Dream Snippets

[bookofmirrors]

I came home from class yesterday (an A&P class, which, of course, I've already had before, but Pam wanted me to take, anyway, since it's A&P from a Core perspective) feeling exhausted. I felt that way all day, in that I-think-I'm-coming-down-with-something way. So, I came home and went straight to bed. Which is kinda fucked up, 'cause that's what I've done pretty much the last three days, which makes me wonder what's up. I've now slept about 12 hours, and still feel ...I don't even know how to describe it. It ain't good, though. I also have class today, but it's only 3 hours, so I can deal with that. I need to do laundry desperately, and that's a pretty low-energy endeavor, so that's my plan for today. I really don't want to be sick, and I really don't want to spend my upcoming days off being a slug.

Anyway, although I remember that there were many fucked up things in my dreams last night, and I fully intended to remember them to post here, I only remember two snippets. In one, towards the end of the night, walkingbear was upset with waterfall_sh, but was looking for meadowhawk. There may have been more to that one, but that's all I remember about it. I know there was one dream involving a kitchen, possibly one of those movie-chase scenes where they're chasing each other through a kitchen, and all the food and utensils are all over the place.

The one I really remember most, and is likely the most significant, was this: I was feeling exactly as I felt yesterday, tired and run down and possibly sick, but I was at Pam's, and she was doing energy work on me. I think I was starting to feel better, but I whined at her, "I don't want to be healed!". Sometime after that, there was a scene with someone with a gun, and a cat around my legs, but I don't remember details of that part.

I think it's pretty significant, though. I have certain philosophies on life, perhaps expounded upon best by barefoot1342 in this post. I agree wholeheartedly with everything she says there, and have said similar things in the past. And, even so, knowing I have this control of my life, I still sometimes feel like a victim, and I consciously make bad choices for myself. Most of this I do by not paying attention. I've cultivated certain habits that I fool myself into thinking (although never believing) takes the onus of the responsibility from my shoulders. But, of course, "I just wasn't thinking" is no excuse.

What am I going to do about this? I have no idea. I continue to feel unmotivated about the whole thing, which is sad. I continue to not feel like changing my thoughts and actions on the subject. *shrug* And that's just the sad truth about it. Right now, I just don't give a fuck. And knowing I'm no one's bitch but my own doesn't really make it much better, even though I know I'm WAY ahead of the game when it comes to that.

Comments

[savage-rose.livejournal.com]

The thing is, being in a place of apathy viewing this is probably better than through negativity. You're not giving positive energy to change, but you're not giving negative energy to it either.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Not so sure about that... in the process of making a different post...