Name Dropping: karlita

[bookofmirrors]

Last week, Monday maybe?

Anyway, I woke up, and, I think it was in the shower (which was cold, don't know why, although BlckwngdOrcl said the maintenance people came in and fixed something while he was sleeping) that I suddenly noticed my right arm/neck HURT. It was pretty out of blue, with no apparent cause (except maybe the cold water, but it wasn't that cold, and even if it were, that didn't really make any sense to me), but it hurt the rest of the day. Again, payday was on my side, and I'd been meaning to try out karlita's massage wares for a while now, 'cause I love the way she writes about them. So, I called her up, and she did have an opening that night.

I'd been to retrohaven once before, to allow my body to be used as a canvas for the credits to a local BDSM film. (No way I'm hunting entries for a link to that one, but I did make a post about it, as did she - not about me, but about hosting for it.) It was very cool. kippiepoo (has his LJ name changed?) does amazing fucking work.

Anyway, got there, petted the cat (Trixie) and headed downstairs and laid on the table. I was thankful that I wasn't stricken with that sudden excruciating pain that occurred when I had my massage with Profundis.

It was a totally different experience. There was this sense of ...don't know how to describe it... we chatted during the massage, and it's almost like that distracted me from what she was doing, so that, when I happened to notice my body again, it was different. Less painful, for sure, but just different, too. And that kept happening. Chat, notice body, hmm that's interesting, chat, notice, hmmm... It all seemed so effortless.

I had a strong sense that her work was needed to complete Profundis' work, although it was a sense I got more after the fact than during. Like he'd loosened the fascia, but the muscles weren't ready to cooperate that day, but they were this time. I still got that sense of damaged wings, especially on my right side; again with the male issues, which she agreed with.

Side note: Prior to this, I think this was mostly due to the self-created friction with LuneNoire. Now, I think, it's because I'm with David so much. Love him, great guy, but he reminds me a great deal of my father, and when I do something that I feel disappoints him, or when he tries to dispense similar advice, I'm put right in that place again, not sure what to say, or do, to not make him think I'm a total fuckup. It's hard to be in that position. I think that's where a lot of my right side issues are coming from nowadays. I'm guessing this has much to teach me, although I also have a completely different lesson to learn, which will also be posted on before I go to bed.

Anyway, the overall word I would use to describe the massage is "effortless". I mean, it might not have been on her part, but it certainly felt like it was. Like her hands floated above me, and then things were better. Which isn't an accurate physical description at all, as her hands are very strong, and worked my muscles hard.

The theme that seemed to come up in our chat was birth(ing) and my adoption. One of the things she asked me towards the end was what would I have wanted my newly-born self to be greeted with, to be told. I responded that I wanted to be wanted.

Another side note: It was weird to me. I kinda expected to have this major cathartic experience there, where I'd cross through some barrier, weep and wail, or something. That didn't really happen. I didn't really feel Mask-y, but nothing like that came up. My self-critical side is angry at myself for not allowing that to happen, but my Higher Self knows that things happened exacty as they should have. And it's certainly not to say that the experience wasn't cathartic; just that I didn't break down and have an emotional outburst of any kind. And that's OK.

If I'd been in that space, I think that statement would have made me cry. But, I think it was the first time I'd really articulated it, thought about it. It wasn't that I wanted to be loved. I think I was loved. Certainly, she loves me now, and says so when I call her. I think you can't help but love your child, whether you keep it or not. I'm sure there are women who don't, but I simply cannot put myself in that place. Anyway, I knew in that moment that she loved me, but I didn't know that she wanted me. Knew, in fact, that she didn't want me.

I think this has had huge repercussions in my life. That need to feel both loved and wanted in my life has been a theme. With my first husband, I perceived that I was wanted, and not loved. With Fig, I was (I think, as best he could) loved, and not wanted (although he was happy to take what I offered him). With BlckwngdOrcl, I feel loved, but not always wanted. (In my adult years, "wanted" has translated into a sexual thing.) This is a delicate balance for me, and interesting to note how far back this goes. I intend to explore this further. It's definitely something to incorporate for my Schizoid Character Structure paper for core_energetics when I get around to it. Again, not tonight. I've got a gut-wrenching post soon, and I can only handle so much gut-wrenching in one night.

Anyway, when I left there, I felt much better, very much in alignment, very much in my body, very much less in pain. And my hunched up shoulders were relaxed. It now feels much less "natural" to hold them up, and I can fully relax them down (although I still often have to think about it and consciously relax them).

It was a very good thing.

Comments

[manifestress.livejournal.com]

It was a true delight to see you - and just trust that you get what you need, always, wherever you go (or not) to get it.

I love your description of "effortless" - that's definitely something that I hold in my mind, and strive for.

What a blessing to know you.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you.

[profundis.livejournal.com]

Gee thanks, give *me* the hard session! LOL! "Well I loosened it up for you!" :D

Glad you completed the bodywork - lots of people go once and thats' it.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I'm going to try to be better about it. This month will be the first full month of the new paycheck thing, so I'll have a better idea of how I can pamper myself.