Valentine's Day (or the Day After)
Feb. 18th, 2006 08:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsOK... so I promised a post on the day I took for myself. I can't really say I'm totally in the headspace to make the post, but I want to try, anyway, while it's fresh(er) in my head.
Well,blckwngdorcl and I got up together, and went to the chiropractor, as had been planned two weeks ago. We stopped and got gas (out of necessity) on the way home, and then I dropped him off back at the apartment.
I went to the bank for money, and to handle some bills and such, and then went to Cafe' Sunflower. I hadn't eaten anything prior to that, since we woke up too late to have breakfast at the house, and part of taking my own day meant that I didn't buy food forblckwngdorcl. Plus, he's never really been interested in going to that particular restaurant, so I wanted to take advantage of having full say in where I ate. Plus, y'know, it's healthy.
Slight backtrack to the above. I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet, and I really want to, and I had meant to see it that day, so I had gone to the nearest theatre (LaFont Sandy Springs) to try to catch an early time, but I was half an hour too late. And the next showing would have fucked with my 5:30pm appointment with the P&D psychic. I didn't feel like driving farther, and the other close theatres showing it had similar times. So, I figured I would either see it late that night, or see it another time. THEN I went to Sunflower. (Had I been able to get into the movie, my brunch would have been popcorn.)
OK, so anyway, I ate (ummm... some sort of macrobiotic stir-fry thing, followed by coconut cream cake, which kicked ass), and tried to figure out how to kill time until it was closer to my appointment. I settled for a spa pedicure at a walk-in place, even though my last experience hadn't been as good as I'd liked. (Actually, one of my Sona clients gave me the name of a chick who's supposed to kick ass at it, but she was in Kennesaw, and I hadn't made an appointment. There were lots of things I could have done, but I wanted to stay in the Sandy Springs area.)
My expectations weren't as high this time, and I was trying to just do it for me, this time. She didn't really offer to talk to me much, and I didn't really offer to talk to her much. I just tried to sit back and enjoy it. Which I mostly did, even though I was really nervous when she used that razor-thing on me. I've never had anyone use that before. Plus, even though I saw her put a new blade on it before she used it on me, she studied it before she did, like she was seeing if it was still good, and she put it away with the blade she used on me. The part of me that thinks like a nurse was appalled. Sadly, this is probably legal in the state of Georgia. I've seen a lot of things that would never fly in Illinois not get a second glance here. Anyway, I now have shiny pink toenails to show for this effort. Or her effort. Whatever.
After this, I went to P&D. I wandered a bit, and the psychic took me back early. I'll get back to what she said later.
I wandered a bit, and tried to see if anything struck me. There were a couple of rings that did, one lapis, and one green amber (I didn't even know there was such a thing). I tried both of them on, separately and together. Together, they made me dizzy. Separately, the amber "spoke" to me more. So I got that. It's one of those rings that, depending on the day, is looser than I would like on my pinky, and tighter than I'd like on my ring finger. I keep moving it around. I also got a soapstone statue-y thing of the Chinese zodiac monkey (1968). We'd had them at Harmony, and, true to my usual style, I made sure everyone else in the house had one, but never got around to buying my own. So, I thought I'd remedy that situation.lunenoire, for the record, doesn't have one, but he wasn't at Harmony long enough that I got around to it. And normally, I would have waited to buy my own until I had his. But I specifically didn't do that this time. That was kinda the point of the day, y'know?
There were sooooo many times I had to stop and remind myself that that day was MY day, and no one else's. Just a few of the times I remember: totem coins at the check-out counter - they had raven and skunk, but nothing of mine; cards that reminded me of one person or another. The two that were hardest were not asking P&D if they were hiring, onblckwngdorcl's behalf, and the fact that, a long time ago, I had ordered a little laser-cut thing, with a Taurus symbol on it for him. They're pretty cheap, and I had picked up the Libra and Scorpio ones already, but they never had Taurus in, so I ordered it, and since I had the money for it that day, I got a P&D gift card in that amount to cover it when it came in. No one ever called me to tell me it was in, but there one was, right on the shelf. It was VERY hard for me not to get it, or even ask about the one I'd ordered, in case there was another one being set aside for me. In fact, I started to, and stopped myself. So, um, good for me on that one, but it was hard.
I also got myself a bookmark. I'd been wanting one, anyway. I got one with the quote "One Does Not Discover New Lands Without Losing Sight of the Shore." (--Andre Gioe) I figured that was pretty appropos.
Anyway, by then, I was ready to leave P&D, and decided I was ready to go home. I calledblckwngdorcl, as requested, so he could wrap up whatever he was doing and be able to spend time with me when I got home. That had been the plan. I mean, just 'cause I had decided not to spend money on him that day, I figured I didn't have to completely give up my Valentine's Day with him, right?
