Tea, Earl Grey, Hot
Feb. 5th, 2003 02:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsThat, and maple and brown sugar oatmeal. Which, at this exact moment, are probably the most comforting things in the house. Well, the cats notwithstanding...
Anyway,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
isarma pointed out a good reason to use the cut-tag, that has nothing to do with censorship... but, as she pointed out, anyone who has me on their friends list pretty much gets this insanely long post on that page (when I make insanely long posts, that is), which can be annoying, not to mention slow to load.
So, I'll give that a try. And, oh, dear Reader, how very lucky you are that she pointed this out to me, because now you have the option of completely ignoring the following
(Now we'll see if this thing actually works... if it doesn't, oh well. Even though my handy-dandy little fox icon says I'm depressed, I'm actually closer to numb at this point. There is an icon for numb, but I'm kinda hoping once I get all this bullshit out of my system, I'll feel depressed again. I mean, not that it's all that fun to feel depressed, but I've had to get through the past few days, so it's gotten progressively easier to shove these feelings down so I can function something akin to normal. No one told me I looked sick today (as opposed to yesterday), so it must be working.
Forgive me... I'm gonna be all over the place before I actually get to the root of this. Partially fear, no doubt.
I will say, for the record, that even though my logical, trained-in-this-shit mind can clearly see that this *is* a self-pitying melodramatic rant (and is therefore bullshit), my emotions could really give a fuck, and I still *feel* this way (once I get past the numbness... which is familiar and somewhat comforting, but something I find harder to maintain now that I'm in therapy... go Pam). So, if you choose to comment, don't bother telling me it's stupid to feel this way, that I'm overreacting, that I'm completely taking information out of context, and focusing on the bad stuff. I know that already. And telling myself that really doesn't help make it go away. It just makes me feel stupid on top of everything else.
I'm trying to think back to when this started, what particular thing set this all off, and I'm not really sure there is one particular thing. Glenn wrote of me in his blog "Anyways, I woke up, got ready and K'La picked me up for work. I could tell that she was depressed about something, probably having to do with the fact that we haven't had sex in about a week, which just made me feel like crap even more." Actually, it's been more than a week, and it's not the sex per se. It's the reasons I've decided he won't have sex with me to begin with. And, probably, the thing that brought it to a head was a "scheduled" sexual activity that didn't actually happen.
Basically, I'm convinced that Glenn doesn't wanna have sex with me because I'm not attractive to him.
Hell, I even have reasons for it. First of all, he's told me I'm not his type, physically. That's pretty blatant. I'm convinced that if he thought I was hot, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me, or his dick in his pants when I'm around. Sure, he tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful and all that, and he touches me non-sexually, but I'm having trouble believing his words when his actions tell me otherwise. Further, while he's asleep, he has been known on several occassions to grope me, dry fuck me, and grab my hand and put it on his dick. He has no memory of this upon waking, of course. So, he wants to fuck *someone*, but it's apparently not me, 'cause I'm around when he's awake, and he doesn't seem interested. He's actually had a few dreams where there have been women he's wanted to fuck, or felt a connection to. And yeah, sure, dreams are dreams, and wanting to fuck someone in your dreams is no big deal. Done it myself. But Glenn's dreams are often significant. Past lives, major happenings, etc.. And the dreams he's mentioned in this case are pretty much all the significant type, that I can't just write off to an idle horny dream. In his latest dream, he says "The first dealt with a decidedly modern goth chick with grey eyes. I remember telling her that I thought that she had the most beautiful eyes that I had ever seen. She seem genuinely pleased to her that. What followed was almost like a collection of snapshots of her and I, for a lack of a better way to put it, dating. Throughout the dream, I feel good, almost like I am complete on some esoteric level. As soon as the dream was over, I was filled with this sense of total loss, of worthlessness." Y'know what the funny thing is? Right about the same day Glenn had this dream (hell, for all I know, it was the same time, too, given our sleeping schedules), Shawn came up to talk to me, and stopped in mid-sentence to tell me I had very pretty eyes. He kinda went on about it for a while, including a comment that they looked gray to him. And I'd like to think I'm the person in his dream, but you'd think if it was me, he'd recognize me...
Anyway, I could come up with other examples of why I think my lack of sex life is related to my looks, but you get the idea.
