Where's the Beef?

[bookofmirrors]

Well, here, I'm thinking. :)

There are so many posts that I could make. So many thoughts flitting through my head.

I think, however, I'll start with the one I'm still kinda turning over in my own head. Maybe writing it down will help me sort it out.



Without going into a lot of detail that will end up wearing out my fingers (unless anyone's really interested, you can ask, and I'll tell in the comments section or something), Glenn and I ended up in therapy talking about what appears to be a driving force in my life. Looking back, I can see it clearly, and people who know me will probably say "Duh", but I guess it never really struck me.

I've spent my entire life working not to be a disappointment to others.

Of course, it started out with my parents, as all things do. It's that horrible double-edged sword. I wanted so much to be loved and accepted that I molded myself into what I thought they wanted. Of course, what I wanted to be didn't really jive with that, so I kept jumping the fence. I was well-behaved, pretty much, got good grades, didn't do anything really "bad"... but at the same time, I certainly wasn't their idea of what a sweet little girl should be. I was quite a tomboy when I was younger, although I'm not sure that term really applies in today's androgynous society. At any rate, I was a bit too effervescent for parents as WASPy and concerned with higher society as mine were. Being more precocious than my sisters didn't help, either. I couldn't be fooled as easily, and got into those typical arguments of logic that smart children get into with parents who think they can outmaneuver them.

Anyway, I digress.

I'm terrified of disappointing people. For years, I would never point out anything to anyone, for fear of reprisal. Reprisal being, of course, that that person would go away, not be my friend anymore, etc.. Trouble is, I kept feeling like I was a disappointment anyway. Not because of what I did - I could always do what people wanted me to do, or at least make it look that way. But because of who I was. The person inside who could see exactly what was going on, and wanted to shout it out to the world, but was afraid the world would reject the information, so she kept quiet. I didn't want to be a Cassandra.

I have a quality about me which I hesitate to put down here, lest anyone who knows me begins to see it in all their future interactions with me, whether it's actually happening at that time or not. But... here goes.

I can make people love me. That sounds a bit far-fetched, I understand. And yes, no one can force emotions from others, and there are some people that you just can't manipulate like that. But, for the most part, I can mold myself into whatever someone wants me to be, in order to be loved by them. I've had this ability for as long as I can remember. In spite of my looks, there were a lot of men who were inexplicably "in love" with me. Of course, I didn't believe a word of that. I understood that it was, for the most part, their own insecurities and such. Not that I understood those concepts clearly when I was in junior high, but I could tell their words and what I could feel from them didn't mesh. I still do it, to some extent. Not so much with friends as with people at work. It's a useful tool for people above me in the hierarchy, 'cause if they like you, they're less likely to get mad at you if you fuck up. It's a useful tool for people below you in the hierarchy, 'cause you can manage them, and they feel like they're doing you a favor rather than following orders, and they feel more appreciated. Of course, gods know I appreciate the fuck out of my CNAs, but it's nice when they know that, and don't resent when you ask them to do their jobs. :)

I'm digressing again, aren't I?

Hmmm.... I guess my point is, I've put a great deal of energy forth in my life to avoid disappointing people, so that people would want to be around me. 'Cause if I disappointed them, they'd leave, right? Certainly my parents pulled their energy away from me when I did something they didn't approve of. Probably the most effective way to "train" a child. And the most cruel. But, I learned that lesson well, and I learned quickly to please people. The Libra/Sango/Osun combination is perfect for that.

And when I moved down here, I really thought I had overcome that. I no longer hold back when people ask my opinion on something. I still couch it in the gentlest words I can come up with, unless I really think they need to be hit in the head with a clue-by-four, but I don't squelch all negative comments about another person just 'cause I don't want them to be upset that I notice their faults. Of course, this has it's consequences, too. I do end up losing people, even if only temporarily. logomancer is a prime example of that. That's scary as fuck for me. Part of me doesn't WANT to be me if it means losing people. Logically I know that you lose people when you find yourself. People who can't deal with the change of your role, and theirs in relation to it. This is a good thing, really. But it FEELS like shit when it happens. I don't think I've ever rejoiced in what I gain by having a negative influence out of my life. I spend a lot of time being upset when people go out of my life, though, even when I've consciously initiated it. Fig is a perfect example of that. I rarely think of how much better my life is now that I've left him, left Illinois. But I spend a lot of time lamenting that I wasn't the person he wanted/needed me to be. Would I give up what I have with Glenn to be able to go back and make myself into what Fig wanted, to stay in Illinois? Fuck no. But I have to admit, the idea is somewhat tempting. The fucked up thing is that I don't blame Fig for leaving me, I blame myself for being someone he would leave.

