BlogSpot Entry
Aug. 30th, 2002 10:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsFriday, August 30, 2002
A pox on the gaps in my journal!
Or so I've been told...
At any rate, it's quite true. I think I've been actively avoiding this place (online tests notwithstanding) for about a month now. And even before then, it was sporadic, at best. And lots of things have been going on over the past month, too. Well, more than that, but.... At any rate, right now, I'm feeling tired (and I'm sure part of that is purely physical, insomuch as anything ever is...) and kinda nauseous. And, rather than taking the out that gives me, and going back to bed, I'm going to acknowledge the avoidance mechanism that I know it is, and post this anyway.
Like I said, a lot has been going on lately. And, it's the more recent stuff that's sticking in my head. But I'm going to back up a bit, and give the stuff that happened a while back its due before I get into the newer stuff. (Ahhhh.... I love Earl Grey tea, even when it's old loose-leaf stuff I bought when I was in college [I graduated in 1991, if that's any clue... although, now that I think of it, this may be from the batch I bought just before I moved down here, in 2000... either way, it's still old] and doesn't have as much of that distinctive taste.)
On the more mundane front, we made it into our new apartment as of July 1. I totally love the place. It's twice as big as our old apartment, it has a much bigger kitchen and more cupboards, including plenty of space for my Lenox houses, which pleases me no end. Because of the way we moved in (well, most of the time), everything got put away much quicker than usual, and it became homelike much more quickly. It's still not perfect, and that's somewhat a combination of laziness and lack of money, but it's as complete, if not moreso, than the apartment we left, where we had stayed almost a year. And I'm good with that. Loki has already found some places other than the litterbox that she prefers, but we're working on that. The cats have their own space in the sunroom, lots of windows, all good things. I'm currently waiting on a washing machine that a friend is giving us (thanks, Tim!), and then I won't have to do the take-out laundry thing anymore. We're on the terrace level, and there's this perfect little alcove under the stairs that's quite private, and when I can afford to get a table of some sort, I'm going to make it a little outdoor altar, probably for offerings to Sango and Osun, or whoever else I think of. The neighborhood is very woodsy, and I've already seen lizards, chipmunks, squirrels, and even a gray fox. Shayne says he's seen deer here. And, of course, I've already befriended Anastasia, the local outdoor cat. Who looks a lot like Whimsy and Smithers' mother... :) We're holding our own as far as rent goes, although taking my car payment back from my dad has been hard. Even so, if it weren't for the wedding coming up, and having to put a lot of money into the rings and such, we'd be doing wonderfully. As it is, it's tight, sometimes too tight for comfort, but we're getting by, and with minimal help from my parents, which is definitely on the plus side. Score one for us.
Also, my shift at work has changed. I like the new shift. It's a weekend day shift (starting at 5am), so I work Thursday-Sunday inclusive, and have 3 days off during the week. Woo hoo! In theory, this was supposed to get me on a schedule such that 8am would be sleeping in for me, and I would start going to yoga on those three days, and then come home and shower, refreshed and grounded enough to go out and about and do the stuff that needed done, or just window shop, or walk around, or what have you. Not to mention clean the house. None of that part has happened yet. I'm still trying to adjust in general, not to mention trying to adjust my schedule to Glenn's. I had been pretty sure that Chip was going to put Glenn opposite me on this shift (which would have him doing the same schedule, except Saturday-Tuesday inclusive), which would have been ideal. It would have given us both time to ourselves, and time together, in a pretty good proportion. However, that didn't happen (and I am NOT pleased about it), so we're faced with dealing with things as they are. Chip plans on putting us on the weekend midnight shift when it starts... same days of the week, but we'd be starting work at midnight those nights. I'm looking forward to that, even if it'll be yet another adjustment, probably right about the time I get used to this one.
That's about it on the daily shit. Which means I have to stop avoiding stuff, and write down the stuff that's really affected me lately. You sure you don't wanna hear more about my apartment?
OK, fine...
Pam, my/our therapist, has been in Maine for the past month, so we haven't been doing the therapy thing. Right before she left, she had a day-long workshop. Since she was gonna be gone for a month, it turned out to be cost-effective to go. We were originally both gonna go, but it didn't work well with Glenn's schedule. Anyway, she said it would be beneficial for us... Sorry... my blog... switching to I mode now... She said it would be beneficial to me, since I have trouble staying in my body, as she puts it, and I end up going in my head too much... intellectualizing everything and such. Anyway, I went. We did a lot of things I don't really remember... we danced, we crawled around on the floor as if we were animals (y'know, now that I think of it, I think I imagined myself as a tiger, which at the time I think was a semi-conscious attempt to connect it to meditation I had where I turned into a tiger, and will make even more sense when I get to the more recent stuff...) There were two revelations that came to me during that session. One is, I'm afraid of my mother. This is the first time I've really thought about that since that time. That was the morning sessions revelation, and I've since focused more on the afternoon sessions revelation. So, let's stick with the mother thing for now.
