Current Sitch
Feb. 22nd, 2006 10:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsOK, so, status check. I'm writing this here partially as exactly what I said it was/is, which is an update for those of you who are following the drama of my life. (My condolences.)
I also write it partially 'cause I like to drag things out ad nauseum, in ways they probably don't even need to be dragged out, but it makes me feel better to do so. This may be a compulsion on my part, with the desired outcome being that, if I can just explain myself enough, people will really GET what I'm saying, and then maybe they'll be enough in my head that they won't think I'm a horrible person. ...Of course, the other side of that coin could just as easily be, if I justify my actions enough, maybe people will buy into my own dysfunction and denial, and not call me on my bullshit while I stick my fingers in my ears and go "lalalalala".
Ummm... Yeah.
Well, be that as it may, it's my journal, and my (potential/probable) dysfunction, so humor me. Or, y'know, skip this entry. I'll even put it behind a cut tag, if you like.
So, in spite of the comments here (and FWA's advice), I *am* focusing a lot on what people think. At this point, anything to do with my relationship, I'm second guessing, and judging it through other people's filters. To some degree, I think this is actually a good and healthy thing to do, since my filters haven't been working all that well. But, doing so is putting me into such a spin that it's mentally almost paralyzing. Kinda like I mentioned when
BlckwngdOrcl and I went out for coffee late night on Valentine's Day. I examined that over and over in my head before we did it. Ditto for going out to dinner on Saturday. I examine, and re-examine, and guess, and second guess, every little motivation in my head, before taking any action that involves BlckwngdOrcl, especially if it involves my money. I dig deep into my own psyche, and see what I find there, then I play devil's advocate to myself, often using the voices of those who've commented on this situation, here or in person, playing their part in the conversation as accurately as I can, and weighing their (imagined) arguments in my head, etc..
Pretty much, I feel OK with the decisions I've made, even after that scrutiny. But I can't prove it. And I feel like ANY thing I do where I finance it, regardless of how co-dependent I'm feeling when I make that decision, will be viewed with harsh criticism by others. And I can't tell if that's fair or not. I can't justify my actions. I can only say they feel right to me at the time. But I'm so scared of others' judgement. In general, sure, but specifically in this area now. And, no matter how OK the decisions I make feel, I wonder... am I still in denial? Am I so good at fooling myself that I've completely lost the ability to tap into my Higher Self, to make decisions from that place? How would I know if I had lost that ability? The only way I know to tell if I'm coming from that place is to feel it, which is pretty subjective. The objective criteria, if it could even be called that, would be to determine if I'm making a decision based on love versus fear. But, love for whom? Myself, obviously, should be the answer, although I don't think compassion for others is uncalled for in the great majority of situations. And how do I know if my feelings of "love", and acting out of said love are real or not? How to tell if I'm fooling myself? 'Cause, y'know, it's entirely possible I don't have a clue.
So, I'm in a constant state of self-doubt when it comes to my relationship with my husband.
So, because humans have funny ways of dealing with having to face their own demons, and more importantly, trying to figure out what they are and how they manifest... and since I'm no exception to that category... I've come up with the following dysfunctional way of dealing with it:
(Note: This actually applies to my Core class moreso than it does to anyone who has responded to my LJ posts of late. They were the ones that sliced open the wound which is slowly seeping out poison, so the associations I have with this perceived trauma are almost exclusively to them, rather than anyone else. Weird, huh?)
I am terrified of being around anyone who sees my co-dependency. I am convinced that everything I say, everything I do, will be seen in the worst possible light. That it will be seen as a manipulation, a form of denial, or just plain clueless. And that they'll hate me for it. (Keep in mind that I'm already convinced of that hatred.) Intellectually... sure, I know that's bullshit. But I don't BELIEVE it. My Negative Belief about all this is that if people see my dysfunction, then they'll think I'm a bad person. If they think I'm a bad person, they won't like me. If they don't like me, they'll go away. If they go away, I'll be all alone. If I'm all alone, then I'll die. Classic Core orality. *gags self* Keep in mind that I DESPISE my oral defense structure; also keep in mind that most of the dynamics of codependence are part of the oral defense structure. So, lots of self-loathing going on. And lots of assumption that others are loathing me now, too. I mean, I can't blame them, right? I'm right there with 'em.
My dysfunctional solution to my dysfunctional problem is to become defensive, 'cause I'm scared. This makes me nervous to the point of frantic, irritable, and otherwise just freaked out, and probably not too pleasant to be around. Going to my Core process group this past Saturday was excruciating for me. There wasn't time to bring up the situation without it turning into a long interaction; normally, I don't think I'd shy from this (but who knows?), but this particular Saturday, I had to get to the bank after the group (got there with 10 minutes to spare!), so I didn't want to open up that can of worms. And yeah, I was way scared to do so, anyway.
