bookofmirrors | Ramblings

Don't expect this to make sense. I'm not thinking particularly clearly.

I feel like shit. After yesterday's (well, Sunday's, which isn't really yesterday anymore) burst of household productivity, and the delightfully clean main level to show for it, I've pretty much crashed. I should know better, of course. My sinuses have been acting up for weeks, and I knew (and ignored) that being around all that dust and such yesterday would set me off. So, today, in addition to the continuing sinuses from hell, my asthma has been off the scale. As in, a 20-foot trip from the bedroom to the bathroom left me reaching for my inhaler. I've spent most of the day in bed, and the only productive thing I did was drive

liljuice to school and pay the gas bill.

Of course, now, it's late, I'm not particularly tired, but I am exhausted; I don't wanna be up, but I don't wanna be in bed; I wanna curl up with

blckwngdorcl, but I don't wanna keep him awake with my restlessness. We agreed that tomorrow, if I still feel like shit, I'll call into work and make a doctor's appointment. I need prednisone and a Z-pac. Such simple things. I know what I need, seems like I should just be able to have it. But, the simple act of doing all that involves all sorts of complications.

1 - Calling off work. I SO don't want to do that. It's a new job, and I just finished my whole blood training, and am starting on the supervisory training. Doesn't matter that Red Cross seems to actually care, and they're well aware that there's something going around, and everyone and their brother seems to have been calling off lately - I lost a job once by being sick during the probationary period, so now I'm overly concerned about it. I LIKE this job so far, and I'd like to keep it.

2 - My insurance hasn't kicked in yet. Any trips to the doctor, and subsequent prescriptions, are out of pocket.

3 - I have less than $20 to my name. This is an improvement, actually, which makes it even sadder. The bills are pretty much all paid, at least. But, the office visit alone is $35 (which, incidentally, is a great price for an office visit here).

4 - So, in order to go to the doctor, I'd have to call my father for money. Granted, I've been putting off this exact phone call for weeks, hoping the infection would go away, but I was really hoping not to have to make it at all.

*sigh*

So, on top of all this, my mind is sluggish, and I think of stupid shit all the time. Variations on my Private Moments post a while back, but with everything seen through a bitter, melancholy filter. Thinking of

dai_syn's most recent post, and how far I feel from that right now. Feeling like I've made no progress in my life at all. Past accomplishments becoming dim in my memory, while past despairs are in clearer focus. Exhausted enough that I can actually feel some of the anger I keep bottled up inside, but too exhausted to care, or to bother to express it. No focus to anything, and a constant dull throb in my head.

And, the longer I sit here, the more I realize I have nothing really to say.