bookofmirrors | Revelations of all Kinds, Part Five

I was talking with the woman I find myself emotionally and physically attracted to the other day.

I had found myself jittery in her presence, unlike before. In fact, if readers will recall, I was not the least bit jittery last time, and was in fact happy that I didn't feel any awkwardness.

This time, though, I felt awkward.

And I knew it was coming from me. I couldn't really tell what was coming from her. If anything, I could feel a Nothing fairly strongly, but assumed that was coming from me, too. Certainly I still enjoyed her company, and had a good time. When I had the chance, i talked to her about it, telling her how I felt. I also told her that, in the past, I had had chance encounters with both men and women, where kissing and petting had gone on, and I'd later regretted it, and not really wanted to be around the person, not really wanted to pursue anything more with them, and felt somewhat uncomfortable around them, even in nonseuxal situations, and really didn't wanna go the sexual route again. With her, on the other hand, there was no fear that way. I had no regrets, and still wanted to pursue both our friendship and anything else that may arise.

She stated that she wasn't really in the headspace right now. There was a lot going on in her life right now, and she didn't have the energy to put forth into a romantic relationship. And looking at the words as they're typed, they seem so harsh and unfeeling, but they didn't come across that way at all. I in no way felt rejected. As I told her, I understood, and was equal parts disappointed and relieved about it. I told her it was nice to know that the neutrality I felt was in fact coming from her; kinda eased my mind that I could still be objective enough to tell, even though I had doubted my instincts.

She also pointed out that, if I was jittery, I wasn't following the energy of the moment, anyway, so it wouldn't have been a good idea to pursue anything that day even if we had both been willing to do so. I had to agree with that.

All in all, it was a very good conversation. I'm totally willing to just go with the flow, and I have very little fear of letting things happen, or not happen, as the case may be, and I have very little fear of being jittery and awkward next time I'm with her.

After we had talked about it, in fact, I felt much better, as is to be expected. I was able to sit in comfortable silence with her, and was able to bask in the energy of our friendship.

And thus conclude the Revelations of K'La.

:)