Ummm.... Yeah.
Nov. 26th, 2006 03:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsSo, I'm home from work, the Beastie is already asleep, I've caught up email/LJ etc., and I'm starting to fade, but not quite there yet (although seems to be going quickly). So, more or less the perfect time to make a post, right, especially since a couple have been brewing in my head, just as of the past half an hour. One would require some work on my part, one of those go-through-my-friends-list-and-post-a-snippet-of-something-I-want-to-say-to-each-anonymously-and-in-random-order things, which sounds kinda overwhelming to me right now. The other post is on how much of a liar I am, which seems much more doable, but as I sit here, I find myself loathe to do it. I didn't notice I was getting tired until I started to make a post, I didn't notice I was hungry until I started typing, and, while it's true I'm overdue for bedtime and it's been several hours since I've eaten anything, I can't help but feel that both those things are smokescreens, and I wonder how long that's been the case.
I mean, I haven't posted anything meaningful in a while, and while it's true I'm busy, and distracted, and a ton of other things, I now begin to wonder how much I'm simply been (cleverly fooling myself into) avoiding making deep posts. 'Cause, honestly, as I sit here, and contemplate making a self-revealing post, it's scaring the shit out of me. So, y'know, that's probably exactly what I should do. I'll compromise, 'cause going through my list and trying to think of a unique thing to say to everyone (there are some I would say the same thing to) just really does sound overwhelming, and is also a bit self-indulgent.
So, since cut tags make me feel safer, for whatever stupid reason...
Even that statement is misleading. I mean, there are several things I consider to be benign lies that I've done. Mild cheating on your taxes, for instance. I don't really consider it lying when I think it's wrong for the government to be taking the money from me in the first place. And yeah, of course it actually is lying, but I have a hard time feeling bad about it. The government is not on my list of people to pay back or gift money to when I win the lottery, thank you very much.
And I'm not talking about little white lies. Actually, those bother me. I've learned to carefully choose my words in those types of situations, so that I'm speaking the absolute truth, always. However, my inflection might (er... is completely intended to) cause someone to take what I say in a way different than I meant it. Or I'll say a true statement that has nothing to do with the question, and just not bother to mention that I changed the subject for a minute there. I'm sure it certainly sounded like the answer to whatever. Oh, I'm sorry, was I not being clear? Ahem. It appeases my conscience to lie while being honest. It's a neat trick. I got a friend of mine acquitted of something he should have been convicted for by that brand of truth. Not my fault the lawyer didn't ask exactly who I was including in my plural pronouns. (Actually, I figure that was poetic justice, since he had not long before been convicted for something he absolutely didn't do.)
But I digress. The funny thing is, I consider myself a really honest person. Ask me something, and I'll give you an honest answer. It may not be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but it'll be honest. I rather pride myself on not lying.
But where it counts, where I'm (supposedly) trying to make changes in my life, I lie. I lie a lot. So well and so often that when I'm realizing (as I did walking in from the car tonight) how much of a liar I am, it surprises me.
The truth is:
I was so grateful about the loan that I (or, perhaps more accurately, my husband) was given recently, I wanted to cry and thank the giver profusely. Instead, I quietly said thank you a few times. I couldn't say it much louder than that, or the energy I would have had to expend in volume would have also released the crying. I was afraid to cry in front of him, afraid to be so pathetic as to have that much NEED that that gesture of kindness would make me sob.
I'm so angry at work sometimes I could scream, and I feel crazy. I'm so upset I could cry. I sit quietly and take it, though, and beat myself up for not doing better. I'm not even sure if the demands are reasonable. And I wait to cry until I'm alone in the office. I don't want him to know he's gotten to me that much.
I miss my parents so much, I want to cry every time I get on the phone with them, and it breaks my heart to hear their voices break when they talk to me. I want to cry because I miss them, and because I feel like I failed them by moving here and not being able to make it in terms of time and finances to visit them more often, like I said (and fully meant, and thought I could follow through with) I would.
I'm absolutely terrified of certain of my friends. I'm afraid to be in the same room with them, for fear that I'll be rejected, scorned, or any number of bad things. That's an easy lie. I usually avoid being in the same room with them. When I am, I try to fake it. Some days I'm better at that than others.