I saw a movie once called "Drop Dead Fred", which was pretty unremarkable except for one line that struck a cord in me. Phoebe Cates' character was talking about her mother, and said something to the effect of, "I could never tell her what hurt me, 'cause then she could do that. And I could never tell her what made me happy, either, 'cause then she could take that away." And I think that pretty much sums up a lot of my relationship with my mother. I was always afraid to let her in, always afraid that she'd take advantage of that knowledge and warp it somehow, hold it against me. Or, just as bad, "merely" think it was stupid. I always felt like I was a disappointment, and that I would be a worse disappointment if I let her see all the other stuff that I hid. So, I guess it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I was afraid of her. But, for some reason, it was to me. Maybe it was just the act of saying it. Maybe it was the first time I actually really allowed myself to FEEL it. I don't know. But, it came to me, and it was important. Right now, as I'm writing it, I can't feel any of that, though. I don't know if I'm avoiding it (most likely), or just too focused on other things, or what. At any rate, I'm flying up to Indiana this weekend by myself for a visit. I'll undoubtedly have some time alone with her, and I'm kinda hoping an opportunity presents itself to discuss some stuff. I'd like to get it off my chest, and I'd like for the relationship to move forward after that. I think we've both grown enough that we can handle that.
The second thing that happened was that I got in touch with my Wounded Child. Any of you who have read the previous posts about me beating the shit out of her will know how significant this is for me. At one point in the session, Pam had us stand on one side of the room, and talk as our Higher Self, then move to the other, and answer as our Lower Self. For most of the people there, that truly came out as the Lower Self. It became an argument, with the Higher Self affirming and loving, and the Lower Self being abrasive and degrading. It sort of got into this huge shouting match. And in the middle of all this, I stood whispering to Myself. And I was talking to that Little Girl, the one that I've hated for so long, and beaten up on, and all sortsa fucked-up shit. And I find myself cradling her, stroking her hair, caressing her cheek, telling her how truly Beautiful She Is. For the first time ever, I really Loved Her. And I could feel part of her shying away, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I could feel that part of her that just CRAVED that attention, that love, and just that tiny glimmer of Hope that I really meant it this time. And I regretted what I'd done without guilt, but with tears, and I just held her and whispered sweet nothings to her for the longest time. And I haven't hated her since.
Wow.... I think I need to go get some more tea...
On an aside note, as I take a mental break from this stuff, I've made my first post to a BDSM fiction club. My online dom is pretty much the inspiration for all my stories, and when I mentioned that I had kinda considered doing some erotica writing (for fun and profit, as they say) he was all for it. I hadn't actually written anything in a long time, but there had been a story running around in my head, and I finally put it to paper. He loved it. We'll see how someone else, who isn't in on all the history that makes that type of story possible for me, reacts. I'll letcha know. :)
OK, back to the stuff I've been avoiding...
Earlier this week, my best friend basically told me he didn't want anything more to do with me... indefinitely. I just re-read our conversations which led to this, and again, I feel little. I'm no doubt blocking it to some extent, because pretty much any mention of him for several days afterwards made me burst into tears. Pam would be pleased to know they were noisy tears, at least, although I note that more with interest and a cognitive acknowledgement. It offers me little comfort. I can say, without much feeling behind it, that I'm angry at Rob for pulling away like that, for reasons I'm not sure I fully understand. I mean, I understand why he would do that based on how he took what I said, but I guess I can't understand it based on what I knew I meant. And, by the time I realized he'd misunderstood me, it was too late. The damage had been done, and no amount of clarifying on my part did anything to help that. I don't know. I think that, somehow, it wouldn't have mattered. I think that nothing either of us could have said or done would have prevented this. It was kinda like the car crash that you knew was coming, and couldn't look away from, even though you knew it would be gory and horrible. Looking back, I think everything we said was mental (well, verbal, typed, whatever) masturbation, and the decision to break it off had really already been made. Maybe having an excuse to do it made it easier. Not, I'm sure, that it was easy. I think subconsciously, both of us knew what the last straw had to be to make the break. And, while I'm still not really in favor of it, I'm honestly not sure if any other course of events is preferable in the long run.
I'm sure this is a bit confusing to the "casual" reader. I'm so picky about who I give a link to, that I suppose no one's really a casual reader... but if you're not in that particular loop, I'm sure it's hard to follow. And yet, I hesitate to spell it all out here. Mostly because I don't think I'm far enough removed to give an unbiased opinion, and I certainly don't want to put things in a false light, where I'm the hero(ine) and Rob is the bad guy. Because that's just not true. Nor is the reverse true. On the other hand, this is my journal, so it seems like it should be the place for grossly biased opinions, if I have them. That's actually one of the sad things about being a Libra. I have a wonderful ability to see both sides of the story, and I think that makes me more compassionate, and understanding, and what have you. Unfortunately, it also makes it difficult for me to take a stand on issues. Even when I do, I'm usually careful to point out that whatever stand I take is My Truth, and doesn't apply (nor should it) to anyone else. People who see the world in one way, and one way only, and their way is the only way drive me crazy. But, at least they have an opinion, and they stick by it.
Well... this whole thing is difficult for me... So, it has occured to me to do the therapy thing, and speak from each "place". That seemed to work pretty well when I answered Glenn's question about me wanting to control his masturbation. So, let's ask myselves how they see this whole thing, shall we? Bear with me folks, this ain't rehearsed.
Higher Self:
I am full of love for Rob, and all that he is. I want only what's best for him, and I support any decision he makes towards that goal.
