue between the two of us for a bit now. I remember my response to the man was something like, "I open myself to you in perfect trust". I'm working on that with blckwngdorcl. He deserves that. The other one I remember was the man saying "I need you to love me." I think my response was, "All the love of the Universe is mine to give, and I offer it to you freely." See? All beautiful and shit. :)I don't remember everything I asked for when I was in the circle. I remember saying "I need you to respect me", "I need your tenderness", "I need to see you, and show you who I am" (paraphrasing that one heavily... don't remember the actual words)... all those were responded to positively. There were a couple that stuck out in my mind. For the most part, I attached the need to the man I was saying it to. For instance, I chose respect for a man that was much older than myself, thinking that it would be hardest for an older man to respect a younger woman. Of course, none of it was that calculated, and it was a snap decision based more on instint than intellect, but you get the idea. Anyway, one of the guys there, who I've been in workshops with before, so I feel like I know him quite a bit, and who also happened to go through the first Core training that Pam offered, was there. To him, I said, "I need you to fight with me." When I went back around to him, he gave the best answer. He responded, "When you push me, I won't back away." I felt extremely honored by that answer. He'd heard what I said, in spite of my words, and made that completely obvious in his answer. Even as my heart was opening to receive and feel this, and was happy, my intellect kicked in from my own training in therapy. Part of me was cheering him on - "Good reflecting skills, man! Way to go!" lol Also there was a younger man. He's close to my age group, and pretty fucking cool. He was at last year's workshop, and also sees Pam, so we sometimes cross paths when he's leaving a session and we're coming to ours. Anyway, he's cool and good-looking, so he was the one I chose to tell, "I need you to want me." His response when I got back to him was, "I do want you." In kind of a "Duh fashion, like it should have been obvious to me. That felt really good, even moreso because I had the sense that it wasn't just from the Universal Man role he was playing, but that he was saying it from himself to me, personally. Not that that meant anything, or that it was anything I really wanted or needed to follow through on, but it was just really really nice to hear, and to hear it that way. Funny thing is,
blckwngdorcl tells me the same thing, in much the same way, and it's harder for me to believe it. Maybe it will be easier now. The next exercise was more physical. It was pretty low-key, but once we actually tried it (
blckwngdorcl was my partner again) it turned out to be pretty hard on the legs. We ended up having to stop, so Walid put us in another position, which was nice, although neither of us felt the incredible energy flow which was reported by just about everyone else who did it. The last exercise before we ended for the day was a position we just laid in for a while. I can't describe it without visuals, but it was a casual sprawl that put the (fully clothed) genitals on one person in contact with the genitals of another, while in a completely relaxed sprawling position. Walid likened it to the genitals kissing, which was very much what it seemed like. And we just laid there and experienced that. That was a beautiful, incredible energy. Soft, so soft, but with the power of the Universe behind it. Honestly, I could have probably cum just from lying there, if that had been my goal, but I was too interested in just being in the moment and enjoying the energy for what it was, that I didn't try.
Anyway, the day was beautiful. I enjoyed it immensely. It was hard on
blckwngdorcl, though, and he's not 100% sure he'll be able to go tomorrow. I told him (and it's true) that I no longer distrusted his motives or had any bad feelings about him not being there because of that, but that I still had a preference for him to be there. I figure he can sit out of what he can't do, and do what he can. But that's up to him. And I love him, no matter what.
