Revelations of all Kinds, Part Four

[bookofmirrors]

Another very long one, in need of

Last night, blckwngdorcl and I got in a long discussion about stuff. I'm still having issues with the whole gaming thing. Not quite as much as I did, but still some. I was at the point where I knew I needed to back off, and I understood intellectually why, but emotionally, I was still feeling abandoned, so my backing off had this distinctly martyrish feel to it. At least to me. That part didn't come up in conversation.

Anyway, we were talking about that, and how, early in the relationship, some of his friends had said I was clingy and such. He hadn't thought so at the time, and I asked him if 20/20 hindsight had changed his mind, since we both agreed I was being unnecessarily clingy now. He said he really didn't know, but he didn't think so, or else that was kinda what he wanted at the time. Those weren't his exact words, but the gist of it. Maybe if he can remember better than I can, or clarify anything in this post, he'll do so in the Comments section. (Thus ends the subtle hint of the day.)

We also talked about how I just handled a lot of things, sometimes without really asking him. Usually, we'd discussed it enough that I felt I knew what he would have wanted, and just went with that, especially when he wasn't conveniently around to ask and I needed something done quickly. Often times, I did this most in a situation where he had indicated he got stressed doing it himself. So, I did what I thought was a favor to him, and just took care of it, using everything I knew about what he and I both wanted and needed. And there was never really a problem with it. Except that blckwngdorcl felt left out of the process. We discussed our different perspectives on that sort of thing, where I felt I was being nice to him by doing things that way, and it had never occured to me that he might feel any differently about it, and he saying he could see that, but it made him feel like he didn't have any control over the situation, and that he'd like more up-to-the-minute input. (Again, paraphrasing.) This went really well.

When we got home, he unexpectedly did something I'd forgotten I'd asked him to do. He did a tarot reading.

He's been having problems with his computer for a long time, off and on. Every time, it seems related to a game he's playing, usually Morrowind. I told him it was one of three things. Plain old computer error, plain and simple, which just happens to keep happening over and over again on the same thing, or same types of things. Or, the gods were trying to tell him something very similar to what I was trying to tell him, which was to stop playing the damn games and do something more useful with his life. or, that I was subconsciously doing some sort of poltergeist thing with this computer to make it not work for the games. I told him he should do a 3-pile yes/no spread to determine if the gods were trying to tell him something. So, he did.

For those of you who don't know, basically, you shuffle the whole deck, and lay down 3 piles of 13 cards. In each pile, you stop either at the first ace you get, or, if you don't get an ace, you go up to the 13th card, and then go to the next pile. An ace basically means yes. No aces means absolutely not, one ace means probably not, two aces means probably so, and 3 aces means fuck yeah. He got one ace on the last pile. I reluctantly had him ask if I was the one fucking shit up, since I thought the one ace might point to that.

That spread had 3 aces. His response. "Quit it." Said with pretty good humor, but a bit of an edge to it.

So, I asked him to do a couple of more readings. These are below, or at least, my scribbles on them are... The first question was:

What changes does K'La need to make to resolve the computer issue?

Celtic Cross spread, Hanson-Roberts deck

1 (present position)
10 of Cups
home, abode, happiness, joy, et cetera... reputation

2 (immediate influence - that which crosses you)
The Heirophant, reversed
(the Heirophant represents Taurus, blckwngdorcl's sun sign)
overkindness, foolish exercise of generosity
(blckwngdorcl says he believes this relates to my belief that I'm being overly kind by "allowing" him to play games on the computer, when I think he could be spending more time following his path.)

3 (what the questioner [me] thinks the outcome should be)
Justice
fairness, proper balance, just reward, fair for all for good or ill

4 (distant past foundation)
Queen of Cups
warm-hearted, fair, wife

5 (past)
The Empress
feminine progress, feminine influence, fruitfulness, accomplishment, marriage, ability to motivate others, fertility, children

6 (future influence)
The Ace of Pentacles, reversed
prosperity without happiness, fool's gold
(blckwngdorcl's comment upon seeing this card: "You really think I'm wasting my time.")

7 (questioner [me] in present attitude)
Strength
strength, conviction, energy, action, confidence, innate ability, accomplishment, mind over matter, matter over mind

8 (environmental factors, questioner's [my] influence, reveals tendencies of others on questioner [me])
The Hermit, reversed
imprudence, hastiness, rashness, prematurity, foolish acts, incorrect advice, failure caused by dullness, unnecessary delay, immaturity
(More on this card later...)

