bookofmirrors | End of the Day, and Other Things

Somewhat in epilogue to my "secret" post a while back, last night, after a day that did NOT turn out like I planned, and wasn't nearly as productive as I'd hoped, but was at least equally as exhausting as I had expected the originally-planned chain of events to be,

BlckwngdOrcl and I opted to go out to dinner, which had been part of the original plan.

I had actually made preparations to stay home, partially 'cause the finances weren't what I expected them to be, partially 'cause I couldn't decide if I really wanted to go out or not. (It's way unusual of me not to want to go out - dining out is one of my favorite things.) I had stopped at Kroger on the way home to get gift-making supplies, and picked up some veggie lasagna and the makings of brownies, in case we wanted to stay home. I had started preparing both, with the idea that if the vote was to go out, both could be saved easily and eaten later. Anyway, the vote was out. I wanted something quieter, so we went to Top Spice, which was noisier than I expected, but still a nice atmosphere, and we were able to sit across from each other and have a nice meal and talk, which was my main objective in going out to begin with. It was good.

When we got home, I very much wanted to spend time with him, enjoy his company, and we were both kinda tired. So, after some debate, I called off working with David. We curled up in bed together and worked some Sudoku (sp?) puzzles, which is something we've never done before. We had fun. It only took one or two puzzles before we both realized how very tired we were, and we were asleep by 9:00pm.

I didn't set the alarm, thinking there would be no way in hell I'd sleep past whatever time I needed to wake up to get to work at Sedona. Silly, sleep-deprived me. Truly, I woke up an hour before I should have been at work. I could have pulled it off if I'd jumped out of bed, raced around getting ready, and drove like a batouttahell to get there.

But I didn't.

I laid in bed, thinking about my life, and how it's not what I want it to be. How I spend so much time at work, and so little time at home. How I see my husband and my cats (while awake) less in one week than I typically spend in one day at work. And that just seemed wrong to me. Soul-crushing. However, not going to work seemed hypocritical, as well. Our cable/internet was shut off last week 'cause we didn't pay the bill, and just got turned back on yesterday. (I could have put it on my dad's credit card to get it turned back on, and paid him back later, but I didn't want to do that. I thought it would be a nice change of pace to face up to the consequences of our financial situation, since our lack of money was due both to a very large unexpected expense, and some poor choices of allocation of what was left after that.) Plus,

BlckwngdOrcl and I had just had a talk about his work maybe a week ago, which I won't go into here, which made my idea to not go to work seem even more hypocritical. Anyway, we talked about it, and in the end, I realized that this wasn't a decision based in logic, but emotion. And that listening to my logic had left me in this state to begin with, and that I really needed to listen to my emotions and ACT on them for a change. So, I called off. I didn't lie about what was going on, but I certainly misled them into thinking I was sick. I feel very little guilt about the whole process, and what little I felt was related to

BlckwngdOrcl, although he was good about the whole thing.

I happily made breakfast for the two of us, since that was something I wished I had time to do. In my ideal world, where we're both working at home, I have time to make meals, clean house, relax, enjoy time with the cats, etc.. So I made breakfast, and it was good, and I was happy. I cleaned up after myself, and ate and sipped coffee while I watched a DVR of the History Channel's Modern Marvels: Coffee. I was even geeky enough to take notes, so I could post something to

useless_facts about it. (Which I'll do after I make this post.) Going to the computer to catch up after lack of internet access proved to be somewhat problematic, as my computer had stopped recognizing the network for some reason. I was on the phone with tech support for a long time to resolve it (although I got very good and helpful staff), so that took up more of my day than I would have liked. I chatted online a bit, and caught up email/LJ.

I also fixed our vacuum cleaner, which wasn't working properly. It took a while - I could have made another human from the human hair (not to mention the cat hair) caught on the roller-part of it. I fixed the belts, and was able to vacuum one room very well and one room marginally well before admitting that it had stopped working again. Also that my asthma was kicking in again. I believe I posted about last week's Really Bad Asthma Attack after vacuuming, and I didn't want a repeat of that, so I stopped and decided not to fix it again. I took a couple of puffs of the QVar, but still had some trouble breathing, and made myself some more coffee, which seemed to help. It certainly never got as bad as it did the last time.

I'm washing the sheets as I type this, and have 3 of 5 cats very close by, which is a goodness. I watched some more DVR stuff, and had cats on my lap, and spent time just basking in their presence. I've mostly relaxed all day, but I do feel like I've gotten some things done, which is also definitely self-loving, as well, since I like having a nice environment. It's still not up to my standards, but it's getting slowly better, and I'm trying to at least keep the parts that are clean, clean. Some days that's harder than others.

I remember when I lived in Illinois and had a job that allowed this, and which I had usually worked so far ahead of what I needed to do, that I would sometimes take days off in the middle of the week on short notice just to clean my house. My house was always spotless, and I couldn't imagine it ever being in the state this place is now. Taking those days off felt good, and I got a lot accomplished, and never felt it was wasted time. I never felt guilty about it, and I look back on it fondly and wistfully. I feel like I don't have that option anymore (although clearly today contradicts that), and I wish I did.

Doing animal communication as a full-time job can't come quickly enough. I'm feeling it very very strongly. Besides motherhood and being a wife, I can't imagine anything more fulfilling. I need to do a lot of work on myself in the meantime. I'm taking steps. I feel like they're non-existant, or not enough, and like I'm not getting anywhere, but when I look back, I can see that I really have come a long way. It's slow, and I'm impatient and hard on myself. I've also made choices in my life that undermine the process. Like working too much. :)

As an FYI, in case I forget to mention it, I'm going to Indiana from the 22-29, and my parents don't have a computer, so I'll likely not have internet access while I'm there.

Also as an FYI, I still don't have my cell phone, and

BlckwngdOrcl's was stolen, so neither of us are available that way. I'm in the process of getting new ones - it's hard to pick.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've said what I wanted to say. Waiting for the Beastie to get home, and I need to take a shower and go to David's tonight.