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Oct. 4th, 2003 09:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsTomorrow marks the first wedding anniversary of blckwngdorcl and myself, and I have a few things to say about that...
When I moved down here in June or July of 2000, I had heard ofblckwngdorcl, but hadn't actually met him. (Or so I thought, but more on that later.) His first wife was a very good friend of my best friend logomancer, and once, shortly, I think, after that marriage broke up, logomancer told me, "You and Glenn would make good mates." For some reason, I always remembered that.
Anyway, when I moved down here, I ended up living with Shayne, who waslogomancer's ex-lover and best friend. Since pretty much everyone I knew when I moved down here was part of that crowd, I ended up knowing a bunch of the gay male population, but not too many straight guys. After about 6 months of not getting laid, I started trolling the internet in an attempt to gather a little "stable" for myself. I was in the process of meeting a few of these people when blckwngdorcl and I started talking online.
profundis has had an egroup for a bunch of people he knew for years. I was a member of it when I was in Illinois, and continue to be so. One day after I moved here, I noticed a post, and was able to determine blckwngdorcl's Yahoo ID. I added him, and chimed him up one night from home. He knew of me, from talking to logomancer, of course. I actually met him once, for gaming, at logomancer and profundis' house. I found him very attractive - I'm a sucker for long hair. He even let me brush out his hair and braid it. (Later, I found out this was pretty unusual for him, and that he had let me 'cause it just "felt right".) So, we continued to talk online, and met at a couple of BP meetings. We were starting to flirt at this point, of course, and I would sit behind him and play with his hair and rub his shoulders and such while the discussion was going on. It was very nice.
Keep in mind, during our online discussions, we had each talked about what we wanted as far as a relationship went. He had been burned by his relationship with Sasha (his first wife) and I had been burned by my relationship with Fig. We both agreed that the LAST thing we wanted was another relationship. We agreed, quite mutually and wholeheartedly, that we were both interested in having someone to hang out with... go to movies, maybe dinner, and whatnot, and who could also be a fuckbuddy.
So, we arrange to have our first date, just the two of us. Previous to this, the only time we'd ever been together by ourselves was when we'd driven (less than a mile) to go get drinks for the gaming group, and this was pre-flirting. So, I drove over to meet him at his place. He had just recently moved in withwyzard_vyrnahnn, simplysakka, and her brother. He was still in the shower when I got there, so I got to meet simplysakka while I was waiting. I adored her instantly, which is way unusual for me, 'cause I generally don't get along very well with females. I caught a pleasant glimpse of him, damply wrapped in a towel as he went from the bathroom to the bedroom.
When we finally left, and stepped out of the apartment, he stopped me just after I closed the door behind us. He took my face in his hands, and gave me a long, deep kiss - our first, besides somes pecks outside of BP a few days before. I melted, of course. We then went over to Christo's, a Greek/Italian restaurant nearby. We broke one of the cardinal rules of a first date, and ordered very messy, garlicky food (which was quite tasty, by the way). We were finally alone together.
So, here I am, with this guy that, really, I didn't know all that well. Certainly, he was well-vouched-for, and I had enjoyed our online talks, and what little contact we'd had, but, really, when it came down to it, we didn't know each other all that well in person.
And........
I find myself sitting across the table from him, talking about whatever, and just being completely enamoured of him. Overwhelmingly. To the point that I literally had to stop myself from telling him "I love you" on more than one occassion. I'm keeping up a pretty straight face, I'm thinking, but in my head, I'm having a running dialogue. "What the hell are you THINKING??? You don't even know this guy! What the FUCK????" and so on. But, the feelings and urges persisted. I was somewhat disturbed when he went up to the register to pay, and I saw him from behind, and realized for the first time just how much he looked like Fig, but after checking for any rebound or other negative tendencies, I let that be.
In the parking lot, we suddenly couldn't keep our hands off each other. To this day, I still shiver when I hear in my mind his passion-filled, teeth-clenched "Drive" when we couldn't take it any longer and had to go back to his place where we could be truly alone behind closed doors.
Once there, we took it slowly, but no less passionately. We undressed each other with reverence, using our eyes, hands, and tongues to explore. The unbidden feelings of love were overwhelming and all-encompassing, and I allowed myself to drown in them. I lay next to him for what seemed like hours (I think it was), just touching him, adoring him. Some part of my mind was thinking that I didn't care if we never had sex - that this was just perfect as it was. (Anyone who knows me will know how out-of-character this is for me!) I don't remember details of that afternoon. I remember I pleasured him with my mouth, and he returned the favor with his fingers, but everything is lost in a blur of overwhelming emotion and utter bliss. We dozed for a while, then got up, as planned, to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show withsimplysakka and her brother. (wyzard_vyrnahnn was sick.)