So, I'm away from Illinois. How does that affect me now?

The first thing that popped into my head as Glenn and I were talking about that particular therapy session on the way home was Safe Harbor, and teachers in general. I left Safe Harbor because I recognized that I had an issue with being in a teacher-student relationship. Certainly, I was disappointed in walkingbear for not always following through on things, and with some of the stuff that was going on at work at the time, but we talked about that, and basically worked it out. But I still felt that energy, which I (correctly) recognized as being my own issues in a relationship where I placed myself in a position to be judged. (Whether I was being judged or not was completely irrelevant - I had placed myself in a position where I expected to be judged, so I "saw" it regardless.) That was enough for me. I recognized that I had put myself in a place that was bad for me, so I left. But I didn't go any further than that. I worked with elorie for a while, 'cause for some reason, I didn't feel that dynamic with her. That's fallen by the wayside more from my own laziness than anything else. I still love her dearly. And, I still love walkingbear, eloreen, meadowhawk, and Christa, too. But again, I digress. The point is, I recognized that I had an issue with teacher/student relationships, and took myself out of the situation. What I didn't do (until that therapy session) was understand WHY that relationship wasn't working for me. As logomancer pointed out, the teacher/student relationship is very similar to the parent/child relationship. So, being in that type of relationship set off all those triggers in me. It put me in a situation where I could DISAPPOINT someone. Someone I cared about. Someone who might leave me, literally or figuratively, if I disappointed them. Someone I would end up resenting (as I do my parents) for being disappointed in me.

All of that scares the hell out of me. And it all relates back to disappointing my parents. And I know I've done that. They've all but said so. They may HAVE said so, although I don't remember specifics. And I fall into that endless trap of wanting very much to be what others want, and wanting to be what I want. I'm still moving towards being what I want, but the consequences of that are hard. What happened with logomancer was horrible. I think I have slightly less issue with leaving Fig 'cause, as far as he was concerned, when I left, we were still friends. We both cried when I left. He came home early from work to see me off, and almost missed me, 'cause I had already resigned myself to not seeing him, to not saying goodbye, until I saw his car coming around the corner. I was already about a block away from the house, and had to pull over in a little parking pad, and we got out and said our goodbyes. Thinking about it still makes my breath catch, and tears well up in my eyes, and that all-too-familiar pain.

Sorry, digressing again. But, then again, not sure what else I have to say about it. I'm wondering now, since I see more clearly what my own issue is, if I should put myself back into a teacher/student relationship, and experience those things with my eyes wide open. Not sure if that's a good idea or not. And not sure who I should do that with. blckwngdorcl said some things that implied to me that Safe Harbor might be interested in me coming back, if I was interested, but a conversation I had recently with walkingbear didn't seem to indicate that, so I'm thinking it's another case of the miscommunication which seems to be so common along those lines.

Anyway, I've been somewhat distracted throughout this entry, so I don't think I got as deep as I could have, or would like to have, but that's it for now. I may come back and explore this later.

I do wanna say one thing, though. During that therapy session, blckwngdorcl said that I'd never once disappointed him. I sobbed for a very long time after that, with that strange mixture of relief, hope, and disbelief. I love that man.

Comments

[elorie.livejournal.com]

The only way you could disappoint me is by not being your true Self. Which is ultimately not possible, though you can dodge it for a while.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Life is not a game of dodgeball.

Must remember that one...

Thanks. *hug*

I don't think you realize how much of an impact (a POSITIVE impact!) you've had on my life, and how much I appreciate it. Thank you.

[profundis.livejournal.com]

Well sweetie, I'm glad you are seeing all this. People who will abandon you after a little disappointment aren't worth having in your life anyway. As a child, you can't survive without others...as an adult, you have the luxury of living through someone else's disapproval, thus the freedom to act without coercion (no matter how unpleasant).

And its absolutely impossible not to disappoint SOMEONE in your life...just can't be avoided. The trick is learning to forgive yourself for screwing up, forgive yourself for putting yourself in harm's way, and forgiving THEM for not being more forgiving OF you. :)

Love ya!

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Good advice. I think I have to admit that I'm upset enough at someone to be in a position to forgive them, though. That's the hard part for me. I can't forgive Fig and move on, 'cause I can't bring myself to a point where I can acknowledge there's something to forgive him for.

But that won't always be the case, dammit! :)

Re:

[profundis.livejournal.com]

Well in his case, he needs forgiving for just being a schmuck, in addition to whatever your role in it was! :)