On the way, though, I realized I was close to Rex's. (I soooooo wish he had a website. I so totally recommend him, it's not even FUNNY. EVERYONE should go to Rex!!!!!!!!!) There had been some things he had that I'd been wanting to get since I had my colors done, but hadn't gotten around to, so I decided to do that. So, I did, and had to go to the Whole Foods next door so I could buy something and get cash back to actually pay for it. That was a good thing, though, 'cause I was totally starving, and didn't really have a taste for anything at the house, so I bought myself some quick-fix dinner, took the money back, bought my stuff, and then headed home. (The stuff in question was make-up. I don't know why I bothered, since I so rarely wear it. But, I now have a full set of kick-ass makeup, some from Rex, and the rest I got through Sona. Heh... I might even wear it sometime.)
So, then I headed home, for real. I curled up in bed withblckwngdorcl, and told him about my day, and what the psychic said. (I've decided, as I write this, to make that a separate entry.) We spent a long time talking, holding each other, that sort of thing. Much crying and sharing and whatnot. I felt pretty good at the end of it.
At that point, I was wanting to do coffee with him, maybe with a little dessert-like substance. This, of course, would be against what I had planned, since that would involve spending money on him. However, I examined my motivations for this, long and hard, and discussed it with him. In the end, I decided that I didn't feel obligated in any way to take him out. He, for his part, did nothing to make me feel obligated, or guilty about not taking him out. And believe me, I wanted him to give me that out. At the same time, though, I felt good about the idea of taking him out. In examining my thoughts and feelings surrounding the subject, I didn't feel like I was compromising the day to do so. I had accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish that day (movie notwithstanding), and I felt good about it. I wasn't feeling weak about it. I felt like, if I made the decision to go out, it would be from a position of strength, from a feeling of having the choice to do so. I was getting sleepier and sleepier, though, so I decided to just go to sleep.blckwngdorcl was tired, too, so we curled up together to sleep.
Strangely enough, once I made the decision to sleep, I wasn't tired anymore.blckwngdorcl hadn't been as tired as I was to begin with, so he was also restless. So, of course, as I laid there, not being able to sleep, the thought of pecan pie and coffee kept sounding better and better. So, I eventually rolled over and asked if he could sleep. Finding he was in the same boat I was, and finding he still was completely OK with whatever decision I made about what to do next, I decided we should do the Waffle House thing.
So, we did. And I feel OK with that. We had more good conversation, which brought to light many other tangent issues, which I'll have to deal with later. We both agreed it was a good decision to go out, and that some things got discussed that needed to be discussed, that might not otherwise have been.
OK, so, I have to admit, I'm feeling really defensive writing that last part. I'm expecting people to freak out on me, tell me I ruined everything, that I backpedalled, and this just proves how ridiculously codependent I am, and that I haven't grown at all. And I can't prove anyone wrong. I can only say that, I probed myself closely, and probedblckwngdorcl closely, especially the energy around his words, and I still feel, several days later, that it was the right decision. I don't want trying NOT to be codependent to rule my life any more than the codependency itself has. I have a lot of fear about others' reactions to this, though (which is getting worse as I continue to type, and a discussion of that would be an entry unto itself, since it relates to today, which was my Core process group). So, I'm acknowledging that, and can only pray for the best on that. In the end, I can only try to be honest with myself, with others, and act accordingly.
Well,
blckwngdorcl and I got up together, and went to the chiropractor, as had been planned two weeks ago. We stopped and got gas (out of necessity) on the way home, and then I dropped him off back at the apartment. I went to the bank for money, and to handle some bills and such, and then went to Cafe' Sunflower. I hadn't eaten anything prior to that, since we woke up too late to have breakfast at the house, and part of taking my own day meant that I didn't buy food for
blckwngdorcl. Plus, he's never really been interested in going to that particular restaurant, so I wanted to take advantage of having full say in where I ate. Plus, y'know, it's healthy.Slight backtrack to the above. I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet, and I really want to, and I had meant to see it that day, so I had gone to the nearest theatre (LaFont Sandy Springs) to try to catch an early time, but I was half an hour too late. And the next showing would have fucked with my 5:30pm appointment with the P&D psychic. I didn't feel like driving farther, and the other close theatres showing it had similar times. So, I figured I would either see it late that night, or see it another time. THEN I went to Sunflower. (Had I been able to get into the movie, my brunch would have been popcorn.)
