BlogSpot Entry
Apr. 21st, 2002 10:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsApril 21, 2002
I have 6 cats. I have noticed, that whenever one of them goes to the vet by themselves, or is otherwise separated from the others, even for short periods of time, the other cats react to that one differently. For about a day after the prodigal one returns, they keep at arm's length, and hiss whenever the other comes near. On some level, they must know it's the same cat, but another part of them knows that something happened to that cat that they can't quite assimilate, and it makes them fearful, and unsure how to interact.
As I believe I said earlier, Glenn was initiated today, and I'm feeling exactly like my cats. I know I can't ask him questions about the experience, although I did venture to ask him how he was different. He said he didn't know yet. So, yet again, I find myself lying in bed, unable to sleep, with too many thoughts running through my head, with an almost tangible wall the I know I somehow built between the two of us. Frankly, right now, I'm scared to death of the person in this world that means the most to me.
In the course of all the thoughts running through my head, I did find one thing apparent. It is my expectation as a wife to have full access to my husband. I don't want to be cut out of any part of his life. That goes both ways - I don't want him cut out of any part of my life, either. And, the fact is, because of these fucking Mysteries of our faith, I've just been cut out. And I can't get let in unless I get initiated myself. Problem with that is, based on some readings that he did for me relating to the whole Otter issue, I'm not (at this point) even supposed to be in the damn coven I'm in. Which means I don't get initiated, which means that part of him is forever lost to me. Gods, you have no idea how much I hate that, how much it scares me. I'm trying to put into words what scares me about it. I suppose it goes back to the whole fear of someone you love leaving - if there's a place he can go without me, what's to prevent him from doing so, and from doing so often, or forever? Granted, this seems like an unreasonable fear to me, but it's not one I can easily intellectualize away.
My other fear relates to my own initiation. Let's set aside for a moment the reading, which said I shouldn't be with WWC to begin with. I know it's not time for me yet. At one time, I was told I would/should be initiated before our handfasting, which is in October. By "told", I mean that I had a very strong sense of it, and it felt right. I haven't been told differently since then. Scott told me that for first degree, you basically had to know how to conduct yourself in circle, and be able to ground, center, and meditate, along with some basic knowledge of Wicca. I can do all those things - I participate in circle regularly, I took what basically was the coven proficiency test on the knowledge part. I can ground, center, although both need work. At one time, I could meditate, although I seem to be having a great deal of trouble doing it now. Scott tells me that for second degree, you basically have to get your personal shit together. Problem is, seems to me that the hoops I'm being asked to jump through are for second degree, not first. I told Scott, to which he only replied that it was "different", and I couldn't understand how, since I haven't been initiated. Big help. The point is, I think the only person in our coven who has true respect for me is Glenn. Everyone else sees potential, but they're quite clear in pointing out that I haven't achieved it yet. We've already seen how Otter feels about me - I'm a manipulative woman with an alleged history of sexual abuse who seeks to control everyone, especially men, and I chose Glenn as my mate because I saw that he was passive and avoided conflict, which would make him easy to control. The point is, I could have all the pieces magickally fall into place tomorrow, and I don't think a damn one of them (again, save Glenn) would even recognize it. And it hurts like hell to feel that disregarded.
Which leads us back to the reading Glenn did for me. After the whole issue with Otter came up, my beautiful Oracle husband decided I needed a reading done about the situation. The first reading we did was a yes/no reading; the question was, (if I remember correctly), "Is it for my Highest Good that I remain with WWC/SafeHarbor?" The answer: probably not. So, we did a second reading, with no real question. No question felt right, so we agreed to just let the cards tell me what they would. It was a confusing reading, and I never wrote it down, although Glenn could probably recite it verbatim. The significator was the Ace of Cups. Strange, I certainly wasn't feeling like my cup runneth over at the point (nor now, for that matter). It was crossed by a card I can't recall, but it meant happiness. I can't remember the third card. The fourth card, my expectations, depicted exactly the gloom and doom I'm currently spouting. The card for the past was The Lovers, reversed, which I took to indicate my relationship with WWC; the future was The Magician. I don't remember 7 and 8; 9 was The Star, reversed, and I don't remember 10. Basically, both good and bad in the reading. But, based on those two readings, and some conversations I've had with Rob, it seems that I need to step away from the community and strike out on my own - be my own authority, without submitting to anyone else's. I don't do well with authority, anyway, and I'm pagan in part, because of that.