Now, keep in mind that I haven't been to therapy since September, because I was running up a bigger and bigger tab with my therapist, who also teaches the Core classes. With classes, groups, and therapy, I was getting way behind, and digging myself deeper all the time. I didn't want to keep doing that, so I opted out of therapy until I could catch up. Of course, this was the same month I cut back on my hours at Sona, dropped one of my clients, and my other client went into the hospital. So, my income went down by $1000/month, and stayed that way for several months. It's just the past two months things have gotten somewhat better. But, anyway, I'd get in that environment, where I'd been able to let go of my feelings in the past, and just find myself in the headspace to do so (to whatever degree I was ready for at the time). Unfortunately, this ended up taking up a lot of class time, for things I should have been working on in therapy, right? I mean, it's not the rest of the class's fault that I haven't been in therapy for 6 months, y'know?
So, anyway, I didn't bring it up. It would have taken too long. I know some people in the class were frustrated at this, which, in my mind, illustrated my point. I wasn't trying to string anyone along on some line of drama, and I was afraid that it would be seen as that, be seen as a manipulation. I'm pretty sure it was. I did talk to Pam (aforementioned therapist) about the issue on the phone the next day (she called). I was much relieved to hear her say that it was, in fact, probably better not to have brought the subject up at that time. She did say, however, that I had the tendency to get way too wordy about issues, and that I should email the highly condensed version to the class for discussion on our egroup. This entry, in fact, is mostly my attempt to appease my desire for wordiness, before I email the condensed version. Plus, anyone who feels like it can read this longer version. (*rolls eyes at self*)
But, anyway, that's the long version. The short version is that I don't trust myself to know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore, and I don't trust anyone else to not think I'm pondscum because of it.
(By the way, I'm not screening comments, 'cause I rarely do, but I'm not particularly up for the type of comments that blow sunshine up my ass. This isn't a plea for reassurances. I'm just saying where I'm at. Thanks.)
I also write it partially 'cause I like to drag things out ad nauseum, in ways they probably don't even need to be dragged out, but it makes me feel better to do so. This may be a compulsion on my part, with the desired outcome being that, if I can just explain myself enough, people will really GET what I'm saying, and then maybe they'll be enough in my head that they won't think I'm a horrible person. ...Of course, the other side of that coin could just as easily be, if I justify my actions enough, maybe people will buy into my own dysfunction and denial, and not call me on my bullshit while I stick my fingers in my ears and go "lalalalala".
Ummm... Yeah.
Well, be that as it may, it's my journal, and my (potential/probable) dysfunction, so humor me. Or, y'know, skip this entry. I'll even put it behind a cut tag, if you like.
So, in spite of the comments here (and FWA's advice), I *am* focusing a lot on what people think. At this point, anything to do with my relationship, I'm second guessing, and judging it through other people's filters. To some degree, I think this is actually a good and healthy thing to do, since my filters haven't been working all that well. But, doing so is putting me into such a spin that it's mentally almost paralyzing. Kinda like I mentioned when
BlckwngdOrcl and I went out for coffee late night on Valentine's Day. I examined that over and over in my head before we did it. Ditto for going out to dinner on Saturday. I examine, and re-examine, and guess, and second guess, every little motivation in my head, before taking any action that involves BlckwngdOrcl, especially if it involves my money. I dig deep into my own psyche, and see what I find there, then I play devil's advocate to myself, often using the voices of those who've commented on this situation, here or in person, playing their part in the conversation as accurately as I can, and weighing their (imagined) arguments in my head, etc..Pretty much, I feel OK with the decisions I've made, even after that scrutiny. But I can't prove it. And I feel like ANY thing I do where I finance it, regardless of how co-dependent I'm feeling when I make that decision, will be viewed with harsh criticism by others. And I can't tell if that's fair or not. I can't justify my actions. I can only say they feel right to me at the time. But I'm so scared of others' judgement. In general, sure, but specifically in this area now. And, no matter how OK the decisions I make feel, I wonder... am I still in denial? Am I so good at fooling myself that I've completely lost the ability to tap into my Higher Self, to make decisions from that place? How would I know if I had lost that ability? The only way I know to tell if I'm coming from that place is to feel it, which is pretty subjective. The objective criteria, if it could even be called that, would be to determine if I'm making a decision based on love versus fear. But, love for whom? Myself, obviously, should be the answer, although I don't think compassion for others is uncalled for in the great majority of situations. And how do I know if my feelings of "love", and acting out of said love are real or not? How to tell if I'm fooling myself? 'Cause, y'know, it's entirely possible I don't have a clue.
So, I'm in a constant state of self-doubt when it comes to my relationship with my husband.
