bookofmirrors | Because I Can't Run From This Forever... (Reply)

"You got some concerned fans out here." - Thus sayeth the

feygirl.

I have fans? I wouldn't have thought so...

Anyway, I'm up, and I'm reluctantly willing to post this now, so I guess I'll get on to it...

OK... so, I'm not sure where to start. Partially 'cause I've waited too long, and that makes it harder to remember exactly what happened. And I do so like being accurate and thorough. So, I'll do the best I can. This is all through my filters, anyway, so "accuracy" is a great goal, at best.

Let's backtrack a little. For the most part, this is in response to

blckwngdorcl's most recent post. But, it almost seems like this post has been over a year in the making, maybe longer. But let me start where it starts for me, this time around.

My most recent Core class was last month. On the first day, we all usually just kinda say where we are with our lives, what's been going on with us lately, etc.. I had lots of things to say, but when I started talking about

blckwngdorcl, and about how he was still looking for a job, they all went ballistic. (Disclaimer - not "all", of course, and "ballistic" is my term, and probably not the least bit accurate - but that's how it felt at the time.) They focused on that, and their reaction was so strong, and so shattering to me that to this day, all the other things I had been planning to mention, which were significant to me, have left my head. I left feeling completely disconstructed. I was devastated, and came home and curled up with

blckwngdorcl in bed, and told him about it, and cried for a very long time on his shoulder. My memory of this whole thing is very vague. I was in a different headspace at the time, and being in a deconstructed space does not lend itself well to making an LJ entry about it. Plus, even now, I find myself loathe to post what I do remember about it, because it incriminates me. I don't want to go into that despair again, don't want to feel like I've been living that much of a lie. But... I suppose I wouldn't be writing this entry if I weren't planning on going there. Hitting the "delete" key is certainly tempting, but not writing all this down is unhealthy for me, and I know this.

OK, so here's what I remember, and take it with as many grains of salt as you like, 'cause, like I said, my memory of it is disjointed, and seeped in emotion which doesn't translate well into a neat chronological accurate representation.

Anyway, I was talking about how

blckwngdorcl had gone into the apprenticeship program at the Grooming School, and how they turned to out to be a bit shady, and he'd left them, and was currently looking for other options to learn pet grooming. They all agreed that the place sounded shady, and that it was a good thing he'd gotten out of it. But somewhere in there, they got upset about his not having had a job this whole time, while I worked myself sick to pay the bills (or mostly pay the bills, with lots of help). Which, yeah, is true. Intellectually, I could agree with everything they were saying, everything that a LOT of people have said over the past couple years where this has been the case. In case any of you don't know, the deal is that

blckwngdorcl left his job at FedEx about the time I started working for Sona, 'cause it was actually a good financial move for us to do so, and it meant that the house stayed clean all the time, 'cause he was put in charge of cleaning it. That worked well for a while, until it became clear that my income didn't really cut it. At that time, I asked him to look for a job, so he could help out financially. At the time, we were living at Harmony, which meant dealing with CCT, or walking. He said CCT sucked, which I'd heard elsewhere, so we agreed it would be limited to somewhere he could walk to. Which, it never seemed, there were any jobs. He looked, I think, but I also think his energy wasn't in it. This pattern has continued just about to present day. Him looking, to no avail, and me working so much I get sick, and have very little joy in life. Yeah, sure, if you looked at it intellectually, he could have found a job of SOME sort, if he really wanted to, and the fact that he didn't - in the clear face of my declining health, and tearful begging on more than one occassion that he find something, anything, so that I could cut back on hours, and even my anger now and again - well, any logical person would say that he was fucking me over, taking advantage of me.

But I didn't believe that. Or, at least, I didn't want to. He was my husband. The man who loved me most in the world. The man who was appalled at my stories of how I took care of Fig financially, of how I used *my* birthday and Christmas money to buy Fig his birthday and Christmas presents, and despised him because of it. Surely, he wouldn't be doing a variation of the same thing. Not him, never him. He wasn't that bad of a person. I had learned my lesson, I hadn't picked the same kind of man twice, I was better than that. No, no, people just didn't understand us, didn't understand him. Besides, until I came along, he'd had a steady job all the time, with less than a month at a time of being unemployed, ever. So, certianly, the problem wasn't his. Oh, well, no, it wasn't mine, either. We just chose this lifestyle, of him being at home, and, oops, silly us, it didn't work for us, and, well, he just hasn't found the right job yet. It'll happen when it's the right time for it to happen, the Universe knows what it's doing, and who are we to question. Besides, if he's going through such a hard time with all this, that's OK. I'm the strong one, and if he needs me to work a little longer while he figures some stuff out, I can do that. I can work forever. No, no, I'm not THAT sick. It'll be over soon, and he'll be the partner he always promised me he would be, and then things will be perfect.