OK, so anyway, I ate (ummm... some sort of macrobiotic stir-fry thing, followed by coconut cream cake, which kicked ass), and tried to figure out how to kill time until it was closer to my appointment. I settled for a spa pedicure at a walk-in place, even though my last experience hadn't been as good as I'd liked. (Actually, one of my Sona clients gave me the name of a chick who's supposed to kick ass at it, but she was in Kennesaw, and I hadn't made an appointment. There were lots of things I could have done, but I wanted to stay in the Sandy Springs area.)
My expectations weren't as high this time, and I was trying to just do it for me, this time. She didn't really offer to talk to me much, and I didn't really offer to talk to her much. I just tried to sit back and enjoy it. Which I mostly did, even though I was really nervous when she used that razor-thing on me. I've never had anyone use that before. Plus, even though I saw her put a new blade on it before she used it on me, she studied it before she did, like she was seeing if it was still good, and she put it away with the blade she used on me. The part of me that thinks like a nurse was appalled. Sadly, this is probably legal in the state of Georgia. I've seen a lot of things that would never fly in Illinois not get a second glance here. Anyway, I now have shiny pink toenails to show for this effort. Or her effort. Whatever.
After this, I went to P&D. I wandered a bit, and the psychic took me back early. I'll get back to what she said later.
I wandered a bit, and tried to see if anything struck me. There were a couple of rings that did, one lapis, and one green amber (I didn't even know there was such a thing). I tried both of them on, separately and together. Together, they made me dizzy. Separately, the amber "spoke" to me more. So I got that. It's one of those rings that, depending on the day, is looser than I would like on my pinky, and tighter than I'd like on my ring finger. I keep moving it around. I also got a soapstone statue-y thing of the Chinese zodiac monkey (1968). We'd had them at Harmony, and, true to my usual style, I made sure everyone else in the house had one, but never got around to buying my own. So, I thought I'd remedy that situation.
lunenoire, for the record, doesn't have one, but he wasn't at Harmony long enough that I got around to it. And normally, I would have waited to buy my own until I had his. But I specifically didn't do that this time. That was kinda the point of the day, y'know?There were sooooo many times I had to stop and remind myself that that day was MY day, and no one else's. Just a few of the times I remember: totem coins at the check-out counter - they had raven and skunk, but nothing of mine; cards that reminded me of one person or another. The two that were hardest were not asking P&D if they were hiring, on
blckwngdorcl's behalf, and the fact that, a long time ago, I had ordered a little laser-cut thing, with a Taurus symbol on it for him. They're pretty cheap, and I had picked up the Libra and Scorpio ones already, but they never had Taurus in, so I ordered it, and since I had the money for it that day, I got a P&D gift card in that amount to cover it when it came in. No one ever called me to tell me it was in, but there one was, right on the shelf. It was VERY hard for me not to get it, or even ask about the one I'd ordered, in case there was another one being set aside for me. In fact, I started to, and stopped myself. So, um, good for me on that one, but it was hard.I also got myself a bookmark. I'd been wanting one, anyway. I got one with the quote "One Does Not Discover New Lands Without Losing Sight of the Shore." (--Andre Gioe) I figured that was pretty appropos.
Anyway, by then, I was ready to leave P&D, and decided I was ready to go home. I called
blckwngdorcl, as requested, so he could wrap up whatever he was doing and be able to spend time with me when I got home. That had been the plan. I mean, just 'cause I had decided not to spend money on him that day, I figured I didn't have to completely give up my Valentine's Day with him, right?On the way, though, I realized I was close to Rex's. (I soooooo wish he had a website. I so totally recommend him, it's not even FUNNY. EVERYONE should go to Rex!!!!!!!!!) There had been some things he had that I'd been wanting to get since I had my colors done, but hadn't gotten around to, so I decided to do that. So, I did, and had to go to the Whole Foods next door so I could buy something and get cash back to actually pay for it. That was a good thing, though, 'cause I was totally starving, and didn't really have a taste for anything at the house, so I bought myself some quick-fix dinner, took the money back, bought my stuff, and then headed home. (The stuff in question was make-up. I don't know why I bothered, since I so rarely wear it. But, I now have a full set of kick-ass makeup, some from Rex, and the rest I got through Sona. Heh... I might even wear it sometime.)