The problem is, I find him horribly attractive. I *do* have trouble keeping my hands off him. I walked past the bedroom today and looked at him, asleep, sprawled, and naked, the covers doing very little to hide his body from me, and just felt this rush of love, and this huge desire to go touch him, hold him, make love to him. And then I realized that he would never feel that way about me. And not only does that hurt like hell, knowing that I can't elicit that reaction in my own husband, but I think how horrible it is for him that he's cast his lot with me, and thereby denied himself ever feeling that way. People *should* go crazy for their partners... crazy in love, crazy in lust, crazy in rage when someone hurts them. And I feel like I'm denying him that rush of emotion, that feeling I can't even describe, but it makes my heart ache when I just look at him, and makes me want to touch him in every way possible and never stop. The feelings he doesn't have for me.
And I'm sitting here typing this, and barely feeling anything. I've gotten too good at burying it, I waited too long to write it down.
All I know is that I've felt completely ugly, completely undesirable, and completely incapable of making him happy for the past few days. Of course, everything seems to point in that direction, too. Movies or TV shows... Shallow Hal and two episodes of the Simpsons, both having to deal with body image... idle comments from people... Rob saying I wasn't as hot as Shawn anyway... and no, I'm not singling that comment out... there were more, by other people, but that was the most recent, and the one I remember... Tim not wanting to have sex with me... of course, he had other reasons, but that doesn't mean he'd fuck me if those other reasons didn't exist... I mean, if those reasons went away, for all I know, he still wouldn't want to fuck me 'cause I digust him looks-wise. And, these are probably little things, and little slights (albeit true statements) that I overlook on a daily basis... but for the past 3 days, they've been sticking out like sore thumbs to me.
I was literally nauseous this morning with the stress of it all. And I don't normally get nauseous with stress. If anything, I eat *more*.
And I still feel numb. I don't know if this has helped me at all, with the possible exception that Glenn will read this someday, and know why I've been upset the past few days. I don't blame him; I blame myself. He asked me what was wrong the other night, and after a long time of getting my courage up, I said "I'm upset with myself for being ugly, and I'm upset with you for noticing." Unfortunately, I happened to have my head buried in his chest at the time, so he didn't hear me, and I couldn't bring myself to say it twice.
So, here I sit, wallowing in this utter *bullshit* melodrama, and getting it all out on virtual paper hasn't done shit to purge myself of it. I even tried the cleansing shower thing (no time for bath) today, but couldn't bring myself to let go of it. It's like I refuse to forgive myself for it, and don't want anyone else to, either.
And yeah, I've gone through that whole diatribe in my head... lose weight, cut/color my hair, get those kickass glitter contacts thatelorie showed me... basically, make myself desirable. Of course, there are a couple of problems with that. The first being that doing so, or acknowledging that I could, and starting, would mean I couldn't wallow in this shit, and some part of me must be enjoying this on some level, or I wouldn't be still doing it, right? The second is that, in my current state of mind, I don't have much confidence in my ability to do much of anything.
On the bright side (there's a bright side???), in theory, I'm suddenly creating this rift between Glenn and myself because we've either just gotten closer, or we're about to, and fear of intimacy has made me fight it. I guess the possibility that we could be closer is a nice prospect, whether or not I believe in it at the present moment. Of course, I'm going into martyr mode, where I'll just suffer it all out, and put on a happy face (still working on that part), as long as Glenn's happy. He can fuck other people, after all, so it's not like he'd be missing out on the potential hottie. And how fucking pathetic is *that*??? It's too bad one can't type with the back of one's hand stapled to one's forehead.
Whatever. If you've made it through this pathetic meandering, you have my condolences. I'm going to bed now. You can add annoyed to my list of numbed emotions that I'm feeling right now. I've waited for days to get all this out, and now I've done it, and I don't feel a bit better.
AND, I've proven myself to be a neurotic bitch. Lovely.
Anyway,
isarma pointed out a good reason to use the cut-tag, that has nothing to do with censorship... but, as she pointed out, anyone who has me on their friends list pretty much gets this insanely long post on that page (when I make insanely long posts, that is), which can be annoying, not to mention slow to load. So, I'll give that a try. And, oh, dear Reader, how very lucky you are that she pointed this out to me, because now you have the option of completely ignoring the following
(Now we'll see if this thing actually works... if it doesn't, oh well. Even though my handy-dandy little fox icon says I'm depressed, I'm actually closer to numb at this point. There is an icon for numb, but I'm kinda hoping once I get all this bullshit out of my system, I'll feel depressed again. I mean, not that it's all that fun to feel depressed, but I've had to get through the past few days, so it's gotten progressively easier to shove these feelings down so I can function something akin to normal. No one told me I looked sick today (as opposed to yesterday), so it must be working.