Mask:
Sure, it's hard, but I'll be fine. So will he. Mad? No, I'm not mad about it. Maybe a little hurt, but who wouldn't be? It'll all work out in the end, and we'll be stronger than ever, you'll see. And if it doesn't.....? Well, , then it was meant to be. No use crying over spilt milk.
Wounded Child:
What the hell were you thinking? After everything we've invested in each other, and now you're suddenly all offended and you're just throwing it away?? I depended on you, you were my only constant. How dare you take that away from me!
Please don't go. I can't remember a time I've been without you, and I don't want to. I need you. I want you to need me. Why did you have to stop needing me? How do I know if I'm any good if no one needs me?
Every time I've done this exercise, especially here, it seems my Wounded Child is the most vocal of the participants. Maybe because I can express her here a bit more easily. And even now, I can feel there's more underneath what I've written. Maybe that'll come out in therapy. Pam's supposed to be back at the beginning of the month.
Also, I'd like to point out that the Wounded Child doesn't listen to reason... My Higher Self and my Mask both know that Rob isn't throwing it all away, and it's not as simple as him being offended. They also know that needing Rob, and him needing me, is unhealthy. But that knowledge doesn't stop those feelings. But, disclaimer given, that's how I feel, however un-PC or unreasonable. And I'm sure even that's only scratching the surface.
More tea. And I'm probably going to be late for work. But hey, it's a flexible schedule, so I can work around that...
OK... So, on the wave of all this personal angst, enter Sarsen. I've "known" Sarsen almost since I moved here, by face and by her posts on the Border Pagans lists, and didn't really think much of her back then. A few months ago, her partner Droid started working with me at e-Lit, and I began to see her through his eyes. Always being the type to give someone the benefit of the doubt, especially when I know myself that contact has previously been limited and not by any means multi-faceted, I started seeing her in a different light. Our conversations started out online, mostly as a "Has Droid left for work yet?" sort of thing, and some minor chitchat. Then, one day, for whatever reason, she gives me a link to her LiveJournal. Well, color me hooked. In addition to all the reasons I mentioned in my previous post about my Path, I love getting into people's heads for many other reasons. Partially, it's a ....hmmm.... power trip isn't the right word for this... it's more like, I can ride on the high that someone else trusts me enough to let me get that kind of access for days. I'm not sure what kind of "trip" that is... Anyway, I spent about 3 days, going back to the beginning and starting from scratch, and reading up to present day. I rather resented work for interfering. :) Also, I have found that there are very few people I don't like much better after getting into their head. When it all comes down to it, humans have a lot in common, and someone's journal is about the best place to find that, in my opinion. By the time I was done, I was struck with the Beauty of it all, with the Beauty of her. And somewhat in awe at her ability to go into trance states and really work on her shit. So, I ended up giving her a link to this blog... which prompted me to read over the old stuff, with that familiar nervousness of wondering what she would think of it... which made me realize I had to change my settings, that my blog had been cut off 'cause I had the archiving thing set wrong. At any rate, it's all fixed now. But I digress. (I do that sometimes. )
We ended up spending the day together a couple of days ago, and I had a really awesome time. We did the used bookstore thing, and the dinner thing (I've discovered I like Indian food), and the talking and wandering, and lusting after prettyshinies we can't afford thing. But, mostly what sticks out is the talking... and the readings we traded. (She said some pretty kickass things about my reading for her in her journal... part of me is basking in that praise... part of me is wondering who the hell she's talking about, since it certainly can't be me...) Her reading for me was pretty awesome. Gorgeous deck... Three of the cards picked were energy cards. Talk about my energy seemed to sort of drift in and out of the conversation throughout the day, really. Little snippets here and there. But, basically, she told me (again) what people have been trying to tell me for years. That I have all this energy, all different types of it that I have (apparently easy) access to. The Primal, raw, powerful energy. The Universal, connected, loving energy. All apparently mine for the taking. Great. She also mentioned the Healer thing, which also ties into my previous post about the Blade and the Mirror. She says it's less what I do, as far as giving insights and such, but it's the energy of my listening itself which is transformative. I'd never heard that one before. I thought that was kinda cool. Of course, she also brought up that I fight it, and urged me to get in touch with the energy I'm holding back, especially the Primal forces. This relates back to what I had said earlier about being a tiger. She said that she got a picture in her head of a tiger, and that I should roar (rar!) daily to try to get in touch with that. I'm supposed to get a stuffed tiger to help with that. Bonus checks today... :) (I'm kinda also thinking pendant and/or tattoo, actually...) But she said a few things that I'd never really heard before, and made perfect sense to me, and seemed to hit home with a lot of things I'm going through right now, and with my basic take on life. She said (and I'm probably botching this, 'cause I'm having to re-translate it back from where it hit me in my gut), that I have a lot of... hmmmm... can't think of a word... Anyway, that I do a lot of work with boundaries. And that's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. That my extremely fluid and damn near nonexistent boundaries serve a PURPOSE. Wow. Imagine my surprise. My boundaries, or lack thereof, force other people to define theirs. Well, basically, that's kind of what I've been saying all along to anyone who would listen. That I am the way I am in order to make people think. That I'm shocking so that others can decide whether or not it's worth being shocked over. Ad nauseum. And apparently, that's a Purpose I have, and it's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Unfortunately, this sometimes causes others to react by setting their boundaries such that I can no longer cross them. BUT, according to the reading, that's exactly what's SUPPOSED to happen. It's something that has happened time and again, and will happen time and again, and it's all part of my role in the Universe, and that I should embrace it rather than be all upset about people suddenly shutting me out, because I'm being a positive tool by putting them in a place to do that. Wow... That just kinda makes everything with Rob fall into place, doesn't it? He needed to set up some boundaries, and learn whatever lesson he needs to learn from them, and I became the catalyst for that. And it hurts, really. But it's comforting to know it serves a higher purpose. This also would explain a lot of the issues I have with Glenn. And lots of other people. I personally have always wondered, deep down, what the problem is with my lack of boundaries. In my mind, boundaries are things set by fear, not love, and the fewer there are, in general, the more loving the world can be. The world isn't a perfect place (yet!), so for now, I imagine boundaries seem necessary, some more than others. But, it was at least confirmed (at least the way I took it) that the lack of boundaries is a more "enlightened" viewpoint to come from. So, nyeh. ;) However, there was a caution that my lack of boundaries could negatively affect some of the lessons I needed to learn, and that sometimes, my own ability to manuever them for other people would be turned on myself, too. And, again, not to mourn that, because it's as it should be.