9 (inner emotions, hopes and fears of questioner [me])
The Fool
thoughtlessness, folly, immaturity, frivolity

10 (culmination)
The Hanged Man
life in suspension, change, reversal, passivity equals apathy, renunciation, period of respite, sacrifice, repentance, rebirth, approach of new life forces

Thought on this reading:
1 - This says the present situation isn't really bad at all, despite this particular conflict.
2 - This says that, in my mind, at least, blckwngdorcl is what I feel is crossing me.
3 - This says I want equal time, but that I also want him to have equal time.
4 - This says I haven't always been this way (which is true) as far as being a freak about his gaming.
5 - Nothing interesting here. It says we got married. True enough.
6 - Basically, this says what blckwngdorcl said it did. I think he's wasting his time on gaming.
7 - This says I'm pretty set in my ways regarding this. It may also say I have a little bit of a point. (This isn't particularly clear in my reading, and I just now as I was typing it out thought of it... it becomes more clear in blckwngdorcl's reading.)
8 - This is the card I had the hardest time dealing with. The positional meaning was unclear to me, since it mentioned the questioner's (my) influence, but also mentioned the influence of others (blckwngdorcl) on the questioner (me). In my mind, I could see the unnecessary delay, the immaturity, foolish acts, all referring to blckwngdorcl's gaming. But, I acknowledged that those things could also apply to myself, and my overreaction to his gaming.
9 - This card, combined with the 8th card, confused me even more. Was I afraid that I had those qualities, or that blckwngdorcl did? I had to stop blckwngdorcl at this point in the reading, and ask what he thought about it, since I could see it both ways. He gave that pregnant pause he does, and said that he thought I was full of shit, and I knew perfectly well what it meant, and I that I was avoiding that answer. Which, ::sigh::, is what I had suspected as well. So, I had to reluctantly admit that both these cards referred to me.
10 - This is actually somewhat encouraging. Basically, it advocates doing what I've been working on already, which is giving blckwngdorcl free rein on the computer. Not that I'd forbidden him before, but my energy was clearly saying that, and not just by breaking the computer, so he'd just not been doing it as much. But, it also says that, after that particular trial and (what I consider to be) sacrifice, things would get better.

This reading is kinda harsh. And, there's a part of me that would like to say that the reader was just a bit biased, 'cause of how the outcome affected him. Unfortunately, everything he said, and everything the cards said, rang true.

However, just to be fair, and to make sure that effort regarding this wasn't one sided, we asked the same question with blckwngdorcl as the questioner.

What changes does Glenn need to make to resolve the computer issue?

Celtic Cross spread, Hanson-Roberts deck

1 (present position)
Ace of Cups
(commonly referred to as "your cup runneth over") abundance, fulfillment, happiness

2 (immediate influence - that which crosses you)
The High Priestess
wisdom, serene knowledge, objectivity, intuition, practicality

3 (what the questioner [blckwngdorcl] thinks the outcome should be)
4 of Pentacles
love of material wealth, miser, inability to share

4 (distant past foundation)
Strength
strength, conviction, energy, action, confidence, innate ability, accomplishment, mind over matter, matter over mindmind

5 (past)
Knight of Pentacles
mature and responsible person, responsible, methodical, ability to conclude task, capable, dependable

6 (future influence)
The Lovers
love, beauty, harmony, confidence, trust, honor, optimism, freedom of emotion, necessity of testing or trial, struggle between sacred and profane love

7 (questioner [blckwngdorcl] in present attitude)
The Chariot
trouble, adversity (possibly already overcome), turmoil, vengeance, success, possible journey, escape, urgency to gain control of one's emotions

8 (environmental factors, questioner's [blckwngdorcl's] influence, reveals tendencies of others on questioner [blckwngdorcl])
2 of Rods, reversed
sadness, trouble, restraint caused my others, loss of faith, surprise

9 (inner emotions, hopes and fears of questioner [blckwngdorcl])
Queen of Rods, reversed
jealousy, deceit, possible infidelity, fickleness, resistance, obstacles

