Friendship

[bookofmirrors]

A while back, SimplySakka made a post (which I could have SWORN I commented on, but I don't see my comment... I hope after both she and I [thanks, hon!] looking for it, it's the right one...) which talked about friendship, which was something I'd already been pondering for quite some time. As is my usual, I haven't gotten around to making the post until now, 'cause I have to be in a "mood" to get all introspective on here... although I think it's more accurate to say I have to gather up my courage to write down things I consider scary to put on public display, and for public commenting. But, at any rate, this has been bubbling up more than usual lately, so I figure it's time. Also, I opted out of what I'm sure would have been a fabulous date with WalkingBear to do so, so I figure it's way cheating if I don't do it now. :) Added bonus is that I currently have the house to myself, although I know that won't last long. I was asleep when BlckwngdOrcl and LuneNoire left to go see Pirates of the Carribean, and speak of the devil, they just walked in. So, what did I tell you? So, like I said, I wasn't alone for long... anyway, I don't recall actually planning on napping; I mean, I did, but at the time BlckwngdOrcl and I were curled up in bed, I don't recall actually making the decision to drift off, but apparently I did. And, when I did wake up, I procrastinated this post by catching up on LJ and email, and eating... Incidentally, myndsweep's current threads are the subject of another post that's been banging around in my head lately, too. I may or may not get to that tonight. Don't count on it. I'm likely to be drained after this one... Which, in case you haven't noticed, I'm still procrastinating, even within the context of the post itself.

Also, I realize, I'm about to write this during Mercury retrograde, which is probably way stupid. Supposedly, I communicate better during this time, since I was born during a retrograde of Mercury (in Libra), but I've not really noticed a difference. Anyway, just thought I'd toss that out there in hopes that comments will be merciful. Heh.

By the way, as always, I prefer all commments to be honest, not the false blowing-sunshine-up-my-ass type.



I don't feel like I've been a good friend lately. I'm just talking friendship here... I'm not even throwing anything romantic and/or sexual into this. And by "lately", I'm talking over the course of the past few years. In fact, it's so far back that I'm having trouble remembering when it all started. Sometime shortly after we moved into Harmony, I think, which was 3 years ago; I use that only as a frame of reference for time, not because I think it has a causal relationship. (Although that might be something to consider later...)

So, for roughly 3 years this has been going on. And sure, I could blame it on several external factors, and some of them would actually be legitimate. I really did have jobs where I worked crazy hours for a very long time, and felt like I barely had time to catch my breath between working hours. I really did have a lack of money which I felt precluded me going out and doing a lot of things, especially when others covered the cost, 'cause it left me with a sense of owing people. I really do hate to leave my house when it's in less than stellar order, physically or otherwise. All those things are true.

But, they weren't true all the time. There were times I had time, and chose to spend it doing things other than maintaining relationships, other than that with my husband. There were times I had money, and chose to spend it on things other than outings with friends, or gifts for friends. There were times when the house was spotless, adn I was happy with my relationship(s). Clearly, there were other reasons.

And I can talk about those reasons. And have, really, in other posts. This one is probably the most telling. Isarma made a comment to another of my codependence posts, which in part said "You've smothered off everything that doesn't compliment the codependant cycle...this coming from a once close friend who talks to you maybe 3 times a year. And no, I'm not mad, I'm just saying, there's no room for anyone else in that." And yeah, I think that's pretty much it. All other things, while true, I believe are just excuses, or manifestations of those excuses. I've been deeply immersed in my codependency over the past few years, and my relationships with everyone but my husband have suffered. I could come up with some deep-sounding bullshit which would all be true, and might cast me in a better light, or as a victim of circumstance, or something else which might garner me some sympathy and/or forgiveness from the peanut gallery, but it wouldn't be Truth.

So, I'm tearing myself away from expounding more on that (you wouldn't believe how hard that is for me), and going on to the aftermath of it, which is even scarier for me to write. In a melodramatic sort of way, this is kind of like waking up from a dream, or a coma, or King Theodin released from his spell. I suddenly see the world without the filter of codependence (most of the time, I hope), and I look back, and see the damage it has wrought in myself, and in all my relationships, and it's overwhelming to me. There's a sense of disbelief, of denial. Holy shit, what happened? Did I do that??? No, no, of course I didn't. I'm a good person, and good people don't do that, so there must be some other explanation. So, I've been trying very hard to use that as an excuse. Even knowing it's not true hasn't stopped me from using that as my excuse to myself, to others. I've been able to dissociate from it to a degree that I'm not overwhelmed by my own guilt. Unfortunately, I've been working too hard on learning not to lie to myself for this to continue working for any length of time. I just end up feeling more and more the incongruity of it, not to mention feeling guilty about lying in general.