So, is all this just an easy answer for me? A beautiful comforting thought that makes it all OK for me, so that I can sweep the issues at hand under the rug? Well, I'm trying hard for it not to be. Regardless of any role I may have played in allowing Rob (or anyone else) to set boundaries, that certainly doesn't mean there aren't other issues as well. Like the things that prompted the boundaries in the first place. I cannot allow myself to ignore those, or think that they'll just magically get better because there's some higher purpose to all this. The work still needs to be done. The boundaries need to teach me something, too. What that lesson is, I don't know yet, but I owe it to everyone (especially Rob and myself) to keep looking. It is, however, extremely comforting for me to know that somehow, all this pain that's associated to "losing" Rob, even temporarily, is truly for the best, and that somehow, I've helped the situation by aiding in it's destruction. Kali... Or... Phoenix.
Another thing that happened as a result of my day with Sarsen was discussing my recent (well, it's been over a year now) lack of ability to meditate. The closest I've come is the thing I mentioned in a previous post about beating up my Wounded Child. But that was me going inside me, not me going somewhere else. (Now, granted, I could get into all the esoterica about how there's no difference, and since I believe in Deity Manifest vs. Deity Transcendent, I know this sounds contradictory... but it feels different.) Sarsen suggested I try to talk to the Guardian, s/he who guards my Inner Space. That seemed like a good idea, so I gave it a try.
That night, I got all relaxed and comfy in bed, did the grounding/prepartory stuff, and tried to concentrate on the Guardian of my meditative world. I had the eye pillow on, so I really couldn't open my eyes without reaching up for it. Well, I was feeling quite relaxed, but I certainly knew I wasn't anywhere but in my own bedroom. Right about this time, one of the cats (I think) made some noise near the door. And almost simultaneously, I had the very strong impression there was someone near the door of my bedroom, watching me. I was torn between the fear that makes one want to hide under the covers and hope the monsters will go away... if you can't see them, they can't see you; and the rational part of my mind, that told me it was just the cats, and I was imagining things. After a moment, I got this sense of "Trust me". It's hard to describe. But, basically, I got the impression that the Guardian had come to me, where I was, and that's what was in my room. I basically got the impression that I needed to trust that He was there, and that I had nothing to fear, and that there was no mundane robber/rapist that had just come through my door. So, I relaxed, and did that. I really don't remember what was said. I have more of a vague impression that He was basically allowing Himself to be seen, and to let me scope Him out, so that I wouldn't be afraid of Him. And I remember getting a distinctly male feel about Him. He was statue-like, smooth and a dull jet-black, with the head of a lion (no mane), and a red sort of collar/necklace that looked vaguely Egyptian, although it was squared instead of rounded. I remember thinking He looked kinda like a male version of Bast, although I instinctively knew it wasn't Bast. I asked Glenn if there were any other Egyptian gods that were like Bast, and he mentioned Sekhmet. So, I looked it up. What I saw was consistent with the descriptions I found, even to the red "clothing". Sekhmet, however, is a goddess, not a god. Glenn says it's probably because I don't really see females as powerful (bad witch that I am), and that it had probably come across as male so I could see its power without my own biases bleeding through. Gods are smart that way. At any rate, from what I read, there also seems to be a duality of gender with Sekhmet, so that could be part of it, as well. I need to read more, but basically, but I got so far about Sekhmet is this... Lots of power... there's that word again. I'm obviously going to get hit in the head with this one until I get it right. But, also, very much into Healing (and apparently by nonconventional methods). I even found one website that had information on something called Sekhem, which is apparently an Egyptian type of Reiki. Which claims to be the precursor of Reiki, actually. But, anyway... That I should have Sekhmet as a Guardian after everything else that went on... It all ties in. Maybe there's hope of all this making sense yet. :)
OK... I'm now all caught up. I'm off to work, followed by DragonCon, followed by work, more DragonCon, including a Trybalaka performance (we've finally really gelled, and not only is our group dynamic good, our energy is good, and we sound awesome!), then off to the airport for a weekend with my parents. I doubt I'll write anything else until I get back from Indiana, but, hopefully, some of that Mom stuff will come out up there, and I'll have some good stuff to write about then.