Currently, I'm holding off such a separation. First, of course, I'm scared to take that step. Second, I think it entirely likely that if Otter and I can get our shit resolved, that the cards might read differently, and I intend to check that when the time comes. Third, Beltane is coming up, and Glenn and I were the May King and Queen last year. Now, I'm not sure if a new couple is going to be crowned, but if they are, I think Glenn and I need to be there to do it, and I don't want that shadowed. I don't want Beltane shadowed, period. Fourth, RowanFest is coming up. It's the first gathering since WWC formed, and we've all been looking forward to going as a community, sharing the camp space, and using our wonderful coffee mugs that Scott and Christa got everyone for Yule. Frankly, I don't want to miss that, and I don't want the ackward feeling of not quite being a part of them. I want to experience it once, at least, before I go. Fifth, I'm hoping if I hold out, the cards will read differently, because I'm scared to go out on my own.
Finally, the most important reason. Up to now (or at least Thursday, when all this started), all the personal growth shit I've been doing (or working on doing) has been more to gain their respect than it has been to actually better myself. In other words, I was going about it for them, not for me. This is the story of my life. I never do anything for myself. I don't feel worthy of such attention, so I do things for others. I try to lose weight for my parents, for Glenn. I try to get my emotional life in order for Glenn, for WWC, for everyone who's ever loved me. I try to get my spiritual life together not to gain closer communion with diety, but to try to earn the respect of my spiritual peers. All these things are being done for absolutely the wrong reasons. Once, Rob told me (I don't remember what we were talking about at the time) that I could do everything I had always done - I just needed to change the reasons I was doing it. And I'm 99.9% sure that, if I did all of the above for the right reasons (doing it for myself), I could continue doing everything I've been doing, including remaining a member of SafeHarbor and WWC. However, I also know my tendencies to use any excuse NOT to do it for myself, and being part of a community that won't hit you with the precious initiation stick until THEY feel you're damn good and ready would make it very easy for me to fall back on that as a reason. Frankly, I think that's the only reason the cards want me to leave - so that I have no one else to turn to but me. Hell, at this point, I don't even know if I want to be initiated. My only motivation for it right now (well, two motivations) are that, if they consent to initiate me, then, by definition, I've earned their respect, which I so desperately want. Second, I'm no longer shut out of a part of my husband. And, frankly, those are shitty reasons.
I know I shouldn't need their respect. But I want it, so very much.
I don't feel like writing anymore. And I haven't the foggiest idea what this has accomplished. I still feel like shit, and I still have no idea how to relate to Glenn. He said to just be me. Easy for him to say. He might actually know who that is, but I'm not sure I do. And now I'm scared that I don't know either one of us. And that leaves me terrified.
And damn it, I love my husband, and there's no place in the world I'd rather be than with him.
Why does this all have to be so HARD????????
Fuck.
--K'La
I have 6 cats. I have noticed, that whenever one of them goes to the vet by themselves, or is otherwise separated from the others, even for short periods of time, the other cats react to that one differently. For about a day after the prodigal one returns, they keep at arm's length, and hiss whenever the other comes near. On some level, they must know it's the same cat, but another part of them knows that something happened to that cat that they can't quite assimilate, and it makes them fearful, and unsure how to interact.
As I believe I said earlier, Glenn was initiated today, and I'm feeling exactly like my cats. I know I can't ask him questions about the experience, although I did venture to ask him how he was different. He said he didn't know yet. So, yet again, I find myself lying in bed, unable to sleep, with too many thoughts running through my head, with an almost tangible wall the I know I somehow built between the two of us. Frankly, right now, I'm scared to death of the person in this world that means the most to me.
In the course of all the thoughts running through my head, I did find one thing apparent. It is my expectation as a wife to have full access to my husband. I don't want to be cut out of any part of his life. That goes both ways - I don't want him cut out of any part of my life, either. And, the fact is, because of these fucking Mysteries of our faith, I've just been cut out. And I can't get let in unless I get initiated myself. Problem with that is, based on some readings that he did for me relating to the whole Otter issue, I'm not (at this point) even supposed to be in the damn coven I'm in. Which means I don't get initiated, which means that part of him is forever lost to me. Gods, you have no idea how much I hate that, how much it scares me. I'm trying to put into words what scares me about it. I suppose it goes back to the whole fear of someone you love leaving - if there's a place he can go without me, what's to prevent him from doing so, and from doing so often, or forever? Granted, this seems like an unreasonable fear to me, but it's not one I can easily intellectualize away.