But I do feel guilty. And I'll get back to that later.

I mentioned to someone a while back (maybe more than one someones... I don't remember) that what I needed were friends who could tolerate my fickleness. Friends who could completely understand my tendency to do things like basically go away without explanation for say, 3 years, and totally welcome me back with open arms when I finally stick my head out, and be able to continue the friendship like nothing had ever happened. While I really do crave this, I also find it, among other things, somewhat insulting to my friends, and dishonest. It precludes anyone from talking about any feelings they may have had (or not had) about my falling off the face of the earth. Perhaps it's hubris on my part to think it affected people at all, but I'd like to think that I have/had some impact on people's lives, and that not having me around had one, as well. Which, as I write this, makes it look like the whole disappearance thing was simply to get that type of reaction, which it wasn't, for the record.

As somewhat of a relevant aside, I made a post a while back about feeling guilty, and what to do about it. Only one person responded (thanks!), but even that wasn't the response I was looking for. What I was trying to say with that post was that I have a really fucked up idea of guilt, what guilt is, what it should be, and I really don't have a good idea of what a NORMAL person would feel guilty about. Guilt is a huge thing for a codendent person. We feel guilty about EVERYTHING, way over and above what would be considered a normal and healthy taking-responsibility-for-your-own-actions kinda thing. What I was asking in that post was, was my level of guilt (and the actions I was considering taking/not taking as a result) NORMAL for the situation. I still don't know. But, please be aware that, as I discuss my feelings of guilt in this post, and they seem disproportionate to the situation... that's because I simply have NO CONCEPT of what a normal level of guilt would be. (Some might say no guilt is "normal", and that thought has merit, but it's WAAAAAY beyond my ken right now as it relates to myself.) I would certainly be interested in comments to this post (or the linked one) that provide a reality check on that.

So, back to the aftermath of my codependency as it relates to my friendships. I have friends - LOCAL friends - whom I haven't seen in over a year, or can count on one hand, with several fingers left over, the number of times I've seen them in the past 3 years. These are people I like, have respect for, felt/feel close to, and enjoy their company. And I haven't gone out of my way (or even *in* my way) to see or otherwise contact during that time. And on those few occassions it does happen, I remember strongly how much that relationship means/meant to me, and vow to keep up with it better.

And I never do.

But I really mean it at the time. Honest I do. And I mean it now. I want to re-connect with people. Not everyone, to be honest. But many.

But how the HELL do I do that??? I mean, I've been off the radar for about 3 years, I've blown off get-togethers, parties, dates, coffee, you name it. I haven't been available, I've made very few commitments to be available, and I've cancelled a great deal of those. I've apologized sincerely about it, and my actions haven't changed. What the hell makes me think I deserve friendship, in the face of all that?? Yeah, whatever, it might be cute and quirky, just one of those things you roll your eyes about in a fond way, but still keep on loving the person - kinda like everyone knows Bulwerk is an asshole and Dai_Syn is some freaky fucked-up law unto himself, but their friends (myself included) love them anyway. But that doesn't necessarily make it a good thing. I mean, I don't really want to be considered THAT kind of flake, although that shoe certainly has fit lately. And really, how long are people willing to keep that kind of flakiness in their lives? And quite understandable if they choose not to, y'know?

*sigh* I've lost my train of thought for the moment... Gimme a sec.

*munches sandwich and cuddles husband*

So, yeah, still not quite sure where to go with this. So, I'll get down to the nitty-gritty of what I'm feeing right now.

I'm scared. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared that I've damaged many of my friendships beyond repair. I'm scared of being judged because of it. (As a side note, judgement and dismissal are also a bit of a relief, because it makes it easier for me to allow myself to dismiss it, too; and judgement allows me to wallow in self-pity and gives me an excuse for my guilt.) I'm also scared of my anger (see below).

I'm hurt. I'm hurt at the thought that I might be judged for my actions. It hurts me to think that people would pass judgements on my actions (or lack thereof) of the past 3 years. I know I've been inattentive and such lately, but I had things going on in my own life! I'm not really a bad person! Why do people hate me?? It's a melodramatic hurt, and I recognize that, but it's real to me nonetheless.

