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bookofmirrorsFeeling very edgy right now. Much happier with the house. Still a lot of clutter around the desks, but I can live with that. In fact, it may be my next distraction.
I still want very much to make that post I mentioned a few days back, and today would be the perfect day for it. Except that I took advantage of wanting to clean the house to do so. And no regrets on that, believe me. I feel very good about that. But now, it's clean enough to satisfy me, so my next order of "housecleaning" has popped up in my head, and it's that post. And an email or two...
And yeah, the following are just excuses, and I know it, but I'm wallowing in them right now, and not going to apologize for it. I am, however, going to whine about it. *shrug* Did I mention I'm not perfect?
Anyway, all of the above mentioned writings put me in a very vulnerable place, and there are only a few sets of circumstances where I will allow myself into that space. Unfortunately, tonight does not contain that set of circumstances. It's scary enough to write the stuff to begin with. To do so under less than ideal circumstances REALLY scares the hell outta me.
So, I sit here, aching to get it out, and feeling paralyzed by that fear, and annoyed both at my rigidity in the self-imposed where- and why-fores of my writing, and at the Universe for not providing them, and for me for not demanding them. So... that's where I'm at.
Thinking about you guys, my LJ friends, especially those I know in real life. Missing you, feeling the absence of you...
I guess that's it. I'm feeling kinda lonely, but want very much to be alone tonight. Weird, huh?
So... I guess I'll straighten out my desk clutter.
My LJ account expires in 12 days, too. Ditto the Beastie. *sigh* (Well, less now, 'cause that email was a few days ago...)
I still want very much to make that post I mentioned a few days back, and today would be the perfect day for it. Except that I took advantage of wanting to clean the house to do so. And no regrets on that, believe me. I feel very good about that. But now, it's clean enough to satisfy me, so my next order of "housecleaning" has popped up in my head, and it's that post. And an email or two...
And yeah, the following are just excuses, and I know it, but I'm wallowing in them right now, and not going to apologize for it. I am, however, going to whine about it. *shrug* Did I mention I'm not perfect?
Anyway, all of the above mentioned writings put me in a very vulnerable place, and there are only a few sets of circumstances where I will allow myself into that space. Unfortunately, tonight does not contain that set of circumstances. It's scary enough to write the stuff to begin with. To do so under less than ideal circumstances REALLY scares the hell outta me.
So, I sit here, aching to get it out, and feeling paralyzed by that fear, and annoyed both at my rigidity in the self-imposed where- and why-fores of my writing, and at the Universe for not providing them, and for me for not demanding them. So... that's where I'm at.
Thinking about you guys, my LJ friends, especially those I know in real life. Missing you, feeling the absence of you...
I guess that's it. I'm feeling kinda lonely, but want very much to be alone tonight. Weird, huh?
So... I guess I'll straighten out my desk clutter.
My LJ account expires in 12 days, too. Ditto the Beastie. *sigh* (Well, less now, 'cause that email was a few days ago...)
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-09 10:31 pm (UTC)I think it might have been because I was thinking about writing fanfic on that filter at one time, and you said you would opt out in that case.
The "Erotic Encounters" filter now includes all OSOs other than the hubbies, and past erotic experiences. I added you back, assuming you *do* still want to be on this filter.
If no, please let me know. I made two posts in there today. You can review them, and then decide.
*hugs* on the loneliness, ending of the LJ account, and the fear in wanting to post. I had that recently, too, but happy to say it dissipated and I'm back on track now.
Looking forward to that post. They're good for you, methinks.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-09 10:37 pm (UTC)And I certainly won't be ending my account. But damned if I'm gonna lose all my userpics and the other perks! :) There'll be money in the account by the time it's due; we'll squeak in under the wire.
And yeah, the posts are good. Very cathartic, and I need the catharsis right now.
Thank you.