More Codependency Stuff...
Apr. 10th, 2006 05:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsThe more I learn about codependency, the more I realize I've done it for as long as I can remember in serious relationships. This is mostly self-indulgent, I suppose, but it might also help me figure stuff out as I type. (I'm using real names instead of LJ names in the cut tags, 'cause I haven't had much success mixing the two.)
I think the best example of this while we were dating is a quote from a written dialogue he had with a friend at the time. I don't think he'll mind me quoting it here. During a conversation when he outed himself for the first time to a mutual friend, Calvin, and Calvin made reference to me,
Logomancer replied "....she does little more than follow me around." When I read that line, years later, I had to admit it was true, although I still didn't realize just HOW true it was. We pretty much did what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. That's NOT to say that he was an ogre about it. If I expressed a desire, I don't remember it. If I made any independent decisions, I don't remember those, either. I chose that. He never forced it on me. I just fell, very easily, into the role of his shadow. It wasn't discussed, or planned, or manipulated. I liked being there, and that's where I stayed.
I think the thing most indicative of my codependence back then was my reaction to his mood swings, which were just starting back then (as far as I could tell). When he was upset in any way, I wouldn't allow myself to be happy. I somehow felt like I had to honor his sadness, his anger, his frustration, with sombre support on my end. I remember that clearly. Again, strictly an internal thing, not asked of me in any way.
Later, when he came out to me, and I moved away, our relationship changed over time to one of snail mail correspondences and roughly yearly visits. I mostly visited him, and it only made sense for him to pick what we did. I mean, because of my shadowing him back in the day, his interests were mostly mine, as far as I knew. My desire to mold myself into someone he'd be interested in made us pretty compatible. We had genuine fun together. I say all this with 20/20 (I hope) hindsight. The relationship I'm describing may have been dysfunctional to outsiders, but we (as far as I knew) were blissfully happy when we were together. This went on for many years.
When I moved to Atlanta, I think he had changed so much that he could no longer be the person I was dependant on. I needed him to be needy, and specifically, to need me, so I could feel... ummm... needed. Useful. Worth something. I didn't feel my companionship was enough. I wanted to be in person the person I had been to him in the mail, on the phone, over the internet. I wanted to be his confidante, his not-quite-but-almost lover, the daughter-in-law his parents would never have. He, on the other hand, no longer needed that. Likely, he would have been happy with my companionship, but I felt unworthy, and he, no doubt, felt pressured. To this day, I think of his severing of our friendship as him "breaking up" with me. There have been some attempts at reconciliation on both our ends, but as it stands now, I'm not sure things will change from what they are. This still makes me very sad, although I'm no longer 100% sure what I'm sad about.
Interestingly enough, Leo was probably my least co-dependent relationship. I look at the reality of our relationship, and there wasn't a whole lot of codependence going on. But in my head, there was plenty. I didn't support him financially. We made about the same amount of money. I didn't take care of the house. I was prone to fits of what were probably depression mixed with some OCD, where I just couldn't deal with the house, and he did most of the cleaning. On one hand, I was grateful for this, on the other, he didn't clean to my standards, so it was frustrating, too. And I'd feel guilty that he'd had to do it, to try to make me feel better, guilty for not being grateful enough, and so on. But, in my head, even though we were roughly equal with things, and where we weren't, it was usually him doing more than me, I felt the responsibility for everything. The reality of the situation was irrelevant to me. I felt like the burden was on me. In the same way I did with Rob, I catered my moods to his, built my hobbies, pasttimes, joys and sorrows, around what he liked. There was a slight difference in Leo compared toLogomancer, as far as that goes. While he didn't discourage me from doing things outside our usual, things he didn't like were regarded with derision. I took that very personally, and had trouble expanding my repertoire. One of the reasons for the divorce, I think now, was my inability to fix him. I had no purpose if I couldn't do that.
I was hugely codependent with Fig. Partially because our relationship was so hidden, so very friends-with-benefits, so very NOT a relationship, much as I wanted it to be. I liken it to one of the relationships in The Joy Luck Club, where this guy falls in love with this spirited, independent woman, who, once she gets in the relationship, becomes his shadow, with no more life of her own. My moods were less catered to his, and as time went on, I found some of my own interests, and did some of my own things, but I was, I think, even more codependent in this relationship. Somehow, in my head, everything in that relationship centered on sex. Never mind that "sex" meant me giving him blowjobs - it still was a huge focus in my life. In general, I wouldn't leave the house, because he might want me around to give him head. There might be some opportunity for sex that I would miss if I wasn't immediately available. Yes, I was codependent in other ways, mostly taking care of all the bills and the housework, and those are major ways, to be sure. But I think it was the sex that really took precedence in my head. I think I had a hidden hope that, if I could just make myself into what he wanted me to be, just do one more thing for him, that he would fall madly in love with me and we would live happily ever after.
I think it's pretty clear to people how I was codependent with my current husband. Same thing with the money/house situation, for the most part, even though he did the house thing later. I tried a little less to be the person I thought he wanted me to be. I certainly had my own interests by then, or at least was trying to discover them. But, after I settled in, I focused my attention on him. Looking back, I see that I was unwilling to leave the house, in very similar ways to me not wanting to leave the house with Fig. I *wanted* him to depend on me, to prove I had some worth.
I think the main themes here are loss of self. All of my own volition, sometimes in direct violation of someone begging me to go find myself (Fig). I feel like my companionship isn't enough, that I can't just BE. I need to be doing something for someone, or else I have no worth, no purpose in a relationship. Which, I suppose, is the revelation of typing this out. It doesn't occur to me that just BEING is enough. It still kinda boggles my mind.