I'm angry. This one is weird. I'm angry that people might judge me. Dammit, they should know better. They know perfectly well that I'm not a bad person, and they're still gonna be all upset about this? Fuck 'em! I recognize that this is a defensive anger, and unreasonable. But I think it's important for me to put it down here, because I recognize it as being there, and I so often don't recognize, much less acknowledge, this emotion in myself. I'm also angry at myself for being so flaky and inconsistent.

I'm ashamed. I've been a bad friend. I should be punished. I shouldn't expect anyone to have any desire to hang out with me. I don't deserve friendship. Again, total melodrama, and total reality.

I'm needy. I want so bad to be a friend to people again. I want to be well-regarded by the people who used to regard me well. I want to be asked out. I want to be wanted, needed, loved, and I want that to translate into face-to-face encounters. I want to touch people, and be touched by them, to look into their eyes, hold their hand, sit next to them in a theatre, across from them at a table, curl up with them in bed. I want all those things. Sadly, right now, I can only see even this in the worst possible light. I want them because I'm whiny, because I'm pathetic. Never mind that these are documented normal human needs - right now I just feel like a wuss to want this. And, still very much in the mode of not feeling like I deserve that, and very much fearing rejection.

I find myself very Lower Self about all this. Which, I suppose is OK in that that's where I'm at, and I'm expressing it. But, y'know, I much prefer to be in my Higher Self about things. Y'know, that place where I want to hang out with people because I'm feeling all expansive, and sharing of love and shit. But I'm not at all in that place right now. Which, of course, just leads me to believe that, since my primary motivations aren't pure, I shouldn't even be pursuing that at all.

Something else I feel needy about is forgiveness. I feel very strongly like I need forgiveness for this. I want to be exonerated of my guilt. If I'm forgiven for all this, then I needn't have felt horrible for it in the first place, right? I can blow it all off. Hooray! It means I'm not a bad person. Also Hooray! There are some people from whom I no longer feel the need for forgiveness (one of which to whom I owe a letter that is even longer overdue than this post). But others... yeah, well. I'm still in that wallowing-in-guilt phase, and I want someone else's permission to get out of it. Which, I suppose to some degree is functional, secondary to my own lack of good judgment about levels of appropriate guilt, but not really.

*sigh* Here's my problem... I know and understand a LOT. I'm pretty empathic and intuitive. I've studied the human psyche fairly extensively, and am constantly trying to explore my own. I can usually do a pretty good job of putting myself into someone else's shoes. All good things, right? Not necessarily. BlckwngOrcl and I were talking about this the other day, and he was giving me some through-the-grapevine insights. Except that he didn't tell me a single thing I hadn't already considered, with about 10 more permutations than he mentioned. This is probably the root of LuneNoire saying a while back that it didn't seem like I listen to him (or anyone else, although I think that's my own addition, not his). It's not that I don't listen. It's just that it's EXTREMELY rare for someone to tell me something that I haven't already pondered ad nauseum. The one thing that was mentioned that I hadn't considered in this context was something I often consider, and it didn't take long to incorporate it into the schema I already had. Instantaneous, practically. So, yeah, useful, right? Except that it spins me in loops. I can see my actions from the outside, and I already have a pretty good idea how it's been viewed, or could be viewed. I *get* it. But, that just puts me more at a standstill. I don't go beyond that. People's capacity for forgiveness, or moving forward, or whatever, while intellectually acknowledged by me, is greatly overlooked. Yeah, people have this great capacity, but not as it relates to ME, because I'm unforgivable, or don't deserve it, 'cause MY crimes are SO horrible. Even this is hubris, a way to stand out from the crowd. So why bother? Besides, if you stick your neck out, and you get rejected... then it hurts...

And worse... if I stick my neck out, there's clearly some hope there. Some little part of me peeking out from behind the thick curtain with wide, scared eyes, hoping to not be sent away. And if that little hope is crushed.... Oh, that's the most devastating blow of all. Because, you see, I was really really hoping I didn't deserve all the pain and derision I place upon myself. I was really really hoping to find some external proof I don't suck, because my internal reserves are kinda low right now, and haven't ever really been that high to begin with.