Until then, Blessings to all (including and especially me), and I'm outta here!
A pox on the gaps in my journal!
Or so I've been told...
At any rate, it's quite true. I think I've been actively avoiding this place (online tests notwithstanding) for about a month now. And even before then, it was sporadic, at best. And lots of things have been going on over the past month, too. Well, more than that, but.... At any rate, right now, I'm feeling tired (and I'm sure part of that is purely physical, insomuch as anything ever is...) and kinda nauseous. And, rather than taking the out that gives me, and going back to bed, I'm going to acknowledge the avoidance mechanism that I know it is, and post this anyway.
Like I said, a lot has been going on lately. And, it's the more recent stuff that's sticking in my head. But I'm going to back up a bit, and give the stuff that happened a while back its due before I get into the newer stuff. (Ahhhh.... I love Earl Grey tea, even when it's old loose-leaf stuff I bought when I was in college [I graduated in 1991, if that's any clue... although, now that I think of it, this may be from the batch I bought just before I moved down here, in 2000... either way, it's still old] and doesn't have as much of that distinctive taste.)
On the more mundane front, we made it into our new apartment as of July 1. I totally love the place. It's twice as big as our old apartment, it has a much bigger kitchen and more cupboards, including plenty of space for my Lenox houses, which pleases me no end. Because of the way we moved in (well, most of the time), everything got put away much quicker than usual, and it became homelike much more quickly. It's still not perfect, and that's somewhat a combination of laziness and lack of money, but it's as complete, if not moreso, than the apartment we left, where we had stayed almost a year. And I'm good with that. Loki has already found some places other than the litterbox that she prefers, but we're working on that. The cats have their own space in the sunroom, lots of windows, all good things. I'm currently waiting on a washing machine that a friend is giving us (thanks, Tim!), and then I won't have to do the take-out laundry thing anymore. We're on the terrace level, and there's this perfect little alcove under the stairs that's quite private, and when I can afford to get a table of some sort, I'm going to make it a little outdoor altar, probably for offerings to Sango and Osun, or whoever else I think of. The neighborhood is very woodsy, and I've already seen lizards, chipmunks, squirrels, and even a gray fox. Shayne says he's seen deer here. And, of course, I've already befriended Anastasia, the local outdoor cat. Who looks a lot like Whimsy and Smithers' mother... :) We're holding our own as far as rent goes, although taking my car payment back from my dad has been hard. Even so, if it weren't for the wedding coming up, and having to put a lot of money into the rings and such, we'd be doing wonderfully. As it is, it's tight, sometimes too tight for comfort, but we're getting by, and with minimal help from my parents, which is definitely on the plus side. Score one for us.
Also, my shift at work has changed. I like the new shift. It's a weekend day shift (starting at 5am), so I work Thursday-Sunday inclusive, and have 3 days off during the week. Woo hoo! In theory, this was supposed to get me on a schedule such that 8am would be sleeping in for me, and I would start going to yoga on those three days, and then come home and shower, refreshed and grounded enough to go out and about and do the stuff that needed done, or just window shop, or walk around, or what have you. Not to mention clean the house. None of that part has happened yet. I'm still trying to adjust in general, not to mention trying to adjust my schedule to Glenn's. I had been pretty sure that Chip was going to put Glenn opposite me on this shift (which would have him doing the same schedule, except Saturday-Tuesday inclusive), which would have been ideal. It would have given us both time to ourselves, and time together, in a pretty good proportion. However, that didn't happen (and I am NOT pleased about it), so we're faced with dealing with things as they are. Chip plans on putting us on the weekend midnight shift when it starts... same days of the week, but we'd be starting work at midnight those nights. I'm looking forward to that, even if it'll be yet another adjustment, probably right about the time I get used to this one.
That's about it on the daily shit. Which means I have to stop avoiding stuff, and write down the stuff that's really affected me lately. You sure you don't wanna hear more about my apartment?
OK, fine...
Pam, my/our therapist, has been in Maine for the past month, so we haven't been doing the therapy thing. Right before she left, she had a day-long workshop. Since she was gonna be gone for a month, it turned out to be cost-effective to go. We were originally both gonna go, but it didn't work well with Glenn's schedule. Anyway, she said it would be beneficial for us... Sorry... my blog... switching to I mode now... She said it would be beneficial to me, since I have trouble staying in my body, as she puts it, and I end up going in my head too much... intellectualizing everything and such. Anyway, I went. We did a lot of things I don't really remember... we danced, we crawled around on the floor as if we were animals (y'know, now that I think of it, I think I imagined myself as a tiger, which at the time I think was a semi-conscious attempt to connect it to meditation I had where I turned into a tiger, and will make even more sense when I get to the more recent stuff...) There were two revelations that came to me during that session. One is, I'm afraid of my mother. This is the first time I've really thought about that since that time. That was the morning sessions revelation, and I've since focused more on the afternoon sessions revelation. So, let's stick with the mother thing for now.