(This post didn't turn out to be as detailed as I expected, but hopefully got the point across. I think the other post wore me out for that. I'm likely going to hold off on the other post I have in mind. I think I'm wiped out for the day. Thanks for "listening".)
I think the best example of this while we were dating is a quote from a written dialogue he had with a friend at the time. I don't think he'll mind me quoting it here. During a conversation when he outed himself for the first time to a mutual friend, Calvin, and Calvin made reference to me,
Logomancer replied "....she does little more than follow me around." When I read that line, years later, I had to admit it was true, although I still didn't realize just HOW true it was. We pretty much did what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. That's NOT to say that he was an ogre about it. If I expressed a desire, I don't remember it. If I made any independent decisions, I don't remember those, either. I chose that. He never forced it on me. I just fell, very easily, into the role of his shadow. It wasn't discussed, or planned, or manipulated. I liked being there, and that's where I stayed. I think the thing most indicative of my codependence back then was my reaction to his mood swings, which were just starting back then (as far as I could tell). When he was upset in any way, I wouldn't allow myself to be happy. I somehow felt like I had to honor his sadness, his anger, his frustration, with sombre support on my end. I remember that clearly. Again, strictly an internal thing, not asked of me in any way.
Later, when he came out to me, and I moved away, our relationship changed over time to one of snail mail correspondences and roughly yearly visits. I mostly visited him, and it only made sense for him to pick what we did. I mean, because of my shadowing him back in the day, his interests were mostly mine, as far as I knew. My desire to mold myself into someone he'd be interested in made us pretty compatible. We had genuine fun together. I say all this with 20/20 (I hope) hindsight. The relationship I'm describing may have been dysfunctional to outsiders, but we (as far as I knew) were blissfully happy when we were together. This went on for many years.
When I moved to Atlanta, I think he had changed so much that he could no longer be the person I was dependant on. I needed him to be needy, and specifically, to need me, so I could feel... ummm... needed. Useful. Worth something. I didn't feel my companionship was enough. I wanted to be in person the person I had been to him in the mail, on the phone, over the internet. I wanted to be his confidante, his not-quite-but-almost lover, the daughter-in-law his parents would never have. He, on the other hand, no longer needed that. Likely, he would have been happy with my companionship, but I felt unworthy, and he, no doubt, felt pressured. To this day, I think of his severing of our friendship as him "breaking up" with me. There have been some attempts at reconciliation on both our ends, but as it stands now, I'm not sure things will change from what they are. This still makes me very sad, although I'm no longer 100% sure what I'm sad about.
Interestingly enough, Leo was probably my least co-dependent relationship. I look at the reality of our relationship, and there wasn't a whole lot of codependence going on. But in my head, there was plenty. I didn't support him financially. We made about the same amount of money. I didn't take care of the house. I was prone to fits of what were probably depression mixed with some OCD, where I just couldn't deal with the house, and he did most of the cleaning. On one hand, I was grateful for this, on the other, he didn't clean to my standards, so it was frustrating, too. And I'd feel guilty that he'd had to do it, to try to make me feel better, guilty for not being grateful enough, and so on. But, in my head, even though we were roughly equal with things, and where we weren't, it was usually him doing more than me, I felt the responsibility for everything. The reality of the situation was irrelevant to me. I felt like the burden was on me. In the same way I did with Rob, I catered my moods to his, built my hobbies, pasttimes, joys and sorrows, around what he liked. There was a slight difference in Leo compared to
Logomancer, as far as that goes. While he didn't discourage me from doing things outside our usual, things he didn't like were regarded with derision. I took that very personally, and had trouble expanding my repertoire. One of the reasons for the divorce, I think now, was my inability to fix him. I had no purpose if I couldn't do that.I was hugely codependent with Fig. Partially because our relationship was so hidden, so very friends-with-benefits, so very NOT a relationship, much as I wanted it to be. I liken it to one of the relationships in The Joy Luck Club, where this guy falls in love with this spirited, independent woman, who, once she gets in the relationship, becomes his shadow, with no more life of her own. My moods were less catered to his, and as time went on, I found some of my own interests, and did some of my own things, but I was, I think, even more codependent in this relationship. Somehow, in my head, everything in that relationship centered on sex. Never mind that "sex" meant me giving him blowjobs - it still was a huge focus in my life. In general, I wouldn't leave the house, because he might want me around to give him head. There might be some opportunity for sex that I would miss if I wasn't immediately available. Yes, I was codependent in other ways, mostly taking care of all the bills and the housework, and those are major ways, to be sure. But I think it was the sex that really took precedence in my head. I think I had a hidden hope that, if I could just make myself into what he wanted me to be, just do one more thing for him, that he would fall madly in love with me and we would live happily ever after.
I think it's pretty clear to people how I was codependent with my current husband. Same thing with the money/house situation, for the most part, even though he did the house thing later. I tried a little less to be the person I thought he wanted me to be. I certainly had my own interests by then, or at least was trying to discover them. But, after I settled in, I focused my attention on him. Looking back, I see that I was unwilling to leave the house, in very similar ways to me not wanting to leave the house with Fig. I *wanted* him to depend on me, to prove I had some worth.
I think the main themes here are loss of self. All of my own volition, sometimes in direct violation of someone begging me to go find myself (Fig). I feel like my companionship isn't enough, that I can't just BE. I need to be doing something for someone, or else I have no worth, no purpose in a relationship. Which, I suppose, is the revelation of typing this out. It doesn't occur to me that just BEING is enough. It still kinda boggles my mind.
(This post didn't turn out to be as detailed as I expected, but hopefully got the point across. I think the other post wore me out for that. I'm likely going to hold off on the other post I have in mind. I think I'm wiped out for the day. Thanks for "listening".)