And then there's another thing. There are some people who I once was friends with, and as I think about reconnecting with people, I'm really not all that interested in reconnecting with them, for whatever reason. Some of those reasons are just that initial impressions I had and overlooked seem to have borne out to be true, and with as few reserves as I have nowadays, I'd really like to focus on those people I do want to connect with. Which means, in my mind, there has to be a confrontation. It's not REALLY a confrontation. More like, hey, sorry, y'know, I just don't really wanna hang out with you much. Sometimes I could give a reason or 20. Sometimes not. But most of the time, I figure my reasons would likely be hurtful. I mean, even if I say that *I'm* the one with the issue about whatever personality trait they have, which is true, I know that if I were on the other end of such a conversation, no matter how compassionately expressed, I'd be hurt and/or pissed. And I don't really like being on the other end of that. Not to mention that I usually don't express that to people, 'cause for most of my life I've billed myself as someone who can see the good in everyone, get along with everyone, etc., and this would be a huge shift for me. And I *can* see the good in pretty much everyone I know. Honestly. But, as time goes on, and I want to reconnect with people, I really want those connections to count. I have a clearer idea of the kinds of people I want to surround myself with, and I don't want to dilute that. There are some people that, right or wrong, I've already made the judgement on whether or not I want to pursue a relationship with them; others I'd kinda like to re-visit and make a choice. And, to me, that just sounds callous. I mean, it's honest, it makes sense, it even sounds like a great healthy decision. But it still seems cruel to me, and unfeeling, especially when I'm whining in this post about how bad I've been and how I want to be back in people's good graces, but I'm saying I'm not willing to let some into mine. (Not that I really have BAD graces, that I know of. It's just that... oh shit... I didn't realize this until I was writing it just now... I'm developing boundaries. Which, for me, *IS* way healthy. Just. Yikes.)

*sigh* I think I've almost beaten this dead horse, except for one thing which I've kinda avoided doing this whole post. 'Cause it's the actual sticking of my neck out part.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I haven't been there for you guys, I'm sorry I've lied to myself and to you about my motivations for not doing so. I'm sorry for a lot of things.

I can only hope I haven't cashed in all my chips, and that there's still room out there for me. For those of you who've already proven this to me, I'm grateful, and can't thank you enough. For those of you who have chosen to divert your energies elsewhere, I understand, 'cause I'm trying to do that, too. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but I do understand.

I suppose this post is done. I had this weird dizzy spell a minute ago, which I don't think can be simply dismissed as the aftermath of crying. It feels done, although I usually like to end it more poetically, or dramatically, or something.

But I just don't have anything more to add.

Thanks for "listening".

Comments

ok...here is what I think

[chimerawinds.livejournal.com]

Basically disappearing for 3 years really isn't the most horrible thing you could have done to your friends. Well, to most of them anyhow. You may have some friends that are angry because you were not there when they needed you. However, most of your friends (though they may be quite put out with you) do understand that you are a good person. Contact them. Try phone numbers. Try emails. LJ if they post regularly (they would see this post and hopefully be expecting you to call them or something). Let them know you still care and are sorry. Let them have their say. Don't just blindly agree with them when they vent either. We often do that when we know we are the ones in the wrong. Really take time to listen. While you have their attention, take time address the issues. You will end up with most of your old friends back and you'll be on the road to reforging those friendships. Once done, let GO of the guilt. You have a tendancy to hold on to it. To beat yourself up about it. DON'T. Now you might get a couple of 'fuck you's' in this process, however, you might be surprised at how few they may be. If the friendships were deep, all involved will be wanting to revive it.

Good luck in this endevour. Call me if you need to talk. email me at ladycrystala1@yahoo.com and I'll give you my number. Put LJ or K'la in the subject so I don't think you are spam.

Blessed Be honey

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Interesting, definitely.

Explains a lot of things.

I have a wayyyy overdue e-mail to send you, and perhaps I'll be able to finally sit down and compose it soon.

You were really brave to write all of this out, and I, as I'm sure a lot of other people, give you lots of credit and kudos for that.

[spy-isis.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say that you coming out to the Nature Center today meant the world to me eventhough I didn't have alot of time to hang out. It was really wonderful to be able to share that part of my life with someone. Thank you.

[(Anonymous)]

please don't take any offence to this but your are your worst enemy,your own judge and jury per say.did you ever stop to think that during this 3 year period you were busy most of the time and with work,husbands and a life to live sometimes you just dont have time nor the energy to be there for everyone.and i'm sure your friends were doing the same. life has a way of doing that,you get caught up in the day to day activities of life and some things just are not a priority at the moment,not that you don't care about that person you just have your life to live too.give your self a break you are not a bad person.and as always live and love life.