bookofmirrors | Feb. 3rd, 2009

Sometimes, little dripdripdrips occur, and it's just enough to put past things in a whole new light. I've noticed such revelations tend to occur roughly 5 years after-the-fact for me. I have no idea why that is. So, I've briefly (since I'm at my client's house on his computer, waiting for him to get home, so I can only "safely" go so deep into myself...) re-looked at some things, in light of the tiniest new insight I've been given.

And have decided that I'm an idiot, and have been beyond clueless. I'm totally devastated by this, and have no idea where to go from here.

I need to work this out... get my own shit together about it. Something I've been avoiding for a lot longer than 5 years. 'Cause even the thought of it hurts... even before being able to see how stupid I was. Y'know how they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing? I think that goes double for delving into Core. If you decide to do it, take anyone close to you into therapy with you, until you have a better handle on what's happening to your psyche, and what sorts of stupid, thoughtless shit you'll do in the meantime, armed with a little knowledge, that seems like the world at the time.

Maybe something will shift after that. Maybe not. I'm kinda in the punishing myself phase right now.

*sigh* Did I mention I'm an idiot?