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BlogSpot Entry
Jun. 17th, 2002 10:49 amMonday, June 17, 2002
It's time to start at the top of the page, I think. And, hopefully, adding to the blog this way will do that.
Well, well, well. It's been a long time. And, a lot of things have happened. The thing that's currently sticking out in my mind is what happened last night. Well, technically, two days ago.
(Anyone familiar with Ifa and the Yoruban language, please forgive my butchering of words and spelling, and perhaps the concepts themselves...)
Last night (whatever), I went to a friend's house. Her ye-ye was there. I think ye-ye is a term of endearment and respect, somewhere between Mother/Grandmother and Teacher/Mentor. Anyway, she (Osun Famie) was doing readings for the people there. As a bit of background, in the Ifa religion, there are beings called Orisa. Depending on the source you go to, these are generally referred to as dieties, but in actuality are aspects of God (Oludamare). I like to think of them as archetypes. At any rate, they are worshipped just as surely as Oludomare, and sometimes moreso, as Oludomare doesn't really accept worship and offerings - he just IS.
At any rate, each person has an Orisa that owns their head. (I can't exactly explain that concept...) They choose you, you don't choose them. But, for instance, if the Orisa of leatherworking (if one exists - this is only an example) owns your head, it's a pretty safe bet you've got a penchant for leather. Whether you have it to begin with, and they seek out those qualities and claim you, or they pick people and imbue them with their qualities, I'm not sure. There are also Orisa that own your feet, your hands, your left, your right, etc.. Osum Famie was reading our heads for us, and whatever else came up.
Now, I had expected the Orisa that owned my head to be Yemanja. She's the Orisa of the Ocean, of Motherhood, of Nurturing, as well as the Mother who Fiercely Protects her Children. I expected this for a couple of reasons. One, I have those qualities. I'm big into nurturing (which often, unfortunately, takes the form of enabling), and have always thought that Motherhood was absolutely the most important thing that I, or any other female, could do in life. Two, I had a pentacle that was given to me as a gift. A very talkative piece of jewelry. Almost immediately upon being given it, it began to tell me that a friend of mine (who'd been learning about Ifa) would have something to hang the pentacle on. I just figured it (she) meant that Christa would have a satin cord or something lying around that I could have. Instead, she strings some blue and clear (white) beads, and puts the pentacle on that. I knew enough about Ifa to know that was an eleke, and those were Yemanja's colors. The pentacle seemed very pleased, and I looked up things about Yemanja that night. In addition to finding out about all the nurturing stuff, I also found that one of Yemanja's symbols was the crescent moon and a star (which is what that pentacle looks like). Since the pentacle had apparently chosen me (as was implied by the woman who gave it to me), and had apparently chosen to be hung on Yemanja's eleke... Well, I (and everyone else) just assumed that Yemanja owned my head. I certainly fit the profile.
Well... Let me tell you about the reading I got.
First of all, the reading itself (because it was also, if not mainly, a reading to tell me what I needed to know) came back Obarafun. Apparently, this breaks down into Obara and Ofun. Obara is excessiveness, challenges, conflict, and extremes. Ofun is enemies and spiritual conflict. Sounds horrible, right? Well, every reading can come with Blessings or Challenges. This one came with Blessings (ere). That means that I either have already overcome, or will overcome these challenges. Well, I can certainly relate that I've definitely been in the middle of all those things, and am just starting to emerge from them. What with leaving my coven and starting to take responsibility for my own spirituality, and finding myself sort of remaining where I was, and feeling stagnant - well, like I said, I could relate. So, I will overcome. A plus. Very encouraging.
I was given a warning. It wasn't quite a taboo (Each orisa has a taboo - Yemanja's is eating dog. I think I can handle that.), but seemed like a very strong hint. It said I shouldn't drink or smoke. Normally, I hate being restricted, but, hey, that's pretty good advice, and something I've been considering for a while now. I actually smoke about once in a blue moon, and even then it's usually the clove cigarettes my husband favors. So, no drinking and smoking. I can do that, especially since it didn't appear to be a hard fast rule. I don't drink that much, either.