Forgive me... I'm gonna be all over the place before I actually get to the root of this. Partially fear, no doubt.
I will say, for the record, that even though my logical, trained-in-this-shit mind can clearly see that this *is* a self-pitying melodramatic rant (and is therefore bullshit), my emotions could really give a fuck, and I still *feel* this way (once I get past the numbness... which is familiar and somewhat comforting, but something I find harder to maintain now that I'm in therapy... go Pam). So, if you choose to comment, don't bother telling me it's stupid to feel this way, that I'm overreacting, that I'm completely taking information out of context, and focusing on the bad stuff. I know that already. And telling myself that really doesn't help make it go away. It just makes me feel stupid on top of everything else.
I'm trying to think back to when this started, what particular thing set this all off, and I'm not really sure there is one particular thing. Glenn wrote of me in his blog "Anyways, I woke up, got ready and K'La picked me up for work. I could tell that she was depressed about something, probably having to do with the fact that we haven't had sex in about a week, which just made me feel like crap even more." Actually, it's been more than a week, and it's not the sex per se. It's the reasons I've decided he won't have sex with me to begin with. And, probably, the thing that brought it to a head was a "scheduled" sexual activity that didn't actually happen.
Basically, I'm convinced that Glenn doesn't wanna have sex with me because I'm not attractive to him.
Hell, I even have reasons for it. First of all, he's told me I'm not his type, physically. That's pretty blatant. I'm convinced that if he thought I was hot, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me, or his dick in his pants when I'm around. Sure, he tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful and all that, and he touches me non-sexually, but I'm having trouble believing his words when his actions tell me otherwise. Further, while he's asleep, he has been known on several occassions to grope me, dry fuck me, and grab my hand and put it on his dick. He has no memory of this upon waking, of course. So, he wants to fuck *someone*, but it's apparently not me, 'cause I'm around when he's awake, and he doesn't seem interested. He's actually had a few dreams where there have been women he's wanted to fuck, or felt a connection to. And yeah, sure, dreams are dreams, and wanting to fuck someone in your dreams is no big deal. Done it myself. But Glenn's dreams are often significant. Past lives, major happenings, etc.. And the dreams he's mentioned in this case are pretty much all the significant type, that I can't just write off to an idle horny dream. In his latest dream, he says "The first dealt with a decidedly modern goth chick with grey eyes. I remember telling her that I thought that she had the most beautiful eyes that I had ever seen. She seem genuinely pleased to her that. What followed was almost like a collection of snapshots of her and I, for a lack of a better way to put it, dating. Throughout the dream, I feel good, almost like I am complete on some esoteric level. As soon as the dream was over, I was filled with this sense of total loss, of worthlessness." Y'know what the funny thing is? Right about the same day Glenn had this dream (hell, for all I know, it was the same time, too, given our sleeping schedules), Shawn came up to talk to me, and stopped in mid-sentence to tell me I had very pretty eyes. He kinda went on about it for a while, including a comment that they looked gray to him. And I'd like to think I'm the person in his dream, but you'd think if it was me, he'd recognize me...
Anyway, I could come up with other examples of why I think my lack of sex life is related to my looks, but you get the idea.
The problem is, I find him horribly attractive. I *do* have trouble keeping my hands off him. I walked past the bedroom today and looked at him, asleep, sprawled, and naked, the covers doing very little to hide his body from me, and just felt this rush of love, and this huge desire to go touch him, hold him, make love to him. And then I realized that he would never feel that way about me. And not only does that hurt like hell, knowing that I can't elicit that reaction in my own husband, but I think how horrible it is for him that he's cast his lot with me, and thereby denied himself ever feeling that way. People *should* go crazy for their partners... crazy in love, crazy in lust, crazy in rage when someone hurts them. And I feel like I'm denying him that rush of emotion, that feeling I can't even describe, but it makes my heart ache when I just look at him, and makes me want to touch him in every way possible and never stop. The feelings he doesn't have for me.
And I'm sitting here typing this, and barely feeling anything. I've gotten too good at burying it, I waited too long to write it down.