I was a virgin. In fact, it was a running joke for us that he was going to get to take my virginity on our first date. ;) I had to be "deflowered", of course. Along with the other virgins, I had to get up on stage and give name, age, and sexual preference ("Krista", "34", "I love everybody". This was before I was K'La, you see.) Then they paired us off, and we had to assume the 69 position with whoever we were paired off with. I was on top, and had to eat a ding dong from a stranger's crotch - no hands, of course. The movie itself was awesome - I had a lot of fun. Afterwards, a couple came up to me and said that my deflowering (the ding dong eating part) was the best they'd ever seen. I actually thought they were friends of blckwngdorcl at first, but it turns out they really were strangers, which made the compliment completely genuine - rather than my original thought, which was that they were friends of his, and were ribbing him a little bit by saying that.
Anyway, we went back to his place after that. I think we may have gotten something to eat, but I don't remember for sure. I just remember that we did more of what we had done prior to the movie, and feeling exactly that same overwhelming love and passion. NRE? Maybe. But I've had NRE before, and this felt different. More tangible, more all-encompassing. And I slept next to him that night. Usually, when I sleep with someone, I toss and turn all night. I can't get comfortable resting using them as a pillow, and I am usually so paranoid about making them uncomfortable that I tend to go to the edge of the bed and try to take up as little room as possible. This happens no matter how pleasant the prior contact was.
But with him, it was totally different. I sprawled over him as if his body had been created for that purpose, his arm around me, listening to his breathing, his heartbeat. And I rested there comfortably. When I did change positions, I slept easily, not trying to minimize my presence on the bed. It was wonderful. I felt absolutely comfortable there, absolutely right. And still, the whole night, having to catch myself before saying "I love you" (and meaning it!) to this guy I barely knew.
The next day, I left, reluctantly. Neither of us really talked about what had happened, but we were still in contact daily. The following Tuesday, Shayne and I got in a fight about something, and I went over toblckwngdorcl's to get out of the house, for comfort, and probably for an excuse to see him. I remember he was lying back on the side of the bed, and I was straddling him, kissing him, when I suddenly stopped, and looked down at him. I suddenly realized it didn't MATTER how crazy it was. It didn't MATTER to me if he didn't share my feelings, or even if he decided we couldn't see each other because of it. I loved him. He had to know.
"I love you," I told him. "I don't know why."
He got the strangest expression on his face, so I quickly added, "You don't have to answer."
He was quite, staring at me with that same expression for a long time, before he responded.
"I love you, too."
Well, THAT wasn't the reaction I was expecting.
Anyway, after we both got mostly over that initial shock, we started talking about it. Turns out, he had been having the EXACT same things going on during our first date. The exact same catching himself about to say "I love you", the exact same internal "what are you, NUTS???" dialogue.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
I have married my best friend. I can't stress that enough. And this is a huge step for me, because believe me, I NEVER thought anyone could surpasslogomancer in that capacity. He is my biggest supporter, and a compassionate and stern critic. He sees what I am, addresses my faults, and loves me anyway. He doesn't take my shit, and calls me on it frequently. He keeps me humble as he shows me the beauty he sees in me. He shares himself with me, and accepts what I share in return. I've seen him at his highs and lows, and he's seen me at mine. Our own personal issues either mesh nicely, or clash horribly, and create the best possible environment to fix them. He loves my cats. He loves me. I love him. Things aren't perfect. We're still living hand-to-mouth most of the time, and we certainly have our own issues. But we have an amazing communication, and an amazing connection, and we both want the other to be absolutely what they want to be. Listening to him sing brings me to tears, and I bask in the energy of his nature. Loving him, being with him, is without question the best gift I've ever given myself.
"Good mates", indeed.
The next year is to come. The second year of being legally wed to the soul I cherish. I look at all the uncertainty of life, all the things that have going on with us. Financially, we're at a crux - I'm just discovering how to work in Georgia, and all that that entails. I haven't actually put it into practice yet, and doing so is going to be a trial. I know this. He's in the process of looking for a job after making some gut-wrenching discoveries and decisions. We're both suddenly seeing clear the paths before us to find ourselves as individuals, and are leerily looking down those paths. We're both scared a lot of the time about how life is going to turn out. I'm not sure the Storms are over.
But I look on all these things, and I look at him, and the life we've made, and our home together, and the cats, and how his past and my past have created who we are now, and the myriad of possibilities for who we can become......
And I choose to remain in this relationship.
Happy Anniversary, Beloved Mine.