Anyway, there was something that went with the Obarafun. It said that I had enemies among my friends, and that I needed to weigh the truth. "From the lie was born the truth, and the king does not lie." Osun Famie said that, in this case, it meant that the king IS not lying. I took that to further reinforce the reasons I left SafeHarbor. I need to follow no one's truths but my own. I got the impression that my "enemies" weren't malicious - merely well-meaning people that thought I could benefit from their truth. I certainly think people can benefit from mine, so I can relate to that, too. But I need to find the truth for me. And that's true of everyone. Again, all of that makes perfect sense, because that's exactly what I've been going through over the past month or so.
So, here comes the kicker. She tells me who owns my head and feet. Neither of them are Yemanja. Yemanja apparently doesn't claim any part of me. Perhaps she was walking with me for a time, but no longer. I don't know. That would explain having to put the beads up.
So, who owns my head? Sango. Orisa of thunder and lightning. That explains why I like storms. He also has other qualities. He's the essence of male sexuality. He can talk pretty much anyone into pretty much anything. His essence is strategy. The negative is that is manipulation, which I've also been known to do.
What about my feet? Osun. Orisa of rivers. Always liked those, too. More than oceans, really, which was Yemanja's thing. She's the essence of female sexuality. Again, she can sweet-talk people. There is a story of her persuading Oludomare to listen to prayers, when no one else could get him to do so. She is all things beautiful and feminine. Her essence is joy. I think the negative is arrogance, or vanity, but that's only a guess.
So, basically, every aspect of myself (except the manipulation, which IS Sango, but the negative side) that I've been trying to get rid of, is what my pure essence is! People tell me I'm too sexual, so I try to curb it. I'm SEX from my head to my feet! People tell me I'm too aggressive, too "cute", too manipulative, and entirely too clever for my own good. So, I try to curb that, too. Good on the manipulation side, but now I come to find out that all those things are an intrinsic part of me. And, in my eyes, that means to me that I'm going AGAINST myself to get rid of those things!
The fucking irony...
Now, let me say right here that NONE of this negates the fact that I use sex for attention, for illusion of love, for shock value, for you-name-it. I also use it for pleasure and true love. The fact that I'm just full of sexuality does nothing to change the fact that I have used sex poorly in the past, and sometimes in the present.
Nor does any of this negate the fact that I've played up my charm and ability to talk myself out of things and convince people of things so much that it's become a facade to get my way.
Both are Masks. But, both are also still true. I hinted at this, unknowingly, in my entry on April 8. And, it wasn't until just now, as I was writing about Sango, that I understand the quote. "From the lie was born the truth, and the king does not lie." From my fear, and insecurity (the lie), was born my Mask. A mask of sexuality and charm and manipulation. And that sexuality and charm and smooth-talking (which is the positive of the manipulation, I believe) is the Truth. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Everything I've been trying to get rid of is everything that I am.
Well, again, it boils down to motivation. Osun is joy expressed through sexuality. I've been expressing fear through sexuality. Sango strategizes because he's confident in his own worth, and willing to play his cards to do right by himself. I strategize (manipulate) because I'm afraid of someone seeing how scared I really am. Rob said it very well once. "You can do everything you've always done. Just do it for different reasons." Fool a mage with the truth, indeed.
There's another reason this is really hitting me hard. Osun is all soft sensual femininity. She's strong, because being strong is beautiful. I can live with that. That's the ideal woman to me. The ideal woman I never thought I could be. (She's also known to be the end-all-be-all witch, too.... Hmmmmm......)