Pathetic, isn't it?

And I actually BELIEVED that shit. There were parts of me, to be sure, that didn't. Parts of me that were scared, and miserable, and knew what was going on, but I wouldn't listen. To this day, I have to fight NOT to believe it. We've had some really good talks, he and I, where we discussed all this, and he promised it would get better. And I believed him. If the stupid Grooming School hadn't been so apparently crooked, he would be well on his way to being a pet groomer now. And yes, early on, his energy was very much of someone who was trying to say the right thing to get me off his back. I knew, deep down, that this was just appeasement, but wanted so much to believe that it really meant something, that it would result in him getting a job, and life being better for both of us. Later, his energy changed, but that's only been in the past few months. Up to that point, it was all appeasement. Now, yeah, I do believe his energy has changed, to the point where he means what he says. In the meantime, though... still no job. So, we're still at square one.

Anyway, at the time of my classes, I was still firmly rooted in all the denial of the above statements. And they totally lit into me about it. They lit into him for being such a dickhead, and into me for letting it happen. In my head, even though they said over and over again that it was NOT my only option, I kept thinking they were telling me that the only way to stand up for myself was to leave him. That that was the only way I could really be strong, really put my foot down, and show him I meant business.

But I didn't want to do that. I love him. I love being his wife. Hell, that's one of the few pleasures I have left in life. Other than the financial stuff, I think we have a great relationship. I have fun with him. I can open up to him, more than I open up to anyone. We share our emotions, ourselves, we've gone through good times and bad. As I said on the bed at class, crying, being married to him is the only thing in my life that I feel like I've really done right. The thought of not having him, having that, throws me into a deep pit of despair. (Actually, also pathetic, if you think about it.)

They said I was codependent.

That's probably the hardest thing I had to hear. And, the part that made this entry so scary to write. I find myself struggling with that concept, even though I've been reading a bit on it, and I do seem to fit that pattern. Oh, hell, who am I kidding? I do fit that pattern. Others, I think, have told me that in the past, and I don't think I've heard it. Hell, interestingly enough,

lunenoire used that exact word in an email to me, before the class, and I literally didn't see it. Not until re-reading it after the fact. I've been hugely in denial about it.

I actually find myself going through the stages of grief about the concept of being codependent. I think I'm currently mostly in the depression stage, but I jump around a lot, which is common. This is SO not the person I want to be. I despise it. I hate myself for it, for being such a wimp, for allowing this to happen to me. Hell, I had this image of myself as strong and competent. Hell, even the things that allowed me to be in such denial about it I considered good qualities. I didn't just look at the surface of things. Sure, if you looked at my relationship with

blckwngdorcl from a mere intellectual standpoint, sure it was all fucked up. But I was above all that. I could see the spirituality of it, the great wonder of the lessons the Universe was trying to teach us, to teach me. We didn't have to be bound by the rest of society's rules, we didn't have to make sense to anyone but us.

(Note: This sounds very much like what

elorie and

fornorald have said in the past. I say this not to point fingers, but because when I (apparently mistakenly) mentioned something to

elorie about them being single and not dating, both she and

fornorald got pissed off at me, to the point where he called me on the phone, and pointed out that, if someone sees something in someone else's relationship, it's likely a reflection of your own. I told him that, while I believed that, I didn't see a correlation at that time. When

lunenoire and I changed the nature of our relationship, I assumed that was the reflection, but it appears that THIS situation was the reflection. Hell, I was even thinking that, even though I didn't SAY it often, I'd felt that way for YEARS about their relationship, and it was only when I got REALLY frustrated about it that I bothered to say something... which, in my mind, sorta negated what he said. But, as I mentioned earlier, it would seem like this post has been years in the making, so... *tips hat to

fornorald* ...you were right.)

Anyway, when I came home from class, and, over the course of a couple of days, told

blckwngdorcl what was said, and how I felt about it, we had more good talks, which included him saying that he'd let me down in the past, and wouldn't do so again.

Somewhere in there, he was looking for a job at PetSmart, 'cause that's where the general consensus of the

atlanta people said to go to learn/have a job in pet grooming. Let me say right now that PetSmart has THE most fucked up hiring process I've ever seen. He and I were both so confident that he was going to get that job, that he didn't look anywhere else, and I didn't care. But, no dice, at least not so far, and it's been too long. So, finally, I asked what he was going to do now. He seemed a little upset, but said he would look elsewhere. And he has. How hard, I'm not sure. Hell, at this point, I no longer trust myself to know, or even judge rightly, how hard or well he's looking for a job.