I saw a movie once called "Drop Dead Fred", which was pretty unremarkable except for one line that struck a cord in me. Phoebe Cates' character was talking about her mother, and said something to the effect of, "I could never tell her what hurt me, 'cause then she could do that. And I could never tell her what made me happy, either, 'cause then she could take that away." And I think that pretty much sums up a lot of my relationship with my mother. I was always afraid to let her in, always afraid that she'd take advantage of that knowledge and warp it somehow, hold it against me. Or, just as bad, "merely" think it was stupid. I always felt like I was a disappointment, and that I would be a worse disappointment if I let her see all the other stuff that I hid. So, I guess it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I was afraid of her. But, for some reason, it was to me. Maybe it was just the act of saying it. Maybe it was the first time I actually really allowed myself to FEEL it. I don't know. But, it came to me, and it was important. Right now, as I'm writing it, I can't feel any of that, though. I don't know if I'm avoiding it (most likely), or just too focused on other things, or what. At any rate, I'm flying up to Indiana this weekend by myself for a visit. I'll undoubtedly have some time alone with her, and I'm kinda hoping an opportunity presents itself to discuss some stuff. I'd like to get it off my chest, and I'd like for the relationship to move forward after that. I think we've both grown enough that we can handle that.
The second thing that happened was that I got in touch with my Wounded Child. Any of you who have read the previous posts about me beating the shit out of her will know how significant this is for me. At one point in the session, Pam had us stand on one side of the room, and talk as our Higher Self, then move to the other, and answer as our Lower Self. For most of the people there, that truly came out as the Lower Self. It became an argument, with the Higher Self affirming and loving, and the Lower Self being abrasive and degrading. It sort of got into this huge shouting match. And in the middle of all this, I stood whispering to Myself. And I was talking to that Little Girl, the one that I've hated for so long, and beaten up on, and all sortsa fucked-up shit. And I find myself cradling her, stroking her hair, caressing her cheek, telling her how truly Beautiful She Is. For the first time ever, I really Loved Her. And I could feel part of her shying away, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I could feel that part of her that just CRAVED that attention, that love, and just that tiny glimmer of Hope that I really meant it this time. And I regretted what I'd done without guilt, but with tears, and I just held her and whispered sweet nothings to her for the longest time. And I haven't hated her since.
Wow.... I think I need to go get some more tea...
On an aside note, as I take a mental break from this stuff, I've made my first post to a BDSM fiction club. My online dom is pretty much the inspiration for all my stories, and when I mentioned that I had kinda considered doing some erotica writing (for fun and profit, as they say) he was all for it. I hadn't actually written anything in a long time, but there had been a story running around in my head, and I finally put it to paper. He loved it. We'll see how someone else, who isn't in on all the history that makes that type of story possible for me, reacts. I'll letcha know. :)
OK, back to the stuff I've been avoiding...
Earlier this week, my best friend basically told me he didn't want anything more to do with me... indefinitely. I just re-read our conversations which led to this, and again, I feel little. I'm no doubt blocking it to some extent, because pretty much any mention of him for several days afterwards made me burst into tears. Pam would be pleased to know they were noisy tears, at least, although I note that more with interest and a cognitive acknowledgement. It offers me little comfort. I can say, without much feeling behind it, that I'm angry at Rob for pulling away like that, for reasons I'm not sure I fully understand. I mean, I understand why he would do that based on how he took what I said, but I guess I can't understand it based on what I knew I meant. And, by the time I realized he'd misunderstood me, it was too late. The damage had been done, and no amount of clarifying on my part did anything to help that. I don't know. I think that, somehow, it wouldn't have mattered. I think that nothing either of us could have said or done would have prevented this. It was kinda like the car crash that you knew was coming, and couldn't look away from, even though you knew it would be gory and horrible. Looking back, I think everything we said was mental (well, verbal, typed, whatever) masturbation, and the decision to break it off had really already been made. Maybe having an excuse to do it made it easier. Not, I'm sure, that it was easy. I think subconsciously, both of us knew what the last straw had to be to make the break. And, while I'm still not really in favor of it, I'm honestly not sure if any other course of events is preferable in the long run.
I'm sure this is a bit confusing to the "casual" reader. I'm so picky about who I give a link to, that I suppose no one's really a casual reader... but if you're not in that particular loop, I'm sure it's hard to follow. And yet, I hesitate to spell it all out here. Mostly because I don't think I'm far enough removed to give an unbiased opinion, and I certainly don't want to put things in a false light, where I'm the hero(ine) and Rob is the bad guy. Because that's just not true. Nor is the reverse true. On the other hand, this is my journal, so it seems like it should be the place for grossly biased opinions, if I have them. That's actually one of the sad things about being a Libra. I have a wonderful ability to see both sides of the story, and I think that makes me more compassionate, and understanding, and what have you. Unfortunately, it also makes it difficult for me to take a stand on issues. Even when I do, I'm usually careful to point out that whatever stand I take is My Truth, and doesn't apply (nor should it) to anyone else. People who see the world in one way, and one way only, and their way is the only way drive me crazy. But, at least they have an opinion, and they stick by it.
Well... this whole thing is difficult for me... So, it has occured to me to do the therapy thing, and speak from each "place". That seemed to work pretty well when I answered Glenn's question about me wanting to control his masturbation. So, let's ask myselves how they see this whole thing, shall we? Bear with me folks, this ain't rehearsed.
Higher Self:
I am full of love for Rob, and all that he is. I want only what's best for him, and I support any decision he makes towards that goal.
Mask:
Sure, it's hard, but I'll be fine. So will he. Mad? No, I'm not mad about it. Maybe a little hurt, but who wouldn't be? It'll all work out in the end, and we'll be stronger than ever, you'll see. And if it doesn't.....? Well, , then it was meant to be. No use crying over spilt milk.