All I know is that I've felt completely ugly, completely undesirable, and completely incapable of making him happy for the past few days. Of course, everything seems to point in that direction, too. Movies or TV shows... Shallow Hal and two episodes of the Simpsons, both having to deal with body image... idle comments from people... Rob saying I wasn't as hot as Shawn anyway... and no, I'm not singling that comment out... there were more, by other people, but that was the most recent, and the one I remember... Tim not wanting to have sex with me... of course, he had other reasons, but that doesn't mean he'd fuck me if those other reasons didn't exist... I mean, if those reasons went away, for all I know, he still wouldn't want to fuck me 'cause I digust him looks-wise. And, these are probably little things, and little slights (albeit true statements) that I overlook on a daily basis... but for the past 3 days, they've been sticking out like sore thumbs to me.
I was literally nauseous this morning with the stress of it all. And I don't normally get nauseous with stress. If anything, I eat *more*.
And I still feel numb. I don't know if this has helped me at all, with the possible exception that Glenn will read this someday, and know why I've been upset the past few days. I don't blame him; I blame myself. He asked me what was wrong the other night, and after a long time of getting my courage up, I said "I'm upset with myself for being ugly, and I'm upset with you for noticing." Unfortunately, I happened to have my head buried in his chest at the time, so he didn't hear me, and I couldn't bring myself to say it twice.
So, here I sit, wallowing in this utter *bullshit* melodrama, and getting it all out on virtual paper hasn't done shit to purge myself of it. I even tried the cleansing shower thing (no time for bath) today, but couldn't bring myself to let go of it. It's like I refuse to forgive myself for it, and don't want anyone else to, either.
And yeah, I've gone through that whole diatribe in my head... lose weight, cut/color my hair, get those kickass glitter contacts that
elorie showed me... basically, make myself desirable. Of course, there are a couple of problems with that. The first being that doing so, or acknowledging that I could, and starting, would mean I couldn't wallow in this shit, and some part of me must be enjoying this on some level, or I wouldn't be still doing it, right? The second is that, in my current state of mind, I don't have much confidence in my ability to do much of anything. On the bright side (there's a bright side???), in theory, I'm suddenly creating this rift between Glenn and myself because we've either just gotten closer, or we're about to, and fear of intimacy has made me fight it. I guess the possibility that we could be closer is a nice prospect, whether or not I believe in it at the present moment. Of course, I'm going into martyr mode, where I'll just suffer it all out, and put on a happy face (still working on that part), as long as Glenn's happy. He can fuck other people, after all, so it's not like he'd be missing out on the potential hottie. And how fucking pathetic is *that*??? It's too bad one can't type with the back of one's hand stapled to one's forehead.
AND, I've proven myself to be a neurotic bitch. Lovely.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-02-05 04:28 am (UTC)Secondly, attractiveness has actually very little to do with appearance, and a whole lot to do with energy and confidence. You have tremendous energy, now if we can just work on the confidence bit...
Third, it has nothing to do with whether People In General want to have sex with you or not. There are plenty of people I think are cute and sexy, but whom I would never actually want to sleep with. I either have the kind of connection with someone that I want to express that way, or I don't.
It is indeed hard when your partner doesn't feel desire for you. But that, I suspect, has to do with other things, and may not have anything to do with you at all. I would interpret him reaching out to you in his sleep completely differently; I think his sleeping mind knows perfectly well who is next to him, but whatever is holding him back when he's awake probably has to do with things that happened before he ever met you.
If you want to lose weight, well and good. But don't do it for other people; do it for you. You deserve to have a healthy, agile body you feel comfortable in; when was the last time you felt joy in your own body, unrelated to any other person? Anything else is a side issue.
no subject
Date: 2003-02-05 10:01 am (UTC)Now that you've found things you like about yourself - expand. Personality traits. Things you do well. People who like you. Just start loving yourself. Then wrap all this self love into a package and imagine what the REAL you looks like. And finally - ignore the mirrors. (Remember, like a tv, they can add 10 OR MORE pounds.) and ignore anyone who makes you feel less than important. Be who you know you are inside.
As for making your actual physical appearance match what you see in your mind.... that can be a tough battle. You have to want to lose weight for YOU. Not for someone else. I lost some weight in high school because my mom nagged me, and then we finally found someone I could go with. Friend of the family. When that friend moved across the state and I was stuck going to meetings alone, I eventually stopped going. And I gained the weight back. In college I gained more. But in college my theory became - screw trying to lose weight. Too stressful. Instead I tried working on my self esteem. Loving myself for who I was - weight and all. Chipping away piece by piece.