So, the thing that prompted his post was, after a really good day spent together, we somehow got talking about money. He'd found some money tucked away in his wallet, and was happy to have found it. He ended up spending a great deal of it while we were out, and lamented that, 'cause he so rarely had any money. Somehow this ended up in me getting frustrated, and reminding him that any money he had came from me, so I had every right to have a say in how it was spent. This sorta snowballed into me giving him a reality check on just exactly what had been going on financially in our relationship for the past few years, how he'd not come through, and how he'd done a lot of things he swore he wouldn't do, how he'd become Fig in many ways, after he swore he never would. A lot of things were said. And, somehow, the stars were aligned enough that I think it finally sunk in. At least, his attitude and actions, as well as his post, would seem to indicate that. I can only hope I'm not fooling myself again.

But... let me say this. This isn't an entry to bash

blckwngdorcl. That wouldn't be completely fair. Because I have a lot of culpability in this, too. I told him all this, of course, but it bears repeating here.

I wanted him to fix himself. I wanted him to go out and get a job, do all the right things. Not just because it would help us, help me, help him. But because, for him to do so, would allow me to remain in denial, allow me to not grow. If he went out and got a job, and left me with nothing to be codependent about, then I was automatically cured, right? Or so I wanted to believe. If he fixed himself, then I wouldn't have to take a stand about anything. I wouldn't have to be the bad guy. Him being "cured" of his dependency would automatically "cure" me of my codependency, right?

Yeah, even I'm not that stupid, much as I would like to be.

So, I picked something to take a stand on. Valentine's Day. I won't work on the 15th, plus it's a payday. We were gonna do the chocolate thing and IMAX at Fernbank, and a show at Agatha's, along with whatever else struck our fancy. It was going to be a good day, a day of fun, love, and togetherness. Funded entirely by me. I took a stand on that day, because one of the things I resisted about taking a stand was how it would affect *me*. I didn't want to suffer the consequences of cutting him off financially. That would mean that fun days financed by me were right out. And I didn't want that, in a "this hurts me more than it hurts you" sorta way. So, Valentine's Day seemed the perfect foil for that. Or the perfect example of it, as the case may be. It seems like a small stand to take. Now, the only thing we have scheduled on Valentine's Day (or the 15th) is a chiropractor appointment, made and paid for weeks ago. After that... well, my paycheck is going to be short, 'cause of my "broken" ankle and being sick the other day, and I do have one bill to pay. I've thought about taking a day for myself, a day of self-pampering, although I haven't figured out just what yet. I don't want to do any of that out of spite against

blckwngdorcl. I want to do it because I want to do something nice for myself, because I deserve it.

Of course, right now, I don't feel like I deserve much of anything.

dai_syn and I have a dinner pending, and it always strangely seems to fall around Valentine's Day. We had great fun last year, confusing the poor waiter, who thought we were a couple. I could do that. Hell, it might even be in the budget. Not so sure about that... But that just seems TOO spiteful, under the circumstances.

dv8dgrrl, among others, has expressed a desire for coffee and whatnot. I could do all that on that day. Part of me feels like I'll be in mourning, though. And, doing all that precludes massages and pedicures and whatnot... there are only so many hours in the day, after all. And the floatation tank place won't be open yet, or else I'd for sure go there. I might do P&D. Yeah, P&D for sure.

So... I don't know if any of that made a bit of sense, bit if it was confusing, then you probably have an even more accurate idea of where I'm at in my head. I've felt like shit lately, both physically and mentally. I've been dealing with a new and unpleasant view of myself. I've been wondering if I picked up a copy of the DSM-IV, I'd find myself on the pages of the definition of clinical depression. I've even considered pharmacological intervention, and I don't even believe in that. (Well, I compromised on thoughts of homeopathic antidepressants.) I've wished I didn't owe my therapist so much money, and felt comfortable asking for a session or two, even though I can't pay for it. She'd probably let me, too. But I don't feel like I deserve it. Pretty much, I'm having a hard time feeling like I deserve much of anything right now. Which, y'know, is a bad place to be when you're trying to stand up for yourself, and say that you DO deserve the good stuff, and that, dammit, you're willing to do the hard stuff to get it. (Not the working till I'm sick part... the standing up for myself part.)

Anyway, I'm posting this now, before I lose my nerve.