Random Goings On in my Life

[bookofmirrors]

So, I stayed up late last night, catching up computer-y stuff, which was cool. I'm likely going to cull my friends list again, soon. Typically, I use LJ to keep up with people I know in real life, so the ones I don't know are most likely to be cut. Don't take it personally. It's just that I've added a lot of people lately, thinking I had the time to keep up, and clearly I don't. When I defriend someone, it's for convenience, usually. It has nothing to do with drama, or anything like that. I know some people get freaked the fuck out when they're defriended, but, in my case, it ain't about you. Really. Get over it. And remember, none of my posts are locked, so me de-friending someone doesn't cut you out of being able to read any of my posts.

Anyway, life has been reasonably good. So much is in transition now. As I knew and expected, BlckwngdOrcl having a job isn't helping me much financially. I knew it was gonna be a slow incline to prosperity, but actually living with it is somewhat difficult. Partially 'cause I have this conflicting mentality that things are suddenly going to be fine, all better, etc.. And, of course, they're not. Also, this is the first time, since Leo, that I've really shared the expenses with anyone. I've got it in my head that his money is supposed to be spent on me. To some degree, this is true, because we agreed to that - basically, we were talking about money, and the time I spent taking care of everything. And, without me even asking or hinting, he said that he was willing to pay me back all the money I spent in the past that would have otherwise been his share. I totally burst into tears on that. It meant sooooooo much to me that he was willing to do that. I told him I didn't really want cash, but I'd be happy to accept it back one dinner/movie/outing at a time. Which brings me to a tangent of something I meant to write about a while back...

I have recently discovered something about myself. Money isn't really money to me. Money equals caring, equals feeling taken care of. It's always been an idiosyncrisy of mine that, when someone owes me money for whatever reason, I usually just say, "Oh, just buy me something nice sometime." Of course, if I really NEED the money, I ask for it back. But mostly, I just want a sign of affection, an outward show that the gesture of me spending my money on them meant something to them, that *I* mean(t) something to them. On one hand, I'm thinking this is pretty fucked up. I mean, clearly, I'm trying to buy love here. Clearly, it's all part of the codependent thing where I try to model the behavior towards others that I want to be on the receiving end of. I mean, yeah, there's a genuineness to it to some degree - I really do like doing things for others. But there's that part of me that is really trying to get others to emulate what I'm doing, to do those things for me. Which, y'know, is kinda fucked up, 'cause, in that sense, I'm doing those things for all the wrong reasons, and it's certainly not something to emulate.

Be that as it may, spending time with someone, and having them spend money on me will always be more valuable to me than the money itself. I feel pampered, I feel taken care of, I feel loved. Clearly, there are a lot of issues here. It also makes me wonder how that relates to the money I get from my parents... Anyway, I don't feel like exploring that right now, just thought I'd throw it out there.

But, back to the original thought - right now, the fact is, after he's put aside money for bills, groceries, and his online gaming cards, and put a tank or two of gas in my tank, there really isn't much money left for pampering me. Or himself, which, of course, he should be doing as well. Plus, it hasn't really helped all that much with the bills, 'cause we're so backed up right now, or at least it feels like we are. The reality is, with the exception of Pam, we're completely caught up on the monthly bills. I get paid Wednesday, and should be able to continue this trend. But I'm not making a dent in anything else, and didn't have the money to buy my own groceries last paycheck. Granted, I splurged on haircuts, but I don't think that's necessarily spluring, when it comes down to it. When my glasses broke, it turned out I couldn't afford new ones, and my dad covered those, and said he didn't mind doing so. (And the ones I got are SOOOO fucking cool! I haven't been this excited about having glasses in ...well, ever.) But I still feel behind. Again, even though I was (supposedly) prepared for the reality of a slow climb to prosperity, there's still part of me that wants/expects things to suddenly and magically become perfect now that we all have jobs and are all contributing. I'm still paying the lion's share, but I make the most money, too, so I think that's fair. We each pay equal rent, and the utilities are divided more or less equally. Mainly, the reason I pay the most expensive utility (Comcast, which is cable/internet/phone) is because I want what I want, and I don't want anyone else cutting services so they have to pay less. So, I'm OK with that. Anyway, it's exciting and frustrating at the same time.

Also, BlckwngdOrcl's schedule is crazy. We never know what it's going to be from week to week, so we can't make any plans. Also, there are several days that he has to be there by 6am, and the buses don't run early enough to get him there on time. By my own choice, I've gotten up with him and dropped him off. It's nice to get up together, shower together, spend the morning together. Also nice to go the Starbucks on Mansell and Alpharetta Highway, have them make me a French press, get the appropriate accompanying pastry (thanks ElephantAnkh!), and read for a few hours before I have to start my day. BlckwngdOrcl and I text each other throughout the day, which is cool, and sometimes we can go home together, although he mostly takes the bus home. Unfortunately, this is wearing me down, getting up so early, especially on the nights I don't get home from David's until 1am. (I've decided to stop saying "my client". It's technically accurate, but David is my friend before he's my client, and I think the reverse is true, as well. Besides, it's a common name, and not likely to give any identifying information.) So, still trying to decide what to do about that. He'd end up taking the car, and I'd take the bus to work in the mornings, which would buy me 2 extra hours of sleep, so I'm trying to weigh that against seeing him even less. *shrug* We'll see.

My work schedule is changing a bit, due to us de-franchising, and becoming our own center. We're Sedona now, instead of Sona. All sorts of changes taking place due to that, and we're in the growing pains stage. Which is fine, it just adds one more thing to my plate. The new charge nurse kicks sooooooo much ass. If it couldn't be me, I'm glad it's her. ;) Honestly, I've been so burnt out lately that I've been a slacker, and I've lost my enthusiasm for a charge nurse position, anyway.

Ummmm.... That's mostly about it. Oh, for those interested, the doctor said my eye thing was allergies, which I'm not entirely sure I believe, but he said he'd treat it like pinkeye, anyway, so it works out the same in the end. I have drops I'm (over)taking religiously, 'cause my eyes still itch. Which isn't encouraging, really, and would tend to point more towards an allergy, even though pinkeye can supposedly last 7-10 days. I'm treating myself as contagious, though, which is a good thing. Working, but being very careful.

I've been really tired again, 'cause of all the schedule changes, and not being able to predict much. I've been unmotivated around the house, and extremely grateful that (mostly) LuneNoire has been picking up the slack. I feel guilty about it, too, of course. But, that's just a matter of me getting off my ass, too. I'm trying to be patient with myself. When I do get fired up to do stuff, I get a lot of shit done. It's frustrating, though, 'cause I know $500 and a trip to Ikea would solve this problem entirely, and the house would be completely set up, and there wouldn't be the clutter. (Yeah, yeah, I know I could get cheaper stuff, but I don't wanna have to settle, and just go back and spend the money AGAIN on the stuff I really wanted in the first place. I'd rather do without till I can get what I want. Which is why we still don't have a couch.)

Anyway, that's the update on my life. Things really are moving, and going along, but I'm very impatient.

I'm talking to my ex-husband on the phone a lot - not just phone sex. Logistically, we can't do that as often as either of us would like. But it's been good to catch up, to hear about his life. Plus, he's telling me about this chick he's seeing, and I'm really glad to hear how well that seems to be going.

Overall, life is good. :)

Comments

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I had intended for you to keep it to cover next year, but I might want it for this Wednesday... Hmmmm.... could I pick it up that morning, if, after talking it over with blckwngdorcl, we want it?

[blyssmouse.livejournal.com]

Either way you want is fine with me. I'll be here Wednesday morning, or if not call my cell - I won't be far from home.