Wounded Child:
What the hell were you thinking? After everything we've invested in each other, and now you're suddenly all offended and you're just throwing it away?? I depended on you, you were my only constant. How dare you take that away from me!
Please don't go. I can't remember a time I've been without you, and I don't want to. I need you. I want you to need me. Why did you have to stop needing me? How do I know if I'm any good if no one needs me?
Every time I've done this exercise, especially here, it seems my Wounded Child is the most vocal of the participants. Maybe because I can express her here a bit more easily. And even now, I can feel there's more underneath what I've written. Maybe that'll come out in therapy. Pam's supposed to be back at the beginning of the month.
Also, I'd like to point out that the Wounded Child doesn't listen to reason... My Higher Self and my Mask both know that Rob isn't throwing it all away, and it's not as simple as him being offended. They also know that needing Rob, and him needing me, is unhealthy. But that knowledge doesn't stop those feelings. But, disclaimer given, that's how I feel, however un-PC or unreasonable. And I'm sure even that's only scratching the surface.
More tea. And I'm probably going to be late for work. But hey, it's a flexible schedule, so I can work around that...
OK... So, on the wave of all this personal angst, enter Sarsen. I've "known" Sarsen almost since I moved here, by face and by her posts on the Border Pagans lists, and didn't really think much of her back then. A few months ago, her partner Droid started working with me at e-Lit, and I began to see her through his eyes. Always being the type to give someone the benefit of the doubt, especially when I know myself that contact has previously been limited and not by any means multi-faceted, I started seeing her in a different light. Our conversations started out online, mostly as a "Has Droid left for work yet?" sort of thing, and some minor chitchat. Then, one day, for whatever reason, she gives me a link to her LiveJournal. Well, color me hooked. In addition to all the reasons I mentioned in my previous post about my Path, I love getting into people's heads for many other reasons. Partially, it's a ....hmmm.... power trip isn't the right word for this... it's more like, I can ride on the high that someone else trusts me enough to let me get that kind of access for days. I'm not sure what kind of "trip" that is... Anyway, I spent about 3 days, going back to the beginning and starting from scratch, and reading up to present day. I rather resented work for interfering. :) Also, I have found that there are very few people I don't like much better after getting into their head. When it all comes down to it, humans have a lot in common, and someone's journal is about the best place to find that, in my opinion. By the time I was done, I was struck with the Beauty of it all, with the Beauty of her. And somewhat in awe at her ability to go into trance states and really work on her shit. So, I ended up giving her a link to this blog... which prompted me to read over the old stuff, with that familiar nervousness of wondering what she would think of it... which made me realize I had to change my settings, that my blog had been cut off 'cause I had the archiving thing set wrong. At any rate, it's all fixed now. But I digress. (I do that sometimes. )
We ended up spending the day together a couple of days ago, and I had a really awesome time. We did the used bookstore thing, and the dinner thing (I've discovered I like Indian food), and the talking and wandering, and lusting after prettyshinies we can't afford thing. But, mostly what sticks out is the talking... and the readings we traded. (She said some pretty kickass things about my reading for her in her journal... part of me is basking in that praise... part of me is wondering who the hell she's talking about, since it certainly can't be me...) Her reading for me was pretty awesome. Gorgeous deck... Three of the cards picked were energy cards. Talk about my energy seemed to sort of drift in and out of the conversation throughout the day, really. Little snippets here and there. But, basically, she told me (again) what people have been trying to tell me for years. That I have all this energy, all different types of it that I have (apparently easy) access to. The Primal, raw, powerful energy. The Universal, connected, loving energy. All apparently mine for the taking. Great. She also mentioned the Healer thing, which also ties into my previous post about the Blade and the Mirror. She says it's less what I do, as far as giving insights and such, but it's the energy of my listening itself which is transformative. I'd never heard that one before. I thought that was kinda cool. Of course, she also brought up that I fight it, and urged me to get in touch with the energy I'm holding back, especially the Primal forces. This relates back to what I had said earlier about being a tiger. She said that she got a picture in her head of a tiger, and that I should roar (rar!) daily to try to get in touch with that. I'm supposed to get a stuffed tiger to help with that. Bonus checks today... :) (I'm kinda also thinking pendant and/or tattoo, actually...) But she said a few things that I'd never really heard before, and made perfect sense to me, and seemed to hit home with a lot of things I'm going through right now, and with my basic take on life. She said (and I'm probably botching this, 'cause I'm having to re-translate it back from where it hit me in my gut), that I have a lot of... hmmmm... can't think of a word... Anyway, that I do a lot of work with boundaries. And that's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. That my extremely fluid and damn near nonexistent boundaries serve a PURPOSE. Wow. Imagine my surprise. My boundaries, or lack thereof, force other people to define theirs. Well, basically, that's kind of what I've been saying all along to anyone who would listen. That I am the way I am in order to make people think. That I'm shocking so that others can decide whether or not it's worth being shocked over. Ad nauseum. And apparently, that's a Purpose I have, and it's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Unfortunately, this sometimes causes others to react by setting their boundaries such that I can no longer cross them. BUT, according to the reading, that's exactly what's SUPPOSED to happen. It's something that has happened time and again, and will happen time and again, and it's all part of my role in the Universe, and that I should embrace it rather than be all upset about people suddenly shutting me out, because I'm being a positive tool by putting them in a place to do that. Wow... That just kinda makes everything with Rob fall into place, doesn't it? He needed to set up some boundaries, and learn whatever lesson he needs to learn from them, and I became the catalyst for that. And it hurts, really. But it's comforting to know it serves a higher purpose. This also would explain a lot of the issues I have with Glenn. And lots of other people. I personally have always wondered, deep down, what the problem is with my lack of boundaries. In my mind, boundaries are things set by fear, not love, and the fewer there are, in general, the more loving the world can be. The world isn't a perfect place (yet!), so for now, I imagine boundaries seem necessary, some more than others. But, it was at least confirmed (at least the way I took it) that the lack of boundaries is a more "enlightened" viewpoint to come from. So, nyeh. ;) However, there was a caution that my lack of boundaries could negatively affect some of the lessons I needed to learn, and that sometimes, my own ability to manuever them for other people would be turned on myself, too. And, again, not to mourn that, because it's as it should be.