So, then I headed home, for real. I curled up in bed with
blckwngdorcl, and told him about my day, and what the psychic said. (I've decided, as I write this, to make that a separate entry.) We spent a long time talking, holding each other, that sort of thing. Much crying and sharing and whatnot. I felt pretty good at the end of it. At that point, I was wanting to do coffee with him, maybe with a little dessert-like substance. This, of course, would be against what I had planned, since that would involve spending money on him. However, I examined my motivations for this, long and hard, and discussed it with him. In the end, I decided that I didn't feel obligated in any way to take him out. He, for his part, did nothing to make me feel obligated, or guilty about not taking him out. And believe me, I wanted him to give me that out. At the same time, though, I felt good about the idea of taking him out. In examining my thoughts and feelings surrounding the subject, I didn't feel like I was compromising the day to do so. I had accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish that day (movie notwithstanding), and I felt good about it. I wasn't feeling weak about it. I felt like, if I made the decision to go out, it would be from a position of strength, from a feeling of having the choice to do so. I was getting sleepier and sleepier, though, so I decided to just go to sleep.
blckwngdorcl was tired, too, so we curled up together to sleep.Strangely enough, once I made the decision to sleep, I wasn't tired anymore.
blckwngdorcl hadn't been as tired as I was to begin with, so he was also restless. So, of course, as I laid there, not being able to sleep, the thought of pecan pie and coffee kept sounding better and better. So, I eventually rolled over and asked if he could sleep. Finding he was in the same boat I was, and finding he still was completely OK with whatever decision I made about what to do next, I decided we should do the Waffle House thing.So, we did. And I feel OK with that. We had more good conversation, which brought to light many other tangent issues, which I'll have to deal with later. We both agreed it was a good decision to go out, and that some things got discussed that needed to be discussed, that might not otherwise have been.
OK, so, I have to admit, I'm feeling really defensive writing that last part. I'm expecting people to freak out on me, tell me I ruined everything, that I backpedalled, and this just proves how ridiculously codependent I am, and that I haven't grown at all. And I can't prove anyone wrong. I can only say that, I probed myself closely, and probed
blckwngdorcl closely, especially the energy around his words, and I still feel, several days later, that it was the right decision. I don't want trying NOT to be codependent to rule my life any more than the codependency itself has. I have a lot of fear about others' reactions to this, though (which is getting worse as I continue to type, and a discussion of that would be an entry unto itself, since it relates to today, which was my Core process group). So, I'm acknowledging that, and can only pray for the best on that. In the end, I can only try to be honest with myself, with others, and act accordingly.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-02-19 03:27 am (UTC)be happy!
no subject
Date: 2006-02-20 02:12 am (UTC)2) Heal and get healthier on your own time, to the beat of your own drummer. DO NOT LET THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS MATTER TO YOU SO MUCH!!! Believe me, I've had to make this my mantra, because for many years, I was terrified to share my life with people because of fear of some kind of retribution from them.
3) Take the above statement with a grain of salt and a huge dose of your OWN insight. Because it would be counterproductive otherwise! *grin*
We still have the zodiac soapstone carvings from Harmony. They are arranged in a semi-circle around the quaich on our chessboard table.
What is the whole thing you keep doing in your post before your hubby's LJ tag?
no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 06:33 am (UTC)The thing somehow came from this page where I get those cute little animal icons to go with people's names. I think the code got fucked up for a few days. I just made a comment in
no subject
Date: 2006-02-20 02:30 pm (UTC)two questions.
How did you feel when you were actually in the process of and just after paying the tab at the waffle house? You dont have to actually answer here but I thought it would be something worth examining.
Just to make it clear Im not being judgemental on the part your being deffensive about. Im just being defensive on about my complete lack of judgementaltudenes on the part your feeling defesitacularly about. there that should clear that up ;)
Second what is harmony house? Rehab? Commune? half-way house?
Sounds like a great day all in all. I really like the fact it wasnt quite perfect (missed the movie) and you didnt let the one thing cloud the whole day.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 06:38 am (UTC)"Harmony" is the name of the house we lived in with our former roommates. We name our houses. :) Currently, our household is called "Etherium".
And, OK, I couldn't fathom what "defesitacularly" meant, so I did the dictionary.com thing. There no results, so I took off the "ly", thinking I might have better luck with what appeared to be the root word. Still no luck. However, the site did suggest "testicular" as a viable alternative. I found that highly amusing. ;)
no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 02:13 pm (UTC)Its good to know that your subconcious didnt balk at what you decided.
And the house naming thing, that makes a lot more sense now.
I can only state the obvious.
Date: 2006-02-20 03:35 pm (UTC)We are the only creatures on the planet that can make our own truth in the face of what is. When you clear away everything but the facts, we can still make any rationale we want of the facts. So it follows that what you create for your life situation does not depend on the goodwill or criticism of others unless you make it so.
I think this of *everyone*: I believe you already know what you're doing when you do it. Whether one chooses to openly acknowledge it is strictly according to the personal style of the individual. What one does about it is indicative of their desired self-direction.
I regret your distress. I can only hope that it is a temporary state of mind, and that its passing heralds a positive change, and brings you happiness in its place.
Re: I can only state the obvious.
Date: 2006-02-22 06:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-20 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-20 05:57 pm (UTC)Lucy
no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 06:40 am (UTC)