Sango, on the other hand, is power. In-your-face, I-KNOW-I'm-strong, I-dare-you-to-deny-it POWER. Rob and others have always told me how powerful I am. I've always been able to write that off as either being a poor perception, or as being a blanket statement about all humans being just as powerful as they want to be. Truly, I'm not sure how he meant it. I remember asking him once, but I don't remember the answer. Maybe I don't want to remember it, because it contradicts my safer conclusions. I have powerful totems, both of whom showed themselves to me - I didn't pick them. The eagle (golden eagle, in my case) is illumination of spirit, healing, and creation. It's also known for power. "To align oneself with eagle medicine is to take on the responsibility and the power of becoming so much more than you now appear to be......To accept the eagle as a totem is to accept a powerful new dimension to life, and a heightened responsibility for your spiritual growth." (Ted Andrews, "Animal Speak: The Spiritual and Magical Powers of Creatures Great and Small") Interestingly enough, it is also associated with thunder and lightning. My other totem is the cougar (mountain lion). Its keynote is coming into your own power. In the meditation I did, I asked it what it could teach me. It said "aggression" (and some other similar things I don't remember). "If a cougar has shown up in your life, it is time to learn about power.... The cougar can teach you how to bring out your power and fil your heeart with it in a manner that will enable you to take charge of your life.... Cougar teaches you how to take charge of your life and your circumstances most effectively." (same book). Again, I was able to write it off when these totems showed up. I figured they were merely showing me some aspects of myself. Ditto for my Scorpio ascendant - another powerful sign. "No sign is more triumphant in the end." ("The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need" - don't know the author off the top of my head)
Power scares the fuck out of me. Power? Me? I'm not supposed to have power! I'm the sweet one, the charming one. The kind of subtle manipulation and genuine charm I use to (damn near always) get what I want and make them happy to give it to me isn't POWER! It's just ...charm! Sex appeal! ANYTHING but POWER! I don't have power! I'm "Stoopid Quib". I don't do anything right. I'm the ditz who, just maybe, looks a bit too much like she just MIGHT have an idea of what's going on, no matter how dumb she plays. But, even then, who can tell???
I know enough about Ifa, though, to know that the Orisa that owns your head is all about your true essence. I've just had all plausible deniability taken from me. To accept Sango, I must admit that I'm powerful. What scares me even more is the little voice inside me that I can hear over all the dampers I've put on it.
It says I'm ready.
--K'La
It's time to start at the top of the page, I think. And, hopefully, adding to the blog this way will do that.
Well, well, well. It's been a long time. And, a lot of things have happened. The thing that's currently sticking out in my mind is what happened last night. Well, technically, two days ago.
(Anyone familiar with Ifa and the Yoruban language, please forgive my butchering of words and spelling, and perhaps the concepts themselves...)
Last night (whatever), I went to a friend's house. Her ye-ye was there. I think ye-ye is a term of endearment and respect, somewhere between Mother/Grandmother and Teacher/Mentor. Anyway, she (Osun Famie) was doing readings for the people there. As a bit of background, in the Ifa religion, there are beings called Orisa. Depending on the source you go to, these are generally referred to as dieties, but in actuality are aspects of God (Oludamare). I like to think of them as archetypes. At any rate, they are worshipped just as surely as Oludomare, and sometimes moreso, as Oludomare doesn't really accept worship and offerings - he just IS.
At any rate, each person has an Orisa that owns their head. (I can't exactly explain that concept...) They choose you, you don't choose them. But, for instance, if the Orisa of leatherworking (if one exists - this is only an example) owns your head, it's a pretty safe bet you've got a penchant for leather. Whether you have it to begin with, and they seek out those qualities and claim you, or they pick people and imbue them with their qualities, I'm not sure. There are also Orisa that own your feet, your hands, your left, your right, etc.. Osum Famie was reading our heads for us, and whatever else came up.