10 (culmination)
Page of Cups
studious and intent person, reflective, meditative, loyal, willingness to offer services and energies toward a specific goal, a trustworthy worker

Thoughts on this reading:
1 - Basically, the same as mine. This card says our situation is actually pretty damn good, for both of us.
2 - This card kinda threw me for a loop after my reading seemed so harsh. But, basically, we both agreed that this card said that I did have a point about the gaming.
3 - I think this means that blckwngdorcl, at this point, wants to hoarde gaming time, basically. Which is totally understandable, given the issues that have been surrounding it lately.
4 - Not entirely sure what this means, and I don't remember us talking about it. I think it means that blckwngdorcl is coming at this whole thing from a position of strength, because he's never been one to back down to me in the past.
5 - This basically says something that he and I have talked about in the past. He got along just fine before I came along, thank you very much, and he doesn't really need my interference now.
6 - This, again, says things will be OK, but there will be the struggle, the trial; most likely, my learning to let go of all this.
7 - This seems to be blckwngdorcl's fear that it won't work out, and will be a constant source of dissention between us.
8 - This refers to the current situation. His loss of faith, the restraint I put on him, his sadness related to it.
9 - These are his fears related to me. Perhaps that I'll become so upset about it that I'll leave him. (Which won't happen, silly husband.)
10 - This card made me cry when he read it to me. I took it to mean that if I just left well enough alone, he would come to be exactly what he was meant to be, even if left strictly to his own devices without my interference.

So, basically, there ya have it. As I said to blckwngdorcl, basically, my reading said I was being a whiny bitch, and his reading said I had a point in spite of that. Both readings said that things really aren't going badly for either one of us, and that once we worked through this, everything would be fine. It's not surprising, I suppose, but it's kinda nice to have it spelled out, and the last card in his spread really nailed it down for me. I feel upset about it, of course. No one likes to hear they're wrong about something, even if they have suspected it all along. But, there is hope, too. And, the whole process, I think, went really well. Except for my hesitation on my 8th and 9th cards, and his hesitation on his 2nd card, I think we both dealt with what was said very well.

Of course, now we have to implement all this, and the hardest job, I think, is going to be mine, but I have more of an intuitive knowing than an intellectual one now, so I think that's going to help immensely.

Wish me luck. Wish us luck. :)

Comments

[isarma.livejournal.com]

Hey, I don't know Glenn as well as you, of course, but here's a thought. Maybe gaming isn't avoiding practical work? Maybe, for him, doing something like that helps him think and process. I know that, for Brian, he often can't work through an issue until he tinkers or games or does something by himself and clears his head and it just comes to him. Perhaps you're not as trust of his own processes? Having said that, sure, like anything gaming can be used so intensely that it stops him from doing anything productive. However, it's his to draw that line. Married or no, it's not yours. If you don't like when he doesn't spend time with you, sure, say it. But, it'll be his choice how and if he resolves it. You can only decide what's right for you. And he for him.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we've been talking about that, too. And it's hard for me to accept. Partially because our therapist said that gaming WAS an escape for him. And that sex was an escape for me. And, we both thought about it, and agreed she was right, on both counts. However, something I talked about with blckwngdorcl later (but much earlier than all this stuff came up) was that, even though sex was an escape for me, it wasn't ALWAYS an escape, and, in fact, could be a very positive thing. In fact, I think it's just about reached that stage at this point. So, conversely, gaming can also be an escape for him, but also a positive thing, and it doesn't always have to be an escape. I guess I immediately jump to the conclusion that it's always an escape, which totally isn't fair to him. And yes, you're right - it's totally not my place to draw that line, or make that decision. And, intellectually, I get that. I'm starting to grasp it emotionally now, which is the main thing. Part of it is that his process is so DIFFERENT than mine, sometimes I don't see it happening, and then I get worried whether or not it's going on at all. Which, again, is totally not my business, but I'm still in the place where I worry, want what's best for him, etc., and I want HIM to look around and pay attention, so he can make informed choices on that for himself. I'm glad that at least I'm not wanting to make the choices for him... at this point I guess I'm worried that he's not looking at his options enough to make the choices for himself. Again, not my problem, or, at least it shouldn't be. We're (thankfully) talking it out, and those talks seem to be going well, with much understanding being gained on both sides.

Thanks for the insight. :)