My other fear relates to my own initiation. Let's set aside for a moment the reading, which said I shouldn't be with WWC to begin with. I know it's not time for me yet. At one time, I was told I would/should be initiated before our handfasting, which is in October. By "told", I mean that I had a very strong sense of it, and it felt right. I haven't been told differently since then. Scott told me that for first degree, you basically had to know how to conduct yourself in circle, and be able to ground, center, and meditate, along with some basic knowledge of Wicca. I can do all those things - I participate in circle regularly, I took what basically was the coven proficiency test on the knowledge part. I can ground, center, although both need work. At one time, I could meditate, although I seem to be having a great deal of trouble doing it now. Scott tells me that for second degree, you basically have to get your personal shit together. Problem is, seems to me that the hoops I'm being asked to jump through are for second degree, not first. I told Scott, to which he only replied that it was "different", and I couldn't understand how, since I haven't been initiated. Big help. The point is, I think the only person in our coven who has true respect for me is Glenn. Everyone else sees potential, but they're quite clear in pointing out that I haven't achieved it yet. We've already seen how Otter feels about me - I'm a manipulative woman with an alleged history of sexual abuse who seeks to control everyone, especially men, and I chose Glenn as my mate because I saw that he was passive and avoided conflict, which would make him easy to control. The point is, I could have all the pieces magickally fall into place tomorrow, and I don't think a damn one of them (again, save Glenn) would even recognize it. And it hurts like hell to feel that disregarded.
Which leads us back to the reading Glenn did for me. After the whole issue with Otter came up, my beautiful Oracle husband decided I needed a reading done about the situation. The first reading we did was a yes/no reading; the question was, (if I remember correctly), "Is it for my Highest Good that I remain with WWC/SafeHarbor?" The answer: probably not. So, we did a second reading, with no real question. No question felt right, so we agreed to just let the cards tell me what they would. It was a confusing reading, and I never wrote it down, although Glenn could probably recite it verbatim. The significator was the Ace of Cups. Strange, I certainly wasn't feeling like my cup runneth over at the point (nor now, for that matter). It was crossed by a card I can't recall, but it meant happiness. I can't remember the third card. The fourth card, my expectations, depicted exactly the gloom and doom I'm currently spouting. The card for the past was The Lovers, reversed, which I took to indicate my relationship with WWC; the future was The Magician. I don't remember 7 and 8; 9 was The Star, reversed, and I don't remember 10. Basically, both good and bad in the reading. But, based on those two readings, and some conversations I've had with Rob, it seems that I need to step away from the community and strike out on my own - be my own authority, without submitting to anyone else's. I don't do well with authority, anyway, and I'm pagan in part, because of that.
Currently, I'm holding off such a separation. First, of course, I'm scared to take that step. Second, I think it entirely likely that if Otter and I can get our shit resolved, that the cards might read differently, and I intend to check that when the time comes. Third, Beltane is coming up, and Glenn and I were the May King and Queen last year. Now, I'm not sure if a new couple is going to be crowned, but if they are, I think Glenn and I need to be there to do it, and I don't want that shadowed. I don't want Beltane shadowed, period. Fourth, RowanFest is coming up. It's the first gathering since WWC formed, and we've all been looking forward to going as a community, sharing the camp space, and using our wonderful coffee mugs that Scott and Christa got everyone for Yule. Frankly, I don't want to miss that, and I don't want the ackward feeling of not quite being a part of them. I want to experience it once, at least, before I go. Fifth, I'm hoping if I hold out, the cards will read differently, because I'm scared to go out on my own.
Finally, the most important reason. Up to now (or at least Thursday, when all this started), all the personal growth shit I've been doing (or working on doing) has been more to gain their respect than it has been to actually better myself. In other words, I was going about it for them, not for me. This is the story of my life. I never do anything for myself. I don't feel worthy of such attention, so I do things for others. I try to lose weight for my parents, for Glenn. I try to get my emotional life in order for Glenn, for WWC, for everyone who's ever loved me. I try to get my spiritual life together not to gain closer communion with diety, but to try to earn the respect of my spiritual peers. All these things are being done for absolutely the wrong reasons. Once, Rob told me (I don't remember what we were talking about at the time) that I could do everything I had always done - I just needed to change the reasons I was doing it. And I'm 99.9% sure that, if I did all of the above for the right reasons (doing it for myself), I could continue doing everything I've been doing, including remaining a member of SafeHarbor and WWC. However, I also know my tendencies to use any excuse NOT to do it for myself, and being part of a community that won't hit you with the precious initiation stick until THEY feel you're damn good and ready would make it very easy for me to fall back on that as a reason. Frankly, I think that's the only reason the cards want me to leave - so that I have no one else to turn to but me. Hell, at this point, I don't even know if I want to be initiated. My only motivation for it right now (well, two motivations) are that, if they consent to initiate me, then, by definition, I've earned their respect, which I so desperately want. Second, I'm no longer shut out of a part of my husband. And, frankly, those are shitty reasons.
I know I shouldn't need their respect. But I want it, so very much.
I don't feel like writing anymore. And I haven't the foggiest idea what this has accomplished. I still feel like shit, and I still have no idea how to relate to Glenn. He said to just be me. Easy for him to say. He might actually know who that is, but I'm not sure I do. And now I'm scared that I don't know either one of us. And that leaves me terrified.
And damn it, I love my husband, and there's no place in the world I'd rather be than with him.
Why does this all have to be so HARD????????
Fuck.
--K'La