I love you, Glenn.
blckwngdorcl and myself, and I have a few things to say about that...When I moved down here in June or July of 2000, I had heard of
blckwngdorcl, but hadn't actually met him. (Or so I thought, but more on that later.) His first wife was a very good friend of my best friend logomancer, and once, shortly, I think, after that marriage broke up, logomancer told me, "You and Glenn would make good mates." For some reason, I always remembered that. Anyway, when I moved down here, I ended up living with Shayne, who was
logomancer's ex-lover and best friend. Since pretty much everyone I knew when I moved down here was part of that crowd, I ended up knowing a bunch of the gay male population, but not too many straight guys. After about 6 months of not getting laid, I started trolling the internet in an attempt to gather a little "stable" for myself. I was in the process of meeting a few of these people when blckwngdorcl and I started talking online.profundis has had an egroup for a bunch of people he knew for years. I was a member of it when I was in Illinois, and continue to be so. One day after I moved here, I noticed a post, and was able to determine blckwngdorcl's Yahoo ID. I added him, and chimed him up one night from home. He knew of me, from talking to logomancer, of course. I actually met him once, for gaming, at logomancer and profundis' house. I found him very attractive - I'm a sucker for long hair. He even let me brush out his hair and braid it. (Later, I found out this was pretty unusual for him, and that he had let me 'cause it just "felt right".) So, we continued to talk online, and met at a couple of BP meetings. We were starting to flirt at this point, of course, and I would sit behind him and play with his hair and rub his shoulders and such while the discussion was going on. It was very nice.Keep in mind, during our online discussions, we had each talked about what we wanted as far as a relationship went. He had been burned by his relationship with Sasha (his first wife) and I had been burned by my relationship with Fig. We both agreed that the LAST thing we wanted was another relationship. We agreed, quite mutually and wholeheartedly, that we were both interested in having someone to hang out with... go to movies, maybe dinner, and whatnot, and who could also be a fuckbuddy.
So, we arrange to have our first date, just the two of us. Previous to this, the only time we'd ever been together by ourselves was when we'd driven (less than a mile) to go get drinks for the gaming group, and this was pre-flirting. So, I drove over to meet him at his place. He had just recently moved in with
wyzard_vyrnahnn, simplysakka, and her brother. He was still in the shower when I got there, so I got to meet simplysakka while I was waiting. I adored her instantly, which is way unusual for me, 'cause I generally don't get along very well with females. I caught a pleasant glimpse of him, damply wrapped in a towel as he went from the bathroom to the bedroom.When we finally left, and stepped out of the apartment, he stopped me just after I closed the door behind us. He took my face in his hands, and gave me a long, deep kiss - our first, besides somes pecks outside of BP a few days before. I melted, of course. We then went over to Christo's, a Greek/Italian restaurant nearby. We broke one of the cardinal rules of a first date, and ordered very messy, garlicky food (which was quite tasty, by the way). We were finally alone together.
So, here I am, with this guy that, really, I didn't know all that well. Certainly, he was well-vouched-for, and I had enjoyed our online talks, and what little contact we'd had, but, really, when it came down to it, we didn't know each other all that well in person.
And........
I find myself sitting across the table from him, talking about whatever, and just being completely enamoured of him. Overwhelmingly. To the point that I literally had to stop myself from telling him "I love you" on more than one occassion. I'm keeping up a pretty straight face, I'm thinking, but in my head, I'm having a running dialogue. "What the hell are you THINKING??? You don't even know this guy! What the FUCK????" and so on. But, the feelings and urges persisted. I was somewhat disturbed when he went up to the register to pay, and I saw him from behind, and realized for the first time just how much he looked like Fig, but after checking for any rebound or other negative tendencies, I let that be.
In the parking lot, we suddenly couldn't keep our hands off each other. To this day, I still shiver when I hear in my mind his passion-filled, teeth-clenched "Drive" when we couldn't take it any longer and had to go back to his place where we could be truly alone behind closed doors.
Once there, we took it slowly, but no less passionately. We undressed each other with reverence, using our eyes, hands, and tongues to explore. The unbidden feelings of love were overwhelming and all-encompassing, and I allowed myself to drown in them. I lay next to him for what seemed like hours (I think it was), just touching him, adoring him. Some part of my mind was thinking that I didn't care if we never had sex - that this was just perfect as it was. (Anyone who knows me will know how out-of-character this is for me!) I don't remember details of that afternoon. I remember I pleasured him with my mouth, and he returned the favor with his fingers, but everything is lost in a blur of overwhelming emotion and utter bliss. We dozed for a while, then got up, as planned, to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show with
simplysakka and her brother. (wyzard_vyrnahnn was sick.) I was a virgin. In fact, it was a running joke for us that he was going to get to take my virginity on our first date. ;) I had to be "deflowered", of course. Along with the other virgins, I had to get up on stage and give name, age, and sexual preference ("Krista", "34", "I love everybody". This was before I was K'La, you see.) Then they paired us off, and we had to assume the 69 position with whoever we were paired off with. I was on top, and had to eat a ding dong from a stranger's crotch - no hands, of course. The movie itself was awesome - I had a lot of fun. Afterwards, a couple came up to me and said that my deflowering (the ding dong eating part) was the best they'd ever seen.