Now granted I still have "I feel fat and ugly days" but they're no where near what they used to be. A little over a year ago, I went to the doctor's (because I was sick - strep throat) and got a wake up call. a BIG one. And suddenly, for the first time in my life... I wanted to lose weight for me. And I started to - slowly. Journaled what I wrote. Started counting calories. And as I realized what I was putting in my body, I slowly started to cut back. Because what did I need with 8, 8, 10 servings of breads/carbs? Or a bazillion servings of added fat grams from margarine & salad dressing & oils. Or an appetizer, a salad, soup, an entree, and dessert. I also tried to exercise more - with exercise machine at work... and in the summer the community pool doing some laps a couple times a week. Eventually, my mom loaned me some cash - and I joined Weight Watchers (It's not a diet - it's a way of LIFE.) and now I'm on the long winding road of the rest of my life - with plenty of hills and obstacles between here and there.
ANYWAY. I too have a man who's not always wanting in the sack. When I first moved down here we did it all the time. Which eventually dwindled to only on weekends. And now it's down to MAYBE once a month. And does it frustrate me? HELL YEAH. (Part of the problem is he's a ummmm MORNING person, and I'm an EVENING person when it comes down to stuff like that.) But I love him, and I _eventually_ get over it. Because living with him and loving him and being engaged - and eventually married - to him is not just about the sex. It's about the friendship too.
[And that's what I keep telling myself *winks* But it is frustrating. I just try not to take it personally.]
*deep breath* In summary... YOU are worth it. And he thinks YOU are worth it. I somehow doubt he would have married you if he didn't think you were. Life has a funny way of teaching us our lessons sometimes. This may just happen to be one of those. (For everything happens the way it does for a reason.) But it is ok to be frustrated. Just make sure you keep those lines of communication open betweent he two of you.
*sings* All you need is love (everybody now!)....
no subject
Date: 2003-02-05 10:31 am (UTC)Yeah. I like you. That ought to raise your self-esteem right there. I mean, really.
**wicked grin**
no subject
Date: 2003-02-05 11:13 am (UTC)I will NOT start singing the Barney song
I will not start singing "I love you, you love me..."
(Oooooops. Ohhhhh shit.)
*winks*
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: 2003-02-05 06:07 pm (UTC)Being Liked
Date: 2003-02-05 06:06 pm (UTC)Re: Being Liked
Date: 2003-02-05 06:24 pm (UTC)Not sleeping with her. Nope. She hasn't offered, but that's not it. I just wouldn't.
It's OK for you to have your own boundaries about sex, but if you base your self-esteem on whether other people want to sleep with you without taking into account that they don't think about it the same way you do, you are setting yourself up for rejection big time.
I'm sorry if I got all serious about something that was supposed to be banter, and maybe I'm just running my mouth. But it seemed like a useful thought.
Re: Being Liked
Date: 2003-02-05 06:32 pm (UTC)Living in a Fixxer-Upper
Date: 2003-02-05 05:30 pm (UTC)<sigh>
Date: 2003-02-05 05:01 pm (UTC)Sadly, the easiest cure for this is to get laid. But, even then, it's only temporary.
"Hi, my name is K'La, and I am a nymphomaniac....."
Why can't I be addicted to high paying, dependable jobs with good benefits and steady paychecks that are never late, and never bounce?
A verbal hug...
Date: 2003-02-05 09:55 am (UTC)I think you are beautiful... I happen to think a whole hell of lot of you, and I know that Glenn does too, and as you said, he has issues... My husband has a lot of those same issues, and I have lived through that...
Be beautiful for you. For a few moments close your eyes and envision yourself just as you would have you in your personal best. Most likely, it wouldn't be too far from what you have now. Beauty on the inside is so much more desirable, you know, and even if you feel inadequate on the outside (who of us don't?), I know the person that is the essence of you. And she is drop-dead-gorgeous.
I love you. We are here if you need us. God knows we need y'all.
Beautiful
Date: 2003-02-05 05:59 pm (UTC)But yeah, I've been trying to remember that; trying to remember the Core Worth exercise I did with
So, I'm moving on... or at least putting the key in the ignition.
Re: Beautiful
Date: 2003-02-05 08:18 pm (UTC)Thank You
Date: 2003-02-05 06:17 pm (UTC)Much love,
K'La
By the way, answering the comments directly from the email apparently doesn't always match the comment with the person I'm commenting to... so, y'all may have to weed out what reply goes to whom...
xoxoxo