Now, I had expected the Orisa that owned my head to be Yemanja. She's the Orisa of the Ocean, of Motherhood, of Nurturing, as well as the Mother who Fiercely Protects her Children. I expected this for a couple of reasons. One, I have those qualities. I'm big into nurturing (which often, unfortunately, takes the form of enabling), and have always thought that Motherhood was absolutely the most important thing that I, or any other female, could do in life. Two, I had a pentacle that was given to me as a gift. A very talkative piece of jewelry. Almost immediately upon being given it, it began to tell me that a friend of mine (who'd been learning about Ifa) would have something to hang the pentacle on. I just figured it (she) meant that Christa would have a satin cord or something lying around that I could have. Instead, she strings some blue and clear (white) beads, and puts the pentacle on that. I knew enough about Ifa to know that was an eleke, and those were Yemanja's colors. The pentacle seemed very pleased, and I looked up things about Yemanja that night. In addition to finding out about all the nurturing stuff, I also found that one of Yemanja's symbols was the crescent moon and a star (which is what that pentacle looks like). Since the pentacle had apparently chosen me (as was implied by the woman who gave it to me), and had apparently chosen to be hung on Yemanja's eleke... Well, I (and everyone else) just assumed that Yemanja owned my head. I certainly fit the profile.
Well... Let me tell you about the reading I got.
First of all, the reading itself (because it was also, if not mainly, a reading to tell me what I needed to know) came back Obarafun. Apparently, this breaks down into Obara and Ofun. Obara is excessiveness, challenges, conflict, and extremes. Ofun is enemies and spiritual conflict. Sounds horrible, right? Well, every reading can come with Blessings or Challenges. This one came with Blessings (ere). That means that I either have already overcome, or will overcome these challenges. Well, I can certainly relate that I've definitely been in the middle of all those things, and am just starting to emerge from them. What with leaving my coven and starting to take responsibility for my own spirituality, and finding myself sort of remaining where I was, and feeling stagnant - well, like I said, I could relate. So, I will overcome. A plus. Very encouraging.
I was given a warning. It wasn't quite a taboo (Each orisa has a taboo - Yemanja's is eating dog. I think I can handle that.), but seemed like a very strong hint. It said I shouldn't drink or smoke. Normally, I hate being restricted, but, hey, that's pretty good advice, and something I've been considering for a while now. I actually smoke about once in a blue moon, and even then it's usually the clove cigarettes my husband favors. So, no drinking and smoking. I can do that, especially since it didn't appear to be a hard fast rule. I don't drink that much, either.
Anyway, there was something that went with the Obarafun. It said that I had enemies among my friends, and that I needed to weigh the truth. "From the lie was born the truth, and the king does not lie." Osun Famie said that, in this case, it meant that the king IS not lying. I took that to further reinforce the reasons I left SafeHarbor. I need to follow no one's truths but my own. I got the impression that my "enemies" weren't malicious - merely well-meaning people that thought I could benefit from their truth. I certainly think people can benefit from mine, so I can relate to that, too. But I need to find the truth for me. And that's true of everyone. Again, all of that makes perfect sense, because that's exactly what I've been going through over the past month or so.
So, here comes the kicker. She tells me who owns my head and feet. Neither of them are Yemanja. Yemanja apparently doesn't claim any part of me. Perhaps she was walking with me for a time, but no longer. I don't know. That would explain having to put the beads up.
So, who owns my head? Sango. Orisa of thunder and lightning. That explains why I like storms. He also has other qualities. He's the essence of male sexuality. He can talk pretty much anyone into pretty much anything. His essence is strategy. The negative is that is manipulation, which I've also been known to do.
What about my feet? Osun. Orisa of rivers. Always liked those, too. More than oceans, really, which was Yemanja's thing. She's the essence of female sexuality. Again, she can sweet-talk people. There is a story of her persuading Oludomare to listen to prayers, when no one else could get him to do so. She is all things beautiful and feminine. Her essence is joy. I think the negative is arrogance, or vanity, but that's only a guess.
So, basically, every aspect of myself (except the manipulation, which IS Sango, but the negative side) that I've been trying to get rid of, is what my pure essence is! People tell me I'm too sexual, so I try to curb it. I'm SEX from my head to my feet! People tell me I'm too aggressive, too "cute", too manipulative, and entirely too clever for my own good. So, I try to curb that, too. Good on the manipulation side, but now I come to find out that all those things are an intrinsic part of me. And, in my eyes, that means to me that I'm going AGAINST myself to get rid of those things!