blckwngdorcl at first, but it turns out they really were strangers, which made the compliment completely genuine - rather than my original thought, which was that they were friends of his, and were ribbing him a little bit by saying that. Anyway, we went back to his place after that. I think we may have gotten something to eat, but I don't remember for sure. I just remember that we did more of what we had done prior to the movie, and feeling exactly that same overwhelming love and passion. NRE? Maybe. But I've had NRE before, and this felt different. More tangible, more all-encompassing. And I slept next to him that night. Usually, when I sleep with someone, I toss and turn all night. I can't get comfortable resting using them as a pillow, and I am usually so paranoid about making them uncomfortable that I tend to go to the edge of the bed and try to take up as little room as possible. This happens no matter how pleasant the prior contact was.
But with him, it was totally different. I sprawled over him as if his body had been created for that purpose, his arm around me, listening to his breathing, his heartbeat. And I rested there comfortably. When I did change positions, I slept easily, not trying to minimize my presence on the bed. It was wonderful. I felt absolutely comfortable there, absolutely right. And still, the whole night, having to catch myself before saying "I love you" (and meaning it!) to this guy I barely knew.
The next day, I left, reluctantly. Neither of us really talked about what had happened, but we were still in contact daily. The following Tuesday, Shayne and I got in a fight about something, and I went over to
blckwngdorcl's to get out of the house, for comfort, and probably for an excuse to see him. I remember he was lying back on the side of the bed, and I was straddling him, kissing him, when I suddenly stopped, and looked down at him. I suddenly realized it didn't MATTER how crazy it was. It didn't MATTER to me if he didn't share my feelings, or even if he decided we couldn't see each other because of it. I loved him. He had to know."I love you," I told him. "I don't know why."
He got the strangest expression on his face, so I quickly added, "You don't have to answer."
He was quite, staring at me with that same expression for a long time, before he responded.
"I love you, too."
Well, THAT wasn't the reaction I was expecting.
Anyway, after we both got mostly over that initial shock, we started talking about it. Turns out, he had been having the EXACT same things going on during our first date. The exact same catching himself about to say "I love you", the exact same internal "what are you, NUTS???" dialogue.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
I have married my best friend. I can't stress that enough. And this is a huge step for me, because believe me, I NEVER thought anyone could surpass
logomancer in that capacity. He is my biggest supporter, and a compassionate and stern critic. He sees what I am, addresses my faults, and loves me anyway. He doesn't take my shit, and calls me on it frequently. He keeps me humble as he shows me the beauty he sees in me. He shares himself with me, and accepts what I share in return. I've seen him at his highs and lows, and he's seen me at mine. Our own personal issues either mesh nicely, or clash horribly, and create the best possible environment to fix them. He loves my cats. He loves me. I love him. Things aren't perfect. We're still living hand-to-mouth most of the time, and we certainly have our own issues. But we have an amazing communication, and an amazing connection, and we both want the other to be absolutely what they want to be. Listening to him sing brings me to tears, and I bask in the energy of his nature. Loving him, being with him, is without question the best gift I've ever given myself."Good mates", indeed.
The next year is to come. The second year of being legally wed to the soul I cherish. I look at all the uncertainty of life, all the things that have going on with us. Financially, we're at a crux - I'm just discovering how to work in Georgia, and all that that entails. I haven't actually put it into practice yet, and doing so is going to be a trial. I know this. He's in the process of looking for a job after making some gut-wrenching discoveries and decisions. We're both suddenly seeing clear the paths before us to find ourselves as individuals, and are leerily looking down those paths. We're both scared a lot of the time about how life is going to turn out. I'm not sure the Storms are over.
But I look on all these things, and I look at him, and the life we've made, and our home together, and the cats, and how his past and my past have created who we are now, and the myriad of possibilities for who we can become......
And I choose to remain in this relationship.
Happy Anniversary, Beloved Mine.
I love you, Glenn.
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Date: 2003-10-05 03:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-05 11:52 pm (UTC)I love nice love stories. :)
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Date: 2003-10-07 04:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-18 01:18 am (UTC)