I feel so guilty about the level of friendship I've displayed over the past few years, I don't feel like I deserve the friends I have. Hence the above, 'cause I figure they might feel that way, too.
I want to cry, for pain, for rage, for sadness, every time something bad financial comes up. I want to scream, I want to curl up in a ball, I want the world to go away, I want money to not exist, or I want to have lots and lots of it. I feel like an absolute failure in that arena.
I want to cry with gratefulness when I get a tip at work, any of my work, because money is so tight, and I don't expect tips, and they're always a welcome surprise.
Really, mostly, it's just that there are a lot of things I want to cry over, and I just don't let myself. Crying is vulnerable, and it scares me. I'd rather make up some other emotion to take its place than cry every time I want to. My husband gets pretty much the brunt of it, because I feel safe being that vulnerable with him. He holds me when I cry, and just lets me cry, and he doesn't say anything stupid like telling me everything will be all right. He supports my emotions, and sometimes even points them out to me when I'm doing everything but noticing them, and sits with me through the aftermath of that. I don't mind shedding tears in front of him, even if they're tears of gratefulness that he's around to begin with. And it's the most wonderful feeling in the world to have a partner that's that supportive, that loving, that open to me and my emotions, no matter what they are. Whoduthunk I'd actually have a partner that, after I had just finished freaking the fuck out on him, even if it was only partially directed at him, later said he was impressed with how angry I'd allowed myself to get?
But, of course, the idea is to be able to be that vulnerable with others, too, right? I mean, I'm not gonna ask the guy who bags my groceries to hold me while I lament about the poultry section, but I'd like to feel safe doing it around people who I know to be safe. (Whether I believe they're safe is another matter entirely.) I'd like to have that depth of feeling with people other than my husband and my Core Energetics class.
And this isn't a call for a string of "oh-I'm-safe" or whatever comments. I won't believe you till I believe you. The ball's fully in my court for this one. There's nothing you can do other than be yourselves. I'm not saying that to be nihilistic, or to take away any control of the situation from anyone else. I'm just saying this is strictly internal shit, and that I'm projecting it onto you, collectively, so I'm the only one who can really fix it. Which isn't to say you can't help, but I'm not sure what that help might be. And I'm not quite sure how I'm gonna deal with it, either, but maybe making the post is a start.
Ummmm... and if you're likely to run screaming if I start crying in front of you, you might wanna warn me now, 'cause that would so not help.
I mean, I haven't posted anything meaningful in a while, and while it's true I'm busy, and distracted, and a ton of other things, I now begin to wonder how much I'm simply been (cleverly fooling myself into) avoiding making deep posts. 'Cause, honestly, as I sit here, and contemplate making a self-revealing post, it's scaring the shit out of me. So, y'know, that's probably exactly what I should do. I'll compromise, 'cause going through my list and trying to think of a unique thing to say to everyone (there are some I would say the same thing to) just really does sound overwhelming, and is also a bit self-indulgent.
So, since cut tags make me feel safer, for whatever stupid reason...
Even that statement is misleading. I mean, there are several things I consider to be benign lies that I've done. Mild cheating on your taxes, for instance. I don't really consider it lying when I think it's wrong for the government to be taking the money from me in the first place. And yeah, of course it actually is lying, but I have a hard time feeling bad about it. The government is not on my list of people to pay back or gift money to when I win the lottery, thank you very much.
And I'm not talking about little white lies. Actually, those bother me. I've learned to carefully choose my words in those types of situations, so that I'm speaking the absolute truth, always. However, my inflection might (er... is completely intended to) cause someone to take what I say in a way different than I meant it. Or I'll say a true statement that has nothing to do with the question, and just not bother to mention that I changed the subject for a minute there. I'm sure it certainly sounded like the answer to whatever. Oh, I'm sorry, was I not being clear? Ahem. It appeases my conscience to lie while being honest. It's a neat trick. I got a friend of mine acquitted of something he should have been convicted for by that brand of truth. Not my fault the lawyer didn't ask exactly who I was including in my plural pronouns. (Actually, I figure that was poetic justice, since he had not long before been convicted for something he absolutely didn't do.)