The fucking irony...
Now, let me say right here that NONE of this negates the fact that I use sex for attention, for illusion of love, for shock value, for you-name-it. I also use it for pleasure and true love. The fact that I'm just full of sexuality does nothing to change the fact that I have used sex poorly in the past, and sometimes in the present.
Nor does any of this negate the fact that I've played up my charm and ability to talk myself out of things and convince people of things so much that it's become a facade to get my way.
Both are Masks. But, both are also still true. I hinted at this, unknowingly, in my entry on April 8. And, it wasn't until just now, as I was writing about Sango, that I understand the quote. "From the lie was born the truth, and the king does not lie." From my fear, and insecurity (the lie), was born my Mask. A mask of sexuality and charm and manipulation. And that sexuality and charm and smooth-talking (which is the positive of the manipulation, I believe) is the Truth. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Everything I've been trying to get rid of is everything that I am.
Well, again, it boils down to motivation. Osun is joy expressed through sexuality. I've been expressing fear through sexuality. Sango strategizes because he's confident in his own worth, and willing to play his cards to do right by himself. I strategize (manipulate) because I'm afraid of someone seeing how scared I really am. Rob said it very well once. "You can do everything you've always done. Just do it for different reasons." Fool a mage with the truth, indeed.
There's another reason this is really hitting me hard. Osun is all soft sensual femininity. She's strong, because being strong is beautiful. I can live with that. That's the ideal woman to me. The ideal woman I never thought I could be. (She's also known to be the end-all-be-all witch, too.... Hmmmmm......)
Sango, on the other hand, is power. In-your-face, I-KNOW-I'm-strong, I-dare-you-to-deny-it POWER. Rob and others have always told me how powerful I am. I've always been able to write that off as either being a poor perception, or as being a blanket statement about all humans being just as powerful as they want to be. Truly, I'm not sure how he meant it. I remember asking him once, but I don't remember the answer. Maybe I don't want to remember it, because it contradicts my safer conclusions. I have powerful totems, both of whom showed themselves to me - I didn't pick them. The eagle (golden eagle, in my case) is illumination of spirit, healing, and creation. It's also known for power. "To align oneself with eagle medicine is to take on the responsibility and the power of becoming so much more than you now appear to be......To accept the eagle as a totem is to accept a powerful new dimension to life, and a heightened responsibility for your spiritual growth." (Ted Andrews, "Animal Speak: The Spiritual and Magical Powers of Creatures Great and Small") Interestingly enough, it is also associated with thunder and lightning. My other totem is the cougar (mountain lion). Its keynote is coming into your own power. In the meditation I did, I asked it what it could teach me. It said "aggression" (and some other similar things I don't remember). "If a cougar has shown up in your life, it is time to learn about power.... The cougar can teach you how to bring out your power and fil your heeart with it in a manner that will enable you to take charge of your life.... Cougar teaches you how to take charge of your life and your circumstances most effectively." (same book). Again, I was able to write it off when these totems showed up. I figured they were merely showing me some aspects of myself. Ditto for my Scorpio ascendant - another powerful sign. "No sign is more triumphant in the end." ("The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need" - don't know the author off the top of my head)
Power scares the fuck out of me. Power? Me? I'm not supposed to have power! I'm the sweet one, the charming one. The kind of subtle manipulation and genuine charm I use to (damn near always) get what I want and make them happy to give it to me isn't POWER! It's just ...charm! Sex appeal! ANYTHING but POWER! I don't have power! I'm "Stoopid Quib". I don't do anything right. I'm the ditz who, just maybe, looks a bit too much like she just MIGHT have an idea of what's going on, no matter how dumb she plays. But, even then, who can tell???
I know enough about Ifa, though, to know that the Orisa that owns your head is all about your true essence. I've just had all plausible deniability taken from me. To accept Sango, I must admit that I'm powerful. What scares me even more is the little voice inside me that I can hear over all the dampers I've put on it.
It says I'm ready.
--K'La