So, is all this just an easy answer for me? A beautiful comforting thought that makes it all OK for me, so that I can sweep the issues at hand under the rug? Well, I'm trying hard for it not to be. Regardless of any role I may have played in allowing Rob (or anyone else) to set boundaries, that certainly doesn't mean there aren't other issues as well. Like the things that prompted the boundaries in the first place. I cannot allow myself to ignore those, or think that they'll just magically get better because there's some higher purpose to all this. The work still needs to be done. The boundaries need to teach me something, too. What that lesson is, I don't know yet, but I owe it to everyone (especially Rob and myself) to keep looking. It is, however, extremely comforting for me to know that somehow, all this pain that's associated to "losing" Rob, even temporarily, is truly for the best, and that somehow, I've helped the situation by aiding in it's destruction. Kali... Or... Phoenix.
Another thing that happened as a result of my day with Sarsen was discussing my recent (well, it's been over a year now) lack of ability to meditate. The closest I've come is the thing I mentioned in a previous post about beating up my Wounded Child. But that was me going inside me, not me going somewhere else. (Now, granted, I could get into all the esoterica about how there's no difference, and since I believe in Deity Manifest vs. Deity Transcendent, I know this sounds contradictory... but it feels different.) Sarsen suggested I try to talk to the Guardian, s/he who guards my Inner Space. That seemed like a good idea, so I gave it a try.
That night, I got all relaxed and comfy in bed, did the grounding/prepartory stuff, and tried to concentrate on the Guardian of my meditative world. I had the eye pillow on, so I really couldn't open my eyes without reaching up for it. Well, I was feeling quite relaxed, but I certainly knew I wasn't anywhere but in my own bedroom. Right about this time, one of the cats (I think) made some noise near the door. And almost simultaneously, I had the very strong impression there was someone near the door of my bedroom, watching me. I was torn between the fear that makes one want to hide under the covers and hope the monsters will go away... if you can't see them, they can't see you; and the rational part of my mind, that told me it was just the cats, and I was imagining things. After a moment, I got this sense of "Trust me". It's hard to describe. But, basically, I got the impression that the Guardian had come to me, where I was, and that's what was in my room. I basically got the impression that I needed to trust that He was there, and that I had nothing to fear, and that there was no mundane robber/rapist that had just come through my door. So, I relaxed, and did that. I really don't remember what was said. I have more of a vague impression that He was basically allowing Himself to be seen, and to let me scope Him out, so that I wouldn't be afraid of Him. And I remember getting a distinctly male feel about Him. He was statue-like, smooth and a dull jet-black, with the head of a lion (no mane), and a red sort of collar/necklace that looked vaguely Egyptian, although it was squared instead of rounded. I remember thinking He looked kinda like a male version of Bast, although I instinctively knew it wasn't Bast. I asked Glenn if there were any other Egyptian gods that were like Bast, and he mentioned Sekhmet. So, I looked it up. What I saw was consistent with the descriptions I found, even to the red "clothing". Sekhmet, however, is a goddess, not a god. Glenn says it's probably because I don't really see females as powerful (bad witch that I am), and that it had probably come across as male so I could see its power without my own biases bleeding through. Gods are smart that way. At any rate, from what I read, there also seems to be a duality of gender with Sekhmet, so that could be part of it, as well. I need to read more, but basically, but I got so far about Sekhmet is this... Lots of power... there's that word again. I'm obviously going to get hit in the head with this one until I get it right. But, also, very much into Healing (and apparently by nonconventional methods). I even found one website that had information on something called Sekhem, which is apparently an Egyptian type of Reiki. Which claims to be the precursor of Reiki, actually. But, anyway... That I should have Sekhmet as a Guardian after everything else that went on... It all ties in. Maybe there's hope of all this making sense yet. :)
OK... I'm now all caught up. I'm off to work, followed by DragonCon, followed by work, more DragonCon, including a Trybalaka performance (we've finally really gelled, and not only is our group dynamic good, our energy is good, and we sound awesome!), then off to the airport for a weekend with my parents. I doubt I'll write anything else until I get back from Indiana, but, hopefully, some of that Mom stuff will come out up there, and I'll have some good stuff to write about then.
Until then, Blessings to all (including and especially me), and I'm outta here!