But I digress. The funny thing is, I consider myself a really honest person. Ask me something, and I'll give you an honest answer. It may not be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but it'll be honest. I rather pride myself on not lying.
But where it counts, where I'm (supposedly) trying to make changes in my life, I lie. I lie a lot. So well and so often that when I'm realizing (as I did walking in from the car tonight) how much of a liar I am, it surprises me.
The truth is:
I was so grateful about the loan that I (or, perhaps more accurately, my husband) was given recently, I wanted to cry and thank the giver profusely. Instead, I quietly said thank you a few times. I couldn't say it much louder than that, or the energy I would have had to expend in volume would have also released the crying. I was afraid to cry in front of him, afraid to be so pathetic as to have that much NEED that that gesture of kindness would make me sob.
I'm so angry at work sometimes I could scream, and I feel crazy. I'm so upset I could cry. I sit quietly and take it, though, and beat myself up for not doing better. I'm not even sure if the demands are reasonable. And I wait to cry until I'm alone in the office. I don't want him to know he's gotten to me that much.
I miss my parents so much, I want to cry every time I get on the phone with them, and it breaks my heart to hear their voices break when they talk to me. I want to cry because I miss them, and because I feel like I failed them by moving here and not being able to make it in terms of time and finances to visit them more often, like I said (and fully meant, and thought I could follow through with) I would.
I'm absolutely terrified of certain of my friends. I'm afraid to be in the same room with them, for fear that I'll be rejected, scorned, or any number of bad things. That's an easy lie. I usually avoid being in the same room with them. When I am, I try to fake it. Some days I'm better at that than others.
I feel so guilty about the level of friendship I've displayed over the past few years, I don't feel like I deserve the friends I have. Hence the above, 'cause I figure they might feel that way, too.
I want to cry, for pain, for rage, for sadness, every time something bad financial comes up. I want to scream, I want to curl up in a ball, I want the world to go away, I want money to not exist, or I want to have lots and lots of it. I feel like an absolute failure in that arena.
I want to cry with gratefulness when I get a tip at work, any of my work, because money is so tight, and I don't expect tips, and they're always a welcome surprise.
Really, mostly, it's just that there are a lot of things I want to cry over, and I just don't let myself. Crying is vulnerable, and it scares me. I'd rather make up some other emotion to take its place than cry every time I want to. My husband gets pretty much the brunt of it, because I feel safe being that vulnerable with him. He holds me when I cry, and just lets me cry, and he doesn't say anything stupid like telling me everything will be all right. He supports my emotions, and sometimes even points them out to me when I'm doing everything but noticing them, and sits with me through the aftermath of that. I don't mind shedding tears in front of him, even if they're tears of gratefulness that he's around to begin with. And it's the most wonderful feeling in the world to have a partner that's that supportive, that loving, that open to me and my emotions, no matter what they are. Whoduthunk I'd actually have a partner that, after I had just finished freaking the fuck out on him, even if it was only partially directed at him, later said he was impressed with how angry I'd allowed myself to get?
But, of course, the idea is to be able to be that vulnerable with others, too, right? I mean, I'm not gonna ask the guy who bags my groceries to hold me while I lament about the poultry section, but I'd like to feel safe doing it around people who I know to be safe. (Whether I believe they're safe is another matter entirely.) I'd like to have that depth of feeling with people other than my husband and my Core Energetics class.
And this isn't a call for a string of "oh-I'm-safe" or whatever comments. I won't believe you till I believe you. The ball's fully in my court for this one. There's nothing you can do other than be yourselves. I'm not saying that to be nihilistic, or to take away any control of the situation from anyone else. I'm just saying this is strictly internal shit, and that I'm projecting it onto you, collectively, so I'm the only one who can really fix it. Which isn't to say you can't help, but I'm not sure what that help might be. And I'm not quite sure how I'm gonna deal with it, either, but maybe making the post is a start.
Ummmm... and if you're likely to run screaming if I start crying in front of you, you might wanna warn me now, 'cause that would so not help.