So, because humans have funny ways of dealing with having to face their own demons, and more importantly, trying to figure out what they are and how they manifest... and since I'm no exception to that category... I've come up with the following dysfunctional way of dealing with it:
(Note: This actually applies to my Core class moreso than it does to anyone who has responded to my LJ posts of late. They were the ones that sliced open the wound which is slowly seeping out poison, so the associations I have with this perceived trauma are almost exclusively to them, rather than anyone else. Weird, huh?)
I am terrified of being around anyone who sees my co-dependency. I am convinced that everything I say, everything I do, will be seen in the worst possible light. That it will be seen as a manipulation, a form of denial, or just plain clueless. And that they'll hate me for it. (Keep in mind that I'm already convinced of that hatred.) Intellectually... sure, I know that's bullshit. But I don't BELIEVE it. My Negative Belief about all this is that if people see my dysfunction, then they'll think I'm a bad person. If they think I'm a bad person, they won't like me. If they don't like me, they'll go away. If they go away, I'll be all alone. If I'm all alone, then I'll die. Classic Core orality. *gags self* Keep in mind that I DESPISE my oral defense structure; also keep in mind that most of the dynamics of codependence are part of the oral defense structure. So, lots of self-loathing going on. And lots of assumption that others are loathing me now, too. I mean, I can't blame them, right? I'm right there with 'em.
My dysfunctional solution to my dysfunctional problem is to become defensive, 'cause I'm scared. This makes me nervous to the point of frantic, irritable, and otherwise just freaked out, and probably not too pleasant to be around. Going to my Core process group this past Saturday was excruciating for me. There wasn't time to bring up the situation without it turning into a long interaction; normally, I don't think I'd shy from this (but who knows?), but this particular Saturday, I had to get to the bank after the group (got there with 10 minutes to spare!), so I didn't want to open up that can of worms. And yeah, I was way scared to do so, anyway.
Now, keep in mind that I haven't been to therapy since September, because I was running up a bigger and bigger tab with my therapist, who also teaches the Core classes. With classes, groups, and therapy, I was getting way behind, and digging myself deeper all the time. I didn't want to keep doing that, so I opted out of therapy until I could catch up. Of course, this was the same month I cut back on my hours at Sona, dropped one of my clients, and my other client went into the hospital. So, my income went down by $1000/month, and stayed that way for several months. It's just the past two months things have gotten somewhat better. But, anyway, I'd get in that environment, where I'd been able to let go of my feelings in the past, and just find myself in the headspace to do so (to whatever degree I was ready for at the time). Unfortunately, this ended up taking up a lot of class time, for things I should have been working on in therapy, right? I mean, it's not the rest of the class's fault that I haven't been in therapy for 6 months, y'know?
So, anyway, I didn't bring it up. It would have taken too long. I know some people in the class were frustrated at this, which, in my mind, illustrated my point. I wasn't trying to string anyone along on some line of drama, and I was afraid that it would be seen as that, be seen as a manipulation. I'm pretty sure it was. I did talk to Pam (aforementioned therapist) about the issue on the phone the next day (she called). I was much relieved to hear her say that it was, in fact, probably better not to have brought the subject up at that time. She did say, however, that I had the tendency to get way too wordy about issues, and that I should email the highly condensed version to the class for discussion on our egroup. This entry, in fact, is mostly my attempt to appease my desire for wordiness, before I email the condensed version. Plus, anyone who feels like it can read this longer version. (*rolls eyes at self*)
But, anyway, that's the long version. The short version is that I don't trust myself to know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore, and I don't trust anyone else to not think I'm pondscum because of it.
(By the way, I'm not screening comments, 'cause I rarely do, but I'm not particularly up for the type of comments that blow sunshine up my ass. This isn't a plea for reassurances. I'm just saying where I'm at. Thanks.)
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-23 04:51 am (UTC)With that said, I wouldn't worry too much about people's judgment/hatred of you, unless you just want to. For there are far worse situations out there, believe me.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-23 06:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 09:34 pm (UTC)Here comes the sun...
Date: 2006-02-23 12:36 pm (UTC)All the thoughts in the world won't change what you are. The people who love you won't judge you. The rest don't matter.
*hugs*
Re: Here comes the sun...
Date: 2006-03-02 09:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-23 02:26 pm (UTC)Even if all of us here in this forum KNOW that other people's opinion should affect one's self-esteem only so far, the naked fact is that you *do* care what your LJ friends are expressing, as evidenced by this post, and letting them comment is another step in breaking down the isolation that might have contributed to any dysfunctions you mentioned. Congratulations.
Hugs to you.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 09:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-23 08:27 pm (UTC)Lucy
no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 09:35 pm (UTC)